Someone stole my tire gauge.

I don't think I can take the pressure anymore.

The hunter

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.
He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him.
After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires.
When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots a...

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Roof Bear

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, ...

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

The man who saved Reddit

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is grou...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

A man walking in the forest stumbles upon a hole of incredible depth...

Wanting to gauge deep it is, he picks up a small stone and throws it in

He listens for it to land but doesn’t hear anything...

“Geez that’s deep” he thinks, and begins looking for for an even bigger stone

He finds a good sized boulder and tosses it in..

Once again, he doe...

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

My Wife decided to buy me a mood ring...

...to gauge my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood it turns blue and when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark in her forehead.

Blackbeard the pirate sends his son BB Junior to kindergarten

As its the first day, the teachers want to gauge how smart each child is.

"who can sing the Alphabet" enquires the teacher

'Y'arrrr I can" says BB Junior

"Ok BB, go ahead" the teacher encourages

BB stands up full of confidence
"A B C C C C C C C D E F..."

"Stop...

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

A young man went to a bear hunter's house...

...He says to the old bear hunter:"I have been poor my entire life, can you please accept me as your disciple and teach me your ways of hunting?" The old bear hunter refused at first, but after the young man begs for several times he finally accepted.

He took out his 22-gauge rifle and says t...

A cop pulls over a woman

The officer comes to the window of the car and asks the woman "Mam, do you have any weapons in the car?"

The woman replies "Well, I have a 12 gauge in the trunk, a smith and wesen in the glove compartment, a colt on my side, and a derenger strapped to my boot."

The officer says "My g...

Cop pulls a man over and the man hands him a concealed carry permit....

So the cop asked the man "are you carrying today sir?"
Man says "yes sir, I have a Colt .45 on my hip and a .22 in my boot."
"Anything else?" Said the officer. Man says "well there's a Glock in the glove box, a 12 gauge on the back seat... oh plus the M4, Springfield and Tommy gun in the trunk...

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Prospective Members

Three couples were thinking of joining a church. After attending a few services, they approach the pastor to ask about getting baptized.

"Sure thing," says the pastor, "But before we can welcome you into the fold as true believers, you must pass a trial of faith."

"What do we have to d...

A farmer dies and goes to hell

While down there the Devil notices that the farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy.

The farmer says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like plowing my fie...

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Music Jokes

Sharing some music related jokes :-

1. Q. What did George Michale sing at Elton John's wedding?
A. Don't let your son go down on me.

2. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. The lead guitarist holds the light, & the world revolves ar...

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Old Joe, the blind fur trader walks into a bar...

After sitting down and folding up his blind poking stick he says, "I'll bet anyone here $50 here I can guess what your pelt is and what you killed it with!"

The first taker throws a pelt on his table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "...

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On the advice of his doctor, a man goes to see a psychiatrist for possible sex addiction.

During his first session, the psychiatrist shows the man a series of Rorschach inkblots to gauge his reactions.

On the first inkblot, the man says: "It's a guy getting a blowjob."

On the second, the man says: "Hmmm, looks like a woman receiving cunnilingus from another woman."

O...

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Texas

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust f...

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As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and t...

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Bob's Gorilla Removal Service

So Fred wakes up one morning and strolls outside to pickup his newspaper, but before he can get to the end of the driveway, he looks up and notices a gigantic gorilla sitting in the tree in his front yard. Terrified, Fred runs back inside and flips open his phone book. After a long search, he fina...

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Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

So it's Sunday in Ireland...

The priest says that the day's theme for mass is the afterlife. Wanting to gauge the opinions of the congregation, he asks everyone who believes in ghosts to raise their hands. About half the congregation raises their hands.


Next, he asks those with their hands raised if they've ever spo...

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A Jamaican, an Italian, and Jew.

So these three long time friends meet at the pub every Sunday night for beers and a chat to close out the week.

One of these Sunday nights the conversation turns to sex, and as some bragging starts happening they decide to challenge each other to a sexual prowess contest. They agree to meet ...

An officer and a DUI

Having had a good lashing of booze at a village pub, a good local boy gets in his car to drive home. He's swerving all over the place, barely missing tree after tree. A police patrol spots him, pulls him over and ask the man to step out of the car.

"Excuse me sir, we have reason to believe y...

Turkey hunting for Thanksgiving

Last year at Thanksgiving was the very first time I shot my own turkey, I used a 12 gauge shotgun... but, right after I shot it, all the people in the frozen food section were running around and screaming like crazy.

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A man went to see a psychiatrist...

Upon inquiry, the man told the psychiatrist that he has a problem with cursing.


"In order to properly gauge the severity of your problem, I want you to go home and get a jam or pickle jar. Each time you curse, I want you to put a penny in that jar. Come back to me tomorrow morning with th...

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What's got 40 balls and fucks ducks?

A 12 Gauge Shotgun

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A teenage boy shows up at his prom date's house for the big evening

The girl's father meets him at the door, and asks him into his den to have a chat. The father closes the door and explains to the teen that his daughter is very precious to him, and he doesn't want anything to happen to her.

As he finishes his sentence, he opens his gun case and pulls out ...