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Disinfect Jokes

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

I don't need to inject disinfectant

I'm still protected by that Tide pod I ate two years ago.

Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands

True if he does it first.

Well, if you inject yourself with bleach and disinfectant...

I guarantee you won’t die of Covid-19

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

It's has finally happened. A Pastor has died in the US after injecting himself with disinfectant.

President Trump is being charged with a bleach of the priest.

What does a modern excutioner, with a sense of humor do, before injecting lethal injection?

\- Disinfect the arm, to prevent infection.

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

Trump brings back the Tide Pods challenge to fight against the Coronavirus

What? It's a disinfectant...

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'd like some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H20, too.”

The bartender says, “You damn fool! Don't ingest disinfectants! You’re supposed to be scientists—act like it, for pity’s sake. And how’d you even find an open bar violating the stay-at-home order?”

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

Swingers

I tell you how bad things are....I went to this swinger's party last night and we all chucked our car keys into a bowl of disinfectant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American battleship is on a shore during WWII.

The people on the ship are discussing a plan to destroy a 1000 person Nazi battleship nearby. No one can come up with a good plan, and they're worried the Nazis will attack before them. Just then, the janitor on the ship asked if he could share his plan, and no one objected.

The janitor says,...

I don't understand why Windex didn't get rid of my computer virus.

I was told it's great at disinfecting Windows!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was approached by a lady today...

I was approached by a lady today. She offered me sex if I advertise a product on reddit. Naturally, I declined because my morals are very strong. Miracle Spray strong. From the kitchen to the bathroom and everywhere in between, Miracle Spray disinfectant is formulated to tackle your toughest situati...

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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