Designated

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying hi...

I told a co-worker I got a new set of windshield wipers for my 11 year old Sonata.

He said "Good trade, man".

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work...

when he is stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.
"Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."
"And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.
"Well," sa...

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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The onl...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

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A mother and daughter are driving to the grocery store. ..

A mother and her young daughter are driving to the grocery store one day. Ahead of them is a convertible car full of women at a bachelorette party. All of a sudden a dido flies out of the convertible and lands on the windshield right in front of the daughter. Without batting an eye the mother calmly...

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An old cowboy was captured by some Indians and was taken to the chief.

The chief said, "For trespassing on our sacred land you will be put to death in 3 days, but at the morning of each day I will grant you one request."

Two young men from the tribe woke him up early the first morning and asked him what his first request is.

"Just let me talk to my horse,...

Someone actually complimented me on my driving today

They left a note under my windshield wiper that said “Parking Fine”

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

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Nuns traveling in Transylvania.

Two nuns are driving down a winding road in Transylvania, long after the sun has set.

Mother Superior sits in the passenger's seat, and Sister Carlotta sits in the driver's seat. They are driving along in relative silence when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of the car and sna...

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When...

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A priest and a nun are driving down the road when the devil jumps on their windshield

"Turn the wipers on!" says the nun. He does and the devil stays clinging to the car.

"Slam the breaks!" says the nun. He does and the devil still holds on.

"Show him you're cross!" says the nun. "Get the FUCK off my car!" says the priest.

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Family is driving... (don't know how old this but I laughed)

A family is driving along the highway when all of a sudden someone throws a dildo out of their window.

The dildo lands with a bang on the families windshield and everyone gets a big fright. With horror in their eyes the parents stare at each other and the father turns on the wipers, but it's...

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Two nuns are driving through Transylvania.

Suddenly, Dracula jumps onto their windshield and they can't see anything. He starts hissing and scratching at the glass. The nun in the passenger seat says to the one driving "flick on your wipers and knock him off!" So the first nun does, but Dracula just slides back and forth with the blades, his...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

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So a husband and wife are driving down the highway

The husband had been secretly having an affair with the secretary from his work. His wife recently found out but he had no idea she knew.

So the wife says to him "I'm feeling a little frisky. I've never given you a BJ while driving before" so she leans over and starts to service him. After a...

Happy Retirement

My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.

When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and sai...

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Two nuns are driving along, and suddenly a bat lands on the windshield.

The two nuns look at each other, frightened.

"Spray it with the wiper fluid," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat doesn't move.

"Turn on the wipers, then," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat still manages to cling on to the windshield.
...

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Original Jokes.

A man is speeding down the beach road in Nags Head, NC when a seagull smashes into his windshield. He gets it stuck in the wiper blades trying to get it off, and eventually a cop comes up behind him and hits the cherries and berries. At that moment the seagull flips off the guy's car and smashes int...

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Four nuns are driving through Transylvania one night...

A vampire flies down out of the sky and lands on the hood of the car, hissing at them and baring his fangs.

The nun driving shrieks, "What do I do, what do I do?"

One of the other nuns says, "Turn on the windshield wiper, maybe it will knock him off!"

So the driving nun does so,...

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Jokes to play with someone's car

Not sure if this is the right subreddit, but story time. Yesterday, my friend and I were driving to a party (I was following him in my car). At a stoplight, I got the idea to get out of my car and flip his window wipers up. It worked exactly as I planned. He turned them on in an attempt to fix it, b...

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Where Is The Connection?

A Middle-Aged Man Had An Obsession With Women’s Breasts.

So He Went To A Psychologist And Told The Doctor About His Problem.
“I Am Going To Do Word Association” Explained The Doctor – “I Am Going To Say A Word, And You Will Say The First Thing That Come To Your Mind”

Doctor: “Orange...

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It was just a bug..

A father is driving with his young daughter and unbeknownst to him, Lorena Bobbitt is driving in front of them after she had just cut off her husband's penis and is about to throw it into a field. It smacks and sticks against the father's windshield. After he realizes what it is, he quickly flips ...

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