UPJOKE
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After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

A while ago I did a #trashtag cleanup of all the beverage containers in the local partying spot near an old stream in the hills, and just revisited it.

It looks so much better now that it doesn't even look real.

There's something that's almost artificial about it, it's so pristine.

It just looked a little... off, and it was hard to figure out what was wrong.

Eventually I realized why.

It was the uncanny valley effect.

The curious case of Sherlock Holmes

We all know the most brilliant detective of all Sherlock Holmes.

Well one day a lady came to his office inquiring him about something quite unusual.

She asked him this, "If you're the greatest detective of all then can you tell which color panties am I wearing today?"

Sherlock h...

A man is jogging along the road when he find an absolutely pristine tennis ball on the ground.

It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. So he picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
While waiting at a cross walk another man notices the bulge and asks "What is that?"
"A tennis ball" he replies.
"Oh, that must hurt a lot! I once had a Tennis Elbow"

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

An English Pilot is Stranded Behind Axis Lines

After a week without hearing anything from his side, he begins to despair. Just when he's about to give up, he manages to find a plane in pristine condition! After familiarizing himself with the controls, he takes off towards home, with the enemy none the wiser.

However, on the way back, he i...

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A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

My local book shop had a sale on "1/3 off all titles"

I scored a pristine hardback copy of 'The Lion, The Witch'

A team of Swiss archaeologists discovered a new tomb in the middle of the Egyptian desert

They uncovered the tomb, and entered its dark cobweb-filled caverns. After digging and digging, they reached the center of the tomb, a burial chamber filled with treasures.

And at the center of the chamber, a sarcophagus made of pure gold. And once they opened it, they found an unnamed body, ...

Welder joke

A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner comp...

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

A Chinese bureaucrat, an Indian bureaucrat and an African bureaucrat walk into a bar. They’ve known each other for years, having met every year at UN conferences, and they’ve become friends.

But, talking over drinks, they realise that they’ve only ever met at conferences. So the Chinese bureaucrat suggests that after the next one, in Beijing, they come to his house to relax for a few days.

They all agree, and when the next conference ends, they set off. They get a plane at Beijin...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

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A young man is looking in the classifieds for a motorcycle.....

He finally finds one he has been looking for and eventually meets up with the owner. An old man in overalls greets him and says, "Here she is". The young lad cant believe it, its the bike he has always wanted and its in pristine condition. They have some small talk about bikes and riding stories. Th...

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

Bill Gates suddenly dies...

...and finds himself face to face with God.
God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused
on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously
by putting a computer in almost every home in A...

Fighting budgie (long)

This poor man walked into a pub, hoping that someone would buy him a free pint. He sat there for ages until someone finally came over and gave him a raffle ticket. The ticket was entered into a draw and he won a budgie in a massive cage. The poor man sat there and said to this guy "Now what the bloo...

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Bartender

A traveler walks into a bar, asks for the local brew, and the bartender's name.
Bartender says "you must be new here..." And takes out a perfectly pristine glass, sounds it around his hand, and pours a perfect pint. He says "that... Is the perfect pint of beer. I've been pouring the perfect pint ...

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God gave Adam and Eve 2 rules...

First was to never eat the forbidden fruit. Second, Eve can never, under any circumstances, learn how to swim.

After a few weeks in paradise, watching Adam swim in the pristine ocean, Eve decides she'd had enough. She follows Adam into the surf, and as she reaches waste-deep water the sky da...

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Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

Derek Jeter dies and goes to heaven...

He is thrilled to find that heaven is the most pristine baseball field he has ever seen, with thousands of cheering fans watching.

As he walks to home plate to take his first at bat, he looks into stands and sees a smiling elderly gentleman behind home plate wearing a blue cap with the initia...

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A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.

He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asks

“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s p...

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It's dress rehearsal time on the set of Saturday Night Live.

A new intern, having been hired for one episode, arrives at NBC's studios, excited as can be.

He heads to the front of the set and is directed into a closet to get suited up for practising an SNL sketch.

He chooses a suitable suit, pair of pants and buttons himself up. At last he comes...

A wealthy merchant must leave to conduct business in a foreign land.

It is well known that the merchant's wife is promiscuous, so it is logical that he is always anxious when he embarks upon a long journey.

This time, however, the merchant decides enough is enough. The night before he is to set sail he makes wanton, passionate love to his beautiful wife, but ...

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Mike is about to have dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house for the first time...

and he wants to show up in style, so he decides to buy a motorcycle. After searching ads online he finds one that looks excellent. He gets to the seller's house and looks at the bike. It is in pristine condition! Not a scratch or rust anywhere. He asks the man "This bike must be 10 years old, how do...

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Top secret mission recruiting...

So the Joint Chiefs of Staff are searching for a soldier for a top secret mission, and they send out to the Army, Navy and Marines for their best soldiers to be considered for this mission.
So the Army sends it's best Ranger, he is pristine in his uniform, his chest covered with all his ribbons,...

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