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Who's Jokes

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What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

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If you put Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry together in a room, who's the first to realize they're full of shit?

The room.

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

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Who's a Trump fan?

A teacher asked his class how many of them were Trump fans.
Not quite knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be loved by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands, except Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why did you decide to be different... again.

Little Jo...

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

What does a man who's had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

What do you call a blonde who's dyed her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

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What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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To the guy who's been tailgating me for the last half hour: Fuck you.

I'm already doing 20 mph over the speed limit.

 

Oh, and turn off those flashing lights on your roof, you look ridiculous.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son." I told him.

*knock knock* "Who's there?" "Dejav."

"Dejav who?"

*knock knock*


*edit : thanks a lot for appreciating the stupidity

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Did you hear about the Indian who's gotten hit by a train 5 times?

Reincarnation is a bitch.

I'm going out with a girl I met online who's a vegetarian...

I've never met *herbivore*


:)

War isn't about about who's right...

It's about who's left.

What do you call a bodybuilding Mexican who's run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Did you hear about that new video game where you play a baker who's addicted to drugs?

It's called "Knead for Speed".

What should you tell an English politician who's badly sunburnt?

Aloe, gov'na

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

But he says he can stop anytime

What do you call a New Yorker who's always complaining?

A New Yorker.

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician.

Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.

I met a woman last week who said she wanted a guy who's funny and spontaneous

Yet when I tapped on the window late at night wearing a clown suit it was all panic and screaming.

What do you call the guy who's responsible for the seating arrangement for the disinterested?

Chair man of the bored.

What do you call someone who's on top of everything when it comes to news, technology, video games, nsfw, and everything else?

an Apex redditor

Who's your favorite artist?

UN: "Who's your favorite artist?"

Israel: "Netta!"

UK: "Dua Lipa!"

Zimbabwe: "Fifty trillion Zimbabwean Dollars!"

UN: "What?"

Zimbabwe: "I'm sorry! 50 Cent, for you!"

What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

I started dating a girl 4 years ago who's a paraplegic but she left me...

She told me I was always pushing her around. It's not my fault she wouldn't stand up for herself.

Who's black and white and red all over?

A victim of an industrial accident at a newspaper printing plant.

Who's the real enemy of ISIS?

IBRO

What do you call a chef who's also a lawyer?

A sous chef

what do you call a fish who's all dressed up?

So-Fish-Ticated

Jenny has no arms and legs. Knock knock. Who's there?

Not Jenny

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.

He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.

"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."

(This...

What do you call a man who's so strong he can lift a car?

Jack

Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak.

Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

DOCTOR: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

WOMAN: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an actual idiot. What did he name the girl?

DOCTOR: ...

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

Don't disturb someone who's sleeping

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

Why is the government so worried about a Hispanic felon who's hard of hearing?

Because that's Deaf-Con Juan.

Who's Leonardo Dicaprio's least favorite Sesame Street character?

Oscar

im so sorry

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

what is Doctor Who's favourite food?

Dalek bread.

Who's the greatest boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, he knocked out 900 people with one punch.

Upon being caught in a lie, my boss ask me, "Who's stupid, me or you?".

I told him he doesn't hire stupid people.

Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.

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What do you tell a guy who's masturbating with a jar of Jif?

That's fucking nuts.

Knock knock. Who's there?

THE DOOR! (Low effort)

Who's the only person that can come between a cannibal and a meal?

An appetizer.

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Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate ox...

This guy has a girlfriend who's 7 ft 4 in tall

He loves going up on her.

How does Marilyn Manson see who's at the door?

With his beautiful peephole

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

I've got a friend who's starting a podcast talking about cryptocurrency every evening.

She's really sure of herself. She's calling the podcast "De-Fi Nitely".

Hey, did you hear about the Star Wars fanatic who's been stealing autograph books and photo albums from other fans at conventions?

They call him the fan-tome menace.

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An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman who's driving three ladies down the highway.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" asks the officer.

"No sir, I haven't the faintest idea!" replies the old gent.

"Well, you were going 75 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone," states the officer.

"But dad gum, the sign done said it was 75!" says the old gent, cocking an e...

What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

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Who's responsible for fucking our nation up the ass?

Analysts!

Two boys decide to see who's stuff is better

"I have a small bottle of glue!" One boy says

"I have a whole tin of glue!" The other says

"Well I have ants." The boy says

"Well, I have taller ants!" The other says

"I have bread!" The boy says.

"Aww, can't beat that with my glue tin n' taller ants"

Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who?

I had no idea you could yodel.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

I want to see that movie about a guy who's constipated.

But it's not out yet.

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

What can you say about a narcissistic man with 2 personalities who's trying to ask himself out but keeps getting rejected?

He's in a love-hate relationship.



(Side note: you ever just...be at work...and turn around...and start working backwards? :) )

I wonder who's buried in the grave

of the guy who invented the ol' switcheroo

Who's got two thumbs and a knife injury?

Not this guy. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.

A reporter interviews a monk who's 130 years old

Reporter : According to the Guinness world record book you are the oldest living person in the world right now. What is your secret?
Monk : Well, for starters I don't argue with idiots.
Reporter : No way!
Monk : No way.

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

Who's green, gets no overtime pay and snaps easily?

Celery man!

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What do you call a red-headed guy who's a very good prostitute and chef?

Strawberry Pound Cake

Knock Knock. Who's there? Dragon Ball Z. Dragon Ball Z Who?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON DRAGON BALL Z

Who's rooting for the Bengals to win the superbowl more than anyone?

Jared Goff.

What do you call someone who's representing a bike shop?

A spokesperson.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side...

I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

So who's winning?

Two men talking at the bar:

\- So, whats new?

\- NATO is at war with Russia

\- Oh, so how it's going?

\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three ...

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

What do you call your friend who's anorexic?

Bud light.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT



ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your c...

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anyone who's constipated is my role model.

Because they dont give a shit for anything.

What do you call a Hammerhead Shark who's operating a Drill Rig?

A Flathead Screw driver.

What do you call a duck who's a doctor?

A Quack.

I have a friend who's a genius.

He could always tell just by looking at your car/phone/computer how long until your device starts acting up. His name's Warren. Warren T.

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear

I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

Guess who's coming to live with us

Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.”

Mother: “No, he should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

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Who's the poorest person in West Virginia?

The Tooth Fairy.

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My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

Who's your daddy?

A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"...

What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar?

There, their, they're.

What does Corporate America call a company with an all-white, all-male Board of Directors and an all-white, all-male Executive Team, except for one white lady who's the VP of HR and an Indian dude who's the CTO?

Diverse

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

My Daughter: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Me: "I dunno"

"To get to the idiots house"
.
.
.
.
.
"Knock knock"

Me: "Who's there?"

"It's the chicken...."



She's 8...

who's the most evil muslim person that ever lived?

a guy named Muhahahahahamed, probably

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana, who?

WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY.

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Who's the richest African-American?

Elon Musk

What do you call a cow who's bratty on Christmas?

Ungulateful!

Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?"

And we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol.

A priest, a Buddhist monk and a rabbi argue about who's the greater spiritual leader.

They agree to test their abilities by attempting the impossible: who can convert a bear to their religion.

Two weeks pass, the monk and the rabbi get a call from the priest to show up at the local church. They show up, and see the bear sitting in the front pew, singing psalms to the Lord.
...

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