UPJOKE
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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

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No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

Moscow newspapers

In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. So it goes day in and day out, one morning...

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Cold

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest iglo...

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

A joke i heard a while ago

The 120 year old grandfather goes to the doctor for his physical and says he's feeling great. "So great, in fact, I got my girlfriend pregnant!" he proudly boasts to the doctor.

"Let me tell you a story." the doctor says. "A man went for a walk in the woods whereupon he encountered a bear,...

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.

After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks...

The turtle wanted to see an erotic movie once in his life.

But the box office wouldn't let her in, so she sat down in front of the cinema and started crying.

A young man walked by and asked the turtle what was wrong. She explained what had happened and the man suggested that he could hide her in his pants if the turtle would buy him a ticket. He woul...

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The Last Safari

Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Brit and an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters they can have one last wish.

"What's your last request?" he asks the American.

"I'd like a steak," he rep...

A police officer is hammering furiously on a guy’s door. When the guy opens the door the officer says; “Do you know what GBH is?”

The guy say; “eh, no I don’t.”

The officers says; “Do you know what GTA is?”

The guy is just as clueless and says no.

The officers pushes on unperturbed; “Well, do you know what AS is then?”

The guy shakes his head and says; “ No officer, I don’t know what AS is. Why are ...

A man and a woman met in a bar.

They got along pretty well and decided to go to her place and have a drink.

After a couple of wines, the man took off his shirt and washed his hands.
Then he took off his socks and washed his hands again.

The woman looked at him and said:
"Hey, you must be a dentist."

Dumb...

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

The Graybeard engineer

retired, and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue. The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.
Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, takes a look at the Big Machi...

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman...

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whiskey; it's give...

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

A man is sitting in a taxi in Newcastle on his way home to Sunderland. He realises he recognises the taxi driver- and with great enthusiasm mentions this. "I know you! You picked me and the missus up that time from the train station and took us to the airport! Remember?"...

The taxi driver, who sees hundreds of different people every day, smiles politely and replies "Maybe.", rather unconvincingly. A typical, though nevertheless unbearable awkwardness follows whereupon the driver says "Riddle me this...". The passenger sits up straight and prepares for thinking.
...

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

...

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The seven dwarves went to the Vatican and when the Pope answered the door, Dopey stepped forward...

"Your Excellency," he said. "I wonder if you could tell me if there are any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No, Dopey, there aren't," the Pope replied.

Behind Dopey, the six dwarfs started to titter.

"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?" Dopey persisted.

"No, none in Italy,...

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For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

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A joke from the 1800s

" While passing a house on the road, two Virginia salesmen spotted a "very peculiar chimney, unfinished, and it attracting their attention, they asked a flaxen-haired urchin standing near the house if it 'drawed well' whereupon the aforementioned urchin gave them the stinging retort: 'Yes, it draws ...

A Sergeant calls his men out to line up on parade.

He calls out: "Private Smith, take one step forward!" After Smith does so, the Sergeant baldly announces: "We've just had word.....your mother is dead!" Whereupon Private Smith collapses on the ground and starts crying uncontrollably.

When the Commanding Officer hears about this, he calls in ...

Schroedinger is driving along in his car...

...When he is suddenly pulled over by the police whereupon they ask him to open his trunk.

The cop comes to the drivers side

Cop:”Sir where you aware there is a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schroedinger: “Well he certainly is now!”

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A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the ta...

Two men walk into a bar in Alaska.

Two men walk into a bar in Alaska whereupon entering they see a beautiful woman dressed in furs, with tan skin and black hair sitting by herself. They remark to one another about how beautiful she is when one of the men decide to go and talk to her. After a moment or two, who solemnly returns to his...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie. Je...

Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velv...

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A pheasant was standing in a field

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.

The pheasant ...

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

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Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father

Little Ernie was taking a walk in the park with his father, when suddenly a bee settled on a rock, in front of them. Just for a spice, Ernie picked up a piece of wood and smashed the bee, whereupon his father said:

-"That was very cruel, Ernie. And for being cruel, you will get no honey for ...

A doctor has just helped deliver a baby.

As soon as the baby is in his arms, the baby looks him in the eyes and clearly says, "Are you my daddy?" Stunned by this, the doctor answers, "No, I'm not!"

In amazement, the doctor holds the baby up for the nurse to see whereupon the baby asks the nurse, "Are you my daddy?" Wide-eyed, the nu...

Her mother tried to warn her

Mrs Napolitano was not at all happy about her only daughter marrying a Greek fellow, particularly since she was only sixteen and hadn't dated anyone else, like some of the nice Italian fellows in the neighborhood.

But her daugher was in love with the guy, so what could she do?

So she g...

One Wish

A man was walking along the beach when he found an old bottle buried in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it with his sleeve. Whereupon a genie appeared and offered him one wish.

"Well my family lives in Australia. It would be great if there was a bridge between here and Australia so I c...

The Generic Ethnic Joke

A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes ...

My first submission, it used to play well with my father-in-law

Two Jewish men, Ari and Hymie, were walking down a city street, whereupon they happened to pass in front of a Catholic church. The church had a big sign out in front saying:

**"Convert To Catholicism and Receive $10! Today Only!!"**

Hymie stopped and studied the sign with a contemplati...

A couple had been married for sixty years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife remarks, “Just think, sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
"I know,” the old man replies. “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds sixty years ago.” “Well,” says his wife, “Let’s relive ...

At the doctors

A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils.
He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
Whereupon the doctor replied, "Perhaps you're not eating right."

At the maternity ward...

Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!" the man replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few mi...

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There were these three guys in a bar

A Frenchman, An Italian, and a guy from Alabama were sitting at a bar. The Frenchman says
"When I make love to my wife, I drink a little of the finest French wine, and then I kiss her slowly on the breasts before lifting her onto the bed, whereupon I make the sweetest love to her while whispering...

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[NSFW] A man goes into the woods...

A man goes into the woods to go hunting for the bear that killed his Pappy.

After a day or two of trackin’ the beast he finds the biggest meanest looking bear he’s ever seen.

He takes aim and POW!... the bear drops.

When he runs over to claim his kill the bear jumps up, very muc...

A large group of Pakistani soldiers...

A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a Indian voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis."
The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues f...

A couple checked into the Haunted Inn for a fun Halloween weekend.

At the front desk, they told the clerk that zombies and skeletons were fine, but they refused to share accommodations with ghosts. Whereupon the manager returned their money and asked them to leave, because he refused to do business with wraithists.

Philosophical Q&A

An angel came down for a meeting of the Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’...

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Pittsburgh

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh.

Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman.

The priests were all embarrassed and in new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get ...

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Suzy and Johnny had to change school systems in the middle of the year.

Suzy and Johnny had to change school systems in the middle of the year. On their first day in the new school, Suzy went into her first grade classroom, and Johnny went to his fourth grade classroom.

In the first grade classroom, the teacher called Suzy up to the front and said "Class, we have...

Birthday wishes

Next time I have a birthday party, before I blow out the candles, I will say: "My wish is that my wish does not come true."
Whereupon I will watch the universe implode.

A woman returned home from a round of golf.

Her husband asked how it went. She replied, "Well, OK, but I got stung by a bee." He responded, "Where did it sting you?" She said, "Between the first and second hole," whereupon he exclaimed, "I told you your stance was too wide!"

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

Quasimodo applies for a job at Notre Dame...

...with his younger brother, Semimodo. They meet the Prelate high up in the bell tower.

The Prelate says "why should I hire you Quasimodo?"

He replies "because I can ring the bell better than anyone! And using only my face!"

"Show me," says the Prelate, whereupon Quasimodo ...

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the three Paddys

Three blokes, all named Paddy, are down by the seashore one day when they spot a mermaid off in the distance.

The English Paddy says to his mates "watch this". He saunters over to the mermaid and asks "Excuse me, have you ever been kissed before?" She replies "Why no", whereupon he proceeds t...

This joke was like "The Aristocrats" back in the day - question was how much you could elaborate it ...

Guy on a business trip gets to chatting with an attractive woman at the hotel bar and both of them being a little drunk, they wind up together in his bedroom.

So he's lying in bed watching her get ready, and first thing he sees is her take off her false eyelashes.

Then her false finger...

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