Weren Jokes - 89 Hilarious Weren Jokes

If it weren’t for Arabs, it wouldn’t have been 9/11

It would be IX/XI

NSFW My crush always told me we weren’t compatible…..

Until she needed a kidney! Now I’ll be inside her forever

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Why weren’t the two math variables speaking to each other?

Because they were x’s

My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?”

I thought, “That’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation.”

Have you ever eaten something even though you weren’t hungry?

On another note, I lost my job as a Gynecologist today…

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.

If we weren’t meant to eat meat

why are cows made out of food?

Why weren’t the ghost parents accepted in the new housing complex?

Because they were Trans-parent

Do you know why there weren’t any jokes at Jonestown?

.....the punch lines were too long.

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

I went to the sperm bank but found out they weren’t open yet.

Guess I came a little too early.

I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym

When she did not show up, I knew we weren’t going to workout.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

Why weren’t Soviet fighter jets ever any good?

Cause they were always Stalin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

If it weren’t for Abraham Lincoln,...

America would have really gone South.

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,

New Roman.

I had cardiac surgery in Cuba but the doctors weren’t that great.

Half of my heart is in Havana

If it weren’t for marriage,

women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.

The geek, the girl and the bicycle

Two engeneering majors (geeks) meet. One tell the other what happened to him. “Yesterday I had the strangest of things happen. I was walking home from class when a young beautiful women on a bicycle stopped in front of me.” His friend begged him to continue. “So, she looked me up and down, ripped he...

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren’t on the same page.

I’m 8 1/2 x 11. She’s A4.

It just didn’t feel right. We didn’t fit together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

This one is so old it's been carbon-dated.

A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of politicians came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.

"Yep" replied the farmer.

"Where are they?" a...

What did Donald Trump say when he learnt black and white weren’t real colours?

Fake hues

For our recent field trip, our teacher told us that jeans were appropriate, but we weren’t allowed to wear pairs with holes in them.

I still don’t know how we’re supposed to get the darn things on!

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.

They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

I went to an Italian restaurant that claimed to be super authentic. But they weren't.

It was just a bunch of Impastas

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

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I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

Why was the rabbit disappointed when she saw the gold?

Those weren’t the carats she expected!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali...

DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”

DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N.”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave, ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make se...

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

I tweeted a joke about a bombing, and a few hours later a bombing happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren’t friendly.

I guess my joke was too soon.

In a hole

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days la...

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious…

The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

I tried to have a threesome with two Eskimo girls

But they just weren’t Inuit.

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

What did one strawberry say to the other?

If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam!

An employee’s only job was to throw away M&M’s that weren’t perfect. His boss came to check on him, and found he had thrown away almost half of the M&M’s. When asked why, the employee replied...

“A lot of them had W’s instead of M’s, so I threw them out.”

Me and my gamer girlfriend were in love but we couldn’t be together.

We weren’t on the same level.

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren’t for that, being home-schooled wouldn’t have been so bad.

My friend asked me if there were famous NSFW parts of historical eras

I said that there weren’t many famous cases, except for the time Robespierre got head from King Louis XVI in front of all of Paris.

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

I thought going to gym would be a good idea for a first date.

But when she didn’t show up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.

“How did you do it?” he asked.

“We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

How imaginary numbers were invented?

They weren't.

They were imagined.

Jokes from home

I noticed that when I was in the office, people would always laugh at my jokes, but working from home, people never do. When I asked why, they said my jokes weren’t remotely funny

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

How many Vietnam veterans do you need to change a light bulb?

“YOU DON’T KNOW??? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN!! YOU WEREN’T THERE!!”

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An African, an American and an Asian guy get captured by tribals in a jungle.

The tribal chief tells them, “We will only let you go alive if the combined length of your penises adds up to 20 inches.”

The African steps up to the plate, whips out his genitalia and comes out at an impressive 14 inches.

The American goes next. He unzips his pants, sticks it out and...

An American and a Frenchman are sitting in a bar having drinks.

After a short while they start arguing about which country is better.

The American says, “If it wasn’t for us, you’d be speakin’ German!”

The Frenchman takes a drink and replies, “And if it weren’t for us, you’d be speaking English.”

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because the other chickens weren’t wearing masks

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A dick has it rough.

Not only are his closest friends nuts, but his neighbor’s an asshole.
And if that weren’t enough, he regularly takes a beating.

Oldie but a goodie

An old farmer was busy plowing his field when he heard a terrible noise and looked up. A busload of politicians was careening wildly down the road, then spun out of control, flipped several times, and crashed into tree.

The old farmer hurried to the site of the accident. Seeing the wreckage ...

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

Wife to husband: “Did I get fat during quarantine?”

Husband replies: “you weren’t really that skinny to be begin with!”

Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19

I played bass on the original Scooby Doo theme song way back in 1969 and then went on to play with Metallica. AMA!

Fine, I didn’t actually play the bass on the Scooby Doo theme song, or in any band for that matter, but I’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you metaling kids!

A man with a harelip sits down at the bar

“Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please”, he says. “One thcoth and thoda, comin’ up”, says the barkeep. “Hey!” says the guy with the harelip, “are you teathin’ me?” “No way!” says the bartender, “thath juth the way I talk!”. Another guy comes in and sits down. “I’d like a scotch and soda, please”. ...

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A couple from Alabama got engaged

The wife was still friends with a lot of her exes, but her fiancé didn’t mind. He just didn’t want them at the wedding.

The wife agreed it would be awkward, saying that it would be weird if she invited someone she’s slept with. Her exes were a little upset about not being able to go to her w...

I posted a joke here and nobody seemed to notice. A day later somebody else posted my joke and got tons of upvotes.

They weren’t lying when they said one mans trash is another mans treasure.

I bought some batteries today.

Batteries weren’t included.

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My wife got a bit frisky earlier and demanded we have sex in the shower....

At least half of the other swimmers weren’t happy about it.

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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

An American arrives at an Australian hospital.

Melbourne, Australia: there is a car accident and an ambulance is called to the scene. Upon arrival, they find an unconscious American. They rush to the hospital. The doctors triage the patient, and fortunately the patient is stable and expected to come to within a day or two.

Sure enough, th...

Little Johnny's Homework

Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework?

Johnny: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren’t the best teacher in school.

My favorite joke since I was five

I’ve seen other versions on here, but this is how I’ve always told it for the last 30+ years...

**Why was it so hot at the baseball game...**

*...because there weren’t any fans there!*

An arrogant zebra insists there are no lions in the area.

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and haven’t arrive...

Two guys are in a bar, discussing life and death.

“Arrr, my grandpa died this week,” says the first guy. “He was in the hospital, and we was trying to get a blood transfusion fer him. The problem was, we weren’t too sure what blood type he was. But you know what? That man kept saying ‘Be positive, be positive’ all throughout the visit. Most optimis...

My dad worked for years as an actuary.

Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren’t too uncommon.

Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,

“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.”
So the woman leaves.

A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.”

The clerk says, “I apologize miss...

Someone tried to sue me over my bottomless pit

But there weren’t any grounds

A guy who is blind in his left eye and a guy who is blind in his right eye decide to team up.

After they combine forces, they realize they weren’t specific enough.

Guy number 1 turns to guy number 2 and says "Didn’t see that coming."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was naked on a beach

He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat”

He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself”

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

A policeman pulls over a car with three people inside it

He says to the driver “why were you speeding?”
The driver says “we weren’t sir. I don’t know what you’re talking about”
The guy in the passenger seat says “he lies when he’s drunk. We were speeding.”
The third guy says “nah they’re both drunk. We were speeding because we stole the car”

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There’s an unusual hospital

Where one of the treatments involves the female nurses taking the male patients home and sleeping with them. For most of the patients, the treatment is very effective. But one day, into the hospital comes an odd patient who has the word Shorty tattooed on his penis. None of the nurses want anything ...

Did you hear hear about the guys who wrote the book about eating all you can at buffets?

They weren’t hungry Et Al.

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