A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

I just told my suitcases we aren't going on vacation this year

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage

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I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months.....

Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!

PMS jokes aren't funny.

Period.

"Hey, aren't you that guy who gets mistaken for people?"

"No, you got the wrong person there mate."

Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them.

My favorite joke for my cake day

Why aren’t ants getting covid?

They have anty bodies.

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My wife said to me "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said "How could you say such a thing?"

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

COVID jokes aren't funny.

They're just downright tasteless.

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A chair asks his dad “dad why aren’t you a high chair?”

The dad chair says “because I’m not 15 and I have shit to do”.

Mountains aren't just funny.

They are hill areas.

Sand dollars aren’t in Europe right?

Because if they were wouldn’t they be called sand euros

Q: Why aren't cosmetics students scared of missing their exams?

A: Because they like to take makeup tests!

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

Why aren't people allowed to bbq naked during hot, dry climates?

High risk of Bush fires.

A lot of people aren’t 100% sure of their orientation

That's why you need to invest in a cumpass

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

Vampires aren't real?

Unless, you Count Dracula.

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Kegals aren't just for women!

It's just that when men do it, it's a dick move.




(First joke I've ever come up with myself, sorry if it sucks.)

(if you could improve or elaborate, feel free )

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Gay Jokes aren't funny!

Cum on guys!

Why aren't koalas considered bears?

Cause they don't have the right koalaifications

Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s...

"If you aren't home from the pub in five minutes," said my wife, "then you are sleeping in our car tonight."

"I don't believe you," I replied.

"Why not?"

"Because I can't find our car."

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

'cause Freedom rings

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A young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After...

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Steve Rogers: Bruce, aren't you worried about getting cancer from the Hulk's radiation?

Bruce Banner: That's my secret, Cap. *pulls out a horoscope* I'm already a Cancer.

---
---
---

PS: I know, Bruce Banner is actually a Sagittarius. Don't @ me, bro.

Why do mermaids wear sea shells?

B shells aren’t big enough.

A man finds a genie in a bottle

He rubs it. A genie pops out "you have two wishes"

The guy says "hold up, aren't I supposed to get three wishes?"

the genie replies "Check your pants"

The guy looks down his pants, and slightly surprised, says "how did you know?"

Genie says "I've been doin this a while."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

Why aren't you married?

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
...

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women. Once there, he asks a local: -There is really no women here? -None. -So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the don...

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Poop jokes aren’t my favorite

But they’re a solid number 2

Why aren’t fatphobic jokes allowed at Amazon?

The boss is Obezzos

People say humans aren't stupid

Yet half of humanity are dumber than average.

Race jokes aren't funny

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

Why you...

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign f...

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

Why aren't Hawaiian greeters professional?

They are leimen.

Why aren’t there any hobos from Indiana?

Because beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

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Why aren't pregnant women lonely in Japan?

Because they get to hang out with all the edemames.


You want OC? That's fresh off the dome

I was shocked to read this. Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves

aren't Happy

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

Why aren't gluten free people mainstream?

The go against the grain.

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, "Aren't you going to help?".

The man says no five should be enough.

Math jokes aren’t my favorite.

But I’ll make one if I halve two.

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

Two guys meet each other in the middle of the street. One of them asks the other: "hey, aren't you the guy who always gets mistaken for someone else?

The other guy replies: "no"

A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...

Why aren’t school shooting jokes funny?

They’re too easy a target, and aimed at a very young audience..

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

Davy: "Johnny, aren't you coming out to play today?"

Johnny: "No, I have to stay in and help my father with my homework."

Why do some people use Ball jars, even though they aren't the best brand?

Because they don't Kerr

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

Your eyes aren't real.

They're just in your head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You're still constipated, aren't you Watson?"

"No shit, Sherlock."

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

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A duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I...

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Why aren't cowboys circumcised?

So they have a place to put their chewing tobacco when they're eating.

If you don’t have a yardstick, get it now!!!!

They aren’t making them any longer.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

Nuns

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game, whose headgear partially blocked the view, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy sp...

People say that you'll find the love of your life when you aren't looking

Which is true, except by that point i had already run her over!!

The man and the mermaid.

A man walked down to the beach and found a washed up mermaid. He asked “Why aren’t you swimming in the ocean?”
The mermaid told the man that she had broken her tail fin, and could not swim. The man then asked if there was anything he could do to help her.
She told the man “I’ve never been ...

Today I learnt koala bears aren't actual bears. They're marsupials.

I guess they don’t meet the koalafications.

Why aren't there many North Koreans in the Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, swim, or jump is in South Korea

I took my wife to a restaurant

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

9/11 jokes aren't funny

The other 2/11 are quite good though!

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

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Two economists are walking in the woods...

Two economists are walking in the woods when they encounter a rotting deer carcass.


One economist turns to the other and says, "I bet you $4000 you won't sniff that carcass."

The other economist isn't going to turn down $4000 so he leans over and sniffs it. Then he turns to the fi...

Why aren’t base-8 math jokes funny?

Because Seven Ten Eleven.

I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

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Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose you...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

Close Call Accident

1) = First driver
2) = Priest

During the night, 2 cars bumped to each other.
The first comes out furious starting cursing at the other driver.
The second comes out and it turns out he was a high priest.

1)Sorry 'Father' i didn't meant what i said...

2)My child, ...

The new patient the psych ward says to another patient, "I'm Superman!"

"No you aren't", the other guy replies.

"I am, I swear it!", says the first guy.

"You are definitely not Superman"

"Oh yeah, wise guy", growls the first guy, "How do YOU know I'm not Superman?"

"Because", the first guy responds calmly, "I am Superman"

The first guy...

Ewoks aren’t meant outside

They are Endor pets

So a rope walks into a bar

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind. "

The rope leaves, parts it's head and ties up his chest before entering the bar.

The rope enters again.

The bartender asks "aren't you the same rope? "

The rope says "well I'm a frayed knot. "

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A Guy takes his best mate home one day after work.

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night dress, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting m...

I generally get turned on by naked people. Sometimes they aren't naked. I get turned on by children, old people, adults as well. What am I?

I'm a showerhead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

A piece of string walks into a bar

and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approac...

Two Parachutists

Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.

One man‘s parachute opened, the other one’s didn’t.

The guy with the defective chute was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue....

Why aren't chickens not allowed to enter the church?

Because they only use fowl language.

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

Elephants in NYC?

So I watched this guy spray something on the walls of New York City.

I walk up to him and ask him: "buddy, what are you spraying?"

He looked at me dead serious and said: "anti-elephant spray, of course"

So I said: "but... There aren't any elephants in New York"

-"Yeah, yo...

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.

I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Anti-vaxxer: "This corona hoax is getting old."

Me: "You aren't."

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

Golf players aren't real althletes.

They've got small balls.

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the doo...

Why aren’t children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?

Because of all the Shrexual content.

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and the Devil

I was in church one Sunday when suddenly there was a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and the stench of sulphur. When the smoke cleared, there was the Devil standing in our midst. Everyone ran for the doors, but I just stayed in my seat.

The Devil said, "You know who I am, boy?"

"Yeah,...

Why aren't MS Word files allowed here?

Rule 4: No docx-ing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual

Your bi yourself

French Fries aren't cooked in France.

They're cooked in Greece

Science Trivia: What's it called when you see colors in the air that aren't actually there?

A pigment of your imagination

Nice to see that the Taliban are taking COVID seriously

They kill any woman not wearing a mask. They aren't playing around.

From a post on r/conservative I found.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My two sex partners aren't aware of each other.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

Don't date African cats

A lot of them are cheetahs and the ones who say they aren't are lion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife is in ICU, things aren’t looking good.

During night shift, they are giving her nightly bed bath. As they are washing her lady parts, the nurses notice that her heart rate increases, breathing is getting deeper, blood pressure is holding steady.

So they come get me and tell me what happened. They say they have a crazy idea and thi...

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