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Takin Jokes

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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Takin' a stand

I believe that if you wake up and catch someone trying the old hand in the water prank on you that you're within your rights to stand up and start pissing all over them. He said he was "refilling my glass", just "doing his job".. And that I was in his "section". Nice try pal. Better luck next time.

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Bear and a rabbit takin' a shit in the woods.

Bear asks the rabbit, 'do u have trouble with shit sticking to ur fur?' Rabbit says 'no.' So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

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a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

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Every time we go on holiday the wife gets pregnant..

Fuckin’ takin’ her with us next year!

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An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

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A Chiropractor Walks Into a Bar

A chiropractor walks into a bar. He finds a seat near the bartender and orders a beer. He takes a sip then notices an old friend of his is seated next to him. He turns to his side. "Hey George! How have you been man?". They catch up over a few beers. Eventually, the chiropractor asks, "So what have ...

Vacation Plans

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation... only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I been takin' your advice 'bout where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Ha...

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"

Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"

The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?


The bartender.

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Billy-Bob goes out back to the outhouse and sees his brother Bubba throwing 5s, 10s, and a 20 dollar bill into the hole of the crapper...

"The hell y'all doin' that fer, Bubba!? That's there's good cash money! And yer throwin' it down the shitter!"

Bubba says, "Well, I was sittin' here a-takin' me a shit, when all a sudden, a bunch of change fell out of muh dad-blame pocket. And I'll be damned if I's gonna climb down in there f...

Two rednecks, Joe and Bubba went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees.

They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Bubba finally said, "Joe, I'm takin the next tree we come to, wether it has lights on it or not!"

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Two old folks at a home had been trying to have sex with each other for awhile

Finally during the big Christmas party the nurses weren’t looking and they snuck away to her room and got it on. When they were done he turned to her and caressed her hair and said “Darling, if I knew you were still a virgin I would have taken my time.” Then she said “Well If I knew you could still ...

A blind man walks into a grocery store....

He comes through the doors swinging a dog in circles above his head by the tail. A clerk then asks,
"Sir is there anything I can help you with?"
The man replies,
"No thanks I'm just takin' a look around."

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Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

A man is walking down the street with a penguin...

He starts to draw considerable attention, until a police officer comes up to him and says:

"Excuse me sir, what are you doing with that penguin?"

"Nothing, we're just takin' a walk"

"Well, take it back to the zoo"

"I already took it to the zoo"

"And what happen...

An Arkansas farm boy goes off to college...

When he comes home for vacation, Maw and Paw are glad to see him. That night at the dinner table, Paw says, “So, tell me, son, what are you studyin’ in that there college?”

The son says, “All kindsa stuff, Paw. F’r’example, I’m takin’ a course in Geometry.”

Paw says, “What kinda stuff ...

The Three-Legged Pig

So, there's a traveling salesman who has been on the road for too long. He decides that, to fix his boredom, the next thing he sees he's going to stop and ask somebody about it.

Well wouldn't you know it, he sees a pig with three legs at the edge of a farm.

"Ok," he says to himself. "...

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day...

...and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off when out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty. I think I'll...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

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