Twas the night before xmas and everyone was feeling merry

Merry got disgusted and went home

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

Twas the night before Christmas

When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.


Really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

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Twas a slow and quiet day in the little Irish parish

so Father Oriley decided to go for a stroll
down by docks. He ran into Patrick, the local firsherman who just about to head off in his boat.


Patrick offered to take the Father out fishing for the afternoon since he was bored so they headed off.
About an hour of fishing later the pri...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

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A greek and an Irish were comparing their heritages.

"We built the pantheon, along with the Temple of Apollo", said the Greek.

"Aye, 'twas the Irish the discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices", replied the Irish.

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but was the Irish who built the first tim...

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A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

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Injured Pirate Captain

An old pirate captain was having a talk with a young pirate captain out on the docks.

They joked for a bit until the young captain gets the courage to ask: “What happened to your leg?”

The old captain was eager to respond: “Oh this ‘ere leg? Well ye see lad, I was in a chase with an en...

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Hook and wood

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."
<...

Why was the knight so upset over losing his headgear?

Twas a great helm...

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3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.

"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"

"A shark bit off me leg."

"And the hook?"

"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."

The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories.

"Wha...

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A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem ...

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

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Her husband's libido

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. 
 
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 
 
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.' 
 
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor.  'Give him an 'Irish Viagr...

Two women in heaven

After falling in front of a bus and dying a women found herself in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates. she was let in with after having been told the rules of heaven.

"You can do anything you like, except step on a duck"

She found that odd bu twas happy anyway.

When she ent...

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A pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink..

Bartender looks at his peg leg and says, "Hey. What happened to your leg, buddy?"

Pirate says, "Ohh, I got me leg blown off by a cannonball years ago."

Bartender starts pouring another drink, sees the pirate's hook and says, "Wow! What about your arm?"

Pirate says, "Ohhh...

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A pirate walks into a bar...

...and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle a...

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard

'Twas saucepicious

Two poets die at the same time and they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says"ah, it's great to see you guys, but we have a small problem... we only have room for one of you." The two poets look at each other not sure what to do, then St. Peter says " I have an idea, since you guys are poets lets have a contest, best poem gets to stay in heaven, the other....

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The creation of woman.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Tw...

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A young Irish woman goes to confession...

She makes the sign of the cross and says, “Bless me Fahder, fer I have sinned.”

The priest replied, “Go ahead, me child. What would it be ye need t’ confess?”

She replies, “Well Fahder, last night I made love t’ me boyfriend. Actually, dats not quite it. We made love tree times, Fahder...

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This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

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Which hole?

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told them that heaven is pretty crowded right now and that they have to past a test in order to gain admittance. He pointed to Satan who happens to be standing beside him and sa...

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Sea captain joke

A young sailor is walking the
docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me bo...

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

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The Pirate

A man walks into a bar and finds a pirate seated at the bar.

The man takes a seat next to the pirate and notes the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The man strikes up a conversation with the pirate and eventually works up the courage to ask him about his deformities.
...

There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones,

But alas it twas in vein.

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My favorite Pirate joke my dad always tells

A young pirate is talking to an older pirate and he says, "wow how did you lose your hand?" pointing at the pirates hook.

"Arrr me young lad twas fighting off some scurvy attackers trying to take me ship and in the sword fight I got me hand cut off."


"Well how did you lose your leg...

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

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A sailor walks into a bar

He orders a drink and notices there's a mean, weather beaten pirate next to him at the bar. The pirate has a hook, a peg leg, and an eye patch. After a few drinks the sailor gets the courage to ask the pirate how he lost his leg.

The pirate tells him, "We were in the midst of a raging storm,...

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”

The pirate explains:

”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”

The bartender asks:

”Wow, how about the hand?”

Pirate:

”’twas me old...

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A pirate walks into a bar...

Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub.

The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches,

"Are you really a pirate?" he asks

"Aye, lad, that I am. Captai...

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The golfer and the leprechaun

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving hi...

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Here's a beautiful poem from the depths of the internets. [NSFW]

There was once a beautiful lass.

Who had a magnificent ass.

Twas not perky nor pink as you'd probably think

It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

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