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Isn Jokes

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Why isn’t there a pregnant barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

As an Aussie, Americans always ask me where in Australia *isn’t* there anything trying to kill me…

“School” I tell them.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family

It’s that no one runs in your family.

What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?

My hand.

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

Malicious compliance that isn't.

The following is a true story.

When I was young, I wanted a glass of orange juice. I was used to the stuff with the pulp in it. Going to the kitchen where my mother was already located, I got a glass, pulled out the carton of OJ, screwed off the top, lifted the carton, filled my glass, put th...

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Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,

Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad?

A faux pa.

I told my wife that what she’s wearing isn’t appropriate for gardening.

But..she’s digging in her heels.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

Gaslighting isn’t real.

You’re just crazy.

Eating too much cake is gluttony, which is a sin. But eating too much pie isn’t.

Because …sin pi = zero.

What do you say, when you finally find out the Earth isn’t flat?

That’s a relief

Why isn’t homeschooling more popular in Texas?

It costs a lot of money to field your own football team.

Whats blue and isn’t heavy?

Light blue

The wage gap isn’t real

Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO

Dad: What has 4 legs and isn’t alive?

Me: You can’t fool me dad! Its a chair!

Dad: Not this time son. Get a shovel, the dog’s dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It isn’t “funny porn”

It’s called ***Coomedy***

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People say porn isn’t realistic…

But Elon Musk’s dad just had a kid with his stepdaughter and Zach Wilson is sleeping with his mom’s best friend.

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How Men Know Childbirth Isn’t The Most Painful Event

An older couple were enjoying a walk one evening when they observed a younger man getting kicked in the groin. The husband says, “That is the by far the most painful experience anyone can have.” The wife huffs and says “You ever give birth to a child?” The husband responds, “Honey, after our first...

Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive?

Boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran-

Grandpa- It’s your dog, he’s dead jimmy.

Incest isn’t great..

But it’s relatively fun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

Star gazing isn’t very fun

I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see

Why isn’t Vladimir leaving Ukraine?

Because his name is Vladimir Putin. Not Vladimir Pullout

What do you call a VPN that isn’t private?

A proxymoron.

How do you know a joke isn’t a repost?

When it doesn’t reach the front page.

Disney isn’t making a second season of Obi-Wan Kenobi

Because there Kenobi-Wan.

Why isn’t your nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot

What makes people run but isn’t scary?

A treadmill

Lightning striking a cow isn’t a rare event

It’s medium rare

My mom told me that “the world isn’t just black and white”

She still hasn’t coped with me being colorblind.

I heard some people say Judaism isn’t a real religion

But I personally think it Israel

Snow isn’t a problem in Muslim countries...

But ISIS

Hollywood isn’t real

It’s all just paid actors

What do you say about a bee that isn’t born yet?

To bee or not to bee.

Why isn’t blood a good writer??

Because of all the Type-Os.


Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought of it while at my desk and was proud of it cause it made me chuckle lol.

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Why isn’t Hitler in Mario Kart?

Because he can’t finish a race

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

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Isn’t that lucky...?

Two bums are huddled around a fire in a barrel...

Joe says to George: “Hey George, you wanna hear something lucky...?”

G: “Sure Joe...”

J: “I was walking by the river last week and I found a brand new pair of shoes... and they fit!! Isn’t that lucky...?!”

G: “Good for you...

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Me: My wife isn’t talking to me after she walked in on me while masturbating.

Friend: Were you watching porn?

Me: No! I was just looking at pictures of Sanna Marin, the Swedish Prime Minister.

Friend: Finnish.

Me: Yes! And thats when she REALLY lost it.

If coronavirus isn’t about beer...

why do I keep seeing cases of it?

People say Bernie Sanders isn’t a Democrat...

But what’s more like a Democrat than winning the popular vote and losing an election?

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

Guys, EA isn’t pay to win.

It’s pay to play

My Bill Cosby impression isn’t that entertaining.

It puts everyone to sleep.

Beef stew isn’t a good password

it’s not Stroganoff

Life without Love isn’t worth living.

Love without Life is necrophilia.

If Watson isn’t the most famous Doctor in the world

Then Who is.

Isn’t the Grand Canyon

just gorges

Carrying water isn’t very hard

But carrying lighter fluid is easier

A pencil isn’t my favorite writing tool...

...but it’s a solid number 2

So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies

Gf: “You’re too childish, this isn’t working and it’s over”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t working and it’s what? Over“

Proximity isn’t everything

but it’s close

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Life isn’t like a box of chocolates.

It’s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

My Greek doctor isn’t a physician

He’s a gyropractor

A girl on Tinder asked me why my cigarette isn’t lit in my picture...

I told her i’m just looking for matches

A big nose isn’t an excuse for not wearing a facemask

I mean, I still wear underwear

Dark Humour isn’t that popular anymore....

Is my way of telling my Black Friend he’s not funny.

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

There isn’t much training involved in being a garbage man

You just pick it up as you go along

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This COVID 19 pandemic isn’t just mad...

It’s batshit crazy.

How do you know when Trump isn’t being sarcastic?

Seriously, because we’re all scared.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, “This isn’t working. I am leaving, good bye.”

I opened up the fridge and it seems to be working just fine...and she says I’m the stupid one?

I sure hope Elon musk’s $50,000 house isn’t part of another cover-up scandal

Elongate would be very drawn out.

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny?

A sentence.

When I found out that my toaster isn’t waterproof..

I was shocked

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.




(Norm MacDonald)

This quarantine thing isn’t working out.

My wife and I have become so close that I almost told her about my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.

That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

Installing mufflers isn’t an easy job.

It’s exhausting.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Why isn’t Michael Jackson a good chess player?

Because he’s dead

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peeing with a boner isn’t impossible...

It’s just a little hard.

Why isn’t beer served at math parties?

They need something with more proof!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife isn’t speaking to me after I had “I Love You” tattooed on my dick

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

It’s funny how we all sleep differently, isn’t it?

Well, I mean, I sleep on my side, my friend sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody... That sort of thing..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman who says she isn’t with you for your money?

A liar
(Fuck you Linda)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]Anal isn’t all that great..

In fact, sometimes it’s shitty.

A pun isn’t fully matured until it’s...

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Full groan.

I know the Corona virus isn’t my dad

Because it’s still here

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

My doctor told me diarrhea isn’t hereditary

But I’m not so sure because it definitely runs in my jeans.

My ceiling isn’t my favourite thing in the world...

But you know, it’s up there.

Isn’t it crazy how many boomers love 1911s?

It’s like that gun has a Colt following!

How come talking inequality isn’t discussed?

Because women do 90% of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isn’t a vertical rainbow gay?

Because it’s straight.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

Why isn’t every man in a red suit with a beard Santa?

Because correlation doesn’t imply Claus-ality.

Mike Tyson vs a Shark for shark week isn’t fair

I mean one is a finely tuned killing machine notorious for biting its prey but the other is a shark

Apparently reverse cowgirl isn’t popular in Alabama...

You never turn your back on family.

Steam isn’t a Jihadi’s favourite state of water.

Ice is.

I was really worried when I went to prostate exam. My doctor said James you got this, just don’t get hard

Which I said: my name isn’t James.
He said yeah, mine is.

Looking Good

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn.

My house isn’t dirty. The cobwebs are gone.

My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn.

I think I might never put my glasses back on.







Edit: Wow, Thank you for the upvotes and also thanks for the award...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

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