How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?

ass skin for a friend

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

“Trojan” isn’t a good name for a condom.

Didn’t the real Trojan horse burst and loads of little guys came pouring out of it?

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

Snow isn't a problem in Islamic countries

But ISIS

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

McAfee isn't dead...

He's still running in the background.

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor...

...Then Who is.

Hollywood isn’t real

It’s all just paid actors

Having a tumor isn’t that great at first…

…but it grows on you.

A big nose isn't an excuse for not wearing a mask

I wear pants you know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm surprised there isn't more religious panic about foot fetishists.

After all, they are cumming for our soles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

I'm considering a job installing mirrors, the pay isn't great

But it's a job I can see myself doing

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

So she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If yo...

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

A joke about communism isn't funny...

... unless everyone gets it.

A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'

I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'

He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'

I replied 'no, she's an optician'

What was cool when you were young, but isn't cool now?

Earth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn't it amazing that the French had the Flying Buttress in the 1400s

but could not produce a flying aeroplane till the late 1800s.

Why isn’t Medusa politically correct?

She is always objectifying people

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Living with a tumor isn't all that bad

It sucks at first, but it'll grow on you

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do

practice!

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

Corona isn't Trump's fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's. SARS wasn't Bush's.

...and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.

Incest isn’t great..

But it’s relatively fun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen from a seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call...

Ok, this isn't a great joke, but...

So a boy has been getting dropped off at his grandpa's house after school because of his parents' work schedule. The grandpa makes the boy dinner everyday and at one point the boy notices some crust on the plate.

He asks his grandpa "Why is there crust on my plate?" To which grandpa replies "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

Why isn't Sterling invited to funerals?

People are worried he may dive in the box

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

If your computer isn't working properly and you don't understand why...

...just hit it a bunch of times with a hammer. It still won't work properly, but at least you'll understand why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sex toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.

He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"

"But that's eight years from now."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."

"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morni...

The Polar Express isn't actually real.

It's a work of imagination - a train of thought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Girls, 1 Cup isn't for everyone.

But some people eat that shit up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was traveling in Japan, I asked a shopkeeper, "This apple is from Fukushima, isn't it?"

"Why do you ask that?" Said the owner.

"Yeah, why do you ask that?" Said the apple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Great Gambler

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language...

it's SCHOOL

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

Today, my wife was told by the pediatrician that our 18 month old son isn’t talking much because he doesn’t want to.

I could’ve told her that.

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

What's something that feels British, but isn't?

The contents of the British museum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isn't Skrillex invited fishing?

Because he keeps dropping the bass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Colonel said, "just ser...

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

What do you call someone who isn't sure if the Easter Bunny is real?

An Eggnostic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."

Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.

What has 5 toes and isn't your foot?

My foot.

What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?

My hand.

Legs up joke

Jane come from school and goes home. Jane asks her mom “mom, why do people who have their legs up go to heaven?”. Mom answers “that isn’t true, Jane?”. Jane says “but I saw the neighbour with her legs up and she screamed “Oh god, I’m cummin’, I’m cummin’. Mom looks shocked, but Jane says in the mean...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa brought it to you, isn't it?

On Christmas morning the trooper is doing his job, when he sees a boy riding his bike:
- I see you have a marvellous bike! Santa brought it to you, isn't?
- Yeah - said the boy.
- Great, so tell Santa to bring you a light next year!- said the policeman while giving him a fine.
The boy re...

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

"Marriage" isn't a word.

It's a sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation isn't bad only for your eyesight

My wife caught me masturbating to her sisters pictures and said " we can't see each other anymore ".

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

Whats blue and isn’t heavy?

Light blue

What do you call a fruit mixed with a stone that *isn’t* a stone fruit?

...Pome*granite.*

Jim Just Started a Class on Logic

On the Friday before the first weekend of the semester, the Professor announces that there will be a quiz the following week, and it will be a surprise. By a "surprise", he clarifies that while he knows when the quiz will be, the students **will not know** which day the quiz will be ahead of time, s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

Living with your drug dealer isn't all that bad

It has its percs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.




(Norm MacDonald)

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

A husband walks into his bedroom to find his wife pulling all her clothes out of the closet.

"What's going on here?"

The wife replies that she's just looking for stuff to donate.

"Why don't you just throw them out?" The husband asks.

"Dear! There are so many unfortunate people who could use these clothes!"

The husband replies without missing a beat, "Honey, I kn...

A woman living on a shtetl in Poland goes to see her rabbi

"Rabbi!" she says. "My son Avram has a very strange fear - he is afraid of kreplach!"

The rabbi says, "Kreplach? He's afraid of the meat dumplings we make for Rosh Hashanah?"

She nods. "Yes. I've tried to tell him there's nothing to be afraid of, but whenever he sees kreplach he runs o...

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

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Two men go on a long expedition into the mountains

Both of them happen to be smokers and while one was prepared and brought extra cartons, the other guy had only brought just one. Not long into their journey the second guy has ran out and starts pestering the first guy for a pack of cigarettes, but the first guy isn't budging, he brought just enough...

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

If you didn't get the grades required for university...

There's three things to remember!

1) never give up
2) University isn't everything
3) don't put gherkins on my burger!!

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

Wednesday, Thirsty and ...

Three old guys are out walking.
The first one says "Windy, isn't it".
The second one says "No, it is Thursday".
The third one says "So am I. Let us go get a beer".

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

My ceiling isn't the best,

but it's up there!!

I want it my way

I told my wife she can only get an iPhone, but if she isn't going to get one then I'm just getting her a cheap Android phone. She tried to argue with me, but I wouldn't have it.

I said, "Baby... it's my way or the Huawei."

A man is at a doctor's office about to have his prostate checked.

The doctor says "Okay, Steve, let's not get an erection again during the procedure." The man looks at the doctor confused, and says "My name isn't Steve, it's Dave." The doctor says "I know. I'm Steve."

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant.

A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away.

The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistres...

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I always look at the kitchen shelf to see if there's any food left

Isn't that what they call extreme shelf awareness ?

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

Grandpa: what has 4 legs but isn’t alive?

Little Timmy: haha it’s a chair nice try gra-

Grandpa:it’s your dog Timmy he’s dead

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

Flying over the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring ...

At this time of year, it's important to remember that a dog isn't just for Christmas

You can also have it cold on boxing day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hope this joke isn’t as bad as I’d think it is... it’s my first one.

Hey did you hear about Jim?

No, Why?

I heard his septic burst.

Oh I see...

Yea man must have been a pretty crappy thing to happen...

My wife isn't a big believer in monogamy

As it turns out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two economists are walking in the woods...

Two economists are walking in the woods when they encounter a rotting deer carcass.


One economist turns to the other and says, "I bet you $4000 you won't sniff that carcass."

The other economist isn't going to turn down $4000 so he leans over and sniffs it. Then he turns to the fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policema...

If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle...

It isn't working.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isn't a mule as good as a donkey?

They always half-ass everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isn’t that lucky...?

Two bums are huddled around a fire in a barrel...

Joe says to George: “Hey George, you wanna hear something lucky...?”

G: “Sure Joe...”

J: “I was walking by the river last week and I found a brand new pair of shoes... and they fit!! Isn’t that lucky...?!”

G: “Good for you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about about the army guy that got his dick blown off?

Just nuts now isn’t it.

I couldn't join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn't pure enough

Turns out, my parents weren't even related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis isn’t 12 inches...

But it smells like a foot

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

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