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Perspective Jokes

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

Engineer's Perspective

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The prie...

The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism

After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."

"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.

He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"

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Perspective

Three children are playing football in a park. Out of nowhere a large dog runs over to the group and attacks one of them unprovoked.

One of the other children tries to help his friend and kicks the dog in the head, killing it instantly.

A reporter who happened to be passing comes racin...

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Different perspectives of sex

It is science with wife..
It is an art with a girlfriend..
It is commerce with a prostitute..
And It is just a social service with widows.

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Next time you’re feeling down remember life is all about perspective

I have a friend who has sex 2-3x a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison

The Male Perspective

### Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?”


The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”

This joke is about perception and perspective.

It just depends how you look at it.

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Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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Perspective

Did you see that Lady GaGa nude shoot in Vogue?

Its' a little graphic.

You can almost see her Gucci.

Friendship: A Male and Female Perspective.

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at ...

Let go.. New perspective..

If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back,
.
.
.
.
nobody wanted them.

Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town," said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with M...

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What is your perspective on cyclops?

If things don’t work out with the wife, I think I’ll look for a nice, one-eyed girl.


I think I’d be more sexually compatible with someone who has little to no depth perception.

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

You know from Jesus’s perspective...

I don’t think today would have counted as a “GOOD” Friday....

As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives.

Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.

A Gamers perspective of Reality.

Great graphics, terrible gameplay.

Perspective is really important.

Like, if you want a new view on life, just start crawling everywhere.

You'll be surprised by how many people tend to look down on you when you do that.

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I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often

But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

A bedtime story (an atheist perspective)

Son: please continue yesterday's story.

Dad: So the prince had to answer this question using only 3 words, to become the next king. The question was "what would you ask if you meet God?" And the prince replied...

Dad: Are you listening?

You have to put it in perspective.

Otherwise you have perspecve.

While walking the dog tonight I heard new ideas and perspectives coming from the forest...

Then I realized it was enlightening bugs.

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Im trying to see things from your perspective my friend,

I just can't get my head that far up my ass

By popular demand, a joke from the perspective of a woman

"The best part about 69ing a snowman is the carrot"

What do you call a bird that drunkenly conveys a compelling perspective on racial hatred?

Tequila Mockingbird.

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

You can really see what's in a person's heart

when you look at them from the perspective of being a complex four dimensional human.

I just found out what a vanishing point is.

It really puts everything in perspective.

I used to be a forklift operator

…but there were way too many ups and downs for me.

So I got a job for a while resurfacing ice rinks, although I never really warmed to it.

I got some work fixing clocks that were running slowly, but I found the hours were just too long.

And when I tried my hand at being a baker...

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Chinese economist asks American Economist

The Chinese stock market experienced a drastic drop over the past 3 months. With most local economists failing to explain this phenomena, a renowned Chinese economist decided to albeit reluctantly phone up his American counterpart.

Due to the fraught ties between the two countries, the Chines...

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspecti...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

Two ghosts were arguing...

Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communi...

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

Your drawings are like your future.

They don't have any Perspective.

I've got the deal already worked out - this Black Friday, I'm getting a new Lexus for my wife

I think she's going to be really surprised - but from my perspective, it's an awesome trade.

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I was giving my girlfriend...[NSFW]

...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.

...changed my hole perspective.

I was about to make a joke about time dilation...

But it would take too long from your perspective.

I got my first vr today

Honestly it completely change my perspective

Why did the Photographer kill himself?

A. He had a problem with perspective

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

At the end of a very strange day, a Jewish-turned Catholic man calls his Catholic friend to chat.

The moment the Catholic picks up, the former-Jewish man tells him that he had several people knocking at his door at two in the morning when he least expected it. The former Jewish man tells his friend that from his sleep-addled perspective, they strangely almost seemed like they were covered in sca...

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I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

Why are photographers good problem solvers?

They have a knack at looking at things from a different perspective.

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A horse walks into a bar....

The bartender asks why the long face? The horse Lacking a cognitive perspective or ability to understand the English language. He looks at the bartender abruptly shits on the floor and leaves.

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A rabbit and a bear were walking through the woods

The bear turns to the rabbit and says man I gotta shit. The rabbit said you know what me too.
They each find their oun perspective bush, then meet back on the trail.
Then bear turns to the rabbit and asks sheepishly, do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit says no...

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Two guys go golfing...

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies, who from the...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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A preacher…

…was asked to give a talk at a woman's health symposium. His wife asked about the topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."

"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.

The next day, at the groc...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

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A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

A man arrives at the top of a mountain and the Guru who lives there greets him.

"I can answer any question you have."

The man replies, "Where are my sun glasses? It's really bright up here."

The Guru replies, "On the top of your head."

The man finds his sunglasses and says, "Thank you for sharing your perspective. I just couldn't see."

As the man t...

A guy finds a genie

A guy, as often happens in this kind of joke, stumbles upon a genie who will grant him three wishes. Now, he's set to get a lot of money from his father, so rather than taking the standard first wish for money he thinks about it a little and decides that there is no way he would possibly regret wish...

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