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Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

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Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

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Perspective

Did you see that Lady GaGa nude shoot in Vogue?

Its' a little graphic.

You can almost see her Gucci.

The Male Perspective

### Two men are on opposite sides of a river.

The first man shouts: “How do I get to the other side?”


The second shouts back: “You are on the other side!”

Engineer's Perspective

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The prie...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

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What is your perspective on cyclops?

If things don’t work out with the wife, I think I’ll look for a nice, one-eyed girl.


I think I’d be more sexually compatible with someone who has little to no depth perception.

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

Well to be perfectly honest, in my humble opinion, of course without offending anyone who thinks differently from my point of view, but also by looking into this matter in a different perspective and without being condemning of one's view's and by trying to make it objectified,

And by considering each and every one's valid opinion, I honestly believe that I completely forgot what I was going to say.

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I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often

But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

You know from Jesus’s perspective...

I don’t think today would have counted as a “GOOD” Friday....

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

Two ghosts were arguing...

Two ghosts had gone out for dinner at the pub and were having a great time until politics were brought up. Things got heated fast and the barman came over to the table to sort things out. Trouble was, the barman couldn't help either ghost see the others perspective mainly because he couldn't communi...

Friendship: A Male and Female Perspective.

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at ...

The difference perspective has on optimism and pessimism

After downing half of his glass of milk, my ten year old son declared, "*I am an optimist: 'The glass is half empty!'*..."

"*Looking at the glass as half empty is a sign of pessimism son,*" I said.

He smiled and corrected me: "*Not if you don't like what's in it!*"

A Gamers perspective of Reality.

Great graphics, terrible gameplay.

While walking the dog tonight I heard new ideas and perspectives coming from the forest...

Then I realized it was enlightening bugs.

A bedtime story (an atheist perspective)

Son: please continue yesterday's story.

Dad: So the prince had to answer this question using only 3 words, to become the next king. The question was "what would you ask if you meet God?" And the prince replied...

Dad: Are you listening?

By popular demand, a joke from the perspective of a woman

"The best part about 69ing a snowman is the carrot"

Life is about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Countryside Perspective

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town," said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with M...

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Im trying to see things from your perspective my friend,

I just can't get my head that far up my ass

Perspective is really important.

Like, if you want a new view on life, just start crawling everywhere.

You'll be surprised by how many people tend to look down on you when you do that.

You have to put it in perspective.

Otherwise you have perspecve.

As I've gotten older, I've realized the world can be seen through a million perspectives.

Mine and 999,999 wrong ones.

Let go.. New perspective..

If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back,
.
.
.
.
nobody wanted them.

What do you call a bird that drunkenly conveys a compelling perspective on racial hatred?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Your drawings are like your future.

They don't have any Perspective.

I've got the deal already worked out - this Black Friday, I'm getting a new Lexus for my wife

I think she's going to be really surprised - but from my perspective, it's an awesome trade.

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Two guys go golfing...

Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies, who from the...

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Why do astronauts always have the best opinions?

Because they always have the greatest perspective

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I was giving my girlfriend...[NSFW]

...oral sex. She wanted to get in on the act so we started to 69.

...changed my hole perspective.

I was about to make a joke about time dilation...

But it would take too long from your perspective.

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspecti...

Why did the Photographer kill himself?

A. He had a problem with perspective

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I was once diagnosed as a Narcissistic Sociopath

but after a lot of hard work and a change in perspective, the doctor agreed I was just a sexy genius.

Why are photographers good problem solvers?

They have a knack at looking at things from a different perspective.

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A preacher…

…was asked to give a talk at a woman's health symposium. His wife asked about the topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."

"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.

The next day, at the groc...

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A rabbit and a bear were walking through the woods

The bear turns to the rabbit and says man I gotta shit. The rabbit said you know what me too.
They each find their oun perspective bush, then meet back on the trail.
Then bear turns to the rabbit and asks sheepishly, do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
Rabbit says no...

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

A guy finds a genie

A guy, as often happens in this kind of joke, stumbles upon a genie who will grant him three wishes. Now, he's set to get a lot of money from his father, so rather than taking the standard first wish for money he thinks about it a little and decides that there is no way he would possibly regret wish...

A man arrives at the top of a mountain and the Guru who lives there greets him.

"I can answer any question you have."

The man replies, "Where are my sun glasses? It's really bright up here."

The Guru replies, "On the top of your head."

The man finds his sunglasses and says, "Thank you for sharing your perspective. I just couldn't see."

As the man t...

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A horse walks into a bar....

The bartender asks why the long face? The horse Lacking a cognitive perspective or ability to understand the English language. He looks at the bartender abruptly shits on the floor and leaves.

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A woman went to the doctor...

A woman went to the doctor with, from her perspective, a huge problem. She had always been ashamed of her private parts; her over-sized outer labias. They made her vagina look like an overweight camels mouth. One day, she couldn't take it anymore and went to the plastic surgeon to minimize them.
...

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