I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

How do you express your opinion in China?

\[redacted\]

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Opinions are like buttholes

Everyone has one and I like sharing mine with strangers on the internet.

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

What's the difference between pizza and your opinion

I asked for the pizza

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Slight variation on a repost....Opinions are like assholes...

Everyone has one but there are very few I want all up in my face.

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

Friends are like opinions

I don’t know why I have them, but there’s no way in hell I’m gonna change them

My friend with a lisp has a strong opinion on the Titanic II

As he put it, they're doing the unsinkable!

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

a Chinese man says his opinion

just kidding

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different.

I was in tiers.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

How do trees express their opinion?

They hand out leaflets

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

Unpopular Opinion: It’s okay to be intolerant

If you’re allergic to dairy

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Did you hear the joke about the leg?

In my opinions it wasn't very fu-knee.

What? You don't like my joke? I thought it was pretty humerus.

China and reddit's societies are similar

Opinions aren't allowed

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Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

Yesterday I went to the doctor

And he told me I was overweight. I said I wanted a second opinion; he said I was ugly too.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

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I think I need a second opinion.

My doctor said I have kidney disease.

I told him I'm a grown ass man and my knees feel fine.

A teenage girl is about to go on her first date and asks her mother, "Do I look pretty?"

Her mother says, "I can't answer that, honey."

"Why not?" asks her daughter. "I've spent an hour getting ready and I really want an opinion about how I look."

Her mother says, "What's important is how you feel."

"Mom!" says the girl, "This is important to me! I'm feeling very se...

What is common between Reddit and China?

They both don't like opinions.

Critical opinions

People keep saying me that I am dumb and I agree, afterall that is why I am still listening them.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

What do you call a redditor with an opinion?

Names

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They say opinions are like assholes.

Except I've never masturbated to an opinion.

You know what they say about opinions?

Take away the 3.14159265359 and you have onions

daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister

daughter: but I don't have a sister

Dad: exactly

You are obese!

A woman visits the doctor

Doctor: Madame, you are obese.

Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!

Doctor: Your hair looks stupid.

Unpopular opinion: frisbees aren’t heavy enough

Discus.

"So what's your opinion on Roe vs. Wade?

"Well, I prefer to float"

Opinions are like boomers

Everyone’s entitled to them

What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions?

A prejudice

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I don't mind if you have a strong opinion about blowjobs.

I just don't want it rammed down my throat.

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The Man Who Needed Help.

So, a man walks into a Physiatrist office, he is wearing no clothing, but he is wrapped from head to toe in Saran wrap...

He asks the Shrink if in his profession opinion the man is okay.

The Physiatrist say; "Well I can clearly see your nuts!".

The man in Cling wrap turns aroun...

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

I've never loved this joke but I'm posting as a result of a previous, lesser joke (my opinion, prove me wrong)

A man sees a beautiful woman on the street realizing he must have her, he propositions;

"I'll give you $10,000 for you to make love to me" he says

Considering the financial windfall the woman accepts.

The man then asks frugally "ok how about $500?"

Insulted the woman re...

What do you call a fast, carnivorous dinosaur with opinions on Hegel and Kant?

A philosoraptor!

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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

An activist ask about my opinion on immigration reform

Apparently 'Im on the fence about it' is the wrong answer

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

My friend asked me for my opinion on his new bed...

I told him I'll sleep on it

I never put my unpopular opinions on Reddit.

I guess you could say I'm a Karma Chameleon.

So here's my opinion of this sub

Its pretty good 9/10 would eat here agian

Why can’t sunglasses have political opinions?

Because they’re so polarizing

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire.

You just can’t eat it twice.

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

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An opinion is like an asshole

Everyone has one, and nobody cares to see yours posted on the internet.

My opinion on abortion is kinda complicated.

I'm all for killing children, but I cant stand giving women rights.

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Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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Guy in an interview.

Interviewer: So what is your greatest weakness.?

Guy: I am too honest.

Interviewer: Well in my opinion I wouldn't say that is a weakness.

Guy: Who the fuck is asking for your opinion.?

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

So I met a girl at the bar

Nothing really interesting about her. Her hair was on fire, yeah.

In my opinion she was really selfish. It was all about *her.*



"Help *me"*

"Put *me* out."

"*I'm* not joking *I'm* on fire."

"*I'm* dying."

I really hate articles that say 5 reasons why something is best and 5 reasons why it's the worst.

The whole argument is completely valid for the reason something is best. Which makes it a good article.

It actually makes the article just so contradictory it sucks.

But they are so easy to read and generally they are well written.

There are so many that each time Google recomme...

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

People keep telling me I wouldn't value other opinions enough.

Little do they know.

A reporter surveys the common people

"What's your opinion on the hike in fuel prices?"

"I didn't know there was a hike. I always get fuel for 50 bucks and no one has asked for more"

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

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Political opinions are like assholes

Please don’t dive into yours during Thanksgiving dinner

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

What was the inspector's opinion on the Jet Engine?

He was blown away.

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Unpopular opinion but true

Gay men are fucking assholes

My friends have started a podcast where they argue about their cheese opinions

It's called "k......so?"

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

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NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

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Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that, I definetly want a second opinion!

Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.

Unpopular opinion: Fetus Deletus is a tasteless joke

Unlike abortions, which are packed with flavour. Merry Christmas.

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What do political opinions and a penis have in common?

It is rude to bust them out in public...

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Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

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Political opinions are like penises

It's fine to be proud of it, just don't take it out in public or try to force it down someone else's throat.

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

Reddit is supposed to be a place of open and honest discussion where every opinion counts.

If you don't agree, stay out of the comment section.

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Why can't you ask a Jew for their opinion?

Because it's tough to grab their two cents

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company

I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election

The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly

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My girlfriend just told me I'm bad at sex

I was glad. That means she's really smart. She can form an opinion in less than 30 seconds

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

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Reddit Karma is like women

At first, everyone seems to have it except you.

No one knows how they work but everyone want them.

It would look really hard to get it untill you finally get it unexpectedly, somehow.

A difference of opinion and you lose them.

But they give you a sense of value even after...

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Opinions are like orgasms.

I can have one at home using the internet and that’s fine but if I have one at a party everybody asks me to leave.

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