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Opinion Jokes

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

Doctors opinion

Doktor to patient “you are too fat”
Patient: “I would like a second opinion”
Doktor: “you are also ugly”

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

What's the difference between pizza and your opinion

I asked for the pizza

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

What do you call a redditor with an opinion?

Names

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

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Opinions are like assholes…

…most people don’t want to hear about yours.

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Opinions are like assholes

It was fun seeing them on the internet until my uncle started posting his.

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

What’s an Islamic persons opinion of Muhammad?

They’re allah bout him

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion...
DEEP

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Opinions are like assholes...

if you get paid to share your opinion with the masses, you probably have a pretty big opinion.

Legal Opinion?

It has been so long since I have carried cash that I forgot to take the change out of my pockets before washing them.

Does that make me a money launderer?

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I don’t care for your opinion on mushrooms.

It’s a shit take.

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Opinions are like buttholes

It's best to keep it to yourself unless asked

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Assholes are like opinions....

I wish my wife cared more about mine.

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A Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in...

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

Why smart people with good opinions are poor?

Because they make cents.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

Are you and your wife having different opinions often?

Yes, but she doesn't know.

The UN asked an American, an Ethiopian, and a Chinese for their opinion on the global food shortage

None of them understood the question;

The American asked what is a shortage.

The Ethiopian asked what is food.

The Chinese asked what is a opinion.

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I went to the proctologist, but didn’t like the diagnosis so I asked for a second opinion.

Now I’ve got TWO fingers up my arse!

Im sorry, but I have to share this racist opinion

I dont care who asks I like nascar more than those BS marathons.

How do you express your opinion in China?

\[redacted\]

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Unpopular opinion but true

Gay men are fucking assholes

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

I like going to my local church on Sunday and arguing my opinions to the group

You could say that I am a mass debater

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

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Opinions are like assholes…

… if an expert tells you there is something wrong with yours, it is best to have it examined.

As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your opinions.

But…I can see where you are coming from.

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.

How do trees express their opinion?

They hand out leaflets

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

Unpopular opinion: frisbees aren’t heavy enough

Discus.

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Opinions are like orgasms.

I can have one at home using the internet and that’s fine but if I have one at a party everybody asks me to leave.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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What was the ottoman's opinion about Vlad the Impaler?

He was a big pain in the ass.

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one

So, if you don't have one


You're full of shit.

a Chinese man says his opinion

just kidding

Friends are like opinions

I don’t know why I have them, but there’s no way in hell I’m gonna change them

The Royal Family are going to send Prince Andrew to see what public opinion is like

Just putting the feeler out

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

Critical opinions

People keep saying me that I am dumb and I agree, afterall that is why I am still listening them.

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

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An opinion is like an asshole

Everyone has one, and nobody cares to see yours posted on the internet.

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.


ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

Second Opinion

Doctor: You're obese.

Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.

A Second Opinion

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead...

Always get the bartender's opinion

Ever since I was a child I've always had a fear of something under my bed. So I went to a shrink and told him:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the ...

daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister

daughter: but I don't have a sister

Dad: exactly

Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

What do you call a Muslim woman with an opinion?

A corpse.

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Political opinions are like penises

It's fine to be proud of it, just don't take it out in public or try to force it down someone else's throat.

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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.

He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

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I think I need a second opinion.

My doctor said I have kidney disease.

I told him I'm a grown ass man and my knees feel fine.

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Always get a second opinion

One day a man went to see his doctor complaining about severe migraine headaches.

After a long examination the doctor told the man that somehow his balls were pressing very tightly against the base of his spine and this was causing the man to have migraine headaches. The doctor concluded the ...

Opinions are like boomers

Everyone’s entitled to them

An activist ask about my opinion on immigration reform

Apparently 'Im on the fence about it' is the wrong answer

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They say opinions are like assholes.

Except I've never masturbated to an opinion.

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

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Doctor's Second Opinion

An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles. Horrified, he immediatel...

"So what's your opinion on Roe vs. Wade?

"Well, I prefer to float"

Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire.

You just can’t eat it twice.

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

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Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

You know what they say about opinions?

Take away the 3.14159265359 and you have onions

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Why can't you ask a Jew for their opinion?

Because it's tough to grab their two cents

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

Unpopular opinion: Fetus Deletus is a tasteless joke

Unlike abortions, which are packed with flavour. Merry Christmas.

Want my opinion on Mongolia?

It has it's pros and Khans

Unpopular opinion: Deaf people are really rude.

They never listen to you.

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

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According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

Penises are out and Vaginas are in.

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

What was the inspector's opinion on the Jet Engine?

He was blown away.

You wanna know my opinion on negative pressure?

It sucks!

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Political opinions are like dicks....

Sometimes they lean left, sometimes they lean right, and nobody likes it when your crazy uncle whips his out at Thanksgiving dinner.

Why can’t sunglasses have political opinions?

Because they’re so polarizing

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Opinions are like a penis

You may have one, but just don't whip it out in public

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What was the mans opinion on Nazis?

They're alt-right.

Senator, what's your opinion on mute people?

No comment.

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

My friend with a lisp has a strong opinion on the Titanic II

As he put it, they're doing the unsinkable!

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Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

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I don't mind if you have a strong opinion about blowjobs.

I just don't want it rammed down my throat.

I never put my unpopular opinions on Reddit.

I guess you could say I'm a Karma Chameleon.

Unpopular opinion: I always liked Bill Cosby

He rubbed my sister the wrong way though

I've never had a high opinion of mules.

Theyre just half-assed horses

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

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