I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

Doctors opinion

Doktor to patient “you are too fat”
Patient: “I would like a second opinion”
Doktor: “you are also ugly”

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

.
.
.
.
.
He said okay, you're ugly too.

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one

So, if you don't have one


You're full of shit.

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Opinions are like assholes…

… if an expert tells you there is something wrong with yours, it is best to have it examined.

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

What did the submission boyfriend say when his girlfriend misunderstood his opinion?

"I think you've got me pegged the wrong way."

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

What's the difference between pizza and your opinion

I asked for the pizza

How do you express your opinion in China?

\[redacted\]

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Opinions are like buttholes

Everyone has one and I like sharing mine with strangers on the internet.

I hate people who force their opinions down on others!

and so should you…

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I think my Asian wife is cheating on me.

We've been together for about a year now and we've never even had the typical petty arguments. Even with the language barrier, we understand each other for the most part and if we don't, we use google to translate or just use a different word to substitute. We actually get along really really great ...

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

Friends are like opinions

I don’t know why I have them, but there’s no way in hell I’m gonna change them

My friend with a lisp has a strong opinion on the Titanic II

As he put it, they're doing the unsinkable!

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

a Chinese man says his opinion

just kidding

I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different.

I was in tiers.

What do you call a redditor with an opinion?

Names

How do trees express their opinion?

They hand out leaflets

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read….

"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

[NSFW] an Italian, Englishman and Frenchman are waiting for a bus...

The Frenchman is smelling his fingers, and quietly saying “mmm Fifi”.
The Englishman asks what he’s doing, and the Frenchman explains that every morning he fingers his wife and the smell reminds him of her all day long. The Englishman is disgusted and shares his unflattering opinion on the Frenc...

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Guy goes for an interview.

Boss: so what is your biggest weakness.?

Guy: My honesty....

Boss: In my opinion that is not a weakness..

Guy: Who the fuck is asking for your opinion...

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A 70 year old virgin Nun goes to a gynecologist

Because she is experiencing some discomfort. When she explains what’s going on, the gynecologist runs some tests. Later he came back into the room and told the nun that her tests are positive for crabs. “That’s impossible, my body hasn’t been touched by anyone.” She says to him. So she leaves to go ...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

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Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

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The dress of love

A young woman is about to get married and wants to make her first night with her husband to be as special as possible. While she is wedding planning with her mother, aunt and grandma she decides to ask them what she should do during the wedding night to get her husband really going. Her mom goes fir...

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

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They say opinions are like assholes.

Except I've never masturbated to an opinion.

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I think I need a second opinion.

My doctor said I have kidney disease.

I told him I'm a grown ass man and my knees feel fine.

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I was asked during a job interview....

what is my greatest strength? I replied, " My greatest strength is my ability to give my opinion on anything regardless of other's feelings or concern. ".
The person interviewing me started to say," I don't see that as a strength rather it's weak...".
I quickly said, " I don't give a fuck what...

You know what they say about opinions?

Take away the 3.14159265359 and you have onions

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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

My opinion on abortion is kinda complicated.

I'm all for killing children, but I cant stand giving women rights.

Unpopular opinion: frisbees aren’t heavy enough

Discus.

"So what's your opinion on Roe vs. Wade?

"Well, I prefer to float"

daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister

daughter: but I don't have a sister

Dad: exactly

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

An activist ask about my opinion on immigration reform

Apparently 'Im on the fence about it' is the wrong answer

What do you call a fast, carnivorous dinosaur with opinions on Hegel and Kant?

A philosoraptor!

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I don't mind if you have a strong opinion about blowjobs.

I just don't want it rammed down my throat.

Opinions are like boomers

Everyone’s entitled to them

What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions?

A prejudice

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

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An opinion is like an asshole

Everyone has one, and nobody cares to see yours posted on the internet.

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

My friend asked me for my opinion on his new bed...

I told him I'll sleep on it

Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

So here's my opinion of this sub

Its pretty good 9/10 would eat here agian

I never put my unpopular opinions on Reddit.

I guess you could say I'm a Karma Chameleon.

Why can’t sunglasses have political opinions?

Because they’re so polarizing

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

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Unpopular opinion but true

Gay men are fucking assholes

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

You are obese!

A woman visits the doctor

Doctor: Madame, you are obese.

Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!

Doctor: Your hair looks stupid.

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

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Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

Did you hear the joke about the leg?

In my opinions it wasn't very fu-knee.

What? You don't like my joke? I thought it was pretty humerus.

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Political opinions are like penises

It's fine to be proud of it, just don't take it out in public or try to force it down someone else's throat.

People keep telling me I wouldn't value other opinions enough.

Little do they know.

What was the inspector's opinion on the Jet Engine?

He was blown away.

My friends have started a podcast where they argue about their cheese opinions

It's called "k......so?"

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Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

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What do political opinions and a penis have in common?

It is rude to bust them out in public...

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Opinions are like orgasms.

I can have one at home using the internet and that’s fine but if I have one at a party everybody asks me to leave.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

I have mixed opinions on Asia as a whole.

For starters, while South Korea is absolutely lively, the rest of Asia is completely Seoulless!

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Why can't you ask a Jew for their opinion?

Because it's tough to grab their two cents

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

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