UPJOKE
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An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

My opinion is like a tower.

If you get me high, I can be swayed.

An opinion without 3.14

Is just an onion.

Doctors opinion

Doktor to patient “you are too fat”
Patient: “I would like a second opinion”
Doktor: “you are also ugly”

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Assholes are like opinions....

I wish my wife cared more about mine.

I had two opposite opinions at my last hospital appointment

It was a pair o' docs.

The UN asked an American, an Ethiopian, and a Chinese for their opinion on the global food shortage

None of them understood the question;

The American asked what is a shortage.

The Ethiopian asked what is food.

The Chinese asked what is a opinion.

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Opinions are like assholes

I can't get enough of my darling wife's.

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A Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

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I asked my wife...

"What's your opinion on the state of English football?"

"Its fucking shit," she replied, "absolute crap."

"More than likely," I said,

"but let's hear it anyway."

I want people’s opinions to help me decide something...

I’ve just received an automated phone call saying I’ve won either £250 cash or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute concert. Should I press 1 for the money or 2 for the show?

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What was the ottoman's opinion about Vlad the Impaler?

He was a big pain in the ass.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

He said okay, Those are the worst tattoo's I ever saw!

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

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Second opinion

A man was walking into the therapist‘s office and sat down. „What’s your problem?“, asked the therapist. The man answered: „Well I have massive struggles to find a girlfriend and I don’t know why“. He looked the man deep in the eyes and said with a very meaningful face: „Well it’s because you’re ugl...

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

What's the difference between pizza and your opinion

I asked for the pizza

Trump, walking and arguing with a critic, stops a random person in the street to ask their opinion on the matter at hand.

Trump: Sir, maybe you can settle something for us; what do YOU think of how I performed as president of the United States?

Random Guy: Monumental

Trump: Thank you sir, you've been very helpful!

(To the Critic) See?! What did I tell you?

Critic: uhhhhh...that guy was Jama...

Four doctors are sitting in a boat in the reeds, duck hunting.

The family practitioner spots a flock of fowl flying overhead, turns to the specialist and says: "I think those are ducks. I need a second opinion."

The specialist says: "I can schedule you in for a consult in two months."

The surgeon picks up his shotgun. BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!!! Three of t...

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Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one

So, if you don't have one


You're full of shit.

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Opinions are like assholes…

… if an expert tells you there is something wrong with yours, it is best to have it examined.

How do you express your opinion in China?

\[redacted\]

In Soviet Russia, a man calls the police.

"Comrade commissar, I want to report that my parrot escaped."

"Comrade, we have more important things to do than look for your parrot!" answers the policeman.

"I am not expecting you to find him, comrade, I just want you to know that I don't share his opinions!"

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

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Orgasms are like opinions.

Mine is more important and I don't care if she has one.

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night

One doctor husband told his non doctor wife one night:

“You are not that great in the bed anymore“

The wife kept mum. Went to the bedroom and came out dressed to go out.

Husband: “Where are you going out at this hour ?“

Wife : “To get a second opinion“

The food at my favorite restaurant has been really up and down lately

Some blame the cooks but in my opinion it’s the dumb waiters

my doctor told me to stay away from trans fats

i know what you're thinking, how rude.

in my opinion, a doctor shouldn't get any say in who their patients date

I’m sorry ma’am your husband has diabetes

And if he doesn’t change he’s diet soon, he’s at risk for a heart attack or a possible stroke.

Lady: “We’d like to get a second opinion”

Doctor: “Okay. He’s ugly, too.”

What do you call a redditor with an opinion?

Names

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I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms

But it was a shittake!

USSR time, a man came to KGB office

USSR time, a man came to KGB office.
Man: I lost my parrot.
Officer: we got nothing to do with that, but you can report lost pet to Militia (Police).
Man: well, I just want to say I don't share my parrots opinion about general secretary and the communist party.

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I hate people who force their opinions down on others!

and so should you…

A newly discovered Greek Philosopher once said..."Meh,good enough" .Which is my opinion on most of these jokes.

---Mediocrates

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

An Elvis Presley fan decides to get his likeness tattooed on each of her thighs.

However, she was not entirely pleased with the end result. One night, during a particularly successful tinder date, she decided to get a second opinion. Flipping on the lights and lifting her frock she asked her date "Does this look like Elvis to you?" After a moment of careful study, her date repli...

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:

*"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE World"* No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:
1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no on...

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My first YouTube video!

I'm starting a YouTube channel! My first video will be a poor edit of my weird opinions on Japanese mushrooms supposedly giving you diarrhea.

"Shit takes of shit takes on Shiitake shit aches"

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So my wife was complaining to me about how little men listen to women.

I told her that I could prove even random men listened to her better than women. Sure that her opinion would prevail, she happily went with me to the mall where we could find the most people.



After asking a question to 5 men and 5 women, all of the men answered immediately. All of th...

Joe works as a newspaper delivery man.

He likes his job, but holds a low opinion of the newspaper he works for. He thinks they are sensationalist and have a poor standard of writing. Still, the job pays well and has good benefits, so he tries not to think about it.

One day a man visits the newspaper's office and asks if they have ...

I didn't know JK Rowling was an audiophile, but it isn't surprising

She's obviously very opinionated about trans coding

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story:

There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umb...

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

A man asked a quantum physicist what his opinion on Quantum Superpositions was.

He replied, "Ah well, I'm neither here nor there."

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

Friends are like opinions

I don’t know why I have them, but there’s no way in hell I’m gonna change them

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Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

How do trees express their opinion?

They hand out leaflets

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different.

I was in tiers.

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I think I need a second opinion.

My doctor said I have kidney disease.

I told him I'm a grown ass man and my knees feel fine.

Unpopular opinion: frisbees aren’t heavy enough

Discus.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

A man walks into a Christian talk centre

He listens to the priests speech and halfway through interrupts him.

“Your god can’t exist and Jesus can’t be his son and your bible is corrupted.”
The priest objects “my son i have proof if you would just let me finish-“

But the man exits the centre. The priest secretl...

a Chinese man says his opinion

just kidding

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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

Unpopular Opinion: It’s okay to be intolerant

If you’re allergic to dairy

A foreign reporter asked a Beijing citizen for his opinion on the government's handling of the Corona virus

"I can't say"

I shared my opinion on this site.

I regreddit.

My opinion on abortion is kinda complicated.

I'm all for killing children, but I cant stand giving women rights.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

daughter: Dad, what's your opinion on abortions?

Dad: Ask your sister

daughter: but I don't have a sister

Dad: exactly

An activist ask about my opinion on immigration reform

Apparently 'Im on the fence about it' is the wrong answer

My friend with a lisp has a strong opinion on the Titanic II

As he put it, they're doing the unsinkable!

You know man, some presidents didn’t give many opinions but...

JFK was pretty open minded

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An opinion is like an asshole

Everyone has one, and nobody cares to see yours posted on the internet.

"So what's your opinion on Roe vs. Wade?

"Well, I prefer to float"

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They say opinions are like assholes.

Except I've never masturbated to an opinion.

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I don't mind if you have a strong opinion about blowjobs.

I just don't want it rammed down my throat.

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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

I've never loved this joke but I'm posting as a result of a previous, lesser joke (my opinion, prove me wrong)

A man sees a beautiful woman on the street realizing he must have her, he propositions;

"I'll give you $10,000 for you to make love to me" he says

Considering the financial windfall the woman accepts.

The man then asks frugally "ok how about $500?"

Insulted the woman re...

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Unpopular opinion but true

Gay men are fucking assholes

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

You know what they say about opinions?

Take away the 3.14159265359 and you have onions

Critical opinions

People keep saying me that I am dumb and I agree, afterall that is why I am still listening them.

My friend asked me for my opinion on his new bed...

I told him I'll sleep on it

So here's my opinion of this sub

Its pretty good 9/10 would eat here agian

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Don't let someone's opinion of you become your reality

Asshole

In my opinion, claustrophobics are the most creative.

They always think out of the box.

What sort of dice has its opinions formed by preconceived notions?

A prejudice

Opinions are like boomers

Everyone’s entitled to them

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

A daughter shows her banker father her work on Bitcoin's lightning network to speed up transactions, in response he ask's her if she would like to hear his opinion on Bitcoin. She replies yes.

"It's worthless" her father says

"I know" She replies "But let's hear it anyway"

People think that I'm stupid because I ask them for money in exchange of politically incorrect opinions.

Well, I beg to differ.

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Why can't you ask a Jew for their opinion?

Because it's tough to grab their two cents

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Unpopular opinion, but I like the police...

...I mean their back catalog of singles is legendary. Cop their critically acclaimed album “Synchronicity”.

What do you call a fast, carnivorous dinosaur with opinions on Hegel and Kant?

A philosoraptor!

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. ...

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Opinions are like orgasms.

I can have one at home using the internet and that’s fine but if I have one at a party everybody asks me to leave.

What was the inspector's opinion on the Jet Engine?

He was blown away.

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

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Political opinions are like penises

It's fine to be proud of it, just don't take it out in public or try to force it down someone else's throat.

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