I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

What do you call a flex tape malfunction?

A STICKY SITUATION!

My Biggest flex is...

I have a pen that can write underwater!

Them: No you dont, really?

Me: Yeah! It can write other words also.

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

3 Boys Flexing...

Three boys were having an argument about who's dad is the best of them. The first boy said:
-My dad is a prince and everyone greets him saying Your highness.
The second boy said:
-Well my dad is the king and everyone greets them saying My king.
The third boy said:
-WELL MY DAD WEIGHT...

My friend used to always flex on me

He is now a registered flex offender

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What would happen if I put flex seal in my ass?

It would be bad... No shit

How do genies flex on each-other?

Djinnstagram

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape

Weird flex but ok

I keep a photo of my mother flexing inside the charm of my necklace

Because she is a strong, in the pendant woman

Satan was showing a group of people how he flexes one of his muscles.

It was a demonsstriation.

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

Mirror Mirror

A man is admiring himself in the mirror. As he flexes and checks himself out he says, “An inch more and I’d be king.”

The mirror begins laughing, “An inch less and you'd be a queen.”

I went up to a couple of girls and started flexing, and they ran away.

They must have gone to spread the word.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

I finally scored a date with a gymnast!

We hit it off at dinner and went back to my place for drinks.

One thing led to another and before we knew it we were making out and trying to get eachother out of our clothes.

She goes into the center of the room and contorts herself into this strange shape. She beckons me over and w...

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A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary...

A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary the next day, and gets her name "Wendy", tatooed on his penis. When he comes home that night, he tells Wendy he has a surprise for her. He undresses and shows off his dong to her, but she is confused.

"Why did you get "...

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I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,

I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While sipping his whiskey he notices a small, gilded box at the end of the bar and inquires about it to the bartender. "You're not quite drunk enough, my friend."

The man thinks it odd but continues to drink. Two more whiskeys later he asks again. "...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

I have a superpower

I can use the heat generated from cellular respiration to make the muscles in my arms contract
Not to flex or anything...

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Phil Swift doesnt make sex tapes

He makes flex tapes

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

During an earthquake drill, a teacher mentions the age of the school and how the windows might move a bit.

A kid then says, “well that would be a weird flex but ok”

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A german man is having vacation in Africa

He gets in a bar and sits on a table. Shortly after, the female bartender comes and serves him. As he drinks his beer he recognises some scratches in the table about 30cm from the edge.
As the bartender came again he asked: "Why are there these scratches?"
Bartender:"Yesterday 3 black men came...

Do you ever make a good joke...

Just to flex on Amy Schumer?

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I’ve been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. I’m very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend I’ve developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

What is the key to bragging about your ability to time travel?

A Flex Capacitor.

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Three mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar having drinks. They all order a shot of whiskey together and are thinking of something to drink to.

The first mouse says, "I'm so fucking hardcore the first thing I do when I go home every night is find a pill of rat poison, grind it up, and use it to season a...

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A guy buys a ranch.

A city guy buys a ranch. He sits on the porch of his new house taking in the fresh country air when a dusty truck pulls up.

The man in the truck gets out. he's 7 feet tall, with a huge beard. " I came to invite you to a little Welcome to the Neighborhood party at my place tonight. "

"W...

How did Jesus walk on water?

He just covered his feet with flex tape

Samsung Announces a Foldable Phone

weird flex but ok

My wife hates it when I reference memes.

Weird flex but okay.

A bodybuilder just knocked on my door

When he moved to the neighborhood the courts ordered him to tell everyone he is a flex offender.

Why do apple products bend so easily?

Because they're made for flexing.

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Joe and Tim

Tim was a ticket collector in the bus...One day a heavily built guy named Joe entered and shooed him off.
This repeated for another two weeks. Pissed off, he started bodybuilding and in a month he had huge biceps
The next day Joe once again said,"Joe does not need a ticket"
"Why the f*ck d...

A guy is getting arrested...

... When the cop asks him "Sir, do you have any weapons on you?"

The guy flexes his biceps and says "Not unless you count these guns."

The cop rolls his eyes and said "No sir, we don't count your arms as weapons."

The guy replied "Good, I wouldn't want you to disarm me."
...

So it's that time of the month,

And my wife says to me: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but cramping is your uterus shedding its lining, right?"

Laying on the couch in pain, I reply: "Yes, it's the muscles literally cramping to break up the lining and pass it... It's a weird flex but it's okay."

She's not happy with me rig...

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

Did you hear Phil Swift is getting a divorce?

He said “To show the power of Flex Tape, I’ll saw this marriage in half.”

What did the doctor say to the man that came in with a nervous tick

Weird flex but okay

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

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A Jock goes to the doctor, worried that he pulled a muscle.

Based on the activities that the jock describes doing, the doctor determines the most likely place of injury is his ass.

"I have a simple method of determining whether or not you've pulled a muscle. Try contracting the muscles of that area in a manner that you don't normally contract them. ...

IT just recabled my office

IT just recabled my office. The new cabling is a strange multicolored plastic tubing that keeps all the cables nice and tidy.
In fact it looks pretty good.

Then I had to fill out a satisfaction survey: How does it look?

Weird flex but okay.

I'm slightly peturbed by people these days showing off in weird, but understandable ways on social media.

Weird flex, but ok.

A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, ass...

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Ford cars and anal.. If you replace ford with anal you will get some interesting results.

Anal Explorer
Anal Fiesta
Anal Focus
Anal Flex
Anal Fusion

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

Do you know a good veterinarian?

Got asked this by a friend the other day.

Hey, do you know a good veterinarian?
<he starts flexing his muscles>
'cause these puppies are SICK.

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A barnyard parable...

A young bird left late on his first southern migration and was caught in an early freezing rain causing him to land in a barnyard, unable to fly and freezing to death.

As he crouched there shivering and freezing to death, by chance the last of the farmer's cows plopped a load of manure on the...

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