UPJOKE
excitearouseswitch onwind uptripflipswitchchangeget offhinge ontrip outdepend ongostimulateturn into

Today my boyfriend told me that honesty is a major turn on for him

Big if true.

How many tickles does it take to turn on a anime girl?

Tentacles

I finally got my turn on Dall-E and wanted to give it a real challenge so I asked it to render a bilious pile of rancid garbage with no hope, joy or radiance whatsoever.

Bloody waste of my turn, I could’ve taken a selfie anytime.

What happens if you don't turn on your computer for a year

It loses it's drive

Why did the Easter kangaroo turn on the light?

Because it was so dark. (Original joke by my 3 year old. I'm dying)

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

Did you know your faucet has 15 different mechanisms that help turn on the water?

They all work in sink.

Guys don't turn on the news right now

There are spoilers for season 1, Handmaid's Tale

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

“Alexa, turn on CNN. I want to hear the news.”

“You’ll have to pick one or the other.”

How many Sony and Microsoft fanboys does it take to turn on a lightbulb?

I don't know. They won't go near the Switch.

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

What do you call a transphobe that can turn on 50 lights at once?

A Jenner-hater

How does a Memphis girl turn on her bedroom light?

She opens the car door...

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

My wife got mad at me because apparently turn on the veg doesn't mean..

Finger her disabled sister

How do you turn on a switch?

You finger it

So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.

I replied “make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.”

How do male pray mantises turn on their partners?

They give them a little head.

My girlfriend and I were arguing about who had touched the air conditioner last, because it wouldn't turn on.

Needless to say, things got pretty heated.

Friend: I can't turn on my computer

Me: I can help you with that

*strokes computer*

Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Turning on your computer

A husband thinks his wife is cheating on him so he asks her to turn on the blender...

when he calls her on his lunch break at work.

The husband calls, asks if she's home, and if she could turn on the blender for proof.
She turns it on.

The next day, the husband calls again.
The wife turns on the blender.

The next day, husband calls, wife turns on the blende...

How do you tell a dyslectic to take the left turn on the road?

Turn toward your side!

How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

What day is it when you turn on reddit?

Groundhog day.

Same old, same old jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm going to invent a button that you kick to turn on your computer

and call it DOS boot.

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

How does ISIS turn on their water heater?

They light the pilot on fire.

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.

I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

A man doesn't know how to turn on his freezer

He goes to his friend for help. Happy to help, his friend explains what to do.
His friend asks "do you need me to explain it anymore?"
The man says "No thanks, icy now".

What kind of dog can turn on your car?

Yorkies

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.