UPJOKE
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Turn On Jokes

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

My dogs only like me when I turn on the AC

I guess that's what they call, *airconditional love*.

“Alexa, turn on CNN. I want to hear the news.”

“You’ll have to pick one or the other.”

How many tickles does it take to turn on a anime girl?

Tentacles

Every time I’m having a microwave meal, I turn on the movie “The Golden Eye”.

The instructions say —Pierce film before cooking.

Today my boyfriend told me that honesty is a major turn on for him

Big if true.

Every time I turn on my friend’s mustang it sprays this weird fluid everywhere

And apparently he doesn’t want me to come over and take care of his horses anymore

Why did the Easter kangaroo turn on the light?

Because it was so dark. (Original joke by my 3 year old. I'm dying)

In the age of streaming, I don't get why I have to watch re-runs from the 60/70s whenever I turn on the TV

Inflation going rampant, NASA going to the moon, Russia/US on the brink of war.....

Guys don't turn on the news right now

There are spoilers for season 1, Handmaid's Tale

How many Sony and Microsoft fanboys does it take to turn on a lightbulb?

I don't know. They won't go near the Switch.

What happens if you don't turn on your computer for a year

It loses it's drive

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

How do you turn on a switch?

You finger it

How does the Alchemist turn on his girlfriend?

Elixir.

My girlfriend: "Did you forget to turn on the dishwasher?"

Me: *sipping coffe from a vase*
"No, why?"

How does a Memphis girl turn on her bedroom light?

She opens the car door...

I tried to build a computer out of wood, but it wouldn't turn on.

All bark and no byte.

how old did the brit turn on his birthday

FOR TEA!!!

How do the French turn on their computers?

By pressing Ctrl+Alt+Retreat.

How many periodic elements does it take to turn on a light?

Sulfur, Tungsten, Iodine, Technetium, and Hydrogen.

What day is it when you turn on reddit?

Groundhog day.

Same old, same old jokes.

So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.

I replied “make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

My wife got mad at me because apparently turn on the veg doesn't mean..

Finger her disabled sister

What do you call a transphobe that can turn on 50 lights at once?

A Jenner-hater

How does ISIS turn on their water heater?

They light the pilot on fire.

I finally got my turn on Dall-E and wanted to give it a real challenge so I asked it to render a bilious pile of rancid garbage with no hope, joy or radiance whatsoever.

Bloody waste of my turn, I could’ve taken a selfie anytime.

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