Canal Jokes - 49 Hilarious Canal Jokes

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Saw people having an argument on their canal boat.

Bit of argy bargy.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

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Am I too late to make jokes about The Evergreen in Suaz Canal?

Has that ship already sailed?

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You know why it's so hard to steer through the Suez Canal?

Because it's not Strait.

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I wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but I couldn't get the timing right.

That ship had sailed long ago.

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My mother-in-law says she’s thinking of throwing herself in the canal, I hope she doesn’t do anything stupid.

Like changing her mind.

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So a dentist just finished his first root canal...

I guess you could say it was his crowning achievement.

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did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

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Fella told the dentist he did not need anesthesia for his root canal.

Said he had only felt pain twice in his life. So the dentist finished the root canal and said I have never seen anyone like this before. May I ask about the two times you felt pain?
Fella explained he was out hunting one winter day. Felt the call of nature, so he dropped his pants and squatted...

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Maritime History Professor: So, what do you think is the most important sea in Europe?

Student: Undoubtedly the one in Amsterdam Canal Experience.

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

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Two irish men meet in a pub.

One day two Irishmen are sitting in a pub drinking pints of Guinness.
‘Excuse me sir,” one man says to the other,
“but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says, “I noticed the very same thing. Where are you from?”
“I’m from Dublin,” says the second man. ...

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I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.

\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

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Bloody autocorrect strikes again...

The other day I sent my best mate a text saying, 'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?'

I mean, how embarrassing...

I meant 'canal'

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Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

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Autocorrect is a nuisance. I texted my friend to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal

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Autocorrect has once again fucked me over. I just accidentally messaged my mate asking if he fancied a wank down the river...

Bastard. I meant canal.

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This actually happened

My school did hybrid in-person and remote classes this year. Some people always zoomed in for reasons, but most people went to school in person when they could. One day when we were in person, our teacher noticed that someone who usually comes in was zooming.

So he asks what's wrong and she ...

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What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

Where do little ships come from?

From berthing canals.

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

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Three Engineers Are Debating the Nature of God...

They are a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer. They each speak their opinion on God's nature in turn.

The mechanical engineer says "God is a mechanical engineer". He proceeds to detail the workings of the human skeletal system, with its intricate joints and...

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Don't Worry. The Tides Will Take Care of It.

Upon learning that the captain of the freighter that blocked the Suez Canal was ambivalent about the mess he created, the ship has been re-christened as the *No Fucks Ever Given.*

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My girlfriend told me that I got her pregnant on our trip to Venice, but I don't know if I believe her...

We only had canal sex.

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A Frenchman wished to assess the buoyancy of the common household cat.

So he took three cats down to the canal and threw them in, and *un, deux, trois* cats sank.

Fortunately a kindly German saw this and jumped in (after punching the Frenchman on the nose) and rescued the cats. He looked them over and said "Huh. Bit ze vorse for vair, but I zink I can save zem"....

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Two kids talking about their dads achievements

Kid1: have you heard of panama canal?

Kid2: yes.

Kid1: you know my dad dug it.

Kid2: ok, thats it. Have you heard about the dead sea?

Kid1: yes

Kid2: My dad killed it.

Why did the numbers 25, 36, and 49 go to the dentist?

For a square root canal

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A limerick for Grangemouth, Falkirk, Scotland

In Grangemouth there's an oil refinery
A port, a canal and a winery
An to thrill you to bits
All the girls have 10 tits
That is if you count them in binary

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Mr. and Mrs White are in the delivery room of the hospital

waiting for the arrival of their newborn son. As the child emerges from the birth canal, a puzzled look comes over the doctor's face, as the child has jet black eyes, a flatter nose, and a few strands of black hair. He notices that Mr. and Mrs. White both have blue eyes and blonde hair. "This chi...

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In honor of Fathers Day, my dad's favorite joke

An Indian goes to the dentist to get a root canal. The dentist asks if the Indian would like any gas.

"No." reply's the Indian. "This will be nothing. I have already felt the worst pain possible and survived."

So the dentist performs the whole procedure without any gas or pain killer...

A man visits a dentist

He has horrible pain in his mouth.

The dentist examines him, and says, "There is extensive damage in here, what is your diet like?"
The man says, "Hollandaise sauce. Morning, noon and night. I eat it on everything."
"Well, the damage seems very extensive, but I think I can fix it. You w...

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A Dutch anti-German joke (and the first foreign joke i ever learned!)

There's still a lot of ill feeling against the Germans in Holland. With that in mind, this is a joke a Dutch friend told me.

Walking around Amsterdam one day, a Dutchie sees a man down on his knees scooping up water from the canal with his hand to drink.

He shouts to the man (in Dutc...

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I disagree with artificial intelligence...

My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea: no matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, the shoes got bored j...

All the old farmer wanted to do was make his wife happy.

An old farmer came from riches, but he truly loved his wife. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his money and would do anything to have it all for herself.

She complained about how much effort it took to plant, water, and grow the vegetables. So the old farmer built the strongest dam, and...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.

Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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Two guys driving out in the countryside (long)

So these two guys are out driving in the countryside and the car comes to a slow stop. "oh shit we have run out of petrol" says the one driving. " Look there's a farmhouse over there you stay here and I will go see if I can get some won't be long". So he knocks on the farmhouse door and there is no ...

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who bought experimental AI shoes?

He always stayed out late drinking and partying and most mornings he woke up god knows where, no wallet or phone, completely lost and stranded.

One day he met a man at a bar, they got talking and the man told him about these new shoes his company was developing; no matter how out of it you we...

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Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing f...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

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One day the pope suddenly died...

...and around the world millions were shocked and saddened at the death of the man that lead the world to Jesus. An X-ray was done of his body as part of the investigation into his death and a strange abnormality was detected. Deep down his left ear canal was some kind of tiny device shaped like a s...

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What is courage??

COURAGE?

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a Bull in a bullfight without any weapon?

Is it to undertake a cross-country auto trip in a Chrysler Corporation car?

Is it to fly a fighter plane in combat?

Is it to undergo open-heart surgery knowing that th...

A dignified matron notices that although her dog is affectionate,

he no longer comes when she calls him. Worried that something might be wrong, she takes him to the vet.

The vet examines the dog and says, "He's fine, it's just that his ear canals are blocked by fur, so he can't hear you. I can trim it near the surface, but it's also growing farther down i...

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