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An irate man barges into a bar with an AK-47 in his hands and shouts, “Who the fuck has been sleeping with my wife?!”

A man in the back shouts back, “You do not have enough bullets, pal.”

A waiter barges into his manager's office

"Help!" he says, "There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!"

The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two high guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as t...

A Barge Carrying Vegetables Sinks In a Harbor...

The disaster report claimed the boat had too many leeks.

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...

"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

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So a tenant barges through the door to his landlord's office. "You gotta do something! She's out there every day and it's disgusting!"

"Who is?" the startled landlord asks.

"There's this watersports hooker. She hangs around the front lobby. You gotta get rid of her!"

The landlord scratches his head. "I can guess you might think she's a hooker from her clothing, but what makes you think she's into watersports!?"
...

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do...

A pirate barges into a tavern with a paper towel under his hat.

The pirate looks around nervously and asks the man behind the bar to help hide him. The barkeep asks what the matter is and what the paper towel is for. The pirate quickly responds,

"I've got a bounty on me head, matey."

A man barges into a bar

and yells for the bartender to pour seven shots of whiskey and hurry. The bartender, taken aback, does what he is told. The man starts to quickly down the shots, one after the other, without stopping until all the glasses are empty. The bartender asks, "Why on earth are you drinking this much, th...

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby.

Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The b...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

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A man, suspicious that his wife has been cheating on him hires a private investigator to follow her.

One night she tells her husband that she’s going out to see her mother.

The private investigator springs into action and follows her to the local bar. The private investigator then calls the husband and lets him know where she is.

Angry, the husband decides to load up his revolver, dr...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

A husband stumbles into his house, drunk as hell...

He barges into his bedroom, clutching a duck under his arm and exclaims "this is the pig I sleep with every night!"
The wife says "that's a duck, dumbass."
The husband replies "Shut up, can't you see I'm having a conversation with my duck!"

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Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived in a small rural town...

Once upon a time, there was a little boy who lived in a small rural town. There was nothing to do there, so to pass the time, he liked to make paper boats and float them in puddles when it rained.

One year, a huge rainstorm hit, and the boy’s town was completely flooded. The town elders gathe...

A father Is lounging in his study..

When one of his daughters walks in and asks "Daddy.. why is my name Rose?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a rose petal on your face." The second daughter barges in and asks "Daddy why Is my name Daisy?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a daisy peta...

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Grammer Nazi

"Sir we are mining too many useless minerals" (hitler scratches his chin in contemplation) “Mine less then.” (grammar nazi barges in) “mine FEWER” (hitler turns to the man) “Yes? What do you need?”

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The Queen's Crossword

The queen had just completed the annual knighting ceremony. She had picked Claire Heinz, the scientist who's work was considered unethical by most, but she respected her anyways. An angry mob had already formed and was attempting to barge into the Buckingham palace.

This was nothing new. T...

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3 cheerleaders NSFW

Three horny cheerleaders decide to take their boyfriends to a hotel and get fucked. So they check in at the hotel and go to their rooms. But their parents get worried for them and go looking for them. They find the hotel and go inside. They go up into the hallway and hear their girls. From one room ...

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Heaven's New Rule

Heaven is getting a little crowded, so God decides to have a new rule. The new rule is that no one can get into heaven from now on unless they had a really bad death. God explains this to all the angels, including St. Peter, who is the gatekeeper of heaven.

So St. Peter is waiting at the gat...

And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"

"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."

"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundr...

Watson and Holmes are returning from the lock-and-key shop where they've ordered an extra apartment key because Watson lost his.

As they arrive, Watson bounds up the steps to 221B Baker Street and barges into their apartment as Sherlock Holmes follows him.

"I'll show you my deductions today Holmes!", he says. "I can deduce too!"

Sherlock Holmes shows him the only key to the apartment and says, "What can you ded...

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Pussy Eating Frog (NSFW)

A woman had some time to kill, so she decided to go browse in a pet store. She's looking around, and the owner approaches her and asks if she's looking for anything in particular. She says, "No, I'm just browsing."

"Well, perhaps I can interest you in one of our new arrivals. He's a very r...

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The Clown Joke

**Preface** - *I did not write this joke, but it has been my favorite for twenty years and remains the only long joke that I ever bother reciting irl. I hope you enjoy it:).*

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact t...

How do you celebrate Christopher Columbus day?

Barge into your neighbor's home and claim it as yours.

The captain has good news and bad news.

The Egyptian royal barge returns to harbour after a long day ferrying the pharaoh up and down the Nile. The captain says to the tired oarsmen 'Right, lads, I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?'

The oarsmen consult among themselves and decide they fancy some good n...

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A man and his wife decide to have sex

But the wife isn't comfortable with their son, Johnny, being able to barge in on them during the act.

The man has an idea.

He goes up to his son, "Johnny, let's make a deal. Stare out of the window and for every person dressed in black you see, I'll give you a dollar."

Johnny...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar...

An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pull...

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving

A young boy is playing with his toys on Thanksgiving. His mother walks in the room and asks him to put his toys away. She tells him his grandparents are on the way and asks if he can go check on his brothers and dad to see if they're ready. The little boy obeys and wonders off to his brothers room. ...

The one about the watch

Tim a six year old sees his fellow six year old friend Eric at the playground. Eric's wearing a brand new Spider-man watch.
Tim: Cool watch! Is that new?
Eric: Yea my dad bought it for me yesterday.
Tim: Why? Was it your birthday?
Eric: No...yesterday, Him and my mom went into the bedroo...

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My grandfathers favorite joke..

In a biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard. "Now class, who can tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand. "It's a dick, Mariavanna!" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out of the class. Moments later, the principal angrily barges in. "Alright, which one of you did ...

Three strings are going out drinking...

But sadly, they live in a world where strings aren't allowed to drink. They are tired of this lifestyle, however, and they want to have their drinks no matter what, so they head out to the local bars. At the first bar they come to, they try to be straight up about it. The strings walk up to the b...