Train conductor who killed a pedestrian gets asked why he didn't stop in time

'Jumper to bumper traffic you know'

Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole

I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

What do you call a video of pedestrians?

Footage

Two Muggers and a Pedestrian

A man was walking home from work at midnight through a dark alley. Two Muggers attack him and demand that he gives up every valuable he got. The guy wouldnt so they start fighting. So after fighting for about 10 minutes, everyone was exhausted, the Pedestrian gives up.
The Mugshots search his po...

Driving in real life is just like Mariokart, and pedestrians are mystery cubes

The surprise is 25 to life though...

A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden.

Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France's biggest military victory.

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive.

That's the last time I use that towing company.

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BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision

Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

NSFW: Drunk driving Jethro hits two black pedestrians. Jethro asks Buford the Sheriff why he's cuffing the two dying black men...

... Buford says, "I'm arresting this one in your windshield for breaking and entering, and the other one laying in the corn field for leaving the scene of an accident"

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

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Traffic in New York is terrible. After a while though, most of the pedestrians get across...

The Jews get a star

I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, when a woman asked me, "What's that beep, beep sound?"

I said, "It's so blind people know when to go."

"Oh right." she replied. "Where I'm from, we don't let them drive."

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

A guy is driving a Mercedes with a blonde girl in a front seat.

She looked around the car, amazed, and then she saw the Mercedes logo, prominent on the front of the car's hood.

- Hey, what's that? - she asked.

- That? - he replied, chuckling - That's an aiming reticle. I use it to be able to hit pedestrians more reliably.

The girl fell silen...

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

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A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

A drunk man got on Mercedes-Benz model taxi

He asks the driver:"Why is the hood ornament on mercs like that"
Driver jokingly answered:"so its easier to aim when running over pedestrians.
See that old lady crossing the road over there?"
The driver starts to acclerate towards her and on the last moment avoids her.
"what was that so...

A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to p...

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A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally...

Last winter, I made snow angels

I lost control and took out three pedestrians

You know what I miss?

Pedestrians, about 90% of the time.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.

Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?

The taxi driver realizing this guy ...

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

My uni just started an acting troupe called the Footbridge

It's like the Footlights, but more pedestrian.

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

On her sixth birthday, Joe decided to get his daughter, Violet, a new bike and teach her to ride it.

The whole family - Joe, Joy, Violet, and Billy - piled into the family station wagon and went down to the local toy store to pick one out. On entering the store, Violet immediately honed in on the perfect bike - it had streamers, a pinwheel, a bell, and a kickstand. It even was colored violet - her ...

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The Taxi Driver

A taxi driver was driving a passenger across town, and the passenger tapped him on his shoulder and said " where are we going?" The taxi driver swerved and hit a parked car and almost hit a pedestrian. The passenger said " Oh I am so sorry I startled you!" And the taxi driver apologized and said " T...

Two nuns are riding bikes

Two nuns are riding bikes in London. They are having a great time, seeing the sights and talking to pedestrians. Suddenly, the older nun notices how dark it is getting and says "We have to get back to the convent before dark. I know a shortcut." She leads the younger nun on a shortcut through the ol...

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[long] A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life...

...when questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!"

A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing - "look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that g...

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

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A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

3 hours in the crucifixion of Jesus one of his disciples, Andrew, is wandering the streets of Jerusalem still trying to fathom what just happened

with no specific end destination Andrew just walks around in a somewhat foggy state of mind. Suddenly he hears a distant and very silent cry:

"Andreeeeew..."

First he thinks it´s his own mind playing tricks with him or maybe somehow just the wind but then he hears it again..:

"A...

I remember back in the day, kids would call me cool when I rode my bike with no hands.

But as an adult with a drivers license all they say is, "CHAD WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT PEDESTRIAN!"

I made snow angels this Christmas...

My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

A drunk guy is driving around Paris...

He keeps crashing into everything, and almost kills several pedestrians. Eventually, he's about to cross a bridge, but he doesn't make it, and instead plunges his car into the water below. However, the guy doesn't seem to care, as he tries to keep driving.

A nearby ship: "What the heck is wro...

A blonde in her Corvette convertible passes a policeman at high speed.

He immediately flips on his lights and gives chase. She careens at a corner and knocks over a mailbox, then jumps the sidewalk sending pedestrians scrambling for safety. She gets back onto the road and approaches a red light with traffic stopped, but swerves into the opposite lane crossing the doubl...

A Mercedes picks up a Hungarian hitchhiker...

This being Hungary, the hitchhiker isn't used to seeing Mercedes on the road, and asks what [that thing on the front of the car](http://www.automotive-stock-images.com/photos/hood-ornament-1928-mercedes-benz-680s.jpg) is. The driver, somewhat amused, jokes:

"Why, that's the car's sights. Like...

A fine Lamborghini

A guy wanted to buy a Lamborghini. It was his lifelong dream. One day he achieved gathering enough funds to finally fulfill his ambition. He had dubious means of making a living (due to his burning desire to be the proud owner, nay, carer of a Lamborghini), so he went to the dealership (which was no...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

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Phil dies and is met by the Devil in front of three doors.

The Devil takes him to one side. 'Look, Phil,' he says, 'we're trying something out to cut down on admin down here. We used to assign punishments to the damned that fit their sins, but now we're letting people choose themselves.'

He gestures to the three doors. 'What I can do for you is this:...

Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...

They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"

"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.

"What do you mean?" Sa...

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An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke...

He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before.

He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, "Why the long face...

An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies

"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."

A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver bar...

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Horrible Crash

"Two pedestrians die in a horrible crash!"

Wow, they must've been walking pretty fucking fast.

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Opporknockity, and a short collection of other terrible music jokes

Mr. Opporknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He got a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hour...

Paddy in New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still st...

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