What’s it called when a tractor waits for a pedestrian to cross

Crop yield

What do you call it when an Amazon driver swerves out of the way of a pedestrian in Houston?

Prime Texas steer

Why did the pedestrian die after getting hit by a pot smoker?

Too much blunt force.

Today, my friend warned a pedestrian about a pothole

I guess that makes him a trip advisor.

pedestrian: why do you keep asking people for money? are you not ashamed?

beggar: i beg to differ.

What’s the difference between a pedestrian and a speed bump?

You slow down for speed bumps

Why did the pedestrian path finally crack?

It got tired of constantly getting walked all over.

A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden.

Even though it was a mistake, it still ranks as France's biggest military victory.

A drunk driver ran down a drunk pedestrian.

He claims to have driven over the influence of alcohol.

Two Muggers and a Pedestrian

A man was walking home from work at midnight through a dark alley. Two Muggers attack him and demand that he gives up every valuable he got. The guy wouldnt so they start fighting. So after fighting for about 10 minutes, everyone was exhausted, the Pedestrian gives up.
The Mugshots search his po...

NSFW: Drunk driving Jethro hits two black pedestrians. Jethro asks Buford the Sheriff why he's cuffing the two dying black men...

... Buford says, "I'm arresting this one in your windshield for breaking and entering, and the other one laying in the corn field for leaving the scene of an accident"

I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, when a woman asked me, "What's that beep, beep sound?"

I said, "It's so blind people know when to go."

"Oh right." she replied. "Where I'm from, we don't let them drive."

New data: in Manhattan, a pedestrian is hit by a car every ten minutes

... poor guy!

(long) A man was standing before the judge, being questioned over how did he managed

to run over 10 people while driving his truck, so the man answered:

I was driving my truck, hauling a heavy load of rocks, going down this steep street, on one level i came to realize that my brakes have overheated, and unresponsive, down in my way there was 2 groups of pedestrian, on the rig...

Last night I was driving down an old country road when I hit a pedestrian going 50 mph. It seemed to take forever for help to arrive.

That's the last time I use that towing company.

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BBC News: Two pedestrians die in collision

Fuck, how fast must they have been walking?

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"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"

The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."

He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street...

An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment.

He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions.

Finally the man asks: "What´s the star in the middle of your hood for?"
...

if I were Sarah Connor

I would simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures has a pedestrian crossing in it

I heard over the radio there was a maniac on the loose!

I got so scared I almost missed the pedestrians!

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My driving examiner looks fucking astonished.

I can tell he's never seen someone dodge pedestrians this smoothly before.....

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

Why did Angela Merkel cross the road?

Because the pedestrian light indicated it was the appropriate time to do so

A Swedish man was walking through London

A Swedish man was walking through London when he stopped a pedestrian.

"I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but I was wondering if you could answer a question about your language?"

"Why not?" The Englishman responded. "Go ahead."

"You see," the Swedish man said, "I'm a bit confused ab...

What do you think of my wife?

A man was having a conversation with his friend about his wife.

He asks his friend, "What do you think of my wife?"

His friend, knowing the wife very well responds, "I think she's a pedestrian."

The man, confused, asks his friend, "What do you mean?"

He answers, "She belo...

“Hey what’s the word on the street?”

“Uh... pedestrian crossing.”

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A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...

when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally...

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

A 50 year old guy goes to a surgeon to make himself look younger

The surgeon completes the surgery and it is a success.

"How do I look?" the man asks.

"You look 30 years young!" the surgeon replies.

The next day, the man goes to the gas station to fuel up and asks the cashier:

"Excuse me sir, how old do I look?"

The cashier resp...

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Pope Francis came to visit the US…

He was to address the UN in the morning, and give mass at Madison Square Garden later that day. After the UN address, the pope was given a chauffeur driven limo to get to MSG in time for the mass. Leaving the UN, he ran into New York City bumper-to-bumper traffic, and was stuck with the time for m...

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A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

A guy from some middle eastern village moves to Germany.

He gets off the plane and hails a taxi, an old Mercedes Taxi cab pulls up to pick him up and they set off.

Middle eastern guy is really impressed with the car, having never seen a Mercedes before, and he asks about the hood ornament, what is it for?

The taxi driver realizing this guy ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because America's aging infrastructure doesn't adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

An italian mafia man got in to a Mercedes-Benz model taxi

As he was sitting in the back, he asked the driver: "why is that hood ornament sticking out like that in mercs?"
The driver answered jokingly: so it would be easier to aim when driving over pedestrians. See that old lady crossing the road over there?" driver started to acclerate towards her and ...

You know what I miss?

Pedestrians, about 90% of the time.

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the ...

A guy is driving a Mercedes with a blonde girl in a front seat.

She looked around the car, amazed, and then she saw the Mercedes logo, prominent on the front of the car's hood.

- Hey, what's that? - she asked.

- That? - he replied, chuckling - That's an aiming reticle. I use it to be able to hit pedestrians more reliably.

The girl fell silen...

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has its pricks on the outside...

I remembered this joke after a Prick in a BMW was driving today in a strip mall like killing pedestrians is a tax write off.

I guess this prick didn’t want to get stuck in traffic...

Last winter, I made snow angels

I lost control and took out three pedestrians

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Voodoo Dick (Long)

A husband, who has a rather active sex life with his wife, needed to go away on a month long business trip. He was concerned that his wife would need to be satisfied while we was away so we went to an adult toy store to find her a dildo. Not impressed with their selection he asked the guy behind t...

A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to p...

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[long] A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life...

...when questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!"

A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing - "look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that g...

A man in a Mercedes-Benz picks a hitchiker up.

After a while, the hitchiker points at the Mercedes emblem and asks "What is that?"

The driver says "It's an optical sight. Every time I put someone in the crosshairs, I run them over. Here, look at this pedestrian". The driver pointed his car at the pedestrian, but turned away in the last mo...

Two nuns are riding bikes

Two nuns are riding bikes in London. They are having a great time, seeing the sights and talking to pedestrians. Suddenly, the older nun notices how dark it is getting and says "We have to get back to the convent before dark. I know a shortcut." She leads the younger nun on a shortcut through the ol...

A Mercedes picks up a Hungarian hitchhiker...

This being Hungary, the hitchhiker isn't used to seeing Mercedes on the road, and asks what [that thing on the front of the car](http://www.automotive-stock-images.com/photos/hood-ornament-1928-mercedes-benz-680s.jpg) is. The driver, somewhat amused, jokes:

"Why, that's the car's sights. Like...

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A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

My uni just started an acting troupe called the Footbridge

It's like the Footlights, but more pedestrian.

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The Taxi Driver

A taxi driver was driving a passenger across town, and the passenger tapped him on his shoulder and said " where are we going?" The taxi driver swerved and hit a parked car and almost hit a pedestrian. The passenger said " Oh I am so sorry I startled you!" And the taxi driver apologized and said " T...

Who is the most politically neutral person in the world?

A pedestrian crossing the road.
He looks left, right and walks straight.

Sorry

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Phil dies and is met by the Devil in front of three doors.

The Devil takes him to one side. 'Look, Phil,' he says, 'we're trying something out to cut down on admin down here. We used to assign punishments to the damned that fit their sins, but now we're letting people choose themselves.'

He gestures to the three doors. 'What I can do for you is this:...

3 hours in the crucifixion of Jesus one of his disciples, Andrew, is wandering the streets of Jerusalem still trying to fathom what just happened

with no specific end destination Andrew just walks around in a somewhat foggy state of mind. Suddenly he hears a distant and very silent cry:

"Andreeeeew..."

First he thinks it´s his own mind playing tricks with him or maybe somehow just the wind but then he hears it again..:

"A...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

A fine Lamborghini

A guy wanted to buy a Lamborghini. It was his lifelong dream. One day he achieved gathering enough funds to finally fulfill his ambition. He had dubious means of making a living (due to his burning desire to be the proud owner, nay, carer of a Lamborghini), so he went to the dealership (which was no...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

I remember back in the day, kids would call me cool when I rode my bike with no hands.

But as an adult with a drivers license all they say is, "CHAD WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT PEDESTRIAN!"

Two armed guards were standing at a street corner...

They see a man walking casually on the other side of the street. The first guard raises his rifle and shoots the pedestrian, killing him instantly.

The second guard says to the first, "What was that for?"

"He was out past curfew." Replied the first guard.

"What do you mean?" Sa...

An old lady gets into a taxi

An old lady gets into a taxi (they're usually mostly Mercs here in Germany) and asks, what that star is for. The taxi driver jokingly replies

"That's a crosshair. I need it to aim for pedestrians."

A few minutes into the drive, a pedestrian ran onto the street and the taxi driver bar...

A blonde in her Corvette convertible passes a policeman at high speed.

He immediately flips on his lights and gives chase. She careens at a corner and knocks over a mailbox, then jumps the sidewalk sending pedestrians scrambling for safety. She gets back onto the road and approaches a red light with traffic stopped, but swerves into the opposite lane crossing the doubl...

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An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke...

He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before.

He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, "Why the long face...

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Opporknockity, and a short collection of other terrible music jokes

Mr. Opporknockity is a superb piano tuner. He has spent more than 30 years honing his craft and has made quite a reputation for himself.

He got a call from a guy who had just bought a new grand piano and requested Mr. Opporknockity to come and tune it. Mr. Opporknockity spent more than 3 hour...

Paddy in New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still st...

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