Pulling up into an intersection, the sign said no left turns.

All right I guess...

The reason women are responsible for more accidents at intersections....

must be because they don't have as much experience pulling out as men do.

(OC I think? Thought it up when a woman pulled out right in front of me today, and then had a stupid "what did I do wrong" look on her face when I honked at her for it.)

I saw a man at an intersection holding a sign saying “Homeless VET, anything helps.”

So I stopped to ask him how he ended up on the street, he said “I got caught sleeping with my patients. “

How to go through intersection in a tank

1) Approach intersection

2) Check if there is another tank coming

3) Proceed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man drives through an intersection and gets hit by a bus

He wakes up in hell wondering how he got their and what happend. Suddenly a demon appears in front of him and say "Hello and welcome to hell!"

The man says "What happend? How did I get here" the demon explains how he died.

The demon say "I know it may be hell but it's not so bad"
...

Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An eskimo pulls up to an intersection...

with a flat tire. A Welsh guy pulls up next to him and says:

"Hey, I think you've blown a seal!"

To which the eskimo replies:

"So what? You shag sheep."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is waiting to cross a busy intersection

And after waiting a few seconds it seems clear for him to walk.

He starts his way across the intersection.

When he gets to the middle of the intersection he hears the roar of an engine barreling down on him.


So he moves to his left to dodge the car, the car moves to his le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy is selling fish at the local intersection in town...

"Dam fish! Get your dam fish here!", the boy shouts.

A priest walks by, totally confused, so he decides to ask the boy what the problem is.

"Son, why are you calling them 'damn fish"? What did they do to you?"

"I caught these fish at the local dam, so I'm selling them as dam fis...

A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...

He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the to...

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A man is driving around the city when he comes to a junction where a railroad and the street intersect.

Seeing a woman texting on the other side, he decides to get out of his car and stand on the tracks.

There's a rumble and a train is heard in the distance.

"Shouldn't you get off there?" the woman asks, bemused at his stupidity.

The man decides to impress her by ducking out at th...

Old Turkish joke

One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection.

Temel looks around.

On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. A...

In honor of St. Paddy

An Irishman who had a little **too much to drink** Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A **cop pulls him over**.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "**Where have ya been?"**
" Why, I've been **to the pub of course*...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A coffin crashes into the storefront of pharmacy

2 men were loading up a hearse with a coffin on a steep incline, after they loaded the cargo, they both get into the vehicle..As they start to pull away, the back door swings wide open and the coffin crashes to the ground and starts sliding down the incline, across the intersection, into the store f...

I was standing at an intersection...

waiting on traffic to change so I could cross. While I waited a blind man also stopped at the corner with his service dog. While we stood waiting I noticed the dog lift his leg and pee on the man's pants leg. Once the dog was done the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a treat and offer it t...

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue

Theodore Roosevelt and William McKinley were walking down Pennsylvania Avenue. As they passed the intersection with 15th street NW, they came across a man dressed as a massive phallus smoking a cigarette.

Roosevelt, being opposed to the use of tobacco products, stopped the man and said "Son, ...

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

A new driver was flying down the road with his friend in the passenger seat one night

His friend says, "Hey man, slow down! You're going way too fast."

"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive. It's late and the roads are pretty empty."

The young man then blows through a red light without even slowing down. "What the hell?!" his friend says, "This is not cool."...

I'm driving slowly down a quiet street with no one in sight.

I come up to a stop sign and slow down and it's quite obvious that there's no one remotely near the intersection because there's perfect visibility in all direction.

Just when I cross the intersection a motorcycle cop pops out from behind some bushes where he was hiding. Apparently there was...

A man opens a business training seeing-eye-dogs with what he claims to be "the most scientific methods possible."

A curious reporter wants to see these methods in action, so he arranges to observe the final tests of some of these trained assistance dogs along with the business owner.

The first dog enters the testing course with his blind handler and performs spectacularly. First the dog guides his human ...

What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?

Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland.

When they see a sign at an intersection.

"Disneyland left" ←

so they went back home.

A man gets off the plane

in a country he has never been before. He steps out the airport and hails a cab.

Once he's in and tells the address, the cabbie starts driving like a lunatic. The man starts grabbing his seat while the cabbie does dangerous movements.

When they come across a red light, and the cabbie d...

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll ge...

Alahu Akbar

A man, who was on his way to work, was at a stop light when a car full of Muslims pulled up next to him. They started shouting at him saying "Alahu Akbar" and "Death to America". The man is a bit freaked out. When the light turned green the man waited so as to put some distance between himself and t...

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Cab Driver’s Brother

A cab driver in Los Angeles was picking up a passenger from the airport.

Cab Driver: Where to?
Passenger: Universal Studios. Step on it.

The cab driver speeds past the other cars. He’s weaving through the traffic going well above the speed limit. The passenger is a little concerne...

So a Police Officer in Arkansas is Investigating a Crime Scene

**Disclaimer: This is not my joke, it is one my friend told and I got their permission to share it here.

As he's investigating the scene in the outskirts of town, he notices a Toyota in a ditch. He notes this down and writes on his pad.

**October 16, 1:30 PM. There is a Toyota Corolla ...

Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailga...

Last night

I was driving home from work when a BMW pulled up next to me at a stoplight. The driver, a dark skinned man with a thick bushy beard, started screaming and flipping me off. He yelled something like "I love snack bars." I couldn't quite understand him over his passengers yelling "death to America" a...

I was walking down 5th avenue...

When I saw a dog approaching an intersection.

"Love!!" Someone shouted behind me, I turned to look and saw a man sprinting towards the dog. A car was just meters away from hitting the dog, and the dog stood there like a deer caught in the headlights. Milliseconds before impact, the man grabbe...

Guardian Angel

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.


A day or two after that, he was driving to work. In the midst...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of Mexican cartel gang members pulled up next to me in their low-rider. Six sets of eyeballs set in faces covered with tattoos stared menacingly at me and there commenced some spirited discussion between the members and I seemed to be the subject of it. I was getting nervous and had just c...

A man drives through a stop sign..

A cop pulls him over and asks for his information.

"Sir, you just drove through that intersection without stopping."

"Aww come on, it's not a big deal..I slowed down!"

The officer steps back, looking down at his feet, all of a sudden he pulls out his night stick and starts beati...

The Red Man

There was once a man who absolutely loved the colour red. Everything he owned was red. His house, his walls, his shoes, his fridge, everything.

Because of this obsession, he was a huge fan of sunbaking - not the tanning kind, the burning kind. He did love the colour red.

Not only this...

The onion family

(A colleague just told me this yesterday, and I remembered Christopher Hitchens telling his version on a CSPAN stand-up several years ago during an election so I searched and it's [here](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9ITT3NOLJk) if anyone is interested.)

A mother, father and daughter onion ...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *...

An old man died...

When he was in the line at the pearly gates, God asked him "Have you ever cheated on your wife?". The man said "Of course not! Never ever in my life". So he entered and they gave him a Cadillac to drive around in. The next man in line walked up to the pearly gates and God asked, "Have you ever cheat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wholesome Sunday joke

A young altar boy is running late for service. To save time, he puts on his robes before getting on his bike and pedaling like mad for the church. In his rush, he doesn't look both ways at an intersection and is struck by oncoming traffic.

The altar boy is thrown from his bike and into a ditc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

close to Dave's joke with a Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a professional driver with a nice Bmw M5. Usually it's a limousine but lately pope enjoys more like sports cars. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know brother, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you mind?'' 
T...

20 Tons of Canaries

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had...

A driver does a rolling stop at a STOP sign

A police officer happens to be there and pulls the driver over.

The officer goes up to the car and asks the driver if he knows why he has been pulled over.

The driver responds "No" with confusion.

The officer states that the driver stop at the intersection.

"But I slowe...

Grandpa told me this one last night at dinner

A lawyer is driving down the quiet country road and is approaching a stop sign. The road is completely devoid of people or other drivers, so the lawyer just slows down a bit to be safe, but otherwise drives through the intersection.

Suddenly a siren goes off and seemingly out of nowhere a po...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A policeman pulls over a woman for failing to stop at a stop sign.

The woman protests "but I slowed down".

The officer says "it's a stop sign. You are supposed to come to a complete stop".

The woman replies, "but I slowed down, that's the same thing".

The officer then says, "no it's not! You rolled right through the intersection! You didn't ...

Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe yo...

The GOP gets kidnapped

The kidnappers demand the ransom of 500M USD or they will douse them in gas and light them on fire.

So there were people in the streets collecting donations, and they asked me at an intersection

"You must have heard the news recently. Could you spare a little to help us out in this in...

Priest and a rabbi in a car accident

A priest and a rabbi have a fender-bender in the middle of an intersection. They get out to survey the damage, and the rabbi turns to the priest and says, "You know, this is a pretty trivial event, all things considered. I've got some Manischewitz in the car -- how about you and I drink to the frien...

3 Soldiers are training for the army

3 Soldier are training for the army when their Commander ask each one of them the same question :

Commander : "If you are being pursued by an helicopter and you are in the drivers seat of a Jeep, what do you do to escape the emminent attack ?"

The first soldier answers :
"Welp, I th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where ?

A rather large man walked up to a cop near a busy intersection. He tapped the cop on the shoulder asked " Excuth me , can you tell me how to get to thirthy thirt theet ? "
The cop ignored him so he asked again " Excuth me , can you tell me how to get to thirthy thirt theet ! "
The cop still i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An English man visits America, hoping to hear a joke...

He spends a week in New York, going to comedy shows, asking people on the street, spending hours and hours in bars waiting for someone interesting to walk in, but never manages to hear one he's never heard before.

He gets a cab to go to the airport and the cabbie asks him, "Why the long face...

Every Day in Florida

Two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Marge, were driving to a church gathering. Phyllis was behind the wheel while Marge rode shotgun, knitting. Out of the corner of her eye, Marge thought she saw a stop sign flash by and asked herself if perhaps Phyllis had blown past it, so she paid attention as they a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The willing farmer girl

On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Jimmy, a young handsome farmer boy in his twenties, goes to the village a few minutes walking from the farm to get a bunch of supplies. He goes to the hardware shop, the DIY and the pet shop, and ends up with a bucket, a big can of red paint, a dozen of eggs, two chick...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three old men die and go to heaven...

...and St. Peter explains to them that the lives they lived on earth will determine what kind of car they drive for eternity.

He looks to the first man and says "You were a top-notch citizen your entire life. You paid your taxes, showed up for work every day, never cheated on your wife and we...

A man is driving down the road...

When he comes to a stop sign. But he doesn't see anyone around, so he just slows down. However, a police officer was watching the intersection and pulls the man over. The cop says "Sir, why didn't you stop at the stop sign?"
The man says "Well there was no one around so I just slowed down."
To...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vehicles in Heaven

Three men go up to heaven at the same time. As they approach the Pearly Gates they have are greeted by a man at a podium in front of the gates. "Greetings" says the man "Before you go into heaven, you will be assigned a vehicle". The men think this is strange but they agree, "The quality of the vehi...

How does a blond cross the road?

A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store.

The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?"

The...

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.

(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)

Paddy in New York

Paddy was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy intersection. The cop stopped the flow of all traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' When everyone had safely crossed the street, he would allow traffic to resume.

The officer had done this several times, and Paddy still st...

Traffic lights

I was driving with a friend the other day and we were approaching a red light. To my horror he begins to speed up and blows right through it. I ask him, "What the hell was that all about?!"


"It's a trick my brother taught me. He said to always go through red lights, everyone else will ...