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Traffic Light Jokes

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Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

I think traffic lights might have a crush on me.

They always turn red when I’m around

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

what did the traffic light say to the traffic light?

Don't look, I'm changing.

What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light?

Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

While driving to work this morning I rear-ended a car at a traffic light.

When the driver got out... I noticed that he was a dwarf.

He steamed up to my car and said, 'I'm not happy...'.

So I said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

Traffic lights

I was driving with a friend the other day and we were approaching a red light. To my horror he begins to speed up and blows right through it. I ask him, "What the hell was that all about?!"


"It's a trick my brother taught me. He said to always go through red lights, everyone else will ...

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A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

Why do traffic lights turn red?

You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of the...

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Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights

He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car.

Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in ...

I was stopped at a traffic light, and among the pedestrians crossing was my ex.

And I thought, "I'd hit that."

Two blonde girls at a traffic light

They stop at red:

-Look at that red color!

-Wow, it's beautiful.

-And the yellow!

-Such brightness!

-And the green!

-Much nature!

-Oh, it's red again, we saw it already. Let's go.

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

Bananas Are Like Traffic Lights...

Except the colors mean different things. You see... with a traffic light green means go, Yellow means be cautious slow down & red means stop. On a banana, green means hold up be cautious. Yellow means go ahead it’s okay! & red means where the hell did you get that banana.

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me. After a few intimidating revving sounds, I started to creep forward.

"You ought to see a doctor," said the other pedestrian.

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I stopped at the traffic lights and looked at the guy next to me.

It was on, I could see the fury in his eyes. I waited for the lights to change.

"Let's race," I mouthed to him.

Then the guy said, "stop fucking around and press the button."

A man is sitting in his sports car at the traffic lights when a little girl on a bike asks him if he wants to race

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees something gaining on him in his mirror, *fast.* He just barely catches a glimpse of the little girl on her bike a...

Traffic lights teach us that if you see a green man, you should start crossing the road.

So that's how I avoid environmentalists.

In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

"Dad, why are they taking down the traffic lights so aggressively?"

"I don't know, son, but they sure are pulling out all the stops."

A guy isn't paying attention and rear ends someone at the traffic lights...

...He gets out of his car to inspect the damage and a dwarf gets out of the other car. He says "I'm not happy, you know"!

The guy says "No? Well which one are you then"?

In the city, a guy was caught taking out all the red bulbs in traffic lights after months of going unseen

He wasn't sure what led to his capture, since he was pulling out all the stops to not get caught.

A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.

The man said, “See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.”

The son replied, “But Dad, there is only one car.”

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

I hit every traffic light coming home from work today.

I should probably learn how to drive better.

My six-year old cousin wanted to know how traffic lights worked...

So she asked her dad, "Daddy, what does the yellow light mean?"

"Slow down," my uncle replied.

"Okay. Whaaat doooes the yelllowwww liiiight meeeaaaannn?"

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

A tourist went to Egypt and took a taxi to the hotel ..

While in the way, they encountered a red light at cross road junction, which the driver didn't stop for. The tourist said " Why didn't you stop?", To which the driver answered " Relax, I'm a professional and i know what i'm doing". The same thing happened again, the tourist asked the same question a...

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Three guys go to heaven

St Peter at the gate greets them and says ‘Alright. We’ve just built some new roads up here and we need to get you each a car. Depending on how faithful you were to your wives will determine the quality of the car. Sound good?’
1st Guy: ‘I was happily married thirty years with my wife and never c...

what makes us really humans?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?

The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

A man is driving across town with his dog.

He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.

The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?"

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single l...

I can drive this Tesla more stylishly and smartly than any of you.

But I still don’t understand how you can tell a crosswalk apart from a traffic light or fire hydrant so easily?

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

Three men die and go to heaven…

St Peter to 1st man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

1st man: Certainly not! I loved my wife and was never unfaithful!”

St Peter to 1st man: Excellent, you get a Cadillac to drive around for all of eternity.

St Peter to 2nd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

2...

A man traveling on business lands in Dublin.

He hails a cab and is on his way. As the cab is approaching a red traffic light it isn’t slowing down. The cabbie runs the red light, and the man says

“You know you just ran a red light”?

The cabbie replies “I don’t believe in red lights and neither do any of my 10 taxi driving brothe...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar...

So a green piece of road walks into the bar... It goes up to the bar and orders a drink, then takes it to a table where two traffic lights are playing a game of cards. The traffic lights take one look at the road and run out! Later the bartender finds them cowering behind the bins outside:

"W...

An engineer dies and goes to Hell

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The traffic lights are all broken and traffic is grid locked so he goes and fixes them. People are now able to move throu...

When was the first car horn used?

Exactly 0.001 seconds after the first traffic light turned green.

Observation

The orthopedic surgeon Betty worked for was moving to a new office, and the staff was helping transport many of the items. Betty sat the display skeleton in the front of her car, his bony arm across the back of her seat. She hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares o...

A blonde girl, Debby, drives behind a truck in her car

She notices that the truck is losing its load, so when both the truck and her car come to a stop at a traffic light, Debby steps out and goes to tell the driver that he is losing his load. She stands next to the drivers door, and says: "Hello Sir, my name is Debby and you're losing your load." But t...

Officer couldn't believe his eyes.

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar drive...

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I have this sticker on my car

"Use your horn if you think i am sexy"
Sometimes i stop the car when the traffic light is green until I am happy enough.

I paid a visit to an old friend who bought a farm on the edge of town.

He was very busy on the farm but said he had to run to town to pick up supplies and I should come along and we could catch up. The town was small enough that it had only one traffic light that we were approaching as the light was red. But my buddy just sped right through at about 50 mph without eve...

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

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This guy walks into a Mercedes agency and asks for the top executive model.

Money is not an issue, but the car has to have everything installed. And he means EVERYTHING he is not joking. The company goes and install usb sockets for each passenger, a blue tooth operated coffee machine (with proper grinder, not that bullshit with capsules), a GPS tracking got each wheel and t...

Scooter

a man in a ferrari stops at a red light next to old guy on a scooter. he rolls down the window and says "this car can do 0.to.100 mph in less than the time your scooter starts to move..."

The old man nods in agreement and asks to peek in. The man let's him look in ... the old man is visibly i...

Sister Marry was truly a religious woman...

Besides for her duties as a nun, she was also very active in various hospitals visiting sick patients and taking care of all their needs.

So it was no surprise that one day when she ran out of gas, the only container she could find to put the gas into was a bedpan.

Sister Marry happily...

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