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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

I was driving down the highway today and saw a woman in the lane next to me reading a novel while driving

I was so angry that I stopped texting and flipped her off

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

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The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven

Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Stonehaven recently,

Initially there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying c...

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Dave’s driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.

He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.



When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.

Banta scans the place a couple...

Highway 25

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies, The driver, an older gentleman, for only going 25 mph on the highway.

Officer: "Why are you driving so slowly?"

Gentleman: "Well the sign says 25, sir. I don't understand."

Officer: \*sigh\* "No, sir, that's the number of ...

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the g...

A highway cop stops a car that is going too slow

He gets out and goes up to the car, and finds it full of old ladies. He addresses the driver:



"Maam, you were going 20 miles an hour on a 70 mile an hour highway. Going that slow is too dangerous"



"But officer, I was just following the speed limit", she says, pointing t...

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Billy and his mom are in their car on a highway...

... when, suddenly, a big pink dildo hits the windshield:
“What was that?!” Asks little Billy
“That... hum... that... that was just an insect Billy!”
... 5 minutes pass...
“Well... it sure had a big dick, mom.”

An old man was traveling on his donkey's back on a highway

Two cops having seen that decide to mess with him, so they approach the man and say

-Hey, why didn't you fasten your seat belt?

-Well I ain't gonna do that!

-Then we have to fine you.

-Yeah just make it quick I'm in a hurry

-So do you want us to fine you or the don...

A drunk was walking down the highway

He staggered all over the road and was close to being hit by traffic many times. The local preacher came along and felt pity for the drunk so he stopped the car and offered to drive him home.

The drunk got into the preacher's car and they drove to the drunken man's driveway.

"Can you ...

7 thousand gallons of gin have spilled on the highway.

Now every lane is the sloe lane.

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This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.

He comes out of ...

A truck carrying cheese crashed on the highway this morning...

De brie was everywhere.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Highway 66

Along Highway 66 there drove an old man in a busted up car, after driving for 2 hrs, his car broke down so he pulled over. After looking at the car he decided to flag down another car for a tow to the nearest town.

After waiting for several hours along came a man driving a ferrari, who saw th...

Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!

Man 2: flock?

Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?

Man 2: its herd

Man 1: herd?

Man 2: yeah, herd of cows

Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”

“No I do not,” she replied sweetly. ...

Why did the car die on the highway?

It went into Cadillac arrest

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

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Johnny was driving along the highway.

Johnny was driving along the highway. Midway through his journey, nature called out to him. Cursing his fate, he looked around for a place to relieve himself. Just then, he spotted a small road side motel. He quickly entered to finish his business. To Johnny's dismay, all the the restrooms in the es...

I saw a sign on the highway that said: "End Roadwork."

But I don't know about that. Seems as if a lot of people would lose their jobs.

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Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a busy highway...

A lawyer is driving his brand new BMW on a highway when he hears an odd noise coming from the engine. He pulls over to the narrow emergency lane, and as he opens the door, a negligent semi smashes the car door off.

When the state police showed up to the scene, he's furiously complaining about...

A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.

"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."

"And do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."

"Can I see your license, sir?"

"I don't have one."

"Well, wel...

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

A man was driving down highway 407 when a radio announcer said: “be warned of a car driving the wrong way along the highway”

The man, peeking out the window, scoffs to himself as he thinks “just one? All these idiots are going the wrong way!”

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran o...

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

The police pulled up right next to me and my Yamaha on the shoulder of the highway today…

Apparently, it’s not the best place to play a keyboard…

I got pulled over today by a State Highway Patrolman..

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I dont, I was trying to keep up with traffic."

*State Boy looks left and right*

"Son, there is no traffic around us."

"See, that's how far behind I am!"

Five Redditors are walking in a forest...

Five redditors are walking in a forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like ...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,

A state trooper sees a car puttering along at twenty-two miles per hour. He thinks to himself “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car he notices there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—wi...

Another blonde joke: So this blonde (let's call her Staci) is driving along the highway...

She sees a blonde woman in the middle of freshly ploughed farmer's field, sitting in a row boat, rowing like crazy.

Staci is livid! She pulls over and races over to the fence to give the woman an earfull.

"You stupid, moronic cow! Can't you see you're perpetuating a baseless stereotype...

A man is driving on the highway when he gets a call from his wife

"Hello?"



"Hello. I was just watching the TV and there's a news report that says there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway. Be careful, honey."



"Well, that's nothing. There are hundreds of cars driving the wrong way."

A police officer is patrolling a 60mph highway when he sees a car driving 20mph.

He pulls the car over and walks up to the window to find a car with 4 old ladies.

The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The lady in the driver's seat says "What's the matter officer? I was going exactly 25 miles an hour."

"Well it's a 60 mile an hour highway...

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A mother and her 5 year old daughter were driving down a highway one day when suddenly a giant dildo hits their windshield...

Daughter - Mommy, what was that?

Mom - (obviously didn’t want her daughter to know what it was) It was just a bug honey. Don’t worry about it.

*a few seconds of silence*

Daughter - Well that bug had a big dick.

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new ca...

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A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.

“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”

“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.

Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.

He notices that the woman’...

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

There was a highway cop

... and he was sitting in his patrol car on the side of a highway, with his speed gun, doing the same thing he does every day: watching the law abiding citizens drive past obeying the speed limit.

A yellow car goes past.

A red car.

A white van.

A green car.

A black...

A traffic cop pulled over a driver in who had been weaving erratically along the highway

Approaching the car, he said: ‘Sir, i need you to blow into a breathalyser.’
‘Sorry officer,’ he replied. ‘I can’t do that. I’m an asthmatic. If i do that, I’ll have a rally bad asthma attack.’
‘Well, then i need you to come to the station to give me a blood sample.’
‘I can’t do ...

What do you get if you cross a four-lane highway and a narrow footpath?

Closer to wherever you were going.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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A trucker stops at a random bar along the highway for a drink...

When he walks in, he immediately sees a large jug of tequila sitting in the corner, untouched by all of the other patrons. He says to the bartender



"Hey, what's with the jug over there?"

The bartender replies, "You haven't heard about the house challenge?"

"No, I haven't...

A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become o...

When I was driving my date home and she said “Turn here, onto the Pacific Coast Highway ...”

I knew I’d found The 1.

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

My car starting smoking on the highway today.

I decided to buy it nicotine patches to help it quit

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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

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Florida highway maintenance crew

working on a road. All of a sudden, a worker grabs a shovel and beats the hell out of a turtle alongside the road.

"What the hell did you do that for?" cried one worker.

"Than son-of-a-bitch has been following us all day!"

Why don’t people like semi trucks on the highway?

They’re anti-semitic.

An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.

He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.

The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard eve...

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I saw a billboard on the highway recently

It featured a graphic picture of blood and semen, with the words "is this in your future?"

I thought "well that's a sign of things to cum".

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A man decided he was going to ride his bike on the highway.

He made it before the mountains just became too much and he couldn't bike and further. For three hours, he stuck his thumb out and no one stopped.
Eventually, a dude in a Corvette pulled over and offered to give him a ride. However, the bike couldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette fo...

An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!”

“It’s worse than that,” said the man, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"

The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, "That's not the...

A child asks his father were he was born

The father replies: "the highway"

The son asks why and the the father replies: "that's where all the accidents occur."

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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

A Man Is Driving Down a Highway, When He Sees a Priest Hitchhiking

So, being a good catholic, he picks him up. They drive a bit further down the highway, when the man then spots a well-known lawyer hitchhiking as well. Remembering that this man represented his ex wife during their divorce, an impulse of anger causes him to aim his car right at the lawyer. He then r...

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A beautiful blonde is driving down the highway

When she sees another blonde in a field trying to row a canoe across the grass. The first blonde, infuriated, gets out of her car and starts shouting, “people like you are why everyone thinks blondes are dumb!! I swear to god if I could swim I’d go out there and kick your ass”

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

So we have Stairway to Heaven and Highway to Hell...

...and yet no Carpool to Purgatory

A married couple are driving down a highway

They are driving at 55 miles per hour when the wife looks to her husband, who is driving, and says she wants a divorce. The husband says nothing, but speeds up to 60 mph.

Surprised at how well he is taking it, she decides to tell him that she has been having an affair with his best friend, a...

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a j...

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

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The Stretcher

A man is blazing down a highway in a brand new Ferrari when after crossing a bridge he notices a cop behind him. He pulls over and the cop is about to write a hefty ticket until he approaches the car:

Cop - Dispatch, we have a grand theft auto. Please send backup

Driver - HEY OFFICER! ...

Two Ford Fusions collided head-on on the highway.

The good news is that the reaction released enough energy to light up New York City for 3 hours.

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A blonde woman is driving down the highway

She notices another blonde woman in a rowboat sitting in some tall grass.

She pulls over and walks up to the edge of the grass and says

“ Look at you, people like you are the reason people make fun of blondes...if I could swim, I’d come out there and kick your ass! “

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

A penguin is driving through the desert...

He's cruising down a long stretch of highway when all of a sudden his car starts billowing smoke out from under the hood. The car starts sputtering, and being so far from home and in such heat, he starts to worry about his own safety. Luckily, as his car starts to come to a halt, he notices a gas st...

A pothead gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop asks "do i smell weed?" And the pothead answers "yeah dude, we're on the highway"

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.

Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”

Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”

Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”

Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”

“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yester...

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A man is waiting for the bus.

A woman passes him in her car, splashing mud all over him before driving away, laughing.



The next day, the woman's car is broken down on the highway. The man passes her and rolls down his window.

"I'm definitely posting this on Reddit"

"What? Why would you do that?"
<...

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A bugs life

A mother and son were driving her n the highway. As they were driving a dildo hit the windshield of the car. Her son asked her, “what was that mommy?”

Not wanting to explain what a dildo was to her son replied, “It was just a bug, honey.”

The boy replied, “What kind of bug was it?”
...

A man is riding on a bus.

Highway patrol pulls the bus over and orders him to get down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

Cops and Speeders

TW: blonde joke

A blonde was driving on the highway and a motorcycle officer pulled her over for speeding.

The officer approached the drivers door and when her helmet came off, turns it was a blonde female cop. She asked the driver for her license. The driver frantically searched ...

An Italian cuisine delivery guy crashed on a highway while delivering food...

He pasta way.

Sisters of Mercy

A guy is driving down the highway late at night, when he sees a sign that said, "Sisters of mercy: House of prostitution" 3 miles. Thinking he must be tired and seeing things, he gives it no more thought.

Further down the road he sees another sign that said, "Sisters of Mercy: House of Prost...

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A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance

The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.

"What's the matter sir?"

"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last ...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

Good ole Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, ...

The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, “Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I ...

Who’s going the wrong way?

A man is listening to the radio in his car when the broadcast is interrupted: “Attention! Attention! A driver is heading down the highway in the wrong direction”

The man scans the road, clogged with oncoming traffic, and nutters to himself, “What do you mean *a* driver? I see hundreds of the...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

The Pope is visiting the U.S.

As expected, he gets a private chaffeur and a limousine.
He has always wanted to drive one, but is never allowed to. He decides to ask the driver.

The driver thinks about it for a minute, bad decides he can't say no to the Pope. And besides what could go wrong?

The Pope gets in t...

It's Judgment Day and three married men are sent to heaven

Three friends are standing in line waiting to be judged: Jim, Billy and Kevin.



Forward comes Jim and God tells him: "Jim, you've been loyal to your wife and never cheated". God gives Jim a brand new sports car and tells him to drive to heaven and off goes Jim.



Next com...

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You have to be a real piece of shit to throw your garbage out your car window.

I spent the whole day picking up trash along the highway as part of my community service for beating up my girlfriend & it’s really made me develop a hatred for scumbags who litter.

An electron is driving really fast...

...when a cop pulls it over.

"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" Asks the cop.

"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"

"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"
<...

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Guy gets pulled over by a policeman on a motorcycle...

Cop comes up and says "You know why I pulled you over?"

Guy says "yes, I was going way over the limit but I am running super late for work"

Cop says "and what could be so imperative that makes you rush to work. What type of work do you do?"

Guy responds "I'm a rectum stretcher!...

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, ...

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A Filipino taxi driver fetched a Japanese tourist visiting the Philippines at the airport.

As the taxi they rode in motored along the highway, a Suzuki cargo truck sped way past them.

JAPANESE TOURIST: (Proudly beaming) Ah! A Suzuki truck made in my country Japan...**very fast!**
FILIPINO TAXI DRIVER: (Thinking to himself, feeling slightly annoyed) Damn, so it is true the Japa...

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