UPJOKE

Touch Me Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

A blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy in the train...

Four people are sitting in the passenger car of a train. A hot blonde, a nun, a brit and a french guy. The train goes into a tunnel, there's total darkness for a brief moment, and all you can hear is a loud slap. As the train is leaving the tunnel, sunlight lights the scene up, and a confused french...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

First Night in Prison

I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married

Blonde, Nun, Russian and Pole in Train

Suddenly they enter the tunnel. It is getting dark. A loud sound is heard in the darkness. At the exit, a Russian man can be seen holding his cheek. The nun thinks - the pervert touched the blonde and got slapped. The blonde thinks - the pervert was supposed to touch me, but he made a mistake, touch...

I wish I could be your cactus...

So I could stick something in you every time you touch me.

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