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Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

What country has the highest population of fish?

Finland

What is the highest level truck driver?

A Roads Scholar

Which Olympic sport does Russia score highest in?

The javelin catch.

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother..

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Bet

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

Showerthoughts sub has a new sub for its highest awarded posts but it’s NSFW

r/Goldenshowerthoughts

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Hospital statistics

A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it’s open heart surgery.
In Australia it’s liver transplants.
And in Russia it’s opening a window…

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Colonel

Which kind of corn holds the highest position in the catholic church?

Popecorn

What do you call Snoop Dogg on Mount Everest?

The highest place on Earth.

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In geography class the teacher asked little Johnny what the highest point of Japan was

Little Johnny said, “I don’t know that but I can tell you the lowest point!”

The teacher says, “ok, what is it?”

Little Johnny then said, “it’s in Nagasaki!”

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The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

The asteroid event that ended dinosaurs

was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone

I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?

Penne Lane

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

One day, a man was relaxing in his house and heard a noise.

It was coming from his neighbor's house so he went over, knocked on the door and when his neighbor came to the door he said "What's all that noise? It sounds like a chainsaw is cutting a plate!" And his neighbor said "Well I can't tell you. You aren't a Jedi."
"How do I become a Jedi?" asked the ...

What’s the highest form of flattery?

A plateau.

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

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What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita?

Virginia

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

Who Has The Highest Rank in the Linux Military?

The kernel.

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

You know that you’re at the highest point in your life...

...when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

There are three kittens on a roof (science/nerd joke)

There are three kittens on a roof in a rain storm. Which is the last to slide off?

The one with the highest mu.

............................................................


(mu (can't create the symbol) is the coefficient of friction. But I bet you knew that already)

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What's the highest form of bravery?

A mouse walking through the house with a boner shouting "Here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty!"

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe...

There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

Every Friday is bad joke Friday on the conference roll call at the IT company I work for. Began writing jokes related to the industry.

Found and modified joke: ***first friend says to second friend “have you heard about that contest at the local shooting range where you have to get the highest target score while standing on a tight rope that is moving up and down. Only network engineers are allowed to enter.“ The second friend asks...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

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Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

A New Machine

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge.

Later that day he went home to pick up a fe...

Why does North Korea have the highest literacy rate?

Because Kim Jong-un is supreme reader!

Putin and the Journalist

With the Russian Elections coming up, a reporter asks Russian President Vladimir Putin a question at a press conference.

"With Hillary Clinton almost becoming president, and Kamala Harris being elected the Vice President in the United States, do you think that a Russian woman could ever rise ...

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.

When the stone was laid across the top, it read:

"At last, she sleeps alone."

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

My friend climbed the fourth highest mountain in the world. The next week, he climbed the third highest mountain, and the week after that he climbed the second highest one.

Gosh, will this guy Everest?

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the highest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

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Alabama has the highest approval rating for Trump in the country.

They also have a law banning the sale of vibrators.


Apparently they can only support one dildo at a time.

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

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Out for a hike one day...

A man climbed to the highest point in his town for some sightseeing.

As he appreciated the view through his binoculars, he looked down and gazed upon the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen sunbathing nude in the valley.

A park ranger appeared and immediately placed him under arrest....

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

Two blondes were standing on the rooftop of the highest building

First one looked down and asked:
"Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?"

Second one then also looked down and said:
"Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least 5 days!"

"Really? Ok here's another one" she co...

What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?

The Romans.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

I just realized why China has some of the highest IQs

Due to re-education

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What is the highest level of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other.

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

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A school boy was in the toilets with his best mate seeing who could piss the highest up the wall when the teacher walked in...

She hit the roof!

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What is the highest honour for a geologist

To become a knight of the tectonic order.

What is the highest grade a Canadian can get?

Eh

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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

Did you know Auschwitz has the highest hotel rating?

1.1 million stars

Did you know that Alabama has the highest average GPA in the USA?

It's got 4 A's and a B.

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Why do australian prisons have the highest percentage of homosexuals ?

They're all inmates.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.

Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.

There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Ev...

What's the highest paying profession in the world?

Circumcision. You don't get paid much hourly. But you get a lot of tips!

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Adolf Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of heaven …

Jesus opens the gate and asks what he wants.

“ can I get into heaven ?”asks Hitler.

Jesus looks at him in disbelief “ your joking? You’re Adolf Hitler one of the most hated men in history, responsible for the death and suffering of millions.. I don’t think so!”

Hitler says “ I t...

What's the highest number in the world?

420

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

How was president Xi elected?

He was highest in the Peking order.

Did you know that Germany has one of the highest renewable energy use ratings in the world?

They most certainly use less gas now.

Today I was fired from my job…

I was on a business trip with the young attractive CFO of my company. We checked in at the hotel around the same time and took the elevator up together. After noticing that she was heading to the highest floor, reserved exclusively for their most frequent guests who have stayed with them for over a ...

Two blondes are running for the highest office in the land

Oh right, don't put the joke in the title. Sorry.

Gesundheit

What are you called when you reach the highest power level sneeze ever?

You're a Peak-Achoo.



I'll see myself out...

A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder...

It was poultry in auction

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me.

What do you call Afghan triplets?

Twins!

I am so sorry....

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

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