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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Colonel

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother..

Which kind of corn holds the highest position in the catholic church?

Popecorn

I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

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In geography class the teacher asked little Johnny what the highest point of Japan was

Little Johnny said, “I don’t know that but I can tell you the lowest point!”

The teacher says, “ok, what is it?”

Little Johnny then said, “it’s in Nagasaki!”

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Adolf Hitler dies and arrives at the gates of heaven …

Jesus opens the gate and asks what he wants.

“ can I get into heaven ?”asks Hitler.

Jesus looks at him in disbelief “ your joking? You’re Adolf Hitler one of the most hated men in history, responsible for the death and suffering of millions.. I don’t think so!”

Hitler says “ I t...

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

What's the country with the highest incidence of mid-leg infection in the entire world?

Germany

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?

Penne Lane

Gesundheit

What are you called when you reach the highest power level sneeze ever?

You're a Peak-Achoo.



I'll see myself out...

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What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita?

Virginia

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

I hear that r/Jokes has the highest childbirth rate

Because people keep making jokes in the comment section

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A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

What’s the highest form of flattery?

A plateau.

Who Has The Highest Rank in the Linux Military?

The kernel.

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Urination Contest and the Nun

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of 'Our Lady of Perpetual Motion' parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!" The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"...

You know that you’re at the highest point in your life...

...when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

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Bravery

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

What is the highest potion in government?

Ombudsman

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

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Puns are the number one highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number two.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the highest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

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Alabama has the highest approval rating for Trump in the country.

They also have a law banning the sale of vibrators.


Apparently they can only support one dildo at a time.

My friend climbed the fourth highest mountain in the world. The next week, he climbed the third highest mountain, and the week after that he climbed the second highest one.

Gosh, will this guy Everest?

A man gets a job interview as an IT guy.

Why did you choose this company? It's the one with the highest pay.

Where do you see yourself on five years? Living in my own house with my wife and kids.

The interview goes on for a bit more...

One last question. Why should we hire you over everyone else?

I invited mysel...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe...

There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

Two blondes were standing on the rooftop of the highest building

First one looked down and asked:
"Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?"

Second one then also looked down and said:
"Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least 5 days!"

"Really? Ok here's another one" she co...

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Which city has the highest concentration of superheros?

Capetown.

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

Why does North Korea have the highest literacy rate?

Because Kim Jong-un is supreme reader!

What is the highest level of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other.

What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?

The Romans.

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

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A school boy was in the toilets with his best mate seeing who could piss the highest up the wall when the teacher walked in...

She hit the roof!

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

What do your Souls and Kidneys have in Common?

If you are strapped for cash, You always have the option of selling them to the highest bidder.

What is the highest honour for a geologist

To become a knight of the tectonic order.

What is the highest grade a Canadian can get?

Eh

An East Indian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, has swam with sharks, has wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was...

Bindair Dundat

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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do australian prisons have the highest percentage of homosexuals ?

They're all inmates.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

A frog goes into a bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mic...

Did you know that Alabama has the highest average GPA in the USA?

It's got 4 A's and a B.

Did you know Auschwitz has the highest hotel rating?

1.1 million stars

Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?

Because that's the highest rating it could get

What's the highest paying profession in the world?

Circumcision. You don't get paid much hourly. But you get a lot of tips!

Since most of us are stuck / bored in quarantine here are my top ways you can get high at home.

1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt.
2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high.
3. A Barstool - this one is a but more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

Canadians and British are very upset about yesterday's events.

They are no longer the only ones that rushed the Capitol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Did you know that Germany has one of the highest renewable energy use ratings in the world?

They most certainly use less gas now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my classmate told me: "I have a problem with degenerate homos". I was outraged by his bigoted words..

..until I realised he was talking about our physics homework!

(Glossary: Degenerate - Having the same energy level. HOMO - Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital)

[First Date] Me: I quit drugs and then took up mountain climbing.

Her: That’s great. What’s the highest you’ve been?

Me: I once had a 20 minute conversation with a microwave.

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

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A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the d...

Two blondes are running for the highest office in the land

Oh right, don't put the joke in the title. Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are having some trouble in the bedroom.

No matter what they try, the wife does not climax. They tried everything, from Lady on Top to Inverse Wheelbarrow, but the wife never reaches orgasm.

Eventually they decided that they needed some outside assistance, so they went to a doctor for some advice.

After they explained their...

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder...

It was poultry in auction

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

Blonde Construction Worker

Every day, three construction workers, one Mexican, one Italian, and one blonde, climb up to the highest steel girder in the building that they are all working on and eat their lunch.

One day, the Mexican worker opens up his lunchbox and sees that yet again his wife has packed him bean burrit...

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

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