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Highest Jokes

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?

How I bought your mother

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Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?

Because they prefer their flesh light.

New Jersey ranks highest in depression and marital infidelity

It's a sad state of affairs

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

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Puns are the number one, highest form of comedy.

But poop jokes are a solid number 2.

[fake] edit: It's your duty to post your best worst puns now.

I just finished "Podiatrist Simulator" on the highest difficulty level...

And let me tell you
That was no easy feat.

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

What is the highest tavern in Estonia?

Tall Inn

What country has the highest population of fish?

Finland

What is the highest level truck driver?

A Roads Scholar

Which Olympic sport does Russia score highest in?

The javelin catch.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

What’s the highest rank in the popcorn army?

Colonel

What is the highest form of flattery?

A plateau

Why does North Korea have the highest literacy rate?

Because Kim Jong-un is supreme reader!

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?

Penne Lane

My friend climbed the fourth highest mountain in the world. The next week, he climbed the third highest mountain, and the week after that he climbed the second highest one.

Gosh, will this guy Everest?

What animal meat has the highest concentration of salt?

High in NA

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What's the highest form of bravery?

A mouse walking through the house with a boner shouting "Here kitty kitty, here kitty kitty!"

Which kind of corn holds the highest position in the catholic church?

Popecorn

Showerthoughts sub has a new sub for its highest awarded posts but it’s NSFW

r/Goldenshowerthoughts

I have heard that self deprecation is the highest form of comedy

Too bad I'm not funny.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe...

There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there.

Who Has The Highest Rank in the Linux Military?

The kernel.

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A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

My girlfriend got upset when I called her a plateau...

...but that’s the highest form of flattery.

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What U.S. state has the highest portion of Redditors per capita?

Virginia

Yellow cars have the highest crash rate

According to a recent pole

Did you know in 1998 Titanic overtook Jurassic Park to become the highest grossing film of all time?

I guess the Titanic can’t survive an iceberg but it can beat a Spielberg.

What Disney character can count the highest?

Buzz Lightyear, to infinity and beyond.

Which country has the highest number of parks?

...

North Korea and South Korea.

What is the highest level of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other.

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In geography class the teacher asked little Johnny what the highest point of Japan was

Little Johnny said, “I don’t know that but I can tell you the lowest point!”

The teacher says, “ok, what is it?”

Little Johnny then said, “it’s in Nagasaki!”

You know that you’re at the highest point in your life...

...when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

Who are the highest paid generals in the military?

General Motors, General Electric and General Dynamics

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

When do you start on red and stop on green?

When you're eating a watermelon!

Someone told me that Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time.

I know some parts are a bit unpleasant, but it’s not that disgusting.

Had a test the other day and got the highest possible score!

The policeman holding the breathalyser wasn't as happy as me though...

I'm selling a TV for $1, but it's broken and it's stuck on the highest volume

It's something you can't turn down.

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Alabama has the highest approval rating for Trump in the country.

They also have a law banning the sale of vibrators.


Apparently they can only support one dildo at a time.

What is the highest honour for a geologist

To become a knight of the tectonic order.

Two blondes were standing on the rooftop of the highest building

First one looked down and asked:
"Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?"

Second one then also looked down and said:
"Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least 5 days!"

"Really? Ok here's another one" she co...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

What is the highest grade a Canadian can get?

Eh

What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?

The Romans.

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

What's the highest number in the world?

420

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the highest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

Did you know Auschwitz has the highest hotel rating?

1.1 million stars

What's the highest paying profession in the world?

Circumcision. You don't get paid much hourly. But you get a lot of tips!

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

What do you call Snoop Dogg on Mount Everest?

The highest place on Earth.

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

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they say penis size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

**Edit** Ten hours in, this is my highest rated post ever! happy I found a place where im appreciated. ill come back with more material! :D

There are three kittens on a roof (science/nerd joke)

There are three kittens on a roof in a rain storm. Which is the last to slide off?

The one with the highest mu.

............................................................


(mu (can't create the symbol) is the coefficient of friction. But I bet you knew that already)

A survey showed that England had the highest Star Wars fan base in the world...

I guess the fourth is really with them.

My highest test grade I'll always be proud of is my blood test...

A+

Two blondes are running for the highest office in the land

Oh right, don't put the joke in the title. Sorry.

What do you call a girl who catches fish?

Anette.

^^^^Just^thought^of^this^i'm^sorry^it's^bad..



Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!

Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!

A stranger find two French men throwing coins in a park.

When the stranger asks why the French men are doing that, one of them replies,

"We are trying to see who can throw these coins the highest! Whoever wins owes the other a hot dog!"

But suddenly the other French man interjects,

"Wait! I thought we were going off distance, not heig...

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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder...

It was poultry in auction

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

Did you know that Germany has one of the highest renewable energy use ratings in the world?

They most certainly use less gas now.

After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me.

What do you call Afghan triplets?

Twins!

I am so sorry....

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

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A school boy was in the toilets with his best mate seeing who could piss the highest up the wall when the teacher walked in...

She hit the roof!

Q: What's the highest form of praise you can receive from a pimp?

A: A back-handed compliment.

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...

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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain.

So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion. Only the prefect couldn’t stand Rod, so he told him:

“You will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back .... erm ... a pair of crocodile shoes!"

Roderick salutes ...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building.

It's the highest court in the land.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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