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Toilet Seat Jokes

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

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Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat when...

One gets pissed off!

(sorry!)

Apparently you can get STDs from toilet seats

But only if you sit down before the other guy gets up

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats.

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat?

Shrivel me timber!

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"


The Princess said "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

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In my house it is a rule to always put the toilet seat lid DOWN!

We're always dropping shit in there.

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

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A toilet seat with no hole...

Is a really shitty toilet seat.

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Why did they stop the production of the air conditioned toilet seat?

Shit hit the fan.

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News story reminds me of old JFK "golden toilet" joke

Read in the news that thieves had been charged with stealing a $6 million gold toilet and it reminded me of this "classic."

For some reason one of the characters in this joke when it was told to me was JFK. The accent maybe made it more humorous.

JFK is on a talk show telling the story...

What did a women’s toilet seat say to a men’s toilet seat?

”Urinal lot of trouble, mister.”

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before gett...

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A warm toilet seat is just like a prostitute...

It feels good, but you know someone was just there.

Get AIDS from a toilet seat

A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?


The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

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Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat...

sooner or later you'll get pissed off.

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

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What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet seat?

A toilet seat only has to put up with one arsehole at a time.

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

What do women and warm toilet seats have in common?

They are both nice to be on, but it makes you wonder who was there before you.

Toilet seats can give you STD's...

...If you sit down before the person stands up

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Guys, do you want to know the secret to never pissing on the toilet seat?

Urine luck.

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What do a woman and a toilet seat have in common?

Without a hole in the middle they wouldn't be good for shit.

(Wife told me this one)

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man...

When you hear somebody shout your name after you have just left pee on the toilet seat,

You know urine trouble

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

I had to buy a new toilet seat yesterday.

There was a crack in it every time I sat down.

How do you cope with a broken toilet seat?

You just have to make doo.

I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats

Until I sat on a warm one

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros and a toilet seat?

I don't know, but there's no way I'm using **that** bathroom

Ma & Pa and the outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

"Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with it."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around,...

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What do warm toilet seats and pussy have in common?

They both feel nice but you never know who's been there first

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Being in middle management is like being a toilet seat...

Look up and you see a bunch of arseholes, look down and all you see are shits.

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After I lifted my toilet seat I found an ant on the rim of the bowl.

I really pissed him off.

TIL that the toilet seat was invented by the polish people and only after 5 years the American perfected it by adding the hole in the middle.

A rough translation of a jk my dad told me

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

Kids these days are dumb, someone broke into the local sheriff's office and stole all the toilet seats

The police are trying to build a case but they have nothing to go on.

A girl I was dating told me she liked to be peed on

I said, “well I’m not so sure about that, but you’ll love what I left on the toilet seat!”

A friend of mine is an aviation technician

He's Welsh, called Dai and repairs planes.
One day, he had to do a repair on a broken toilet seat.
It will forever be known as, "Loo seat in the sky which Dai mends"

Toilet training

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy…

He pushes up the seat and balances his little pen!s on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping ...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

What feels really nice at home and is absolutely awful in public?

Sitting on a warm toilet seat...

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My absent minded friend

A friend of mine was asked by his wife to tidy up the bathroom. She headed out on her Saturday afternoon shopping trip while he set to work.

One of his tasks was to lacquer the toilet seat.
He finished this and the other work and went out to watch the football in the pub.

When he ...

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

Coronavirus is driving us mad!

We have become crazy.

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when i returned to my table I realized....

I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed.

I almost slipped off the toilet seat.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

Today is international men's day AND world toilet day.

I'm celebrating both by leaving the toilet seat up.

What’s comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

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Man, my ass hasn't been pinched this many times in years!

....our toilet seat cracked last weekend

I've been searching...

...for almost 40 years for a toilet seat I don't fall through.

I'm a little behind.

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Three old guys are sitting around talking.

One subject leads to another, when the subject of pain comes up.

First guy says "you ever zipped your foreskin into your jeans? That's pain.."

Second guy, "that's not pain, you ever had the trots and went to jump on the toilet in a hurry and trapped one of your nuts between your leg a...

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A musical joke [kinda NSFW]

A man won a weekend in 5 star hotel with all inclusive package - free food, drinks and presidential apartment.

Wanting to fully enjoy the package, the man visited each night the luxury restaurant and ordered the most expensive dishes and drinks.

At the end of his stay, one of the recep...

How did the idiot drown drinking water?

The toilet seat fell on his head.

(My boyfriend's brother came up with that one when he was a little tot)

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