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Meditate Jokes

I taught a wolf to meditate

Now he’s aware wolf

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

Why did Waldo meditate

To find himself

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

Why do Buddhists meditate in front of mirrors?

For optimal self reflection

Why do green beans meditate?

To find inner peas!

I learned how to meditate from my school teacher. She would say to me...

..."SHUT UP, STAY STILL AND JUST BE QUIET!!!

How do electricians meditate?

Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm

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I used to meditate myself to ejaculation, but have since stopped.

That was a load off my mind.

Why does the yogi always meditate under the citrus tree?

It's a sublime spot

Meditation

[A bit dry : p]

One day, as he did everyday an old yogi was meditating in a cave.

A hungry traveller passing by noticed him in the cave sitting by a fire.

The traveler hoping for a bite to eat shouts into the echoing cave "Hello there!!"

The yogi being very disciplined, k...

What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow?

Fro-zen.

How do you know a person meditates?

They already told you.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

While climbing barefoot up mountains to meditate, Ghandi would squeeze garlic into his mouth to deal with hunger pains from fasting

super calloused fragile mystic with extra halitosis

A loud rich man asks a monk how he meditates so well...

The monk, who was just meditating, opens his eyes and sighs,

"The task is simple" he says, "To meditate well, you must find yourself. Personally, all I do is enter a room and look for the ugliest man there. Since that is always me, I never have trouble finding myself"

The man replies...

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face....

This mindfulness app is taking a long time to download

It’s really stressing me out...I should really meditate or something.

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I was talking with a narcissist who was only thinking about himself.

He kept telling me to lose weight even though he was sitting on his ass for hours on end.




Anyways that's why I don't meditate anymore.

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

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A man gets sick of it all and joins a monastery

He travels to Nepal, hikes high into the mountains and finds a monastery. The head monk informs him that they would accept him if he dresses the part, does his work, and learns the ways of peace and meditation. The man agrees. The head monk tells him, "one last thing, you must take a vow of silen...

Murder of crows

Question...If a group of crows is called a murder, and a group is three or more, is two crows together considered an attempted murder? Also, as I’ve been told, crows are very intelligent, my so would a planned gathering of crows be considered a pre-meditated murder?

How do electricians relax?

They meditate.
*Oooohhhmmmm*

They do it after getting all amped up after a long day. It helps organize the mind after getting their wires crossed.

A man is at his lowest point

He’s tried every drug, sipped every beer, and just generally been out of it. Trying to get better, he goes to a council of Buddhist monks and seeks their advice.

The eldest monk says to him, “I see, my child, that it is going to take more than just our usual methods to sober you up. I task y...

If crows plan to make a group...

Is it a pre-meditated murder?

Why do Buddhists get the harshest jail sentences?

Because all their crimes are pre-meditated.

Lee decides that he wants to find his place in the intricacy of the universe, and leaves his family to become a Buddhist monk...

He treks for days into the mountains, before finding a monastery, hundreds of miles from civilization. He enters the monastery, and bowing before the lama, requests to become a monk.

The lama accepts, but on one condition; he must only speak two words every five years. Still determined as eve...

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John arrives in heaven and...

...at the entrance St. Peter shows him a high, high-rise building where he must enter.

The problem is that the building does not have an elevator so they slowly take the stairs.

On the first floor there is a corridor with doors on both sides and from all rooms there can be heard religi...

Why was the monk charged with first degree murder?

Because he meditated beforehand

[OC] [8] heheh

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A dragon catches three men

A German, a Japanese and a Russian. Tells them he'll give them a chance to live if they survive his fire blow. They can also hide behind one object.

German goes first and decides to hide behind a steel plate, claiming he believes in manufacturing and quality of products. Dragon blows at him a...

A Buddhist monk turns to the Dalai Lama for an answer.

A Buddhist monk was pondering what is the difference between a woman and a pearl, but couldn't figure it out. He gave up and decided to ask the Dalai Lama.

"Hmm, interensting question, young grasshopper - said the Dalai Lama. I do not know, but if you give me three days to meditate on this, ...

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

A man goes on a trip to a mountain

When he arrives he sees the largest mountain he ever saw and decides so climb it. He goes, and goes, and goes.

Eventually he finds himself at the top of the mountain and sees the house of a wise man that lived isolated from society to meditate.

The wise man when sees the climber said...

Walking on Water

It's the second resurection of Christ. Before the world ends he wants 
to take in some fishing. So he gets his friend Moses and they head up 
to Minnesota to fish. They are about to rent a canoe when Moses says:
"Jesus, can't you still walk on water? Why not just walk out there?"
So Jesu...

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Wisdom of the Buddha

So a man is looking for enlightenment and he reads and studies and learns all he can but he hits a wall. He just can't seem to learn any more so he decides to go to tibet to speak to one of the masters there. He climbs a mighty mountain and sees the master meditating on top, like you see in movies a...

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