A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Why did little Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms

Why did sara fall out of swing..

She didnt have hands

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.


Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.


What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.


What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does Tiger Woods have the best swing?

He heard that swinging meant he could have sex with whomever.

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

A stormy night.

A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push.

"No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face.

"Who was that?" calls his wife.
"Just some drunk asking for...

What kind of bats swing upside down?

Acro-bats!

(From my 6 year old)

A chicken, duck and quail were found dead on a swing set.

The police suspect fowl play

My 10yr old daughter told me this today

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why wouldnt William Shakespear be a good rapper?
Cause he's dead.
Knock knock.
(Who's there)
Not Sally

Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?

Neither did she.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing?

Annoying the sniper.

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a gorilla on a tyre swing at the zoo the other day...

I thought, wow that looks fun, I'll buy one for the kids! But it makes the tree in my garden look scruffy and it keeps chucking shit at the neighbours.

Teenagers have too many mood swings.

One second they are all giggly and happy, but when I put in the back of my van, they get all pouty and start crying. Ugh, teenagers.

What's black and white, red all over, and swings?

A nun on a meat hook!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife wasn't happy with my mood swings, so she brought me one of those mood rings that changes color based on your mood.

We discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. And when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Swing Low Sweet...

Haven't been on here for a bit but haven't seen this one so thought I should post it.. (apologies in advance if you have heard before)
....
A teacher asked her class to write on a piece of paper the type of work their daddies did.
The children got very excited and started scribbling...

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty

He says "what have you come as?"

She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"

The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest

He says "...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What type of bear is bisexual and experiences mood swings?

Bi-polar.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's a jew doing on a swing?

Fucking with the german snipers

How do you get a clown off a swing?

hit him in the face with an Axe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.

Bonus: Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not the little girl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

What is White, Fluffy and swings through a cake shop?

A Merangue-utang :-D

My girlfriend is always hooking, ending up elbow deep in a bush because she swings both ways

She's a terrible golfer

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees up and swings, and unfortunately his ball ends up in a water trap. He curses, then parts the water to retrieve his ball.

Jesus tees up and swings. His ball also goes into the water trap. He doesn't curse, but thinks for a moment. He then walks across the water and retrieves his bal...