UPJOKE
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In honor of my Cake Day, I offer a joke I heard from an 8 year old. Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she didn’t have any hands.





Knock Knock

— Who’s there?

Not Sally

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack nodded and grinned...

“And you will dialogue!"

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

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When I was a little boy, I accidentally walked in on my step dad as he was getting out of the shower and I saw his dick. Let me tell you, It. Was. Huge. Guy was swinging a hammer! And then I thought what every kid thinks when he sees something like that.

"I wish this guy was my real Dad..."

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"

A sheriff walks into a saloon, the doors swinging on their hinges behind him

“I’m gonna need your attention” he exclaims.

Everyone in the bar hushes up.

“I’m lookin’ for a wanted man” says the sheriff.

“What’s he look like sheriff?” asks a patron standing at the bar.

The sheriff responds “Well now, he’s been seen wearing a brown paper shirt, brown...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!

What's yellow, swings through the jungle, and smells of almonds?

Tarzipan

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy...

I took golf lessons from a pro, because my swing was so bad

He asked me to hit a few shots with my driver, a 5 wood, the 3, 5, and 7 irons

He said, “I see your problem. You are standing too close to the ball, after you’ve hit it.”

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "No...

Aliens finally visit Earth.

They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"
...

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

A pirate started singing me a song. I didn’t really like it until he started swinging his arm around.

Then I was caught on the hook.

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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Four Gentlemen Are out Golfing ,,,

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, knocks the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…
The s...

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Pussy Willows

Two old friends hadn’t seen each other in years, because they lived so far away from each other. So they decided to meet in the middle, and take a weekend getaway golf trip.

They hit up a course tucked high up in the rockies, in a valley surrounded by white capped mountains. It was truly som...

Two men are having a fight

First guy swings, but there's no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

First guy swings, no contact.

Second guy swings, no contact.

Some dude sitting on a bench nearby sees these two fools swinging and missing, he walks over and takes a swing at the first guy. He doe...

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. Once he enters he picks up his dog and starts swinging him around. The bartender yells and runs over to the man and says “Hey man what are you doing!?”
The blind man responds, “oh nothing, I’m just looking around”.

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.

Golf

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
...

Patty and Mick are working on a construction site

Patty says to Mick. “I want the day off, so I’m going to act like a mad person and hope the manager lets me off”

Patty then proceeds to jump up onto the scaffolding and shouts over and over. “I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb! I’m a lightbulb” He’s swinging around like a monkey on a tree and c...

What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour

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An American man goes to Japan to close a big business deal.

The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a woman in the hotel bar. She speaks no English but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.

In bed she is wildly thrashing around and screaming a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what sh...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

A drunk rings the doorbell at dawn

The owner of the house gets up and through the window asks:

- What do you want? Where are you?
- Hello, I know it's late - shouts the drunk - but I need someone to push me, and your house is the only one in this region. You need to push me!

Crazy as hell, the newly awake replies: ...

A kid comes home from school…

…He runs to his mother with tears in his eyes.

“Mom, mom!” he cries, “The kids at school were calling me a hired assassin today!”

His mother looks at him and says: “Don’t worry, son. Tomorrow I’ll swing by the school and settle things.”

“Alright mom,” the child says, “but make i...

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[Long] There was a man named Joe, a carpenter who made incredible furniture

He lived in a small city, but it was always full of people trying to buy furniture from Joe's store, Arge Oaks. Every Saturday Joe would go out into the forest to cut wood for his furniture. One Saturday Joe decided to go further out into the forest, in order to see the older and larger trees. He ca...

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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getting prepped for a wedding

So there was this young man who was getting married and was worried because he didn't know how to do it. He asked an older friend of his for some advice and his friend told him to tape a nickel on each side of his hips ,a dime on his butt and a dollar on his dick. He told to go home and practice swi...

A blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog.

Without saying a word, the man takes the leash of his dog and swings the dog above his head in a circle like a lasso.

After a short time, the barman finally asks "what are you doing?!"

Thereupon the blind man says: Oh, I just wanted to take a look around.

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

Quasimodo is about to ring the bell for 3pm when the rope snaps.

He knows he has to ring it but doesn't know how. Then he has an idea. He takes a big run up and uses his face to ring it. Bloodied and cut he does it again. Battered and bruised he does it one more time, but the bell swings back and knocks him off the tower down to the floor below.


Lyin...

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

Two golfers and a priest went out to play a few rounds

The first golfer missed a key swing.

"Damn, I missed!" he said.

The priest scolded him, saying that God would punish him for taking the Lord's name in vain.

However, it happened again.

"Damn, I missed!"

The priest tutted and reminded him to keep the Lord's name hol...

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A man wakes up one morning and hears on the radio that a gorilla has escaped from the zoo.

Deciding that this news does impact his life in any way, the man goes outside to retrieve the mail. Just as he reaches his mailbox, he hears very loud grunting above him and looks up at his massive tree next to the mailbox. Up high in the tree is none other than the escaped gorilla, hooting and holl...

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Don’t mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods as well, just a few yards beyond.
Fred looked for his ball for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a...

What are the Dire Straits' favorite kind of cracker?

Saltines of swing

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

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So a nun was at Confessional…

So a nun is at Confession and admits to the Mother Superior that she had cussed. Concerned, the Mother Superior asked her to explain the situation which caused her to swear.

“Well, last Saturday I decided to go play a game of golf and on the first hole, I took a mighty swing but the ball slic...

This one just came from my 3 year old, she’s still learning jokes: What do you call a monkey on a swing?

A monkey going “wee-wee”

Normally her jokes don’t make *any* sense, but this one actually made us laugh

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

How do you tell who at the playground plays the trombone?

They can't swing and are always complaining about the slide

Did you know Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?

Yea nether did she.

Always be nice

Long

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer...

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What did the jewish girl on the swing do?

Fuck with the German snipers.

How do you get a clown off a swing set?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

Why is it so windy in swing states?

Because blue states suck, and red states blow.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

A man goes to a golf course and tells the club pro he's taught a gorilla to play golf.

The club pro is understandably skeptical, until he glances outside and sees a gorilla holding a golf club.

"The way he drives the ball," the man says, mimicking a huge swing. "Just amazing."

"I'll believe it when I see it," the pro replies.

The man tells the pro, "I'll bet you f...

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A blind and elderly German man is on a train.

When the train approaches the station of his destination, he gets up from his seat, tries to make for the door, but almost walks into a pole.

Another passenger yells," Careful, there's a pole in front of you!"

The old man breathes in, stands tall with all the vitality of his youth, a...

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I can swing both ways

When I'm open, you can come in the rear.

If you bang me too much, I could start to sag

When you grab my big knocker, you get attention

if you fondle my knob, I might let you enter me

\-am a door

I need a push

I was sound asleep one night, it was about 3am when we heard a knock on the door. My wife asked me if I was going to go see who was at the door. I told her “it’s 3am, I don’t care who’s at the door, they can go to hell!”
“Well” my wife says “what if someone really needs help and we are the on...

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A small town psychiatrist is visiting a big city asylum

The resident psychiatrist is giving him a tour of the facility.

As they walk down the hallway they come to the first door on the left and the small town psychiatrist asks if he can take a look.

The resident psychiatrist says sure so they walk over and look through the little window ...

Why did Annie fall of the swings?

She had no arms.

What did Annie get for Christmas?
She doesn't know. She can't open the box.

Knock knock. Who's there?
Not Annie.

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What do you call a polar bear that exhibits rapid mood swings like that of a manic depressive, can live in both the arctic and antarctic, and shows equal sexual attraction to both male and female partners?

A bipolar bi-polar bi polar bear.

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what're you in for

A Psychiatry student is sent to the mental hospital to evaluate 3 of the worst cases in the country. He's lead down a stairwell into the basement where there's three heavy locked iron doors. He unlocks the first and goes inside.

Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms li...

What do you call a bear that has mood swings?

A bi-polar bear

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.

Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, “Goddammit, I missed!” At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, “Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord’s name, so help me, may He strike yo...

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A priest and a nun are going golfing...

The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball... and it just barely misses the hole.


"God dammit, I missed!" the priest says in anger, throwing his club on the ground. "If you keep saying that, the Lord is gonna strike you down" the nun warns, shaking her finge...

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My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I kn...

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing?

Pissing off the sniper

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

@&#<#&*@>×>!!*

Two Antennae met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn't that good, but the *reception* was incredible!

^@<#@*@:×>×&@!*!>@

A pastor was filling out paperwork at his desk, wh...

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.


Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.


What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.


What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.

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A nun tries to tech another nun golf

When the trainee swings and misses the promptly states “shit I missed!”

The second nun says, “sister! You cannot curse, you represent our convent!” “I’m sorry,” says the first nun.

The first nun swings and misses again. “Shit! I missed,” she says. The second nun replies, “Sister, if yo...

I was near the local playground, and I tried flirting with the cute single mother.

It was a swing and a Miss.

What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

\- Because she didn't have arms...


Why couldn't Sally get back up?



\- Because she doesn't have friends...


Knock Knock...


(Who's There),



Not Sally...(She doesn't have arms remember)

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