A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy ask...

Why did the boy fall off the swing?

Someone threw a fridge at him.

Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.

Why did Sally fall off the swing

Because she didn't have hands

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Not Sally


What did Sally get for Christmas?

Gloves but shhh don't tell her she hasn't opened it yet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Of all my body parts my dick has the most mood swings..

It is either up or down

Sally really wants to swing but she can't because she has no arms

Knock Knock

Whos there

Not sally

I never knew Helen Keller had a swing set in her backyard...

Neither did she

Q: Why did Sally fall off the swing?

A: Because she has no hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Tiger Woods have the best swing?

He heard that swinging meant he could have sex with whomever.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

\- Because she didn't have arms...


Why couldn't Sally get back up?



\- Because she doesn't have friends...


Knock Knock...


(Who's There),



Not Sally...(She doesn't have arms remember)

People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.

What kind of bats swing upside down?

Acro-bats!

(From my 6 year old)

A chicken, duck and quail were found dead on a swing set.

The police suspect fowl play

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Three Southern Belles are sipping a lemonade on the porch swing one hot summer day.

The first one says "Ah heard tell of a boah kissin' anothuh boah. They call them 'ho-mo-seck-shules'."

They all giggle and fan themselves.

The second one says "Wail, AH heard of a gurl kissin' anothuh gurl. They call them 'lez-bee-ans'."

They all turn slightly red and sip their ...

My 10yr old daughter told me this today

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why wouldnt William Shakespear be a good rapper?
Cause he's dead.
Knock knock.
(Who's there)
Not Sally

What do you call an animal which has mood swings?

A bipolar bear

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys called Richard were trying to see who could go higher on swings.

It was a real dick swinging contest.

My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.

What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing?

Annoying the sniper.

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a gorilla on a tyre swing at the zoo the other day...

I thought, wow that looks fun, I'll buy one for the kids! But it makes the tree in my garden look scruffy and it keeps chucking shit at the neighbours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wasn't happy with my mood swings, so she brought me one of those mood rings that changes color based on your mood.

We discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. And when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

What's black and white, red all over, and swings?

A nun on a meat hook!

Teenagers have too many mood swings.

One second they are all giggly and happy, but when I put in the back of my van, they get all pouty and start crying. Ugh, teenagers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty

He says "what have you come as?"

She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"

The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest

He says "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What type of bear is bisexual and experiences mood swings?

Bi-polar.

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

How do you get a clown off a swing?

hit him in the face with an Axe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a jew doing on a swing?

Fucking with the german snipers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

She didn't have any arms.

Bonus: Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not the little girl...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Why did the blind man swing his seeing eye dog around by the tail?

He was taking a look around

What is White, Fluffy and swings through a cake shop?

A Merangue-utang :-D

My girlfriend is always hooking, ending up elbow deep in a bush because she swings both ways

She's a terrible golfer

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