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Swing Jokes

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
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I hate my mood swings.

#They're great!
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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
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One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...
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To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
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An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single ch...
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A sheriff walks into a saloon, the doors swinging on their hinges behind him

“I’m gonna need your attention” he exclaims.

Everyone in the bar hushes up.

“I’m lookin’ for a wanted man” says the sheriff.

“What’s he look like sheriff?” asks a patron standing at the bar.

The sheriff responds “Well now, he’s been seen wearing a brown paper shirt, brown...
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Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...
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Why did the boy fall from the swing?

Because he had no arms



Knock Knock


Who's there


Not the boy
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What do you call a monkey who swings both ways?

Bi-curious George
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I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.
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What's the Syrian girl doing on the swing?

Pissing off the sniper

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I can swing both ways

When I'm open, you can come in the rear.

If you bang me too much, I could start to sag

When you grab my big knocker, you get attention

if you fondle my knob, I might let you enter me

\-am a door

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"
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The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...
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What's yellow, swings through the jungle, and smells of almonds?

Tarzipan
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Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...
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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle

As he reached for a vine, his hand slipped and fell to the jungle floor and got knocked out cold.

He woke up and realized he didn’t have any broken bones everything seemed OK, except his wiener was missing. He assumed it had fallen off and one of the jungle creatures ran off with it.

H...
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I took golf lessons from a pro, because my swing was so bad

He asked me to hit a few shots with my driver, a 5 wood, the 3, 5, and 7 irons

He said, “I see your problem. You are standing too close to the ball, after you’ve hit it.”
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Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.

"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"

Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into ...
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Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...
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Why is it so windy in swing states?

Because blue states suck, and red states blow.
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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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What did the jewish girl on the swing do?

Fuck with the German snipers.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?

Neither did she.
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...
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It's 2am and the doorbell rings.

I run down stairs and open the door. There's a bloke there looking a bit desperate and says, "I know it's really late, but can you give me a push". I tell him to piss off and I go back to bed.

Wife asks who it was - I tell her. She says I'm a right cunt for not helping and I should give him a...

How do you get a clown off a swing set?

Hit him in the face with an axe.
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Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

@&#<#&*@>×>!!*

Two Antennae met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn't that good, but the *reception* was incredible!

^@<#@*@:×>×&@!*!>@

A pastor was filling out paperwork at his desk, wh...
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?

\- Because she didn't have arms...


Why couldn't Sally get back up?



\- Because she doesn't have friends...


Knock Knock...


(Who's There),



Not Sally...(She doesn't have arms remember)
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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If y...

An old man applies for a job as a woodcutter,

but the boss doesn't think he's fit enough. He tells the boss he is able to cut down any tree in a single swing.

To prove this, he goes outside, hits a five foot tree with his axe, and it falls over. The boss is impressed. The old man then repeats this with a ten foot tree. Then a thirty foot...
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What does a camera with mood swings have?

Bipolaroid disorder.
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In honor of my Cake Day, I offer a joke I heard from an 8 year old. Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she didn’t have any hands.





Knock Knock

— Who’s there?

Not Sally
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Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...
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Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.


Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.


What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.


What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.
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Why does Tiger Woods have the best swing?

He heard that swinging meant he could have sex with whomever.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...
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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

What kind of bats swing upside down?

Acro-bats!

(From my 6 year old)
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What would you call if spiderman starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour
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Rock climbing is not good for my mood swings.

Too many ups and downs.
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A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”

“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”

The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf s...
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What do you call a bear that has mood swings?

A bi-polar bear
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My wife has been having mood swings today

I just don't know the reason, period
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An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.

"Well that was disappointing," he said...
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The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought...

The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snappin...

A pirate started singing me a song. I didn’t really like it until he started swinging his arm around.

Then I was caught on the hook.
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My wife had a terrible mood swing during her period.

She's just ovary acting.
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A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...
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People always act surprised when I say that I swing both ways...

I don't get what's so surprising about being good at baseball.
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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...
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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you.

That's the punch line.
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