A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

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When it started to fall apart...

A much older man married a sweet young girl. On their wedding night, he came strutting out of the hotel bathroom, swinging it.

He: Do you know what this is called, Honey?

She (giggling): That's a pee-pee.

He (chucking): Oh no, Honey, this is a cock.

She (giggling): O...

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An old guy is not able to get his younger wife to cum

and therefor they decide to get some help from a sex therapist. So they sit in front of this therapist and the therapist says “the problem is obvious. I know how to help. You need to search at Craigslist for a specific kind of man. He needs to be tall, athletic and needs to have a dick that makes a ...

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing -eye dog.

Suddenly he stops and starts swinging the dog around by it's leash over his head. A sales clerk runs over and says, "Sir! What on earth are you doing?"

The blind man says, "Oh nothing, just browsing."

So a blind man enters a store swinging his dog around his head

The manager approached him, cautiously asking, "Do you need help with anything?"

The man replies, "Nope, just looking around."

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

a blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog...

suddenly, he starts swinging his dog like a helicopter in the air...
the bartender: what the bloody hell are you doing?...
the blind man: chill, bro, im just looking aroung

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

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3 men shipwrecked on desert island

(Beer garden banter joke. Works best when you use yourself and people you know as the protagonists, just replace names and choose the butt of the joke)

3 men get shipwrecked on a desert island.
Their boat ruined they head in-land to find salvation, when out of the trees lunges a huge 7 fo...

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How to be a macho mouse

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mouse...

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A blind man with his seeing eye dog walks into a flea market.

He picks up the dog and starts swinging the dog on the harness over his head.
A vendor runs over and yells at him to stop and asks what the fuck he thinks he's doing?
Oh don't mind me....I'm just having a look around.

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Why does Tiger Woods have the best swing?

He heard that swinging meant he could have sex with whomever.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

An older couple decided to try "swinging"

They'd both recently turned sixty and, what the heck -- YOLO. So they went to a swingers party and, to their amazement, connected with a very young couple barely past their teens. After an hour and a half of "play time" they got dressed and headed home.

"Well that was disappointing," he said...

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

The Jones and the Smiths decided to try swinging…

… so they left for the week-end to a mountain resort where they rented two cabins, and they swapped partners for the night.

The next morning, Joe Smith woke up, and said “let’s go see how the ladies are doing”…

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I knew a woman who could mesmerize you just by swinging her breasts.

I think she was a hypnotits.

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

How do you stop kids swinging on the clothes line?

With a shovel

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There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,

one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,

the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,

"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you...

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi

DUDE!! I went to the gas station to get a Pepsi and as I walk up, I noticed these 2 Policemen watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid and crazy, especially with the Policemen standing RIGHT there. Anyway, I minded my own business and went and picked...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

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Two old dudes are sitting on a park bench discussing their youth and how things have changed. One says to the other one, "these days there is premarital sex, extramarital sex, swinging... I never had premarital sex with my wife, did you?"

The other thinks for a moment and says "What was her maiden name again?"

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While Tarzan was swinging through the jungle one day he missed a branch And fell to the jungle floor.

He woke up in the witch doctors hut where he was told they had to replace his eye with an eagles eye, his arm with a monkey arm, his legs with a cheetahs legs and his penis with an elephants trunk.

The witch doctor told him to go home and come back if he has any problems

A week went by...

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

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