This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

What was the robot charged with?

Battery

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

An American walks into a bar and is charged $150,000.

Guess he couldn't afford health insurance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

What happens if you throw a charged battery at someone?

You will get charged with battery.

Why was the saxophonist charged with public indecency?

He wouldn’t stop scatting at the club.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.
“Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
“Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Why did the energizer bunny go to jail

He was charged with battery

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A wife tried to cut off her husband's penis and missed.

She should've been charged for more, but only ended up getting charged with a Misdaweiner.

Why was the blacksmith charged with?

Forgery.

Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?

It was charged with battery.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

The judge says to the bailiff, "Bailiff, what is this man charged with?"

Judge: *Bailiff, what is this man charged with?*

Bailiff: *Your honor, this is man is charged with BIGOTRY! He had THREE wives!*

Judge (shouting): *BAILIFF! Havin' three wives is not BIGOTRY!   It's* ***TRIGONOMETRY!***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Authorities unveil the the rioter who tazed himself to death in the balls has been charged.

Charged in the nards

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

I took my mannequin to the shop to have some parts replaced...

They charged me an arm and a leg!

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

Did you hear about the cruise-ship swindler who was charged fifty cents?

He was a con fined two quarters.

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple Tree.

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple tree. She was ashamed of her actions but her husband was always so busy with his farm work and rarely had time to tend to her needs. Once she became pregnant, the farmer had his suspicions, but after the baby was born, he was all but convinced the child was...

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city?

He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.

What is someone who steals from campers charged with?

Criminal intent

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. 

"You're running around with other women." she charged. 

"You're being very unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." 

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by s...

Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.


"May I help you?" she asked.


"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would ...

Karen

Police arrested two Karens yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charged up the tesla last night

Just the name we gave my partners sex toy to make us sound rich

What was the acid and sodium chloride charged with in court?

A salt and battery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to a sex therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks i...

Have to charge you 25 dollars

Dentist: I'm sorry, madam, but I'll have to charge you twenty-five dollars for pulling your son's tooth.

Mother: Twenty-five dollars! But I thought you only charged five dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of ...

I plugged my phone into a power bank and now it has an arrest record...

it was charged with battery

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.