UPJOKE
accuseaccusationburdenimpeachrushblamecomplaintmissionrechargetaxpointloadbear downoverchargesurcharge

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

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What did the man caught masturbating on a plane get charged with?

High Jacking

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians.

I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

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Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

Politically charged joke. Knock Knock

Who's there?


Putin.


Putin who?


Putin a doorbell I'm tired of knocking.

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Sex Therapy

Seems to be pretty old joke,

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong...

Did you hear about the battery theft criminals?

They got charged!

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery

He charged one and let the other one off

I got charged $50 by a taxi driver to go to a laundromat only 2 miles away

I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners

Two kids on my street got arrested today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Only one of them was charged; the other was let off.

The police took my phone

It was charged with battery

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

I heard Sodium Chloride was charged with a felony!

Yes, it was a salt!

If a pregnant woman drinks alcohol...

... can she be charged with serving a minor?

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

It is illegal to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You may be charged with vehicular mans laughter.

There was this guy who found an ancient book.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.


Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see i...

Did you hear about the portable, electric whisk which gave Timmy a black eye?

He was charged with battery

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

An American walks into a bar and is charged $150,000.

Guess he couldn't afford health insurance.

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

I was sitting in the courtroom the other day and my phone started to die. Luckily I brought my mobile power bank.

Anyways, I was charged with battery.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.
“Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
“Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

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Home Repairs

A couple woke up one morning and began getting ready for the day. While brushing their teeth the wife noticed the sink was leaking and asked her husband to fix it. He turned to her and said, "Do I look like a fucking plumber?"

A few minutes later his wife noticed the closet light had a short...

What happens if you throw a charged battery at someone?

You will get charged with battery.

Did you hear about the robot who assaulted someone?

Turns out he was charged with battery

Why was the saxophonist charged with public indecency?

He wouldn’t stop scatting at the club.

Why did the robot go to jail?

Cos he was charged with batterie

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