UPJOKE
accuseaccusationburdenimpeachrushblameunderchargecounterchargecomplaintmissionrechargecriminateincriminatetaxpoint

Charged Jokes

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man caught masturbating on a plane get charged with?

High Jacking

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

A man is in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence.

I can't believe my doctor charged me $20,000 for a circumcision! He didn't even do it right.

What a rip-off.

I was charged $200 just to see a doctor

And I don't even get to keep the binoculars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was the masturbating spy charged with?

Dissemenating information

What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

I got charged way more than I was quoted for a new set of tires!

They said it was due to inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

I went to a psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

They charged me a fortune at the local opticians.

I'll tell you what, they saw me coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

Politically charged joke. Knock Knock

Who's there?


Putin.


Putin who?


Putin a doorbell I'm tired of knocking.

I have a feeling my phone is mostly charged ...

... but I am not 100%.

I got charged $50 by a taxi driver to go to a laundromat only 2 miles away

I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

A madam opened the door to her brothel....

.....to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "Can I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie." the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" "No. I must see Natalie." Just then N...

I heard Sodium Chloride was charged with a felony!

Yes, it was a salt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

The person who caused the Tour de France crash should be arrested and charged with genocide.

She tried to take out an entire race.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.
“Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
“Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

An American walks into a bar and is charged $150,000.

Guess he couldn't afford health insurance.

What was the robot charged with?

Battery

What happens if you throw a charged battery at someone?

You will get charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Why was the saxophonist charged with public indecency?

He wouldn’t stop scatting at the club.

Why was the blacksmith charged with?

Forgery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Authorities unveil the the rioter who tazed himself to death in the balls has been charged.

Charged in the nards

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Why’d the Jedi get charged with police brutality shortly after joining the police academy?

He used excessive force

A local electrician was arrested and charged for battery, yesterday.

And spent the night in a dry cell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

Did you hear about the villain who was charged with trying to flood the city?

He denied everything, but the police found substantial levy dents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tried to stab her husband's penis but missed and stabbed his thigh. She was later charged with…

…a mis-da-weiner

Police arrested two kids yesterday

one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

I asked my Rabbi if he charged for his Circumcision.

He told me no he just keeps the tips.

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was charged for sex trafficking.

Never going to have sex in the middle of the highway anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.