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Detained Jokes

How do detained criminals contact their families?

They face time

Did you hear about the insomniac the police detained?

They were charged with resisting a rest.

Why did the Libertarian cross the road?

None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

I went through airport security and the alarm went off

The TSA agent asked if I had any metal on me.

I said hell yeah I do, pulled out a Metallica CD and slammed it on the table.

I was detained and strip searched but it was worth it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police detained a man in the Moscow city for holding a sign with a word "Dickhead".

In the report they wrote that it was for "insulting president". Following dialog:

(Imprisoned): so, what part of this sign is about president?

(Police officer): don't pretend like we don't know who is the Dickhead around us.

Why was the insane train conductor detained?

Because he had loco motives.

Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.

After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar stor...

A muslim guy greeted his friend on an airplane. They were both detained.

His friend named Jack.

How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why are you asking me? Am I being detained?!?

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

A man was detained by police after leaving a dollar in his pants, which went through the wash.

He was arrested for money laundrying

I got detained by security at a comedy club the other night.

I didn’t find the comedian’s joke very funny so they booked me for”resisting a jest”.

Why was the mathematician detained at the airport?

Because he planned to blow up a plane.

Several shoplifters detained today, including a woman who stole a vibrator

Why do they do it - is it just for the buzz....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes

And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

I was on a plane and saw my freind jack

So i shouted hi jack
Still dont know why i was detained

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

A guy was high and was rash driving when he suddenly ran over a group of people walking on the footpath

He was later detained by the police and summoned to the court.

The judge asked him: Why did you run over the group when clearly there was a single person walking on footpath which was on other side of the road? Clearly there would have been less casualties!

The guy answers: I was gonna...

Why did the sovereign citizen cross the road?

That none of your business and I am free to travel on my way without being harassed, am I being detained?

A park ranger catches a man illegally fishing

As the man is getting off his boat with his entire catch, the ranger jumps out in front of him and detains him. The man asks him what he's being detained for.

"Fishing here is illegal. You're coming with me."
"But I wasn't fishing! These fish are all my friends. I come here once a week,...

What do you call a Muslim on a plane?

Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning.

As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but n...

Let him Go!

There once was a man named Juan. Juan worked super hard for his family of four including his oldest daughter Navi. One year on Christmas Eve, Juan is illegally detained. Navi, being his activist daughter immediately rallied her friends. They met in front of the jail on Christmas Day and they all cha...

A man gets on an airplane

Phil gets on an airplane and starts looking for a seat. As he's walking toward the nearest window seat, he notices his friend Jack at the back of the plane. Phil waves his hand and says, “Hi, Jack!”

Phil was arrested and detained for seven hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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