UPJOKE
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I was arrested for drinking battery acid.

But I wasn’t charged.

Three soviet factory workers were recently arrested...

1 came into work too early and was tried for espionage.

1 came into work too late and was tried for sabotage.

And 1 came in on time, meaning he had an illegally imported western watch.

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I was arrested for doing donuts in a parking lot.

Turns out that fucking pastries in public is illegal.

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

Did you hear that Herschel Walker tried to run over some kids and was arrested attempted vehicular manslaughter

In fairness, there was a sign "Drive like your kids live here".

Why was the gemstone sales man arrested?

He was found doing crystal math

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You are being arrested by the silent orgasm police!

Please come quietly

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

Why did the circuit get arrested??

Because it was resisting!!!

An old woman was arrested at the airport today on drug smuggling charges

Customs officials searched her underwear and found a kilo of crack.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested?

He had Loco motives

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

Why did the duck get arrested?

Because he was caught selling quack

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

A Russian boy sees his father being arrested by the FSB and asks, “Papa, why are you being taken to the Gulag?”

The father replies, “I don’t know son, I’m not interested in politics.”

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

why was the sick eagle arrested and deported??

Cuz he was an ill eagle

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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

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Why was the Chinese pornstar arrested?

For erection fraud

I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!

I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

Two kids on my street got arrested today.

One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.

Only one of them was charged; the other was let off.

Went to a rock festival and got arrested for selling pot to The Police.

It was a Sting operation.

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed

In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.

The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:

"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."

I just got arrested for being too ugly. Can you bail me out?

Not you! Now we're both stuck in jail!

Why did the Python data scientist get arrested at customs?

She was caught trying to import pandas!

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A girl was arrested as a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

I got arrested today - apparently it's "illegal" to shave, brush your teeth, make a phonecall, take a nap, have a glass of wine and read a newspaper.

Driving sucks nowdays.

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

How do you know Jefferey Dahmer was a pretty normal guy?

He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

A drunk German was arrested in the middle of the street in Las Vegas

He complained to the judge that the police officer arrested him because he was "European".

The judge replied, "Sir, he said 'You were peeing!'"

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

Did you hear the Duracell Bunny was arrested?

It was because of Domestic Battery!

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

The news today about a woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants. She has been arrested and lost custody.

The child didn’t look surprised.

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

What was the cat arrested for?

Charges of purr-jury

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

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I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..

The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence...

In life, you should take risks.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating politicians

I was literally in my office doing nothing...

A man in Russia was arrested for saying that Putin is an idiot and given a peculiar sentence to one year and fourteen days precisely in prison.

That’s fourteen days for criticising the government, and one year for revealing a state secret.

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

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My GF dressed up as a policewoman and arrested me of being good in bed.

After two minutes all charges were dropped

Did you hear about a man who got arrested for stealing hats?

He hat it coming.

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

My mom got arrested for prostitution and I'm gutted

I never knew she was my mother

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

Why is it that when I eat people, I get arrested...

But when the Donners eat people, they get a Pass!

So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life

A man hands out printouts on Red Square. He's then arrested.

Once at the police station, the officers realize that his leaflets were empty. He says, "Everyone knows what the problem is, so why bother writing it down?"

What did the imposter comedian saw when he was arrested in the House of Lords?

"The real joker's in the commons!"

Africans arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Togolese, Nigerian and a Ghanaian were arrested for drinking alcohol in Saudi Arabia.


The three of them were dragged in front of one of the princes, who said:


“You will get 50 lashes for the consumption of alcohol. However, since you are foreigners and did not know about the ...

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

I asked Siri a joke, this was her response

In a faraway kingdom, a greedy young nobleman and his bodyguard went to the local wizard. The nobleman said, "Make my wish come true, or I shall have you arrested!"
"Fine," said the Wizard, "what do you want?"
" want to be sat upon the throne forever, to be clad in the finest velvet, and to br...

A man was arrested for punching a librarian today.

I hope they throw the book at him.

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

A farmer was taking a nap under grains and was arrested for perjury

For lying under oats

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A Zoologist was arrested for living with Lemurs.

She was part of a conspiracy.

Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his tick tock blew up…

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

I got arrested for indecent exposure.

They let me off with a lack of evidence.

Just got arrested for blowing up my school’s toilets.

I mean, what did you really expect, building a high school next to a Taco Bell?

Why was the murderer arrested at the party?

He brought some body with him.

My friends Victor and Timothy were arrested for bank robbery, but they are denying it.

They are claiming it’s a Vic Tim less crime.

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How is sex different from pizza?

You don't have to worry about getting arrested for having pizza in a public place.

Why was the pigeon arrested in Washington?

For its involvement in an attempted coo

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[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

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A doctor was arrested subsequent to having sex with a patient

His veterinary practice was promptly shut down

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

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A man who is aroused by going to courthouses and listening to verdicts is eventually arrested for masturbating during a public trial

They tried him, and he got off on a technicality

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad, one by one.

While they wait to be executed they come up with a plan. Right before they are to be shot, each one will yell that some natural disaster or emergency is happening to distract the soldiers and they would be able to escape.

The brunette is first. As she hears the captain counting down to 0 she...

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Why was the alcoholic mathematician arrested by the police?

Drinking and deriving

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

These Farmers got arrested!

Did you hear why the celery farmer got arrested?

For stalking

Did you hear about the hay farmer that got arrested?

He’s out on bail

Did you hear about the root vegetable farmer that got arrested?

He beet up his friend with a potato and didn’t carrot all.

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room

He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

A Russian man shouting

A Russian man is walking around on the Red Square and shouting "Brezhnev is an idiot! Brezhnev is an idiot!"


He gets arrested. The sentence comes: 25 years. 1 for disturbing the peace and 24 for unauthorized release of classified information.

Why did the chickpea get arrested?

He committed a Hummus-cide

A old woman was arrested on terrorism charges today

A elderly woman was arrested on terrorism charges at Heathrow airport today.

She had tried to bring a bomb onto a plane with her.

When questioned as to why she did such a thing she said she was deathly afraid of her plane being blown up by a terrorist and thought the chances of two bom...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

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