Convicted Jokes - 48 Hilarious Convicted Jokes

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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Why don't porn stars get convicted of any crimes?

Because they can always get themselves off.

A priest asks the convicted murderer in the electric chair

"Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

What happened to the fraction when it was convicted?

It was drawn and quartered.

Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men?

It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

Did you hear about the wrongly-convicted banana?

Don’t worry, he’s okay. He won on appeal

What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal?

An arm and a leg

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

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A convicted felon….

A convicted felon escaped from prison where he'd already spent 15 years of a life sentence. He broke into a local farmhouse in the middle of the night looking for food and money and while in there he discovered a young couple asleep in their bed. He woke them up violently and ordered the guy out of ...

A Major of the 18th battalion has been convicted in court

He didn't receive corporal punishment

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

News just in: Two men have been convicted of stealing a calendar

They both got 6 months

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

You know what makes a good gift for someone convicted of violence?

A salt lamp!

Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

A short man was just convicted of a felony and was going down the stairs with his lawyer and the deputies

His lawyer said, "you should have listened to me, stupid!"

I'm like wow - that's a little con descending.

A young man is convicted of forgery and arrives at prison…

While eating his lunch in an otherwise silent cafeteria, he hears an inmate say the number 47 followed by many inmates chuckling quietly. A few minutes later another inmate barks out 16 followed by a dirty snicker by a bunch of inmates. Then an inmate whispers 138 which produces a round of huge bell...

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty.

Confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using on two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first know case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Credit: This was a Colin Mochrie joke from an early Who's Line is it Any Way e...

My wife and I were convicted of paedophilia

The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Will Smith was convicted

They found fresh prints at the scene....

Sherlock was convicted for child molestation

A disgusted Watson visited him in prison, and said, "I cannot believe you were caught exposing yourself to a child in high school!"

"Elementary, my dear Watson..."

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A prisoner convicted of beastiality has escaped.

Recent reports confirm he's on the lamb.

In court I was convicted of constantly boasting about how attractive I am

I’m appealing.

If Fetty Wap is ever convicted of a crime...

He could change his name to ConFetty.

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

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Australia should hire WWE wrestlers to enforce sentencing on convicted sex offenders.

That way we can have Undertaker and Mankind throw Pell in a cell.

The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

I wanted to visit Australia

So I went to the embassy to get a visa.

The woman behind the counter asked if I'd been convicted of a crime.

I told her I didn't know that was still necessary.

A man was arrested for trying to attract crows to his garden.

He was convicted of attempted murder.

Bill Cosby may have been convicted, sentenced to prison, and end up bankrupt...

But at least he'll always have a roofie over his head.

Did you hear about the guy who was convicted for committing lewd acts on fruit at a grocery store? (Mildly NSFW)

He got off on a peel.

Many people are wrongly convicted. How will the judicial system improve?

By trial and error

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

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A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

On my job application. "Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" "No."

"Why?" "Good lawyers."

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LPT: If you've been convicted of a sex crime, change your name to offender.dll

Then no one will be able to find you in the registry.

I was applying for Australian citizenship, and the guy asks me "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"Does stealing a joke count?" I asked.

I heard The Joker just accidentally killed someone...

He was convicted of involuntary man's laughter.

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

Driving Questionnaire

A man had recently moved and was filling out forms at his local police station:

Q: Has your driver's license ever been suspended or revoked?

"No, never."

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a DUI?

"Oh yes, lots of times!"

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a driving...

Why didn't the movie ticket get convicted of both of its crimes?

It would only admit one.

Why did the crazy Mexican conductor get convicted for a crime?

...because he had Loco-Motive.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

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