One day at court, the prosecutor called the first witness to the stand, and in came a gossipy old woman
The prosecutor started by asking her, "Do you know who I am?"
The old woman replied. "Yes, you're John Kim, and I must say I'm very disappointed in you. You're greedy, you treat others like dirt, and you've been keeping a mistress for years! Of course I know who you are."
Why was the banana a good prosecutor?
She always made the defense slip up on appeal.
What did the doctor say to the prosecutor?
You're trying my patients!
50 Jokes for 50 US States Part II
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'
Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous va...
On a new year's Eve, in the court...
The judge says: Why are you here?
The person in the accused seat: I got some Christmas gift from the department store across the street.
The Judge looked at the prosecutor, puzzled: That's something good, what's happening here?
Prosecutor: He got the gifts 2 hours before...
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...
...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.
The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked:
“Where were you on the night of October to April?”
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn't it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor aga...
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the t...
A man from northern Alaska is on trial…
The prosecutor asks in a menacing tone, “Where were you in the night from October to April?”
I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.
USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.
This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.
A man in rural Arkansas ...
is brought before a judge for his preliminary hearing.
"What is the charge, counsel?", the judge asks.
"Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives."
"You idiot," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."
A fighter pilot was arrested for attempting to set fire to his lover in bed
In court, the prosecutor asked him why on earth he would do such a thing.
The pilot met his eye and proudly declared:
"Sir, I am a highly decorated fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years. We get called Red Caps.
I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.
I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall. Turned quite violent.
I got bruised and worse.
I'm on Trial for Murder
The prosecutor says to me while I'm on the stand, "Did you kill that man?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"
I said, "Yeah it's a lot less than the penalty for murder."
I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.
Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.
what's a pirate's least favorite letter?
this is the federal prosecutor's office, informing you that you've been convicted and charged on seven counts of piracy
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Ron Jeremy was arrested for sexual assault
Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court. Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.
[Long] A young couple notices that their son appears to be unwell.
They decide it would be best to first check their son’s temperature. The mother quickly grabs a thermometer from the medicine drawer. Upon checking her son’s temperature, she is able to confirm a fever indicating that he is indeed sick, and is able to promptly cure him of his illness. “Thank goodnes...
I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen accused of burglary.
"All rise", said the Judge, "Please state your name and role for the record"
"Adam James, prosecutor"
"Sarah Connoley, public defender"
"Timmy Larson, I -um- I'm the one who broke into the liquor store"
A cannibal is on trial for murder and cannibalism...
He's called up to the witness stand and the prosecutor asks him if he pleads guilty or innocent. "Innocent!" he says. The prosecutor asks him to prove it. The cannibal answers, "Well, you are what you eat, right? So I am an innocent man!"
What does it say on a dyslexic No Trespassing sign?
Prosecutors will be Violated!
A man was recently murdered at an ice factory
The prosecutors said it was a cold blooded killer.
When Jehovah's witnesses knock on my door...
I just tell them "Sorry, I'm Jehovah's Prosecutor and shouldn't be talking with you."
A lawyer and your client have a meet.
The client has a proposal.
If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.
The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! On...
I got summoned for jury duty today...
When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.
Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".
I find you guilty. You are sentenced to ten years, Take him away boys.
Prosecutor mutters, "Poetic Justice"
I can't believe I got arrested, just for indulging in a bit of horseplay.
Although the prosecutor is calling it 'bestiality'.
A depressed man walks into a lawyer’s office...
“I’ve been accused of stealing!” he exclaims. “They day I stole canned ham from the back of a delivery truck. But I’m innocent!” “Alright,” the defense attorney says. “I’ll take your case. But it’ll cost you $5000.” “I’ll pay you $2500 now, and pay the rest after the trial,” the man says. ...
Wells Fargo is taken to court by the US government...
...for secretly opening accounts for their customers. Right before the case the governement prosecutor suddenly goes missing. The government suspects that they have an unaccounted sollicitor on account of unsollicited accounts.
It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.
“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.
“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”
“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”
The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...
(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.
The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty. Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!" The judge replied: "Temporary insanity". To which...