Suspicion Jokes - 74 Hilarious Suspicion Jokes

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I have a suspicion that my wife keeps covering my antique weapons in glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder

A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

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A father has a suspicion that his son might be gay

Before I tell the joke I don't mean to offend anyone and if anyone finds it offensive I'll remove it right away

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A father one day catches his son listening to liza minnelli and he says "son, you know typically homosexual men listen to liza minnelli. Son, are you a homosexu...

I had my suspicions that my girlfriend is a ghost

I had my suspicions that my girlfriend is a ghost

I knew the minute she walked through the door

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her a...

Indian army have arrested a pigeon - on suspicion of being a Pakistani spy

Apparently he was trying to stage a coo

I have a suspicion that the Quasimodo guy from Notre Damn has something on his back.

It's just a hunch.

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I have my suspicions my vet might be gay..

I can tell just from looking at him he's seen a cockatoo.

there was a suspicion of university diploma forgery

There was a suspicion of university diploma forgery. The police went to investigate that. "There was no proof that any crime was commited," said the police officer, John Brown J.D., M.D., B.D., Ph.D.

There are suspicions the coronavirus may have been transmitted to humans from poultry.

Investigators think it may have originated inside eggs.

They are now scrambling to confirm if that's true.

So police are investigating a korean man on suspicion of murdering his wife..

He is the seoul suspect of the case.

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A man is being hunted by police on suspicion of bestiality following allegations that he has been engaging in sexual acts at Chester Zoo.

He was last seen ~~getting~~ sliding into a Jaguar.

I was arrested on my way to school today on suspicion of being a terrorist

Turns out I bombed the test

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The faithful soldier

One day an army general suspects that his platoon of 100 men are all having sex with his lovely wife. So one night he decides to see if he is right in his suspicions. While his wife is sleeping he gets up and puts in a anti cheat device inside of his wife’s private part. It’s in the shape of a tiny ...

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

"Where are you going?", asks the wife with suspicion when the husband tries to sneak out late at night. "Uhm, I'm going to... my lover."

"Liar!", she yells. "You're going to look for Pokémons, aren't you?"

A man is pulled over on the suspicion of drunk driving.

The officer comes up to the window and says "Son, I'm going to need you to take a breathalyzer test."

The man says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I can't do that."

"And why is that?"

"Well, you see sir, I'm an asthmatic. Blowing into one of those things would cause me to have an attack."...

Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

I’ve always suspected my girlfriend was a ghost.

These suspicions started every since she walked through the door.

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing

So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, “Can you hear me, my love?” But she didn’t respond.

So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, “Can you hear me, sweetie?”

When she didn’t say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and a...

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

I was taught to forgive but never forget

So now I walk around full of resentment and suspicion but don't remember why.

I think I'm doing it wrong.

There’s only one thing I can arouse

Suspicion

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple Tree.

A farmer’s wife had an affair with a Maple tree. She was ashamed of her actions but her husband was always so busy with his farm work and rarely had time to tend to her needs. Once she became pregnant, the farmer had his suspicions, but after the baby was born, he was all but convinced the child was...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

Three Men are Arrested...

Three men are arrested on suspicion of bank robbery. The Chief of Police is waiting for the file, which a young Sergeant brings him. "So, who are the perps?" The Chief asks, as the Sergeant looks at the files. "Victor Hammon, Timothy Rogers, and Lesley Arrane." The Sergeant replies.

The Chie...

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

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Sporting Chance

Mr Corporate Businessman thinks his wife may be having an affair, so one day he decides to go home early to confirm his suspicions.

Sure enough, he finds his wife in bed with a fit, young tradesman.

Shocked but without hesitation, he calmly heads to his wardrobe to reveal a fully loade...

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I have a habit of reading when I am travelling via train.

This one journey I was reading *Mein Kampf*.

Suddenly this one lady in the cabin caught sight of the title and immediately started a ruckus. She snapped at how inappropriate it is for someone in the modern age to read that regressive book. She even went on to call me a Nazi and continued rebu...

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

A Scotsman was competing in the highland games...

Carothers had a few pints after the caber toss and wanted to take a nap before all the dancing started. So he headed out to the woods and found a nice meadow to take a wee snooze.

Two young and beautiful lasses were picking flowers in the meadow when they stumbled upon him. Being curious on...

Yo Mama so ugly...

She can't even arouse suspicion.

Zwei Gin Bitte!

During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.

To test their knowledge they enter a pub.

Spies: "Two gins, please!"

Bartender: "Dry?"

Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!

The bacon tree.

Juan and Carlos have been stranded in the desert for 2 days. They are on the verge on dying of thirst when Juan sees something in the distance.

He gets closer to confirm his suspicions - off in the distance is an incredibly juicy bacon tree. "Mira!!" (Look!) "Carlos! Up ahead, it's a bacon t...

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Daring strategy

After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gay. I’m going to make tons of chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when they haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!

I’ll get their boyfriends!

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

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Three men all suffer an untimely death on the very same day.

They all wind up in purgatory and each has a sneaking suspicion that they will unfortunately end up in Hell for their various evil deeds committed on Earth. As this thought occurs to each of them, Satan suddenly appears before the three men. Much to their delight, Satan offers each of them one final...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employ...

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"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.

One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting of...

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[NSFW] Tow best friends where on a skiing trip together with their wives.

During the after ski, the men decide it would be a good idea to go to bed with each others wives. The men whom had been drinking both though this was a fantastic idea. They both agreed to make a competition out of it. Whom could make the others wife climax the most times wins.

Not to draw su...

Of moms and ladels

A mother visits her son for Thanksgiving and is suprised to find out he has a female roommate named Jennifer. Despite her suspicions, the two assure the mother that they are just friends. After the mom leaves, the ladle disappears. The young man emails his mother the following:

Dear Mom,
...

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There are three men standing at the gates of heaven

Each of them must describe the way they died before entering.
The first man says, "Well, I had a suspicion that my wife might be cheating on me, so I came home early to our apartment to catch them in the act. At first, I'm walking around and I don't see anything. However, when I walk over to the ...

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A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

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A joke for the older generations

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ...

2 Women Meet In Heaven

Woman 1: So how did you die?

Woman 2: I froze to death.

Woman 1: That sounds horrible, I'm so sorry.

Woman 2: It really wasn't that bad after a while I just got really
warm and went to sleep. So how did you die?

Woman 1: I just had this strange suspicion that my h...

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A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other

A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other doing chores and caring for his land.

By noon just as he was enjoying lunch, a black government car comes rolling down the road. A few agents get out and slowly approach him.

“We are to perform a search of your premises on sus...

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

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This man walks to the pet store to buy a parrot.

The guy at the store says, "I only have one parrot, and he talks and all, but he has no legs."

"No legs!" says the man. "How does he hold up on the perch?"

"It's actually quite ingenious: he hooks his dick around the base of it."

The man is quite impressed and he takes the legle...

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

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Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying.

Confused, Peter says, "What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"

The first man says, "I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the co...

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Three men were patiently waiting in line to get into heaven.

When they finally got to Saint Peter, the angel said to them: "We're only admitting one out of every three souls right now due to overcrowding. Whoever has the most tragic death of you three will be getting in today."

Saint Peter turns to the first man and asks him how he got here.
The man...

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

An elderly woman went into her back yard to garden one afternoon when she noticed a large gorilla in a tree...

In a state of panic she ran inside and opened up the phone book and went to G's. Sure enough, she found gorilla extraction.

When the extractor showed up, he went into the back yard and saw the gorilla, eyeing them both out of suspicion.

The extractor went back to his truck and pul...

Hard candy

At the horse races, the inspector observes that a coach is giving something to one of the horses.
Inspector:
- What is this pill?!
- This is just some hard candy. I eat them, and this horse likes them as well. Want to try?
- Well, why not...
Before the start of the race the coach tell...

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The Emperor's New Samurai

(Please excuse any historical inaccuracies) The Emperor's chief samurai had been recently slain in battle, leaving the Emperor in desperate need of a new chief to lead his men into battle.

The Emperor proclaims that any samurai who seeks audience with him will be granted 10 seconds to prove ...

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Three men arrive at heaven…

Prior to entering they must each tell their story separately on how they died as the greeter of the gates likes to hear the stories, good or bad. The first man proceeds to tell his story.

“ I arrived home from work early because I’ve had the suspicion that my wife has been cheating on me. As ...

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