UPJOKE
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To everyone suffering from paranoia, let me just tell you:

You are not alone.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

A farmer and a necromancer sit in a bar and lament their suffering

Famer: raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: not if they're buried close enough to each other. With planning and skill, a single spell is all it takes

Farmer: what?

Necromancer: what?

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

There are hints my grandfather is suffering from declining vision. I heard he was walking along the side of the road and walked right into a fixed object.

It might be a sign.

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what did the Indonesian man suffering from explosive diarrhea say on August 27th 1883

"CRAPATOA"

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

Wife donating many of her clothes to the suffering poor.

Told her, 'if your clothes fit them, they can't be suffering that badly'.

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity, a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he w...

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

My doctor told me I am suffering from Hypochondria.

I said "Oh Jesus, not that as well!"

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm suffering from deja vu

Didn't I see you yesterday?

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

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The woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from...

...knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?”,

asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not ...

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

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The farmer, the pig and the monkey

A farmer wanted to enter his pig in the biggest pig competition at the county fair and he figured if he shoved a cork up the pigs ass the pig couldn’t shit and it would just grow and grow.
He decided to test this out on 3 different pigs, corking them for 3 months, 6 months and 1 year respective...

Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away after suffering from a short illness.

He had Dwarfism

Three explorers get abducted by cannibals

While on an excursion on the amazon river deep in the jungle three explorers are surrounded and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought before the tribal leader.

He looks at the first and says, "we're going to dine on your flesh, we're going to use your bones to make tools, an...

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.

These days she just goes through the motions.

If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed....

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

Police are asking for help in solving a recent string of burglaries. The perpetrator, apparently suffering from IBS, does #2 on the kitchen floor before escaping.

So far they have no firm leads.

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

Marriage is a three-ring circus.

\- engagement ring

\- wedding ring

\- suffering

I went to a group therapy meeting for those suffering from the imposter syndrome.

If they only knew that I did belong there.

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

Recently my dad's been suffering from seizures.

First it was the car, then the house, then the boat.

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got back from seeing my therapist. He says I'm suffering from paranoia," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, man, that's nothing to be ashamed of. You're not alone," the bartender consoles him. "They're always watching."

My next door neighbor is a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s

Every morning at 9 AM he knocks on my door and asks me if I’ve seen his wife.

Which means every morning at 9 AM I have to explain to a 90 year old man suffering from Alzheimer’s that his wife has been dead for several years.

I could move. I could just not answer the door. But it’s wo...

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

Doctor: 'I'm afraid, Mr Smith, that you are suffering from hypochondria’

Mr Smith: 'Oh god, not that as well!'

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

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I am suffering from both delayed ejaculation and incontinence.

So I can neither come or go.

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

I feel terrible for people suffering from vertigo.

They don't know what's up.

What is the favourite move of a chess player suffering from OCD?

*double-check*

Doctor: I'm afraid your body is suffering from a magnesium problem

Patient. 0MG!

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

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Mike does not feel too well.

He feels tired and stressed all the time.

"Go to the doctor", said his wife.

At first, he ignored his wife, but after a week of suffering, he finally decided to come. The doctor asked him a lot of questions.

"What do you eat for breakfast?", he asked.

"Eggs, toast with bu...

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

A patient suffering from dementia is rolled into ER.

Doctor asks : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Patient answers : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

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If I am in a room with Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Benito Mussolini....

Then I am probably suffering from Schizophrenia.

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After many years of sadness and suffering, I tearfully buried my loving wife today.

She insisted that she wasn't actually dead, but that bitch told lies.

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

Russian literature is built on suffering.

Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece.

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

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During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."

Optometrist

After several months of “gentle encouragement” from my partner, I finally went to see the eye doctor.

First she did a pressure test, blowing a puff of air into each eye and carefully observing my responses on a monitor.
Then she examined each eye with the little hand-held lights.

Th...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

Doctor: Sir, I think you are suffering from amnesia

Man: Yeah, and I think that girl over there likes me
Doc: Yeah, she's your wife

The Bad News - I've been suffering from chronic Insomnia

The Good News - Only 2 more sleeps until Santa arrives.

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

What is the difference between being a vegan and suffering from the novel coronavirus?

In the case of COVID-19, the loss of sense of taste is only temporary.

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My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia.

Well he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\...

Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll

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A dying man's last wish

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom...

I just opened my own kosher hot dog stand in my neighborhood but business is suffering even though I've been told it's to die for.

So please support your local businesses and come on down to Anne's Franks. You won't regret it!

What did the person who found Stalin dead after suffering from a stroke say?

That’s gonna leave a Marx

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