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Suffering Jokes

To all those suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

My doctor told me that I was suffering from paranoia

He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

To everyone suffering from anxiety: you are not alone!

There's someone behind you.

Why are so many New Yorkers suffering from depression?

Because for them, the "light at the end of the tunnel" is New Jersey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested..

As he was getting arrested he kept saying “do you know who I am???”

Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.

It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.

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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur.

The churches in town were all suffering from a squirrel problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they certainly should not interfere with God’s will.

 
At the Baptist church, the squirre...

Doctor: I am afraid you are suffering from Tom Jones syndrome.

Patient: Is it common?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

You know, there was this IQ test designer suffering from the worst writer's block

He'd make decent progress, working out patterns like 'circle-3, triangle-2...' but no matter what, he always found himself going back to 'square-1'.

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

A man woke from a coma at the hospital after suffering a terrible accident

He began yelling "Doctor, please help! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor said, "That's because we had to amputate both your arms."

A farmer and a necromancer sit in a bar and lament their suffering

Famer: raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: not if they're buried close enough to each other. With planning and skill, a single spell is all it takes

Farmer: what?

Necromancer: what?

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm suffering from deja vu

Didn't I see you yesterday?

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?

Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well

What did the man suffering from dementia do?

He was looking for his phone while using the torch on his phone, so he can use the phone torch to help look for his lost glasses, that are on top of his head, so that he can see the phone screen clearly.

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...

I've been suffering from amnesia...

Or was it dyslexia?

All I know is that I can't remember it and I sure as hell can't spell it.

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

If you are suffering from acute depression, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed....

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."

Recently my dad's been suffering from seizures.

First it was the car, then the house, then the boat.

I'm $20 away from ending my sick mother's suffering

Should cost that for a decent soundproof pillow

Russian literature is built on suffering.

Either the character suffers, the author suffers, or the reader suffers. If all three are suffering, then it's considered a Russian masterpiece.

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.

Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

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The woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from...

...knee pains.

“Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?”,

asked the doctor.

“Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style.”

“I see,” said the doctor. “You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?”

“Not ...

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My doctor said I am suffering from paranoia and constipation

I'm scared shitless

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I feel terrible for people suffering from vertigo.

They don't know what's up.

Q: My doctor asked if anyone in my family is suffering from mental illness...

A: I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it”.

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I am suffering from both delayed ejaculation and incontinence.

So I can neither come or go.

Doctor: 'I'm afraid, Mr Smith, that you are suffering from hypochondria’

Mr Smith: 'Oh god, not that as well!'

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

A patient suffering from dementia is rolled into ER.

Doctor asks : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Patient answers : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away after suffering from a short illness.

He had Dwarfism

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A man was suffering from constipation and has not been able to shit for several days

He told his friend about his condition who advised him to get a certain laxative at the pharmacy. His friend warned him that the lacative was very powerful and he should take it in small doses.

The man goes to the nearest pharmacy to his house after work and asks for the medecine. The pharmac...

Doctor: Sir, I think you are suffering from amnesia

Man: Yeah, and I think that girl over there likes me
Doc: Yeah, she's your wife

I'm currently suffering from laziness

So I'm gonna try and sleep it off for the next few days.

I'm suffering from deja moo.

It's the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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They're making a movie about a Scotland yard inspector suffering from chronic constipation ...

... titled, No Shit Sherlock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back t...

I went to a group therapy meeting for those suffering from the imposter syndrome.

If they only knew that I did belong there.

What is the favourite move of a chess player suffering from OCD?

*double-check*

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

The Bad News - I've been suffering from chronic Insomnia

The Good News - Only 2 more sleeps until Santa arrives.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake!

I feel bad for my neighbor the lawyer. She seems to be suffering from occupational burnout.

These days she just goes through the motions.

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After many years of sadness and suffering, I tearfully buried my loving wife today.

She insisted that she wasn't actually dead, but that bitch told lies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person is suffering from obesity

Doctor: You are suffering from obesity and if proper care is not taken you'll face many diseases in future

Patient: it's alright it runs in our family

Doctor: No one runs in your family you fat fuck!

I put Whiskers down today. It was time to end the suffering.

I'm not that sad about it though. It was a dumb name for a kid anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suffering from a mineral deficiency? The only mineral you're going to need,

is some cocktanite

My wife told me today that she's suffering of depression.

I said "I think it's contagious because whenever I'm around you I wanna kill myself too."

What is the difference between being a vegan and suffering from the novel coronavirus?

In the case of COVID-19, the loss of sense of taste is only temporary.

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.

They are calling it Alexa Pro.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

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