UPJOKE
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Sorrow Jokes

A man walks into a bar to drink his sorrows away

Upon getting seated he is met by the bartender who shows him a magical 12 inch box, seating inside is a magical man playing the most soul touching piece on a mini grand piano.

Curious he asks the bartender, "wow where did you get this? What even is this?" The bartender told him there's a gen...

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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

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A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

A man goes to drown his sorrows after losing a trial. He exclaims, "All lawyers are scumbags!"

The man next to him says, "I take issue with that."

"Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a scumbag."

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A young Irishman was drowning his sorrow in a pub when the bartender asked what was wrong...

The young man explained that he had been madly in love with a neighbor girl for years but had been so afraid of her father that he never asked her out.

"Yesterday her father died and I finally saw my chance. I went and knocked on her door and asked if she would go out with me", he said.
<...

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A Scottish guy is sitting in his local pub drowning his sorrows in whisky.

He says to the barman "So you build 30 houses in the village and walk down the street do people say *'there goes McDougall the home builder'* no they don't!"

He waves for another whisky and continues "Then you save 4 children from a burning house and when you walk down the street do they say ...

I have often wanted to drown my sorrows...

I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

Two men are drinking away their sorrows...

In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.

A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartende...

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

Fishing……

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when ...

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Jim's wife recently left him so he goes to the bar to drowned out his sorrows.

He looks down the end of the bar and sees a woman crying. He thinks to himself "Misery deserves company." and goes over to talk. The woman doesn't want to get into her problems right away so Jim decides to talk about his own. "My wife left me after 20 years because she couldn't handle the kinky sex....

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A man walks up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” He groans.
“And my dictionary to boot!”

His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile.

“How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly a...

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Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

The Sun's Birthday

It's the Sun's birthday, so the whole Solar system is thinking about gifts. Earth, after thinking for a while, decides to gift the Sun the element Technetium, since it's a gift that no other planet could have given. The party goes by, and the Sun accepts the Technetium graciously and politely.
<...

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

and when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was extremely sorrowful, I’ve never seen a guy could cry like that.

I took a glance at him, but he didn’t noticed, he just kept repeating, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

So, I walked to him, and said, “Sorr...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

A lifeguard walks into a bar

A lifeguard walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey fella, you're in the wrong place. These people aren't in any danger. They're just drowning their sorrows."

A men on his deathbed was speaking to his wife

"Dear wife. As I'm going to leave I need to make some confessions to you. You remember the time we went camping? I cheated on you with the hippies next tent."

"Oh Darling" answers the wife with a sorrowful face "I suspected it but it is forgiven."

The man continues "And when this nice ...

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

A bereaved widow goes to view her husband's body in the mortuary....

The mortuary assistant opens the casket, and bows his head solemnly. Upon seeing her husband, the widow starts crying huge tears and wailing loudly. The assistant quickly moves to comfort her.

Still wailing, the widow explains that she can't bear to see her husband wearing a suit. In life he ...

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

Feeling a bit depressed lately, a friend came over to cheer me up.

We sit and talk about things for awhile, but he's normally pretty awkward when conversation gets personal. Eventually, he gets up and walks to the other side of the room.

He grabs a bottle of scotch that I've been saving for a special occasion, so I ask him, "what are you doing? I don't thin...

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

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Is that a frog in your pocket …?

A man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally, he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and pulls a frog out of it.

‘Cute,’ says the woman. ‘Is that a pet?’
...

Funny you should come to me…

A Jewish son comes home from university and tells his father, “Dad, after graduating from university, I have decided I can longer stay in the Hebrew faith, I’m a Christian now.”

Distraught the father goes to the rabbi of his synagogue and tells the rabbi, “I brought him up in the temple, we s...

Two Egyptians walk into a bar

"Where's your third friend?" Asks the bartender.

"He's gone to drink his sorrows down in the river." They replied.

"Oh no, is he depressed?"

"No, he's in De Nile."

Little Johnny discovers a lamp when cleaning Dave's house

It was quite dusty so little johnny decided to give it a rub.


Poof! Emerged the genie.


Genie: My child. You have ended my sorrow. I give you one wish.

Johnny: I want a space elevator.

Genie: I would love to grant that but infact its too much work even for me.
<...

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

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A drunk’s struggle

A man has been sitting at a bar drinking his sorrows away all night. The bartender notices the guy’s state of intoxication and decides it’s time to cut him off for the night.

“I won’t serve you anymore tonight” says the bartender.

“That’s fine” says the drunk as he stumbles out the f...

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A veterinary student is taking an important exam, and it's come to such a point that him passing or not passing depends on the last question.

The question is "How to perform an abortion in a domestic goat?".

Unfortunately, the student doesn't know the answer and fails the exam. Afterwards he goes to a bar to drown his sorrows.

When he comes there, the bartender asks him:

- You seem to have something on your mind. How...

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls do...

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

An old man in tears

A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"

The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"

Confused, the ...

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

A friend lent me his movie collection...

I thought of watching Yesterday today, then 28 Days Later. Then I could watch The Day After Tomorrow, though that might be better tomorrow. I'd like to finish before sunrise. I haven't finished Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen Me Before You before, but I think I won't watch it; I'll watch It inste...

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Mickey Mouse was at the bar...

....drowning his sorrows in a beer. The bartender says, "Hey Mickey. It's not so bad if Minnie is a bit strange and acts silly." Mickey looks up and says, "You asshole, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

Some people go to the gym to get big

Who needs that when I can just carry the weight of my burdens and sorrows all day

The solution

“What the hell, are you insane?!”

“What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”

“Yes, Roger, but this was my mother!”

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

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A German sits alone in a bar, drinking, when a Korean walks in...

A German sits alone in a bar, drinking his sorrows away when a Korean walks in and sits right next to him. The German lets out a deep sigh in anticipation of the gloating.

Korean guy: “Let’s not talk about soccer, alright?”

The German looks up: “Oh... ok! That would be nice for a chang...

We love Alcohol so much...

If something good happens, we drink to celebrate it.
If something bad happens, we drink to forget it and drown our sorrows.
If nothing happens, we drink to make things happen.
We need to do something about this problem my fellow friends, Please can we meet for a drink and discuss this?

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing at the end of the path, as he had done at the close of every day for the last 73 turnings of the Earth. Never farther, for it was as far North as he ever went, and he came this far only to pour out his sorrows to the fin...

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McDoogle walks into a bar.

He starts ordering several shots to drown his sorrows. He says to the bar keep you know when someone builds houses does anyone say there goes McDoogle the house builder? No they don’t. McDoogle downs another shot and orders another. He takes the glass in his hand and says when someone rescues childr...

A motorcyclist is in an accident.

He wakes up in the hospital to find a doctor at his bedside.

"Oh good, you are awake" the doctor says. "Listen, you have been in a motorcycle accident. It was pretty severe."

"How severe?" the man asks.

"Well, to that end there is good news and bad news. Which would you prefer?...

So, there was a Horse, a Sheep and a Chicken and they lived in a barn

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out ...

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A joke for the older generations

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ...

Art of Living

Husband comes home from ART OF LIVING session
He greets his wife and lifts her and carries her around the house with a smile

Wife is so surprised and she asked:
Did guruji preach something about being romantic today?

Husband said:
No guruji told us that
"we must carry our b...

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A Safe Death

A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.

Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Ne...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Sasquatch

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints.

Other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when ...

Geoff went to the psychiatrist

He's very nervous and clearly embarrassed, so the psychiatrist allows him time to settle and asks what the problem is.

Geoff answers "I know it's ridiculous, but all my life I've been afraid of there being monsters under my bed. It started when I was 5 but I just never got over it. I'm 40 yea...

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A veterinary student is having an exam.

Unfortunately, he is in grave danger of failing.

Thankfully, the professor likes him, so he decides to ask the student a bonus question - if he answers correctly, he passes, if not, then he fails.

The professor asks the student: "Can you tell me how to perform an abortion on a goat?"<...

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An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

A man walks into the vet with his dog in his arms... [Long]

He brings the dog up to the counter and says "I need to see a vet, my dog won't wake up!" So the secretary brings him to an inspection room and he says the same thing to the vet "My dog won't wake up, he's been like this since yesterday!". The vet inspects the dog and can conclude only one thing. "S...

Ducks [long]

Three men died at the same time and went up to heaven together. They met Saint Peter who gave them one warning before he let them through the pearly gates. “We only have one rule in heaven, don’t step on a duck.”

The three men were slightly confused but thought “how hard could that be?” ...

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Inflatable boy

There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

The inf...

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Wall Street stockbroker loses millions in one day....

So he decides to go to the bar after work to drown his sorrows. He ends up getting really drunk and pukes all over his suit. He's worried his wife will be pissed when she wakes up the next morning and finds his smelly, vomit soaked clothes. His friend at the bar explains, "Dude, don't worry that ...

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

Ghostly photos...

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains....

An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...

Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.

"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and de...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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A man is looking to buy a Canary for his wife...

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file t...

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So one day, I'm crossing the road...

and all of a sudden, a huge chicken starts walking beside me and introduces itself by saying "Hi, I'm Chicken Hu". I'm thinking "Holy shit, a talking chicken". I ask Chicken, I say "Hi Chicken, where are you from?". He says, "I was born in San Francisco". Surprised, I say "No, but where are you actu...

The man who loved tractors

A while ago, there was this man living in Devonshire called Paul. He lived in the rural areas and LOVED tractors. Big ones, small ones, long ones, short ones, red ones, green ones, grey ones, you name it. He was also a member of the Tractor Society, which would put out a magazine every month.
...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

Jesus is wandering through the desert

Jesus is wandering through the desert, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.

Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble ...

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

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