It is with great sorrow that I tell you that My friend passed away

His last words were, "I think that the Chinese gov-"

What do you call a tree who shows sorrow for a fallen loved one?

Mourning wood.

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing...

The man hobbled as he walked up to the Talking Tree on the edge of the clearing at the end of the path, as he had done at the close of every day for the last 73 turnings of the Earth. Never farther, for it was as far North as he ever went, and he came this far only to pour out his sorrows to the fin...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

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A Scottish guy is sitting in his local pub drowning his sorrows in whisky.

He says to the barman "So you build 30 houses in the village and walk down the street do people say *'there goes McDougall the home builder'* no they don't!"

He waves for another whisky and continues "Then you save 4 children from a burning house and when you walk down the street do they say ...

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

In 1845 Dublin a ridiculously large number of beer kegs broke and flooded the streets in total about 10 people died by trying to drink it

Talk about drowning your sorrows

As I stood infront of the mirror, combing my hair to one side, I couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow.

Two Egyptians walk into a bar

"Where's your third friend?" Asks the bartender.

"He's gone to drink his sorrows down in the river." They replied.

"Oh no, is he depressed?"

"No, he's in De Nile."

I have often wanted to drown my sorrows...

I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

So a cow is watching someone play guitar on TV

He says "I wanna learn to play like that." and he goes to a music teacher, and asks him to teach him the guitar. "Well, it might be difficult, but I think I can teach a cow to play guitar."

A month goes by and the cow has mastered the guitar. A chicken walks by and hears the cow playing, and ...

Two men are drinking away their sorrows...

In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.

A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartende...

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The crab and the lobster

One there was a crab called David and a lobster called Lucy and they were very much in love.

One day, Lucy comes running to David, crying her eyes out.

“What’s the matter?” David asks.

“It’s my father, the King. He’s banned me from ever seeing you again!” cried Princess Lucy....

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The Tale of the Animal Band

So there was this horse, and recently he had gone through some tough times. His wife left him, he lost his job, and rent day was coming ever closer. This is when he had a brainwave: He was going to get his childhood band back together. So the first member to convince was the cow. Now the cow was pre...

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Jim's wife recently left him so he goes to the bar to drowned out his sorrows.

He looks down the end of the bar and sees a woman crying. He thinks to himself "Misery deserves company." and goes over to talk. The woman doesn't want to get into her problems right away so Jim decides to talk about his own. "My wife left me after 20 years because she couldn't handle the kinky sex....

A vet, a banker and a barber walk into a bar.

After a few drinks the banker gloomily says:

“although business has been booming most of the funds have beent going to my cats medication, sadly Bartholomew got run over by a blue honda; i wish i could of seen the driver and give him what he desreves”

With the drinks opening them up t...

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

A friend lent me his movie collection...

I thought of watching Yesterday today, then 28 Days Later. Then I could watch The Day After Tomorrow, though that might be better tomorrow. I'd like to finish before sunrise. I haven't finished Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen Me Before You before, but I think I won't watch it; I'll watch It inste...

A motorcyclist is in an accident.

He wakes up in the hospital to find a doctor at his bedside.

"Oh good, you are awake" the doctor says. "Listen, you have been in a motorcycle accident. It was pretty severe."

"How severe?" the man asks.

"Well, to that end there is good news and bad news. Which would you prefer?...

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A horse at a barn sees a music video...

...and decides he wants to play the guitar so he calls a local music shop: "Hey, I'm a horse but I want to play the guitar. Do you think you can help me?" Shop owner replies: "Sure, come on over, we'll get you a guitar and teach you how to play it." So the horse spends weeks and weeks learning how t...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

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A drunk’s struggle

A man has been sitting at a bar drinking his sorrows away all night. The bartender notices the guy’s state of intoxication and decides it’s time to cut him off for the night.

“I won’t serve you anymore tonight” says the bartender.

“That’s fine” says the drunk as he stumbles out the f...

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

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McDoogle walks into a bar.

He starts ordering several shots to drown his sorrows. He says to the bar keep you know when someone builds houses does anyone say there goes McDoogle the house builder? No they don’t. McDoogle downs another shot and orders another. He takes the glass in his hand and says when someone rescues childr...

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out ...

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A German sits alone in a bar, drinking, when a Korean walks in...

A German sits alone in a bar, drinking his sorrows away when a Korean walks in and sits right next to him. The German lets out a deep sigh in anticipation of the gloating.

Korean guy: “Let’s not talk about soccer, alright?”

The German looks up: “Oh... ok! That would be nice for a chang...

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A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

Little Johnny discovers a lamp when cleaning Dave's house

It was quite dusty so little johnny decided to give it a rub.


Poof! Emerged the genie.


Genie: My child. You have ended my sorrow. I give you one wish.

Johnny: I want a space elevator.

Genie: I would love to grant that but infact its too much work even for me.
<...

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A man is looking to buy a Canary for his wife...

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file t...

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An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

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Mickey Mouse was at the bar...

....drowning his sorrows in a beer. The bartender says, "Hey Mickey. It's not so bad if Minnie is a bit strange and acts silly." Mickey looks up and says, "You asshole, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

What did the pirate say when he turned 81?

Nothing. He stood alone and sobbed uncontrollably, wishing that he could exchange all of his loot to get back the family and friends who all died long before him.

Unable to bear his sorrows for another lonely year, the old pirate kicked the stool out from underneath himself and smiled for the...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

&nbsp;

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

Ducks [long]

Three men died at the same time and went up to heaven together. They met Saint Peter who gave them one warning before he let them through the pearly gates. “We only have one rule in heaven, don’t step on a duck.”

The three men were slightly confused but thought “how hard could that be?” ...

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls do...

A man walks into the vet with his dog in his arms... [Long]

He brings the dog up to the counter and says "I need to see a vet, my dog won't wake up!" So the secretary brings him to an inspection room and he says the same thing to the vet "My dog won't wake up, he's been like this since yesterday!". The vet inspects the dog and can conclude only one thing. "S...

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A joke for the older generations

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ...

The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his ba...

We love Alcohol so much...

If something good happens, we drink to celebrate it.
If something bad happens, we drink to forget it and drown our sorrows.
If nothing happens, we drink to make things happen.
We need to do something about this problem my fellow friends, Please can we meet for a drink and discuss this?

Geoff went to the psychiatrist

He's very nervous and clearly embarrassed, so the psychiatrist allows him time to settle and asks what the problem is.

Geoff answers "I know it's ridiculous, but all my life I've been afraid of there being monsters under my bed. It started when I was 5 but I just never got over it. I'm 40 yea...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and.....

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's budd...

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A veterinary student is having an exam.

Unfortunately, he is in grave danger of failing.

Thankfully, the professor likes him, so he decides to ask the student a bonus question - if he answers correctly, he passes, if not, then he fails.

The professor asks the student: "Can you tell me how to perform an abortion on a goat?"<...

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So one day, I'm crossing the road...

and all of a sudden, a huge chicken starts walking beside me and introduces itself by saying "Hi, I'm Chicken Hu". I'm thinking "Holy shit, a talking chicken". I ask Chicken, I say "Hi Chicken, where are you from?". He says, "I was born in San Francisco". Surprised, I say "No, but where are you actu...

Jesus is wandering through the desert

Jesus is wandering through the desert, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.

Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble ...

The solution

“What the hell, are you insane?!”

“What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”

“Yes, Roger, but this was my mother!”

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A Safe Death

A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.

Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Ne...

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Inflatable boy

There was an inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school. While there, he finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.

The inf...

An old man in tears

A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"

The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"

Confused, the ...

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An old lady goes into a bank...

Coutt's Bank, to be exact, and asks to open an account. She is told, politely but coolly, that they are a very exclusive bank and have stringent requirements for prospective clients. "I know," she says. "May I see the manager, please?"

She is shown into the manager's office and repeats her re...

The man who loved tractors

A while ago, there was this man living in Devonshire called Paul. He lived in the rural areas and LOVED tractors. Big ones, small ones, long ones, short ones, red ones, green ones, grey ones, you name it. He was also a member of the Tractor Society, which would put out a magazine every month.
...

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Wall Street stockbroker loses millions in one day....

So he decides to go to the bar after work to drown his sorrows. He ends up getting really drunk and pukes all over his suit. He's worried his wife will be pissed when she wakes up the next morning and finds his smelly, vomit soaked clothes. His friend at the bar explains, "Dude, don't worry that ...

An american walks into a english pub ...

... before the dinner rush, sees that he is the only customer and goes to the publican.

"Excuse me sir! How much for a beer?" he asks the publican

"For you good sir. 2 Pence." He replies.

"2 PENCE! 2 PENCE! Wow that is really cheap. Okay how much for a toasted sandwich?"
...

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A Fresh College Graduate Celebrates In a Bar **Nasty**

A young man is celebrating his recent graduation from college with a few buddies in a bar. As the evening progresses, their drunkeness increases as well. Soon they notice an elderly lady sitting at the end of the bar, drowning her sorrows.

Eventually, one of his buddies dares him to go ov...

An Irishman visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer...

Old Seamus visits the doctor and is told he is dying of cancer and has only a few months to live. He calls his son and invites him to meet him at the pub where he delivers the sad news.

"But son," he says, "even on a gloomy occasion such as this one, 'tis our custom to drink to health and de...

A man walks into a bar...

As he enters, he notices the smallest person he's ever seen sitting up on the bar playing a tiny piano. Not wanting to offend he ignore's him and asks the bartender for a drink. After an hour or so drowning his sorrows the man asks the bartender for the rest room.

The bartender says: "It's i...

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with Sasquatch

Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of footprints.

Other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when ...

Ghostly photos...

An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains....

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

Art of Living

Husband comes home from ART OF LIVING session
He greets his wife and lifts her and carries her around the house with a smile

Wife is so surprised and she asked:
Did guruji preach something about being romantic today?

Husband said:
No guruji told us that
"we must carry our b...

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

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Tom, Dick and Harry

Tom, Dick and Harry were all childhood best friends, and they were attending the funeral of their late friend June, who had been killed earlier that month. It was a moving ceremony with the all three of them saying something.

After the service all three of them go to a wake and had a few drin...

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