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Stomach Jokes

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

A stomach said to the brain, “I am more clever than you are.” “How so?,” brain inquired.

I can tell when I am empty, you can’t.

Arabic Joke

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, the stomach of a bear...

... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

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A prostitute goes to see a gynecologist with severe stomach pains....

After she had stripped off and the doctor had examined her, he said "The issue is with your aviaries". She said "Don't you mean ovaries doctor?" He replied "No, there's been a cockatoo in there!"

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

There's an old saying that goes "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

So anyway I lost my surgical license today.

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

A man had a terrible stomach ache and rushed into the restroom

A janitor walked into his moaning and groaning. Concerned, he knocked on the stall and asked:
"What's the matter?"
The man replied:
"Solid, liquid, gas... maybe even some plasma..."

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

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A patient goes to the doctor to complain about her painful stomach

**DOCTOR:** Before going to my clinic, who else did you consult about your stomachache?


**PATIENT:** I consulted our village's medicine man first, sir.


**DOCTOR:** And what sort of *BULLSHIT* did the medicine man ask you to do?


**PATIENT:** He told me to go ...

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”


“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

Who do you call when your pet cricket has a stomach infection?

A gastro-entomologist!

My friend offered me some sheep stomach tacos...

I said "No, thanks. That sounds offal."

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I’m black toast intolerant.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

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A stomach was sad...

... because everything it tried to make turned out to be *shit*.

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

A man goes to the doctor to treat a stomach ache.

Doctor: Hello! How are you?

Man: I'm fine, thank you

Doctor: That'll be $250

Don't start writing on an empty stomach

use paper!

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

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A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner

table with his girlfriend's entire family. The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" th...

We are going to operate on Mike tonight for his stomach cancer.

Today is open Mike night.

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The physician says that the patient will need a rectal exam.

The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove.

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Peter"

The patient says, "My name isn't Peter"

The doctor says, "Mine is"

A man got worms in his stomach

He went to all the doctors available but non could give him the proper treatment so he decided to go to some wise old man , the man told him " simple , go and buy the sweetest watermelon you can buy , cut it in half and sit on it , Naked . So the leader of the worms would go down to taste the waterm...

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How come when a woman is pregnant, everyone rubs her stomach and says congratulations.

But no one rubs your balls and says good job?

There are 2 ways to a man’s heart. Through his stomach and through his pants.

So why not kill two birds with one stone and go for a creampie.

Why did the Cannibal logician get a stomach ache?

Someone he ate disagreed with him.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

My stomach looks exactly like it's supposed to ...

It's abnormal.

I could feel an exam in my stomach ....

It was kinda quizzy

Translated (badly) Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach...

Goulash is sitting and relaxing in the stomach, when suddenly a tequila falls in. He shrug it off and continue to relax, but after a while a rum falls in and join them.

He do some smalltalk but in general isn't much interested, so he continue to relax on his own. Then vodka falls in and joins...

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist

What do a stomach pump and an exorcist have in common?

They're both used to remove unwanted spirits from a body.

What language does a stomach speak?

Hungarian

How to kill worm in your stomach

Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

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Most important body part..

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who is in charge.

Brain said "I should be incharge because I run all the body's systems. So without me, nothing would happen"

Blood said "I should be incharge because I circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me y...

Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass?

Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes

What do you call it when someone can’t stomach being around a person with less than 10-toes?

Lack Toes Intolerant

If you have a six pack and get shot four times in the stomach, what do you have?

A Tupac

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

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You can never trust what your stomach is saying.

It's constantly making shit up.

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I can only cum on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

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My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell.

Either way, I'm so full of shit.

What’s the similarity between a man with an upset stomach and a list of ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

>!They both have a toot in common!<

A nacho enters the stomach

A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

Why do squirrels sleep on their stomachs?

To keep their nuts warm.

My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

Now he's got a beer belly.

How do you know when an Irishman has a stomach ache?

He’ll be Dublin over

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one?

It is better to write on paper

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster then a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still l...

What did the cop say when their stomach started growling?

Stop! You're under a vest.

My wife asked me if her stomach was flat

I said yea, the "L" is just silent

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A man with stomach pains went to the doctor's office.

The doctor recommended that he would take five suppositories, one each evening. The man asked the doctor what a suppository was. The doctor explained that suppositories are like pills but they go into the ass instead. The doctor proceeded to show him how to take the suppositories by inserting a supp...

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet. Patient: Really? What color?

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My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

A woman goes to the doctor

With an massive stomach ache.

"Ok", says the doctor, "please lie down on your back let me examine you". He proceeds to push her stomach with both hands and "BRAAAAB" she lets out a huge fart.

"Could you roll to the side" and she does as requested. The doctor presses down again and in...

Why was the lions stomach enormous?

Because he finally swallowed his pride

What did the stomach say to the burp?

If you're real quiet I'll let you out the back door.

My bloodline has a history of stomach problems.

Runs in the family.

What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry

She really loved that cat

"The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach"

... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.

A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."

Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"

Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out a...

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The old lady visits the doc with stomach problems...

An old lady in her 70s experiences some difficulty with her stomach and decides to visit the doctor. She tells the doctor that she thinks that she has the farts. The doctor frowns and subjects her to a full examination. After doing many tests, the doctor says, “Mam, congratulations, you are indeed p...

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clo...

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A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

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A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

The doctor prescribed him a course of suppositories to ease the pain and told him to come back in a week.

A week later he returns. The doctor asks him how the suppositories worked.

The guy says "they were absolutely useless. For all the good they did I may as well have just shoved them...

I had a stomach ache...

My SO asked what's wrong,
I said "I have a clog in my intestines"
she responds with "you need to stop eating shoes"

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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

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