My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

This just in: Michael Jackson stomach pump reveals he passed from food poisoning.

He had digested some 12 year old nuts

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

A fat woman was standing on the weighing scale while holding her stomach in.

“Um, I don’t think that’s going to help” said the husband.



To which the wife replies in a confused manner,
“Sure it does. How else I could see the numbers?”

Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.

You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops e...

What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI

He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.

My stomach is flat.

The L is silent. ..

They say the surest way to a man's heart is through his stomach

But I personally find it far more effective to go through his ribcage.

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

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I have butterflies in my stomach.

They were delicious.

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

To all of the single women out there, I on behalf of millions of other men agree that the slogan "a best way to a man's heart is his stomach"...

should not be interpreted by vegans.

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A pregnant woman was shot three times in the stomach.

She was pregnant with triplets, two girls and a boy, and each one was hit with a different bullet. Sadly, the mother died and the burden of parenthood was left to the father, all alone. About ten years later one of the girls came up to their father and said "Daddy, I was weeing and a bullet came out...

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A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner table with his girlfriend's entire family.

The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a lit...

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

How to kill worm in your stomach

Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand ...

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How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”

She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”

He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”

Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass?

Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes

Ben went for an interview and his stomach rumbles

“I Guess you didn’t eat lunch before you come here?” The interviewer said.

“No I am just hungry for success!”

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice ho...

My mother always used to say, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman...

...useless surgeon.

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

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A stomach was sad...

... because everything it tried to make turned out to be *shit*.

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet. Patient: Really? What color?

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Why do squirrels sleep on their stomach?

To keep their nuts warm.

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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

What language does your stomach speak?

Hungarian!

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Did you hear about the gang that smuggles viagra in their stomachs?

The cops are on the look out for a group of hardened criminals.

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The old lady visits the doc with stomach problems...

An old lady in her 70s experiences some difficulty with her stomach and decides to visit the doctor. She tells the doctor that she thinks that she has the farts. The doctor frowns and subjects her to a full examination. After doing many tests, the doctor says, “Mam, congratulations, you are indeed p...

Why there were no pharmacies in USSR?

Because you can’t take pills on an empty stomach

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

It wasn't when the bully called me a big fat doughboy that hurt as much as the punch in my stomach.

It left a big impression.

A woman is pregnant with triplets and is shot in the stomach 3 times...

The babies seem unharmed and she gives birth a few weeks later, 2 girls and a boy.

8 years later one of the girls comes to her crying and says she just peed out a bullet, so her mother explains what happened.

A year after that the second daughter comes to her crying, the mom asks why a...

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

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A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

The doctor prescribed him a course of suppositories to ease the pain and told him to come back in a week.

A week later he returns. The doctor asks him how the suppositories worked.

The guy says "they were absolutely useless. For all the good they did I may as well have just shoved them...

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I once swallowed two pieces of string and then tied them together in my stomach

I shit you knot

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

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When my wife is pregnant,her friend will touch her stomach and say "Congratz"

But my friend didn't hold my penis and say "Well Done"

Sexual equality you said eh?

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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

Why didn't the dyslexic bodybuilder workout when his stomach hurt?

He felt it was an Abd Omen

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies t...

"The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach"

... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.

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What do you call it when a male squirrel ejaculates onto a female squirrel's stomach?

Chestnut

What did the stomach say to the burp?

If you're real quiet I'll let you out the back door.

3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


...

A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."

Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"

Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out a...

Why is it bad to write on an empty stomach?

Paper works better.

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Its pretty annoying how women complain about having 1 baby in their stomach

I have like a million in my ballsack and im not complaining.

My bloodline has a history of stomach problems.

Runs in the family.

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Do you know why your stomach hurts when you're constipated?

No shit!

A pizza is laying in the stomach as it is joined by some beer

As more beer keeps coming, pizza asks beer: "What's going on?"
The beer says: "There's a party going on so there will be more."
The pizza gets excited about this and says: "A party eh? I think I'm gonna go and take a look!"

A man was stabbed in the stomach in an alley...

he was gonna punch him back, but he didn't have the guts.

I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs.

I think I've got indiegestion.

Two cowboys were riding their horses through the plains when they saw an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

See that Indian? One of the Cowboys said. "He can hear everything that's going on for miles around."
They rode up to him, and the Indian said, "white pickup. Four people in the front, six in the back. Big party."
"Wow" the other cowboy said. "You can tell all that from just listenin...

A nacho enters the stomach

A nacho enters the stomach, lays down near the duodenum and falls asleep. A chunk of pizza also arrives and falls asleep too. Then a shot of tequila joins and says: We're having such a party up there and you prefer to just sleep here? Get up, we're going back.

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Everyone always pets my pregnant wife's stomach and says 'congratulations'

but no one ever rubs my balls and says 'good job'.

What does an egg say when it gets punched in the stomach?

Oeuf!

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A man goes to the doctor with some stomach issues

After a quick check up the doctor prescribes him with two anal suppositories. The doctor tells the man that he will do the first one, but that the man will have to make other arrangements in four hours for the next. The doctor put his hands on the man shoulders and rammed the pill up him. The man wa...

Why was the lions stomach enormous?

Because he finally swallowed his pride

A man walks into a doctor's office with stomach problems

The doctor runs some tests and tells the man it can be solved, but he has to take a suppository once a day for two weeks. The doctor inserts the first one to show the patient how it is done.

The next day the man is trying to insert the medication, but is too squeamish to do it. So he asks hi...

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A farmer visits the doctor with an uneasy stomach.

He says to the doctor, "Doc, I've been havin' problems with my stomach. I've been throwin' up and havin' weird-lookin' shits."

The doctor replies, "Here, I know just the thing." He hands the farmer a bottle of suppositories. "Here," he said, "take two of these suppositories per day, at le...

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So, the organs of the digestive system were having a discussion over which organ was the best...

The mouth says:"I think I'm the best, because I can cut up food to small pieces with my sharp teeth,"

the oesophagus says:"But I think I'm the best, because I'm so muscular,"

the stomach says: "Well I think I'm the best, because I kill bacteria and break down food with my acid."
...

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A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.

Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he rep...

"Why your stomach is so big"..."I had a baby"

... for lunch.

I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach

and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.

Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa?

Because it can't be taken on empty stomach

Why did the cannibal have an upset stomach?

He ate someone who disagreed with him.

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A man with stomach pains went to the doctor's office.

The doctor recommended that he would take five suppositories, one each evening. The man asked the doctor what a suppository was. The doctor explained that suppositories are like pills but they go into the ass instead. The doctor proceeded to show him how to take the suppositories by inserting a supp...