What was the stomach's favorite thing to read?

Reader's digest

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My friends didn't anticipate upset stomach after eating at Barcelona.

Obviously, nobody expects the spanish indigestion.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

A Man's Logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine mont...

What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist

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A man says to his doctor: "Doctor plz I am so sick my stomach can't digest anything. If I eat meat, I poop meat; if I eat vegetables, I poop vegetables. What do I do?!"

Doctor: "Eat shit."

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I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

The pizza was waiting in the stomach..

The pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along.

Pizza thought, "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry."

Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza lets him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stopped hi...

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If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the way to a woman's vagina?

Oh sorry, I thought this was /r/AskReddit.

My mate got "Stella Artois" tattooed onto his stomach.

Now he's got a beer belly.

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I can only cum on my girlfriend’s stomach

My parents told me to ab-stain until marriage.

What language a stomach speaks?

Hungarian

I maintain my stomach tone by doing as many crunches as I can, every day.

(Usually either Nestle or Captain)

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

OC, I hope: After I swallowed a piece of string, my friends thought it would be impossible to tie it in my stomach.

An X-ray showed it’s knot.

Stomach finds out all organs are organizing to plot against it.

It turns to bladder and says: urine this?

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

So a doctor gives a guy a check-up, tries to take his heart beat, nothing, his heart is where his stomach is, his intestines where his lungs should be, and his liver where his stomach should be, i guess you could say his insides were...

Un*organ*ised

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When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach

Miraculously, her and all 3 babies survived. She had 2 girls and 1 boy.

Years later one of the girls runs up to her mother in shock. "Mom mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"

Shocked, the woman explains the story of what happened while she was pregnant.

The next day, the ot...

I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems.

Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.

What did the cop say when their stomach started growling?

Stop! You're under a vest.

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I had some really bad stomachs problems last night.

It was a real shitshow

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TIFU by letting my gf give me head while having an upset stomach

What happened after that was a shitstorm

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.

His condition is now stable.

Despite the fact that whenever I eat any products with wheat in I get stomach cramps, I still regularly enjoy consuming it.

You could say that I'm a gluten for pun-ishment.

Why did the hipster's stomach hurt?

He had indie-gestion.

My stomach is flat.

The L is silent. ..

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I have butterflies in my stomach.

I shouldn’t have eaten them.

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A woman pregnant with twins is in a bank when two masked men enter with shotguns, a shot goes off and the woman is hit in the stomach by two stray pellets in the crossfire.

The woman goes to the doctors and they tell her that the pellets hit the unborn infants but that they would be ok, they'll just naturally pass the pellets as they get older. Years pass and the now mother is approached by her daughter "Mom, Mom I was on the toilet and a pellet came out!" The mother t...

This just in: Michael Jackson stomach pump reveals he passed from food poisoning.

He had digested some 12 year old nuts

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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clo...

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

What do you call a Jewish person with a sour stomach?

an Acidic Jew

I'd been having some stomach issues, so I went to the GI

He said I should keep a bathroom journal, but I prefer to call it a log book.

A man walked into a hospital with 10 plastic horses in his stomach.

He started fidgeting, so the receptionist said: "hold your horses."

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand ...

To all of the single women out there, I on behalf of millions of other men agree that the slogan "a best way to a man's heart is his stomach"...

should not be interpreted by vegans.

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”

She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”

He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”

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A pregnant woman was shot three times in the stomach.

She was pregnant with triplets, two girls and a boy, and each one was hit with a different bullet. Sadly, the mother died and the burden of parenthood was left to the father, all alone. About ten years later one of the girls came up to their father and said "Daddy, I was weeing and a bullet came out...

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

How to kill worm in your stomach

Eat apples for 6 straight days and on the 7th day eat an orange instead , then the worm will come out of your stomach and ask " dude where's my apple???" then you take a baseball bat and beat him to death.

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What did the cannibal say to the other cannibal after his stomach started to rumble?

Fuck sakes........I shouldn’t have eaten that pizza man.

"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"

"I have to do that or daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

"That's not going to work."

"Why not?"

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

Why does each Jedi have a fat stomach and saggy ass?

Only a Sith deals in abs n glutes

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A stomach was sad...

... because everything it tried to make turned out to be *shit*.

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It's been 5 years with her and I still get butterflies in my stomach.

I guess she will never learn cooking.

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Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice ho...

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A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

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A woman heavily pregnant with twins gets shot twice in the stomach...

The woman survives and so do the babies, she eventually gives birth to a boy and a girl.

many years later the girl came running up to her mum "Mummy mummy, I was having a wee and a bullet came out" the mum told her not to worry and explained what happened.
She then sees her son with his he...

Ben went for an interview and his stomach rumbles

“I Guess you didn’t eat lunch before you come here?” The interviewer said.

“No I am just hungry for success!”

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

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How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

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Did you hear about the gang that smuggles viagra in their stomachs?

The cops are on the look out for a group of hardened criminals.

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet. Patient: Really? What color?

Why do squirrels sleep on their stomach?

To keep their nuts warm.

It wasn't when the bully called me a big fat doughboy that hurt as much as the punch in my stomach.

It left a big impression.

Why there were no pharmacies in USSR?

Because you can’t take pills on an empty stomach

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A man went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.

The doctor prescribed him a course of suppositories to ease the pain and told him to come back in a week.

A week later he returns. The doctor asks him how the suppositories worked.

The guy says "they were absolutely useless. For all the good they did I may as well have just shoved them...

"The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach"

... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.

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A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A man asks a blonde how many apples

can she eat on an empty stomach. The blonde replies "Four".

The man says, "No, you can only eat one. After that your stomach is not empty". The blonde gets excited and plans to ask the same question to her friend.


Blonde: How many apples can you eat on an empty stomach?


...

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I once swallowed two pieces of string and then tied them together in my stomach

I shit you knot

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The old lady visits the doc with stomach problems...

An old lady in her 70s experiences some difficulty with her stomach and decides to visit the doctor. She tells the doctor that she thinks that she has the farts. The doctor frowns and subjects her to a full examination. After doing many tests, the doctor says, “Mam, congratulations, you are indeed p...

What does a robber take for an upset stomach?

Klepto-bismol

Why didn't the dyslexic bodybuilder workout when his stomach hurt?

He felt it was an Abd Omen

A guy walks into the doctors office with a stomach ache

Doctor says :"Sir, you have worms in you intestines."

Patient freaks out :"what do I do doc?! Get them out of me!!"

Doc replies: "there is only one solution for that, get a watermelon, cut it in half and sit on it. Their leader will come down, taste it and tell the others to come out a...

What did the stomach say to the burp?

If you're real quiet I'll let you out the back door.

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When my wife is pregnant,her friend will touch her stomach and say "Congratz"

But my friend didn't hold my penis and say "Well Done"

Sexual equality you said eh?

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What do you call it when a male squirrel ejaculates onto a female squirrel's stomach?

Chestnut

My bloodline has a history of stomach problems.

Runs in the family.

3 cousins are together talking about their names. The first, a raven haired beauty, says "when my mother was pregnant a rose fell from a bush and landed on her stomach so she named me Rose".

The second, a beautiful blonde, says, "when my mother was pregnant a violet landed on her stomach, so she named me Violet".
She turns to the 3rd cousin, a small crippled girl in a wheelchair, "how did u get your name, Piano??".

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A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.

Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he rep...

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