If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

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A captain and his 2 crewmates survive a storm and...

They wake up at the beach of an island after a while crew gets hungry and starts to explore jungle hoping to find some food.
Suddenly captain and 2 men get caught by rapist cannibals.Leader of cannibals approach first crewmate and ask
" Makhook or death"
first men choose Makhook which he ...

What does it take to survive these days?

Masking your pain.

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.

This shows how toxic the media is.

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Like any other season

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

If you dropped a male and a female ant into water, which one survives?

The male, because it is bouyant

A man n northern Manitoba survived a bear attack using only a .22 pistol he had in case of emergencies

His friend that he shot in the knee was not as lucky

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..

..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.

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A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

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I want to see if this German joke survives translation

Two homeless dudes called Hans and Franz walk the street and see something brown on the street.

Hans says: Watch out - there is some poo.

Franz: says Nah - that is chocolate.

Hans takes a bite and says: definitely poo. You can even smell it.

Franz takes a bite as well: Ba...

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?

Every couple
-my 8yr old daughters riddle

Hope this joke survives Hindi translation

(please view comments from oldest first)

Me: dude my mom just told me that when I was very
Young I fell down from Qutab Minar (high rise
Monument)

Ram: Damn! Did you survive? You didn't die did you?!

Me: I don't remember, I was pretty young when this
...

Heard about a phone who survived a T-bone with a RAM.

The impact of the crash was so bad he suffered permanent memory loss.

the government is saying if you survived covid-19 they want your plasma

aint nobody finna take my TV

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

Historians have proved that people from every zodiac sign survived the Sinking of the Titanic

Except Leo

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

Now they're saying that if you survived COVID the government wants your plasma.

No sir, they ain't taking my TV.

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How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

A man was locked in a room with nothing but a calendar and a bed. How does he survive?

He eats dates from the calendar and drinks water from the springs of the bed.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

I have a lot of respect for people who can survive in the mighty jungle

But I guess, where there's a wim there's a weh

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

A Russian joke

An American, a Serbian, a Russian and a Greek are stuck in a falling airplane. There are only three parachutes there.

The American says “I am from the most important country. Let me jump, I am important.” The Serbian gives him a parachute and the American jumps.

Then the Greek says “I ...

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My favorite joke! It was a huge hit with my friends in germany, so i'm very exited to see what you think. I translated everything from german to english, so feel free to correct any mistake in the comments.

Being very annoyed by his female boss and co-workers, a guy tells his friend he dreams of a job where women are not allowed.



His friend thinks about it then says:

“I think you have two options, either you work as train driver or you work as a pilot, if you decide to work as tra...

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A man walks into a bar

And sees a huge sign behind the bar that says, "free drinks if you can complete the bar challenge". The man orders a beer and asks the bartender about the bar challenge. The bartender tells him that its a rigorous 3 step challenge that if you complete it you get all your drinks that night for free. ...

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There was a man who survived a tornado

He was being interviewed by the local newspaper. The reporter asked him if it sounded like a train coming, and the guy said “i don’t know, until right now I didn’t even know trains had sex”

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

A minister of a church meets with the church council

A minister of a church meets with the church council

The council says, “These are dire times. The church only has $5 million and we need about $10 million to survive”.

They all sit quietly, looking sad about this news. The minister then gets up and leaves the room.

The minister ...

Who is the only person who survives every disaster?

The movie camera-man.

How did the cannibal survive Coronavirus?

By the skin on his teeth.

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

To survive is to procrastinate death,

but in the end there is always a deadline.

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

All of the world leaders are on a plane, and it crashes, who survives?

The rest of humanity.

A homeless guy is on the road...

A homeless guy is on the road, thinking how he is going to die if doesn't get shelter soon.

He saves a lot of money he got from begging to buy a specific thing, according to him, is going to help him survive.

Finally, he buys a blue cake with lines, and shows it to anybody who came clo...

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

The vaccine's trial should be done on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe, if they don't the country is safe.

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An Irish family lives on a farm

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium.

When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK.

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

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3 men survive a plane crash in the jungle.

Paddy, an Irishman, Jock, a Scotsman, and Edward, an Englishman.
The three men band together and set off in search of civilisation. After many hours trekking through the jungle the men come across 3 rotting dead birds.
“I’m not eating that!” Says a disgusted Edward.
“Aye it’s covered in ...

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King of the Jungle will let one animal to fuck his wife the Lioness

The Lion invites every animal from the jungle and tells them : "Whoever jumps from this mountain and survives I will let him fuck my wife."

While every animal see one and other with confusion a loud Roar can be heard falling down from this mountain. It was a bear that fell down.

After ...

[LONG][INSPIRING] America: The land of opportunity

Good Read!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
...

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

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(Long & Dirty) A pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive a plane crash

So there is this plane crash above the Atlantic ocean and only the pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive. They manage to make it to an island and set up some little camp. After the first week, they realize that surviving is not enough. The pilot asks the stewardess: " Listen, I really need some s...

Why did the monk survive the cannibal's attack?

Because the cannibal didn't have a friar.

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A ship wreck onto a deserted island.

Two guys and a girl survive. Since they don't have anything to do all day besides eating and sleeping, they just have sex. Eventually the girl gets sick and dies. The two men don't know what to do with themselves anymore, so they keep having sex.

After a few days of sex, they feel guilty abou...

When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this...

Iran

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Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

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A man is riding a donkey in the desert with nothing but an endless bowl of fruit

He has all he needs to survive the journey but he starts to get horny. He decides his only option is to try and fuck the donkey. He tries and tries but the donkey keeps moving away every time.

Several days in he sees a beautiful, naked woman approaching him and his eyes widen- and so do hers...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.

But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time she was sitting next to a man.

When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and as...

G(old)

Carl went to Brazil leaving his little brother John to take care of his elderly mother and his beloved cat. Three months later he received a telegram: "Your cat died". Desolate, he called for details. After crying, I told John that this news is not given like this, that he should first have sent a t...

The Last Day

All arrivals in heaven must go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a...

Three guys are stranded on an island...

There's a white, black, and chinese guy that are stranded on an island together. Trying to figure out how to survive, they decide to divide up responsibilities. The white guy's job is to look for food and water. The black guy's job is to build shelter. And the chinese guy's job is to look for suppli...

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A man was in the woods and needed to pee

As he unzipped his jeans he saw something moving in the grass, not knowing it was a poisonous snake. When he went to get a closer look the snake jumped up and bit him on the dick. As he was screaming and panicking, his friend that was with him came to find out what happened.
“A SNAKE JUST BIT MY ...

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Oh,no! Tom Smith gasped..

"Oh, No!" Tom Smith gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived?

Tom could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Alex kep...

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

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A Buddhist, a Christian and a Muslim are on a plane.

They plan to jump from the plane without a parachute, and whoever survives will prove once and for all, which religion is superior.

The first to jump is the muslim. As he falls he prays with all his heart to God, but he hits the ground and dies.

The second to jump is the Buddhist. He f...

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

Bill Clinton Survives Bear Attack

(Interview following incident in Yellowstone National Park)

Interviewer: This must have been a terrifying situation Bill. How did you end up face-to-face with a Grizzly?

Bill: Well me and Mrs. Clinton were driving through the park. I saw a couple young ladies walking down a trail and f...

A holocaust surviver dies of old age and goes to heaven

He meets God and tells him a holocaust joke. God says to him “Thats not a funny joke.” The survivor responds “well I guess you had to be there”

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

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A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived...

The children came out fine and the doctor had told their mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years. The children lived a happy life with their parents until they turned 13 years old. On that day, child 1 got a shock. He said to his mother, "Mommy, mommy, I have someth...

A Conductor composes am orchestra for king Jon un himself.

It takes them weeks, and it is the best orchestra that North Korea has ever seen. But when it came time to show him their original masterpiece, they flop. It’s absolutely horrible. So king Jon un sends the conductor to the electric chair to be executed.

The conductor is asked what he wishes f...

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

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