Survive Jokes - 98 Hilarious Survive Jokes

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?

The flambuoyants.

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An american dude, A French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

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Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper...

Shows how toxic our media is...

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Just like any other season

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive?

The United States of America

What does it mean when you lose a shoe but still survive?

You’re a sole survivor.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

How did na idiot survive after falling off a cliff?

He didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remebered vegans feed off of attention.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

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3 men and a woman survive a plane crash...

... and get stranded on a lonley island. They find plenty to eat, but the question who can have sex with the woman has to be clarified. One proposes that everyone gets her on another day. The woman agrees and everything is going good for months. But then the woman gets sick and dies.
The first we...

How did the dog survive a flood?

Because it was a good buoy

You heard about the trapped miners forced to eat moles to survive ?

They were living on burrowed time

Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains

This gives me hope for humanity.

Animals: Winter is here, we need a plan to survive.

Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

"I've survived three plane crashes."

Said the pilot.

"I believe I deserve another drink."

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

What’s the best way to survive a zombie apocalypse?

Plants

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember.....

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

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How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

A 102 year old woman who survived the 1918 Spanish Flu has now beaten coronavirus TWICE

But she was no match for my car

How did the cowboy survive the stampede?

He had herd immunity.

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner said “If anyone jumps in, swims to the coast and survives , I’ll give you $ 1 million.”

No one dared to move. But suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.

The owner announced “We have a brave winner!”

After collecting his reward, the man and his wife returned to their hotel. Upon arrival, the manager...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

Did you guys hear that you can survive just on plants?

That is something i never herbivore!

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane

Paddy O' Furniture

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A man survives a plane crash over the ocean...

He is huddled on a piece of debris with nothing but a dog and a pig. After drifting for several days the three land on the shore of a completely uninhabited island. After several weeks, the man feels that he will completely lose his mind if he doesn't have sex soon. After thinking it over he deci...

What does a diabetic neckbeard need to survive?

Incelin

What does it take to survive these days?

Masking your pain.

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A captain and his 2 crewmates survive a storm and...

They wake up at the beach of an island after a while crew gets hungry and starts to explore jungle hoping to find some food.
Suddenly captain and 2 men get caught by rapist cannibals.Leader of cannibals approach first crewmate and ask
" Makhook or death"
first men choose Makhook which he ...

To survive is to procrastinate death,

but in the end there is always a deadline.

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

Who will survive no nut november the longest?

The people with a severe nut allergy

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A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

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After a plane crash, only one woman and two men survived and are lost on a virgin island...

...so they start organizing their new lives, because they have no hope of ever seeing help. While one of them is in charge of hunting and picking fruits, the others build a house, etc.

One day however, the woman decides to convoke both men and expose her frustration:

"It's been so long...

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

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Two pilots and one stewardess survive a plane crash ...

... and drift for days in the ocean until they reach a small isolated island, in the middle of nowhere.
After some days, they get the idea that no one is coming to rescue them. It's a sad moment but life goes on, and the survivors sets up a camp, eat fish, drink coconut milk, and fall asleep un...

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

I know a guy who survived an 8000-foot fall out of a plane.

Until he hit the ground.

Greg Abbott, Ted Cruz, and Rick Perry are stuck on a deserted island, who survives?

Texas

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive?

American comedy films.

Might have to join a gang to survive this

I didn't realize staying at home in self isolation with my kids was going to be this tough.

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A plane wrecks on an island with cannibals. Only an American, a Russian and a German will survive.

The cannibals immediately discover them and take them to the camp.
There the chief puts them in line and says:
"We let you into the forest and you bring one fruit. Then I decide what to do with you."
All three go to the forest. The German returns first and has a banana. He comes to the...

I was trying to survive in the woods when I realized I ran out of toilet paper.

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grills’ book.

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Three men survive a plane crash...

Three men survive a plane crash on what appears to be a deserted island. In short order however, they realize it's inhabited by a tribe of cannibals. Surrounded by savages and all hope fading fast, one of the men pleas for the lives of him and his fellow survivors. The chief ponders his pleas and ul...

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A blonde, redhead, and black girl survive a plane crash at sea...

They all climb aboard a raft, and the blonde says "girls I know how to get us rescued." She then let's all her beautiful blonde hair out of her ponytail and say's "Men always find me because of my bright blonde hair, the coast guard men will find us in no time!" The redhead then decides to take her ...

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

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An Armenian survived a plane crash in Africa

But it seemed that fate held a grudge against him: he was captured by cannibals and was taken to be served as dinner that same night. When fire got ready, the cannibals brought the poor Armenian to the public eating place, feet and hands tied to the big single barbeque rod, ready to be roasted for g...

Hope this joke survives Hindi translation

(please view comments from oldest first)

Me: dude my mom just told me that when I was very
Young I fell down from Qutab Minar (high rise
Monument)

Ram: Damn! Did you survive? You didn't die did you?!

Me: I don't remember, I was pretty young when this
...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

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A plane crashes on an island with cannibals. Only a German, a Russian and an American survive.

The cannibals immediately capture them and bring them to their village. Their chieftain says: "We certainly want to kill and eat you, but our customs demand for a ritual that gives you a fair chance. For the first part of the ritual, you each go to the jungle and capture an animal."

The Germa...

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This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

My Friend tried to survive just by using candles

Suffice to say, it wasnt really a bright idea

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit are in a car wreck

They are rushed to the hospital where it becomes clear that the priest and the pastor will need blood to survive. The priest has blood type A, while the pastor has type B. By the grace of God they are saved, as type Os can donate to both.

If the human body can survive a 50 ft fall

Then why did my girlfriend scream when I pushed her off the roof?

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A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

I managed to survive a 1v5

The guy had no chance with the 5 of us

When the lion finally wakes up, how do you survive?

You swim away, you swim away

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

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What do you call it when someone has to masturbate to survive?

Self pleasure-vation

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

How long could a Kardashian survive in the wild?

Forever. Plastic is not biodegradable.

How did a phone survived 500m fall?

It was on airplane mode.

Three men on an island survive a crash

A plane crash lands on a deserted island, only three men survive. A white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy. The three decide to work together so they utilize their professions to survive.

The white guy was an architect so it was his job to design the shelter, the black guy worked in constru...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Steps on how to survive being stranded on a dessert island.

1) Check spelling.
2) If correct, enjoy.

People act surprised when I tell them my grandfather survived the holocaust.

Most of the guards survived didn't they?

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

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There was a man who survived a tornado

He was being interviewed by the local newspaper. The reporter asked him if it sounded like a train coming, and the guy said “i don’t know, until right now I didn’t even know trains had sex”

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.

Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

Why did Obi-Wan survive the tsunami?

Because he had the high ground.

Bill Clinton Survives Bear Attack

(Interview following incident in Yellowstone National Park)

Interviewer: This must have been a terrifying situation Bill. How did you end up face-to-face with a Grizzly?

Bill: Well me and Mrs. Clinton were driving through the park. I saw a couple young ladies walking down a trail and f...

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I want to see if this German joke survives translation

Two homeless dudes called Hans and Franz walk the street and see something brown on the street.

Hans says: Watch out - there is some poo.

Franz: says Nah - that is chocolate.

Hans takes a bite and says: definitely poo. You can even smell it.

Franz takes a bite as well: Ba...

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Three men survive a shipwreck...

When the early explorers came to the Caribbean, one of the first ships encountered a huge storm and went down. Only the captain, the first mate, and the bosun survived.

Unfortunately they were also immediately captured by the cannibalistic indigenous tribe, the "Caribs". They were told that ...

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

I have a lot of respect for people who can survive in the mighty jungle

But I guess, where there's a wim there's a weh

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

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A woman was pregnant with triplets when she got shot and survived...

The children came out fine and the doctor had told their mother that the bullet would pass through each of them in around 13 years. The children lived a happy life with their parents until they turned 13 years old. On that day, child 1 got a shock. He said to his mother, "Mommy, mommy, I have someth...

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I told my wife "When the apocalypse comes, I'll be eating human flesh to survive".

"You shitting me?!" She asked.

"i might be" I replied.

A Holocaust Surviver Dies and Goes to Heaven

A survivor of the Holocaust dies and goes to Heaven.

He gets past the gates, meets God, and tells him a Holocaust joke.

God says “that’s not funny.”

The man says “guess you had to be there.”

Even the most intelligent people can't survive a day without electricity

Like Stephen Hawking

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