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A little boy opens his violin case and an AK47 falls out

His teacher screams "Tommy what the hell is that!"

Tommy stares blankly at the gun for a moment and says "oh crap my dad is gonna rob a bank with my violin"

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra.

There's too much sax and violins.

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.

He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

My local news network recently featured two artisans from my town. One makes burlap sacs, and the other makes musical instruments.

They thought the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacs and violins.

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

Did you hear about the movie “Mozart”?

It was rated R for excessive violins

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?

The number of teeth the person playing it has.

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

(OC) Once, back the days of dragons...

Once back in the days of knights and dragons there was a mountain to which people would travel from leagues around.

At the summit of this mountain was a magic cradle which would heal the illness of any child placed in it, but only if the child's parent would then roll up into a ball and tumbl...

What were the last words of an Italian gangster?

Who the heck put violin in my violin case?

Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?"..

I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

Little Timmy comes to his music lessons, but when he opens his violin case, to everyone's surprise, there is an AK-47 inside instead of a violin.

Teacher: Timmy, what on earth does this mean!? Explain yourself!

Timmy: Well Mrs. Shapiro, evidently my father must be in a bank, wearing a balaklava, and about to find out that my violin is inside the case he is carrying.

Pandas are dangerous

The unusual story of a panda:



One day, a panda carrying a violin case enters a restaurant. There, he orders some food, and when he had finished, he opened the violin case, took out a machine gun and killed everybody but the manager (wow that's violent). The manager ran up to him and a...

Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news

He was fiddling with the kids

A little girl goes to the violin teacher

When she opens the violin case, there is no violin but a tommy gun in it. The teacher is shocked, but the little girl is just giggling.

“What so funny about this? “ the teacher askes her terrified.

“You see, now my father is trying to rob the bank with a violin!”

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

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A violist's 3 wishes...

Joe is a violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony. One day, as Joe is walking home from work, viola in hand, he stumbles across a peculiar looking lamp. Being utterly dissatisfied with his life, Joe rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.



"Waddya want?" the genie asks in a Jersey accent. Joe ...

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin's got strings. A fiddle's got strangs.

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I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

a little kid at school opens a violin case...

A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:
"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.

How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

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An interesting experiment

There was this specially talented musician, he could play almost any instrument, conduct an entire orchestra and compose like anyone else.

So, a couple scientists were very interested in finding how his brain works.

The musician agreed with a bizarre experiment, he would let the scient...

Making love to a woman is a lot like playing the violin.

I guess, i don't know how to do either

Why did Karl Marx hate classical music?

Because of the violins inherent in the system.


(In true r/Jokes spirit this one's not originally mine but I'm not sure where it came from. It's definitely one of my favourites though)

I have a buddy who's rich, a bit of a big shot...

Always flaunting his wealth and expensive belongings. He actually owned two violins that were in the Guinness book of world records. To my surprise, he gave me one for my birthday. That night, we were jamming out and getting drunk. Things got a little out of hand, and he broke the most expensive vio...

A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.

He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"

Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."

What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school?

"Hi kids, do you like violins?"

I just bought an undiscovered Stradivarius and an original Rembrandt!

Unfortunately, on further investigation I was able to discover that Rembrandt made useless violins and Stradivarius painted like a pre-schooler.

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

I passed by a music shop the other day

All the instruments were painted with cool pictures and patterns. However, it didn’t allow children due to graphic violins and sax.

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

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A guy’s doctor tells him he needs brain surgery

The guy asks, “Doc, after the surgery, will I be able to play the violin?”

The doctor tells the guy, “Go fuck yourself”

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying

It's must be too highly strung

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If...

Why was Gandhi thrown out of the orchestra?

He rejected the violins.

Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster with...

All music classes were banned at my school...

They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...

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Old Armenian joke.

*roughly translated, please excuse any incoherence*


A scholarly looking man is strolling around with a book under his arm and is noticed by a stranger. The stranger (who is a musician) is curious about the book and approaches the man.

"What is that book you have there?"

"Th...

Little Johnny was practising the violin

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny's father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on...

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

What's an emo's favorite musical instrument?

The forearm violin.

Why was the musical R-rated?

Because there was lots of Sax and Violins.

So I went to this concert with my wife

And I recognized one of the violin players from my highschool marching band. He played fine, but not outstanding. My wife also recognized him. So after the concert we decided to say hi.

"Has anyone told you that you were the best violin player in the world?"

My friend was quite surpris...

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So a missionary is spreading the word

of God as he see it in the deepest darkest parts of the African jungle. Since companionship is scarce, he entertains himself in the evenings by sitting outside his crude shelter and playing his violin.

As time passes he notices that the animals have begun to come out of the jungle when he pla...

What do you call it when one musician abuses another?

An act of violins.

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Music Jokes

Sharing some music related jokes :-

1. Q. What did George Michale sing at Elton John's wedding?
A. Don't let your son go down on me.

2. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. The lead guitarist holds the light, & the world revolves ar...

Terminator walks into a police station

He opens the first office and two police officers stand there mouths open. They reach for their pistols, but the Terminator opens his mouth and out shoots the sound of ear piercing violins. The police officers drop their pistols and clench their hands against their ears, but it's too much, their hea...

A man breaks his foot and goes to the doctor...

The doctor put a cast on the foot and told the man to take it easy. The man asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play violin?"
Confused, the doctor replied, "Yes, you should be able to play the violin."

The man said, "Neat! I've never been able to play it before!"

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He sets the octopus down on the bar with $500 and says "this octopus can play any instrument put in front of him. If you don't believe me put $100 on the table, and bring him any instrument, if he can't play it you can keep all the money that's been put down." Naturally, several patrons come up with...

Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter

Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.

Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

Massacre between rival musicians at the Symphony Orchestra today, .

Authorities have condemned this act of Violins

Did you hear about the unnecessarily large string orchestra?

It was shut down due to mass violins

Plato and Aristotle were in the music room at the Academy

Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a violin in his hands.

“Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?”

“No,” Plato replied. “But if...

An orchestra concert is no place for a child.

Sometimes there's intense violins

Why do muslims love classical music?

It has lots of violins

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