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Violin Jokes

I recently started learning to play the violin, and I think my neighbor enjoys it.

I assume he's throwing bricks through my windows to hear me better.

How do you keep a violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying

It's must be too highly strung

I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?"..

I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...

I slapped my violin out of anger

I got arrested for domestic violins

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I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

Why should you never hit people with violins??

Because violins is not the answer...

When Max went to his violin lessons, he found a gun in his case.

"Oh my god!" he yelped "Now my old man is in the bank with my violin."

What do you call a tree branches playing the violin?

Fiddlesticks

I used to play violin in a string quartet. Sadly one of our musicians was on drugs.

So we've had to ban Jo.

Whats the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

About 6 teeth

Violin Manufacturers

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign i...

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin…

I don't know how to do it…

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My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

Why did Karl Marx’s toilet play music?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern

We should all be afraid of fiddle players

Everyday they wake up, and chose violins

What tool does a spanish man use to play the violin?

Elbow

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’

‘Yes, of course…’

‘Great! I never could before!’

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined d...

Why did the musician's wife file for a divorce?

She was sick of the domestic violins.

How did the violinist learn to play violin?

He just started fiddling with it.

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin's got strings. A fiddle's got strangs.

A little girl goes to the violin teacher

When she opens the violin case, there is no violin but a tommy gun in it. The teacher is shocked, but the little girl is just giggling.

“What so funny about this? “ the teacher askes her terrified.

“You see, now my father is trying to rob the bank with a violin!”

A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...

... so he asks the conductor of his orchestra to help. "Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."

The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives. Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great....

Little Johnny was practising the violin

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny's father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on...

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news

He was fiddling with the kids

Stephen Hawking was a master at the violin

He had an adept understanding of string theory

a little kid at school opens a violin case...

A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:
"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?

They strung him up, but he didn't fret.

*Cogwheel takes a bow*

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

practicing with the violin

A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.

"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.

"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating...

The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.

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What do you call a marriage between two violins?

A homo-sectional marriage.

I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but...

I didn't want to fiddle with the camera

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.

**She had a history of violins.**

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Took my kid to a classical music concert. It was a disaster

Way too much sax and violins

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

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A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painte...

Mom wouldn't let me see the orchestra movie

She said there was too much sax and violins

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

I was listening to the orchestra but I had to turn off the radio...

There was too much sax and violins.

I'd never let my children go to the opera

There's just too much sax and violins

What do you call it when a symphony musician hits his wife?

Domestic violins.

All last night, it sounded like my neighbors were practicing for their part in an orchestra.

I had to call the police to report domestic violins.

My ex used to beat me a lot with stringed instruments.

Then i realised that she used to do it to all of her previous boyfriends.
I would have broken up sooner if i had known she had a history of violins

I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!

That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.

Violence is never the answer! Unless the question is...

What do you have if you have more than one violin?

What did the pacifist say to the aggressive musician?

Violins is not the answer.

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What were the old-time gangster's last words?

"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"

Why did Watson dislike Sherlock Holmes playing music at Baker Street?

As a Doctor, he was naturally against domestic violins.

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

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This joke is popular with lebanese people, idk if everyone will find it funny but here we go

Mr. Abed and Mrs. Abed recently moved to a new building on the first floor. They were very happy they moved to a better area, but little did they know there was a man living in the second floor who plays the violin. At night when they went to sleep, the man started playing the violin and it was beau...

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

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A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

Two Violinists

Two old violinists were talking to each other, and one said to the other, "If I die before you, I will find a way to tell you if there is an orchestra in Heaven". The other violinist says he would do the same. Sure enough, the first violinist dies. A few days pass, and the first violinist appears be...

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

I wanted to watch a music movie...

But it was full of sax and violins.

Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

In 1952 the New York Philharmonic was on a national tour...

...and on their way home from the west coast when their flight was grounded in Kansas due to bad weather.

It had been a long tour and tensions had been running high. A first violin player was a wreck from excessive alcohol consumption, the trumpet section engaged in much infighting due to com...

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A drunk walks into a bar holding and octopus.

Drunk walks up to the bartender, places his octopus on the bar next to him and says, I’ll bet you this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him he’ll play it. Drinks free for me all night if I win. Bartender agrees; he hands the octopus a guitar, and he starts playing the gui...

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

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A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

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Old Armenian joke.

*roughly translated, please excuse any incoherence*


A scholarly looking man is strolling around with a book under his arm and is noticed by a stranger. The stranger (who is a musician) is curious about the book and approaches the man.

"What is that book you have there?"

"Th...

All music classes were banned at my school...

They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.

He said, "Yes, ít is a violin. That is how you hold it."

I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

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An octopus is applying for a job at the circus

He says: "I can play multiple instruments".

They give him a violin, a sax, the drums and he plays them beautifully. Everyone is thoroughly impressed.

They ask him: "Well, can you play the bagpipes?".

He responds: "Well, I don't know what that is, but I think I could give it a go...

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A violist's 3 wishes...

Joe is a violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony. One day, as Joe is walking home from work, viola in hand, he stumbles across a peculiar looking lamp. Being utterly dissatisfied with his life, Joe rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.



"Waddya want?" the genie asks in a Jersey accent. Joe ...

How do you get two flutes to play in tune?

Shoot one of them.

How do you get two violins to play in tune? Shoot both of them.

How do you get two altos to sing in tune? It doesn’t matter, nobody’s listening.

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