What do you do to prevent your violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case

Whats the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

You can't violin with yourself.

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

A little girl goes to the violin teacher

When she opens the violin case, there is no violin but a tommy gun in it. The teacher is shocked, but the little girl is just giggling.

“What so funny about this? “ the teacher askes her terrified.

“You see, now my father is trying to rob the bank with a violin!”

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

How did the orchestra start a riot?

With violins

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin's got strings. A fiddle's got strangs.

Why was the Jazz movie rated R

Too much sax and violins

I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

Making love to a woman is a lot like playing the violin.

I guess, i don't know how to do either

What does a violin player use as birth control?

Their personality

Little Johnny was practising the violin

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father was trying to read. The family dog was there too, and, on hearing the screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny's father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on...

Two Violinists

Two old violinists were talking to each other, and one said to the other, "If I die before you, I will find a way to tell you if there is an orchestra in Heaven". The other violinist says he would do the same. Sure enough, the first violinist dies. A few days pass, and the first violinist appears be...

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What were the old-time gangster's last words?

"Who put this fucking violin in my violin case?!"

I can't listen to orchestral music anymore

Too much sax and violins.

Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?

They strung him up, but he didn't fret.

*Cogwheel takes a bow*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is cleaning out his deceased grandfather's attic...

He discovers an old oil painting and an old violin. He decides to take them to an antique dealer to have them evaluated.

The antique dealer studies them both carefully and says, "What you have here sir is a Stradivarius, and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painte...

When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying

It's must be too highly strung

I would never let my kids watch the orchestra,

too much sax and violins.

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined d...

Today I popped a G string while fingering a minor.

I'm going to the violin repair shop tomorrow.

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

A violinist notices that he can't keep his violin in tune...

... so he asks the conductor of his orchestra to help. "Take it to Opporknockety," says the conductor. "He is a violin expert."

The violinist packs his things and makes the trek to the Swiss Alps where the expert lives. Sure enough, Opporknockety fixes the problem and the violin sounds great....

How did the violinist learn to play violin?

He just started fiddling with it.

Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster with...

‘Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?’

‘Yes, of course…’

‘Great! I never could before!’

Why do muslims love classical music?

It has lots of violins

Why should you never hit people with violins??

Because violins is not the answer...

The Violin Ensemble playing in Carnegie Hall somehow got an R-18 rating...

The censors say it contains explicit scenes of violins encore.

I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins.

*Edit: Due to some people's annoyance I have changed the joke to:*

**I'd never let my children see musical performances.**

There's too much sax and violins.

practicing with the violin

A little boy goes to his weekly violin lesson, but when he opens the violin case he blurts out a curse, and slams the case shut again.

"What's wrong?" asks the teacher.

"It seems my father is going to rob the bank with my violin"

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?

It had excellent mussel memory.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

I asked a music teacher what is sooo hard about playing a violin...

she said it's kinda fiddely.

I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but...

I didn't want to fiddle with the camera

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the school band with this guy

One day, when we were practicing, I missed a note on my trombone and this guy, already pissed off, smashed his instrument at me.

Holding my bIood-dripping head, I screamed in anger: “Why are you so goddamn violin?”

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A violist's 3 wishes...

Joe is a violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony. One day, as Joe is walking home from work, viola in hand, he stumbles across a peculiar looking lamp. Being utterly dissatisfied with his life, Joe rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

​

"Waddya want?" the genie asks in a Jersey ...

Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?

Because of all the violins.

I heard a fight broke out in the orchestra hall today.

Apparently someone struck a wrong cord and it led to a lot of violins.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

An interesting experiment

There was this specially talented musician, he could play almost any instrument, conduct an entire orchestra and compose like anyone else.

So, a couple scientists were very interested in finding how his brain works.

The musician agreed with a bizarre experiment, he would let the scient...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

Why did Karl Marx hate classical music?

Because of the violins inherent in the system.


(In true r/Jokes spirit this one's not originally mine but I'm not sure where it came from. It's definitely one of my favourites though)

I have a buddy who's rich, a bit of a big shot...

Always flaunting his wealth and expensive belongings. He actually owned two violins that were in the Guinness book of world records. To my surprise, he gave me one for my birthday. That night, we were jamming out and getting drunk. Things got a little out of hand, and he broke the most expensive vio...

What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school?

"Hi kids, do you like violins?"

A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.

He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"

Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Musician's Suitcase

On their way to a classical music concert, a mother and daughter board the subway. “Look over there,” the mother says, “the man with the big suitcase. That’s the musician we are going to see in concert tonight!” Just as the mother speaks, the man reaches into his suitcase and pulls out a shiny violi...

I just bought an undiscovered Stradivarius and an original Rembrandt!

Unfortunately, on further investigation I was able to discover that Rembrandt made useless violins and Stradivarius painted like a pre-schooler.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims.

At this point, you must understand two things:

1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather ...

I passed by a music shop the other day

All the instruments were painted with cool pictures and patterns. However, it didn’t allow children due to graphic violins and sax.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was Stradivarius bad at mathematics?

Violins never solved anything

I just made this up.

Ok, it's shit, but it's OC. On r/jokes. Think about that for a minute.

Why was Gandhi thrown out of the orchestra?

He rejected the violins.

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar an...

All these video games with epic orchestral music scores.

Those concerned mums were right, there's way too much violins in video games.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy’s doctor tells him he needs brain surgery

The guy asks, “Doc, after the surgery, will I be able to play the violin?”

The doctor tells the guy, “Go fuck yourself”

All music classes were banned at my school...

They said the classes encouraged too much sax and violins...

Why was the musical R-rated?

Because there was lots of Sax and Violins.

What's an emo's favorite musical instrument?

The forearm violin.

So I went to this concert with my wife

And I recognized one of the violin players from my highschool marching band. He played fine, but not outstanding. My wife also recognized him. So after the concert we decided to say hi.

"Has anyone told you that you were the best violin player in the world?"

My friend was quite surpris...

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old Armenian joke.

*roughly translated, please excuse any incoherence*


A scholarly looking man is strolling around with a book under his arm and is noticed by a stranger. The stranger (who is a musician) is curious about the book and approaches the man.

"What is that book you have there?"

"Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a missionary is spreading the word

of God as he see it in the deepest darkest parts of the African jungle. Since companionship is scarce, he entertains himself in the evenings by sitting outside his crude shelter and playing his violin.

As time passes he notices that the animals have begun to come out of the jungle when he pla...

Terminator walks into a police station

He opens the first office and two police officers stand there mouths open. They reach for their pistols, but the Terminator opens his mouth and out shoots the sound of ear piercing violins. The police officers drop their pistols and clench their hands against their ears, but it's too much, their hea...

An Orchestra in Albuquerque in July

A travelling orchestra had planned on being in Albuquerque in January and Minneapolis in July. However, their manager got the dates wrong and the group ended up doing a three-day run in an outdoor theater in Albuquerque in the middle of the July heat. The event was exhausting and by the third night,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Music Jokes

Sharing some music related jokes :-

1. Q. What did George Michale sing at Elton John's wedding?
A. Don't let your son go down on me.

2. Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. The lead guitarist holds the light, & the world revolves ar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He sets the octopus down on the bar with $500 and says "this octopus can play any instrument put in front of him. If you don't believe me put $100 on the table, and bring him any instrument, if he can't play it you can keep all the money that's been put down." Naturally, several patrons come up with...

Symphony of puns

i never let my kids listen to jazz or classical music...
Too much sax or violins can only lead to treble!

Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter

Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.

A girl asked if I play any Indian instruments.

I told her I play mandolin, violin and cello. Close, but no sitar.

What do you call it when one musician abuses another?

An act of violins.

Why does Marx's toilet play a sonata when flushed?

Because of the violins inherent in the cistern.

A man breaks his foot and goes to the doctor...

The doctor put a cast on the foot and told the man to take it easy. The man asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play violin?"
Confused, the doctor replied, "Yes, you should be able to play the violin."

The man said, "Neat! I've never been able to play it before!"

Massacre between rival musicians at the Symphony Orchestra today, .

Authorities have condemned this act of Violins

my pre school guitar teacher...

got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

Did you hear about the unnecessarily large string orchestra?

It was shut down due to mass violins