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Beads Jokes

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...

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So it turns out there actually is a difference between necklace beads and anal beads.

Flavor.

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Polly wants a working girl

So a woman walks into my church and she's like, 'Father, I got a problem. I got two parrots, but they're both female and all they know how to say is one thing.'

And I'm like, 'What do they say?'

And she gets all red in the face and she's like, 'They say "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you...

Welder joke

A welder sees an ad for help and a metals shop. $18-$25 per hour. He goes in and asks about the job. They give him some metal to weld and tells him to bring it back when he's done. The welder brings back two welds. The first one is beautiful. Pristine beads, straight as an arrow. The shop owner comp...

For over 30,000 years humans gave social "likes" by sharing beads made from ostrich eggs.

I guess you might call them emu-jis.

Why are rosary beads so small?

Because altar boys are really tight.

Beads of sweat were running down her cleavage. Her breathing was hot and heavy.

She moaned as she gained momentum by rocking her hips harder and harder, preparing for the final climactic effort she knew was coming soon. Then, in one final full-body thrust, it was all over, and she breathed a deep sigh of relief and satisfaction. It's always a struggle when the wife gets up off ...

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What does the Chineese Govt and a pair of used anal beads have in common?

CENSORED

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Did you know you're supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't.

I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.

My wife always complains I’m insensitive. So I got her some beads of an abacus for her birthday.

She said, “What the hell are these?”

I replied, “It’s the little things that count.”

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Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

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So this guy bought a car

And being a practicing Catholic, decided to ask his priest to bless it. So the priest prayed and sprinkled some holy water over it. Then he gave him a rosary and a statue of the Holy Virgin to place in the car.

A Buddhist bought a car and asked a monk to bless it. The monk burned some incens...

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

So there’s this kid around my town who goes around with little rosary beads all the time...

He’s a roamin’ Catholic.

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...

Preparation

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he ...

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What does an aviator use to spice things up in the bed room?

Planal beads.

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Two beggars are sitting on a sidewalk in Rome.

One is wearing a large cross, has rosary beads in his hand, and has a picture of the Virgin Mary. The other is wearing a kippah and tzitzit, and has a beard and side curls. The first is getting tons of money, but the second is hardly getting any. A priest comes to the second beggar, and says "you kn...

My office computer is so old...

When it started running slow, instead of more RAM, the IT guy installed more beads.

This dude went to Maccas and saw a lady wearing a burqa....

Went to Macca's & the girl serving was wearing a burqa. I noticed it was quite dirty and tattered and a bit smelly. It actually put me off so we walked out and went across the road to Hungry Jack's. Here was another girl wearing a burqa. I was happy to see that it was clean and it actually was n...

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Confucius say. . .

. . . anal beads make crappy necklace.

Another three nuns joke....Three nuns are walking home late one night when suddenly they are attacked by three men.

The men pull them into the bushes and begin to assault them.

The first nun, clutching her rosary beads says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The second one closes her eyes and says, "forgive him Lord, he knows not what he does."

The third nun says, "this one does...

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A couple of parrots

An attractive young woman who was scantily dressed and wearing a cross, approached a priest after 8:00 Mass on Sunday morning and told him in confidence, "Father, I have a problem… I have two female parrots but they can only say one thing", and then she whispered in the priest's ear, 'Hi, we’re hot…...

So, Alex had two parrots named Bob and Jim.

Alex was an older gentlemen, retired and fairly religious with lots of time on his hands. He figured it'd be fun to pass his time teaching the parrots to pray the rosary.

Alex went to his church, got a two small sets of rosary beads, gave them to Bob and Jim and got to work. After months of ...

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Powerball

Wouldn’t it be funny if the woman on TV pulled out a strand of anal beads from behind and said “And the winning powerball numbers are....”

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The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

Woman calls 911

**911 operator:** What is your emergency?
**Woman:** Our maid is stealing from us!
**911 operator:** Did you catch her stealing?
**Woman:** Yes! I came home from the store and found my husband pulling beads out of her ass!

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I learned a valuable lesson today.

When using anal beads, you're not supposed to pull them out like you're trying to start a lawn mower.

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is o...

A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.

The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.

A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mu...

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I went to the doctor...

Doctor: [pulling out anal beads]

Me: this is embarrassing

Doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

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Prayers

A lady was looking for a new pet since her Cockatoo died a few months back. Eventually she settles to buy a parrot and heads to an owner who had offered to sell his to her. After having her see the beautiful African Grey parrot, he told her that the bird only knew one phrase that was "I'm a prostitu...

Moron of the year.

Every year a group of people meet. No one know how long this has been happening, it just does.

The moron of the year from the previous year stands on a stage and holds up an item. He describes it, then anyone from the crowed may take a guess as to what this item is. The one who guesses corre...

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

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A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

A man bought a new lamp on Amazon.

When it arrived, he noticed a dirty spot and tried to rub it off with a damp paper towel.

Suddenly, a scruffy glowing teenager appeared and said "Hey man, thanks for freeing me from this lamp. In return, I will grant you three wishes!"

The man was stunned. "You're a genie?"

"Yea...

A woman ended up caring for two female parrots . . .

A woman ended up caring for two female parrots belonging to her father, who had to enter a nursing home and couldn’t take them with him.

But he was kind of a rascal and taught them to say some rude phrases whenever anyone new walked into the room.

Their favourite was, “Hi, we’re hooke...

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Duck hunting

Once while afield in the Scottish moors, I shot a Bluewing Teal as it crested a low hill. Seeing it pinwheel out of sight in a cloud of feathers, I hotfooted over the hill to recover my dinner. As I passed the crest, I spotted an obvious Pakistani reaching for the duck.

"Hey! What the fuck ar...

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym.

He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player.

After an uneventful flight and some t...

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

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