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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

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A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.

Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.

There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Ev...

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

Did you hear about the unprofitable chain of comedy clubs that went public through an IPO?

It has now become the laughing stock.

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

Saw a kid riding a bike that looked the same as mine in my neighborhood

I freaked out and went to my garage. Luckily he was still there; chained up and begging for food.

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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Golfing

An Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are golfing. There is a group ahead of them moving really slow. The course manager stops by and asks if everything is alright. They ask why the group ahead of them is so slow. He explains that it is a blind group of firefighters that lost their sight putting out ...

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

You can tune a chain saw.

Alternate answer: vibrato.

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

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A man and a woman are sitting at the bar ...

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away.

After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me."

The man looked surprised as the woman was ...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he g...

You know, dolphins are vital in their food chains.

There can be no life without porpoise.

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Back in the 1980's, two young Aussie tourists visit the Vatican as part of a Kontiki tour...

Typical of the day, beer is the main refreshment, so they have an Esky (a cooler) chock-a-block with ice and ice cold beers to keep them refreshed while viewing the sights. Due to the beers being consumed, they soon lose contact with the main tour group and decide to investigate the Vatican by thems...

What do you call a fast food chain run by slaves?

Three Guys

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

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Toilet chains.

They’re just taking the piss really

If you're going to take offense...

would it be chain link or picket ?

You know what the name of the hotel chain “La Quinta” means in English?

“Next to a Denny’s”

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

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On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.

Because there's so many Links

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

This kid is dragging a chain down the road

and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

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A guy walks into a bar

He has his dog with him. It's an ugly little yellow dog. He sits down at the bar next to a Marine.

The Marine has his dog with him. It's a German Shepherd, and it bristles at the ugly little yellow dog.

The Marine says "Son, you need to get your ugly little yellow dog out of here, or m...

I've been hired for a commercial for a gym chain.

I'll be the before-model.

What is Cristiano Ronaldo's favourite food chain?

KF......**SIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**

Why did all of the Pizza chains fall?

Idk, I guess it was a Domino effect

I'm so sorry....

What grocery store chain is the most similar to American Schools?

Target.

Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world

The venezuelans asked what food is
The Europeans asked what shortage is
The americans asked what the rest of the world is
The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

What do you call 1,000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

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One will suffice...

An outlaw biker, a crip, and a homie have all been murdered and are in Hell to see Satan as he appears in a cloud of smoke accompanied by a little monkey with black horns and fingernails, a long tail wings and a pitchfork.
Devil says, "since you guys were up there doing my work you get a chance t...

What do you call it when sodium and potassium surges the electron transport chain?

A deep nap

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

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A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

Y'know how ants will sacrifice themselves to form a bridge?

I read that when ants approach an obstacle such as water/oil/etc they will sacrifice themselves and form a chain to create a bridge across said obstacle. The coolest part to me is that the males specifically line up to form the bridge and protect the females. Apparently this is because they are not ...

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

What’s at the top of the Reddit food chain?

Predditors

This morning I ran about 4.5 miles in just 17 minutes

Why can't people keep their large size dogs chained???

I had to stop chain smoking

When I was diagnosed with hemochromatosis. Now I just smoke cigarettes.

What kinds of windows does 2 chains own?

TWO PANES.

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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You can tell if your gold chain is fake...

...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

Domino’s pizza has just opened a chain of VD clinics!

It’s for after you’ve had the hots with the box with the dots....

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I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet

because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'

In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?

Or is that rude to the ball and chain?

What pizza chain do people with epilepsy like the least?

Little seizures

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Even if Hitler had only run a fast food chain, it would have turned out terribly...

I mean, who wants to order the "Arbeit Macht Fries"?

Your mom isn’t at the top of the food chain...

I eat her every night.

Why do Italians wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving.

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

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food chain joke

A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it." A bear was in the lake and thought, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish." A hunt...

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A guy strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him in an ER waiting room.

A guy is sitting in an ER waiting room. The guy next to him is complaining because he has a sliver of metal in his eye. The first guy says, “That’s got to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you!” The second guy says, “No, actually, this one winter I was up at my hunting shack, and I had to ...

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop...

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.

The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"

"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"

"So? What's that got to do...

The story behind Carl's Jr and Hardee's

You know how Carl's Jr and Hardee's are essentially the same restaurant? That's because Carl and Hardee are brothers. But Hardee is an awful name for a person -- and his brother teased him relentlessly for it -- so they started out with only Carl's Jr chains. Eventually, Hardee wanted to open his ow...

My fiancee was holding my left hand...

And I told her, "You know, in a month and a half, that hand will be heavier and I might need help lifting it."

She replied, "The ring isn't that heavy..."

And I retorted, "Yeah, but the ball and chain connected to it is!"

Don't know how I'm still engaged or alive after that...

Did you hear about the chain of German restaurants opening up this year?

They're going to be serving Sausages, Brats, Anne Franks.

I saw a Dwarf who had escaped from prison climbing over a chain link fence. As he was climbing down the other side he scowled and stuck his tongue out at me and ran away...

I said to myself "That was a little condescending"

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message . . .

. . . that said that if I don't forward it to 500 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight. I haven't sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I'm getting laid tonight.

The Soviet chain factory

Once upon a time, there was a factory in the Soviet Union that made chains. When the communists took over, they abolished capitalism, and instead of selling chains the factory sent their production to the government to distribute, and were rewarded based on their production quotas set by the bureauc...

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

A man dies on his trip to an island chain in Equador

and becomes a Galapaghost.

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

What does it mean when you come home and catch your wife sitting in the living room?

Her chain from the kitchen is too long.

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

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Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

&nbsp;

Iron-man thinks about Pepper Potts hangs 5-gallon bucket on his shlong and walks 5 yards. Everybody praises him.

&nbsp;


Spiderman thinks about Gwen Stacy hangs 20-gallon ke...

Chain jokes?

I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:

Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy

Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter?

Vincent Van Cough

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

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