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Chain Jokes

3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

If humans are at the top of the food chain...

Cannibals are one step above.

So I’m trying to open a chain of outdoor, overnight facilities to help children overcome symptoms of ADHD.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble getting the bank to approve a loan for concentration camps.

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

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"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a v...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three that while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in their vices again, they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist, the three men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says, "Fuck it. That guy was full of shit. There's ...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

A local pizza chain just folded

The new restaurants serve only calzones now.

What's the only Papally-approved fast food chain in the US?

Popeyes

What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants?

Dominoes

What could we call an international chain of hotels catering to vampires?

Hema Globe Inns

(Thoughts on this OC?)

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An old email-chain joke: The firefighter and the little girl.

Found this one while going through old emails from my mom, circa 2006...



A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The...

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My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

Why do Italian’s wear gold chains?

So they know where to stop shaving!

Watched a show where a guy used a chain link gate to sift through rocks

I found it a fence sieve...

Which hotel chain does Link prefer?

HYAAAATT!!!

Why did God create gold chains?

So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving!

Why did the DNA chain blush?

It was part of his genetic makeup.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.

Because there's so many Links

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

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Toilet chains.

They’re just taking the piss really

A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he g...

What grocery store chain is the most similar to American Schools?

Target.

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

Mom finds chains and whips in sons room

So she goes and ask her husband what they should do about his bdsm issue. The dad says, “well I definitely wouldn’t spank him”

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

This kid is dragging a chain down the road

and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

You can tune a chain saw.

Alternate answer: vibrato.

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

Two women die and go to Heaven...

...only to find it full of ducks. Saint Peter appears and says, "Hello! Welcome to Heaven. There's only one real rule here, and it's because God really loves ducks -- Do _not_ EVER step on a duck."

The women, slightly confused, agree to the terms. What choice is there? They head off into the...

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

Why did all of the Pizza chains fall?

Idk, I guess it was a Domino effect

I'm so sorry....

I had to stop chain smoking

When I was diagnosed with hemochromatosis. Now I just smoke cigarettes.

The Soviet chain factory

Once upon a time, there was a factory in the Soviet Union that made chains. When the communists took over, they abolished capitalism, and instead of selling chains the factory sent their production to the government to distribute, and were rewarded based on their production quotas set by the bureauc...

Chain jokes?

I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:

Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

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food chain joke

A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it." A bear was in the lake and thought, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish." A hunt...

What do you call a fast food chain run by slaves?

Three Guys

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A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them ...

What kinds of windows does 2 chains own?

TWO PANES.

You know what the name of the hotel chain “La Quinta” means in English?

“Next to a Denny’s”

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

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You can tell if your gold chain is fake...

...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.

Three women are driving in a car, until they crash into a tree, and all three of them die and go to heaven.

God explains to the three ladies, that both of them lived good lives, without sin. And he let's then through the gate into heaven, but not before telling them that there's only one rule in heaven:

"Don't step on the ducks" The women are confused at first, until they finally enter heaven, and ...

What pizza chain do people with epilepsy like the least?

Little seizures

What’s a 1000 year old chain’s favourite video game?

A link from the past.

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

Domino’s pizza has just opened a chain of VD clinics!

It’s for after you’ve had the hots with the box with the dots....

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop...

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.

The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"

"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"

"So? What's that got to do...

What's Mr. Ts chain made out of?

Fools gold

Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message . . .

. . . that said that if I don't forward it to 500 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight. I haven't sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I'm getting laid tonight.

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I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet

because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world

The venezuelans asked what food is
The Europeans asked what shortage is
The americans asked what the rest of the world is
The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions

You know what's great about Alice In Chains?

She can't get away.

What do you call a chain of singing islands?

An acapellago.

Why did the blonde climb the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

Did you hear about the chain of German restaurants opening up this year?

They're going to be serving Sausages, Brats, Anne Franks.

I got mail from Mr. T saying that he was getting rid of all of his gold necklaces and he wanted me to share that with ten of my friends.

It was a chain letter.

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I chained up my trophy wife in the basement...

She's atrophy wife now.

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A State Trooper Is Driving Down The Highway...

It's about 6am, and as he rounds the curve, he sees a figure kneeling down by a tree off the edge of the road.

Turning on his lights, he eases over and as he gets closer, he can see that the figure is a very naked man who is chained to the tree.

Getting out of the car, the officer mov...

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

A man dies on his trip to an island chain in Equador

and becomes a Galapaghost.

Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad?

Because they're diene

My Grandpa owned a hot dog chain in Germany...

You might have heard of it..."Anne's Franks"

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Even if Hitler had only run a fast food chain, it would have turned out terribly...

I mean, who wants to order the "Arbeit Macht Fries"?

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also...

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

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Three men die and go to heaven

The angel ushering them in welcomes them and tells them they can do what they want, but they will be punished if they swear or curse.

One of the men decides to go see the sights of Heaven, traveling an idyllic mountain path, he sees a waterfall more beautiful than anything he's seen on Earth,...

Why are the compounds in garlic like a Seattle rock band?

They're both Allicin chains.

In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?

Or is that rude to the ball and chain?

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

A major American chain of stores may be on the receiving end of some recent controversy.

Although sources will not outright name the chain for legal purposes, they did say the stores have painted a giant target upon themselves.

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A Pig walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the barman, “What’s this about then?”

The barman replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own. Take a sip and it’ll magically release your...

Barber

I always thought asking my barber where he gets his haircut.

And then go there.

And then slowly make my way up the chain so I can find the greatest barber in the world.

Who is probably a bald guy.

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