UPJOKE
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3 men went to heaven.

God told them, "You can do anything that you want, but there is one rule: don't step on ducks."

The men thought this would be easy, but when they got to heaven, there were ducks absolutely everywhere.

The first man stepped on a duck, and for his punishment, they chained him to the ugli...

A local pizza chain just folded

The new restaurants serve only calzones now.

Living in LA, I thought I had seen it all. Then the other day, I saw a location for a Superman-themed restaurant chain, specializing in diet stromboli and other Italian food, run by an area Muslim deer hunter.

It was my local SoCal low-cal all-elk halal "Kal-El's Calzone Zone" locale.

I recently bought into a chain of restaurants well-known for their beef dishes

I'm now a major steak holder in the business

Why did God create gold chains?

So Italian guys would know when to quit shaving!

If humans are at the top of the food chain...

Cannibals are one step above.

Just got fired from my new job as a supply chain manager...

My boss just said, "That's LIFO."

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A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

What do you call a big booty chain smoker?

A Jigglypuff

Why did the DNA chain blush?

It was part of his genetic makeup.

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

So I’m trying to open a chain of outdoor, overnight facilities to help children overcome symptoms of ADHD.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble getting the bank to approve a loan for concentration camps.

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An old email-chain joke: The firefighter and the little girl.

Found this one while going through old emails from my mom, circa 2006...



A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The...

I once saw a kid riding a bike.

I went “omg that looks like mine” and ran all the way home, but luckily mine was still chained up asking for food

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3 men

There are three men, 1 Irishman, 1 Italian man, and 1 Asian man, all in prison, and are a part of the chain gang. One day while they are walking in the yard. They all notice a large pile of dirt and a hole in the ground when a guard walks up to them with a proposition.

The guard says: If you...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.

Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.

There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Ev...

I own a chain of garden centres across the US

I got hoes, in different area codes.

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A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check....

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare! I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing!"

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening...

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site.

Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

“By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how ...

A new experimental punishment for child molesters involves chaining them to electricity-producing machines and having them work 24/7

Researcers hope to be able to generate multiple pedowatts of power.

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

How do you imprison a NFT?

You tie it up with a block chain.

Diana Ross just resigned as a Member of Parliament.

Apparently it was a Chain Reaction.

Old Man sitting on his porch a kid walks by dragging a heavy steal chain.

The old man say, Hey Kid why are you dragging that chain around ?


The kid says, Have you ever tried to push one

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

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I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

What do you call someone who believes the world is run by a shadow organization of Mexican chain restaurants?

QdobAnon

What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

You can tune a chain saw.

Alternate answer: vibrato.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

Metallica should open up a chain of mattress discount stores

And name it "Nothing else Mattress"

Joke about a Pole in a swearing competition

A contest was set up. By who? Nobody knows.


But, the general gist was this - whoever can maintain the longest flow of cursewords wins... something.


And so, a Britton, a Frenchman, a Russian and a Pole get into the finals. Each have their own booths to psyche up and prepare for ...

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Disturbance

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an esca...

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

I need a new bicycle chain.

Can anyone give me any links?

A Crackhead an Alchoholic and a chain smoker all die in a car accident.

When they reach the pearly gate St. Peter just looks at them and says "not good gentlemen not good. I cant just let a Crackhead, Alchoholic and chain smoker into heaven." The three men start to complain and demand to be let in. So St Peter decides to test them. He give the crackhead some crack, he g...

Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.

Because there's so many Links

3 men are in the afterlife…

And god says to them, “Ok the only rule is that you can’t step on a duck on your first day or you will be punished. If you go the whole day without stepping on a duck then you will be rewarded” The three men thinks it is a simple challenge, but as they enter the gates the ground was covered in ducks...

Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter

He told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and ...

What do you call the reception area for the advocacy group that represents a major craft store chain?

The Hobby Lobby Lobby Lobby

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

The worst pain

Guys are sitting in a bar arguing about who has experienced the worst pain.

Bob says "I once dropped the cheese shredder, and it shredded the skin on my leg as it fell"

Dave says, "oh I can top that- I slipped cutting wood and drove the chain saw into my ankle".

John says "nah,...

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Why did the restaurant chain call itself Red Rooster?

They didn't think Red Cock sounded very appetising.

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Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

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Big Mean Steve

There's a boom town out in the desert in the old west.

One day word starts going around that Big Mean Steve's coming. All the shopkeepers start boarding up their windows and half the town starts loading up their wagons. They ask each other, "You sticking around?" "Hell no, Big Mean Steve's co...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

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Due to inflation, the rapper Chamillionaire is changing his name to ChaMiddleClass.

2 Chainz also announced that he’s changing his name, due to supply chain issues

A man is out in the country when his car breaks down.

After a while a group of guys in a pickup stop to check on him. They help get his car started, but then they beat him up, take his clothes and wallet, chain him to a tree, and take off with his car.
He's facing the tree, so he can't see the road, but he hears a car drive up and starts yelling fo...

What do you call a fast food chain run by slaves?

Three Guys

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

What are the two kinkiest fast food chains?

Subway and Domino's.

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

You know what the name of the hotel chain “La Quinta” means in English?

“Next to a Denny’s”

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

This kid is dragging a chain down the road

and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

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Free bicycle

I bought a bicycle which I hardly used. As a socially responsible citizen, I put it out on the porch against a board saying "free bicycle ".

A week passed and no one took it. My friend said "Dude no on wants free stuff, just chain it to the post and it will be stolen in a jiffy".

I fol...

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Toilet chains.

They’re just taking the piss really

A guy parks his bicycle outside the US capitol...

security comes to him and says "you can't park your bike here. Don't you know that Congressmen, Senators, Speaker, Vice President, foreign dignitaries, and the President come here often?"

the guy says "oh don't worry, I've chained my bike!"

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Why did all of the Pizza chains fall?

Idk, I guess it was a Domino effect

I'm so sorry....

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A man walks into a bar.....

.... and orders a whiskey. While he is drinking it he notices a bucket 3/4 full of 20s and ask the bartender about it. "Well we have a running bet in this bar, toss in your 20, do 3 impossible things and the money is yours." "What does a guy need to do to win? " the man asks. "Well first," the barte...

Why did the supply chain manager wake up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat?

He was having a logistical nightmare.

A news chain started asking people what's their opinion on a food shortage around the world

The venezuelans asked what food is
The Europeans asked what shortage is
The americans asked what the rest of the world is
The chinese asked what an opinion is, then got arrested for asking too many questions

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A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...

...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.

It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand an...

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Golfing

An Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are golfing. There is a group ahead of them moving really slow. The course manager stops by and asks if everything is alright. They ask why the group ahead of them is so slow. He explains that it is a blind group of firefighters that lost their sight putting out ...

What grocery store chain is the most similar to American Schools?

Target.

Which fast food chain would be a good basketball player?

Dunkin' Donuts

I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I?

I am a flag.

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A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also...

What do you call 1,000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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You can tell if your gold chain is fake...

...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.

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A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

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I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet

because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: Mitch's Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'

In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?

Or is that rude to the ball and chain?

I had to stop chain smoking

When I was diagnosed with hemochromatosis. Now I just smoke cigarettes.

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

Domino’s pizza has just opened a chain of VD clinics!

It’s for after you’ve had the hots with the box with the dots....

Rihanna says chains and whips excite her

I doubt her ancestors felt the same way.

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop...

A man stands, chain smoking at a bus stop.

The woman standing next to him says "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"

"That's OK..." says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a programmer"

"So? What's that got to do...

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Even if Hitler had only run a fast food chain, it would have turned out terribly...

I mean, who wants to order the "Arbeit Macht Fries"?

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

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food chain joke

A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, "If only that fly would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it." A bear was in the lake and thought, "If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able to catch the fish." A hunt...

What kinds of windows does 2 chains own?

TWO PANES.

Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message . . .

. . . that said that if I don't forward it to 500 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight. I haven't sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I'm getting laid tonight.

Did you hear about the chain of German restaurants opening up this year?

They're going to be serving Sausages, Brats, Anne Franks.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

I saw a Dwarf who had escaped from prison climbing over a chain link fence. As he was climbing down the other side he scowled and stuck his tongue out at me and ran away...

I said to myself "That was a little condescending"

The Soviet chain factory

Once upon a time, there was a factory in the Soviet Union that made chains. When the communists took over, they abolished capitalism, and instead of selling chains the factory sent their production to the government to distribute, and were rewarded based on their production quotas set by the bureauc...

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

Chain jokes?

I just wanted to know some chain jokes, doesn't matter any kind. I have 1 but that's really all I know:

Q: Why did little Suzy get run over by a car?
A: She had no arms or legs!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not little Suzy

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A man and a woman are sitting at the bar ...

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar one night, drinking their problems away.

After a time, the man decides to ask the woman, "What's the matter, you seem really down?" The woman responds, "Well, it's just that my husband left me."

The man looked surprised as the woman was ...

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A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

A man dies on his trip to an island chain in Equador

and becomes a Galapaghost.

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