How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Why did the guitar player go to jail?

He fingered A-minor.

I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

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I like my women how I like my guitars

I fucking shred them

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?

Gsus

What’s the difference between a guitar, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

What’s the difference between a guitar, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

Person: I don’t know.

You can tuna guitar but you can’t guitar a tuna.

Person: didn’t you mention a pot of glue also?

I knew you’d get stuck on that.

What is a bartender's least favorite guitar chord?

A minor

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

What does Elecric Guitar And A Wife Have In Common?

You Pull One String They Make A Loud Sound

That Will Make You Lose Custody Of The Kids

Plz Karen

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

What did the piano say to the guitar?

You're out of key.

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

You can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass!

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?

B-minor

What do you call karate kid with high-end guitar amp?

Marshall artist

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum...

I knew it was a good pick.

What is it called when you break a guitar amp in a car accident?

A Fender Bender

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

Joe walked into a guitar shop looking to steal an instrument, hoping to go unnoticed.

Having run into problems with Joe in the past, the manager followed him and caught Joe trying to steal.

He grabbed him in the act and said, “I’m giving you a ban, Joe!”

To which Joe replied, “Awesome! I love banjos!”

What does a Spanish-speaking guitar say when it’s given instructions?

C Major

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

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Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

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A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

What do you call a biscuit that's terrible at playing the guitar?

A dodgy jammer

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

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I've just been fired from my job at the guitar store for sexual misconduct.

I was spending all day fiddling with G-strings.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

What does Al Gore play on his guitar?

Algorithm.

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

What do Kevin Spacey and a guitar player have in common?

They both like fingering minors.

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What is the difference between sex and a guitar?

It isn't against the law to finger minors on a guitar.

I'm surprised the FBI isn't monitoring r/guitar

Everyone is always talking about fingering minors over there

What did the banjo say to the worried guitar?

Don't fret

I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

What's the difference between a guitar and a banjo?

A guitar can get you laid, whereas a banjo can get you laid with your sister.

A local music shop is giving away free guitars!

No strings attached!

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

How do you call a bunch of strawberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

I think I need glasses for playing the guitar.

I can't even C#

What’s the difference between a baby and a guitar?

My guitar doesn’t turn blue when I string up it’s neck.

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

I always thought about playing the guitar

But there were just too many strings attached

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

What did the guitar say to the ukulele?

Uke, I am your father.

The Baby Guitar Felt Sick.

He Felt Like He Was Going To Uke.

My son told me I need to stop playing wonderwall on guitar

I said maybe..

Why are Guitar Centers built on one floor?

There are no stairways allowed

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

We should hang people with guitar strings

Then they could go out on a high note

A guitar player was panicking because he couldn't play his open strings

His instructor told him don't fret

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

To give away - One broken guitar...

No strings attached.

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