I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

My friend said he's learning bass guitar...

...Something about this sounds fishy.

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

A woman is on trial for beating her fiance to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says "first offender?" With a quizzical look the woman says "first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a t...

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

I’m proud to say I’ve taught myself to play the guitar in just a few months.

Want to know my secret? Stay tuned...

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

Did you know that Rick Astley only tunes his guitar up?

Because he never lets it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

My friend played the guitar for a broadway musical.

He thought it was worse than the time in fifth grade when he played a tree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so a horse is watchin MTV

The horse is seeing a rock band and thinks "hey I could do that." The horse calls up guitar center and is like "hey I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ha...

Blind people can’t play guitar

because they can’t C sharp.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

What's the difference between glue, tuna and a guitar?

You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna

I walked into the guitar shop & couldn't decide which plectrum to get

The guy at the counter: Why are you so picky?

Me: Don't come at me with that plucky attitude

Dad: Let's go home don't pick a fight

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

How can you tell when there's a guitar player at your door?

They dont know when to come in and they're using the wrong key.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those dr...

I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

Every time I see a white guy with a guitar at a party I ask myself...

I wonderwall he’s going to play?

There’s this lady who repairs guitar parts for young musicians.

Now she has the body of an 18 year old.

With all this quarantining we have to be especially careful of drummers

When this is over they’re gonna come out thinking they can play guitar and sing

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Prince's guitar and Donald Trump?

One's a sexy Fender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

You can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass!

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

What a strange day indeed

What a strange day this has been: First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?

B-minor

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

Looking to join a Heavy Metal band...

...I play the lead guitar.

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum...

I knew it was a good pick.

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

Where did the Viking buy his guitar?

Nordstrom’s

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.