John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

A woman is arrested for beating her husband up with his guitar collection.

The judge asked "First offender?"

The wife answered "No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender"

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

How many guitarists does it take to play Wonderwall?

Apparently, all of them.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered A minor

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

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A costumer came up to me asking to buy a new bass....

So I told him "sir, this is guitar center. You can buy guitars from us. If you want to purchase a bass, you'll have to go to bass pro shop."

Did you hear about the guitar that had a car crash?

It had a Fender bender

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

So a cow is watching someone play guitar on TV

He says "I wanna learn to play like that." and he goes to a music teacher, and asks him to teach him the guitar. "Well, it might be difficult, but I think I can teach a cow to play guitar."

A month goes by and the cow has mastered the guitar. A chicken walks by and hears the cow playing, and ...

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

You know I really want a new guitar.

But for now I'm too baroque.

If you can't think of a good guitar pun...

Don't fret.

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

TIL Damien Marley has a guitar he plays at live shows that was passed down to him from his father Bob

Now that's what I call an heir guitar!

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

It has been a bit of a strange day today...

First of all I found a hat full of money in the high street, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

Blind people can’t play guitar

because they can’t C sharp.

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

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I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Did you know that Rick Astley only tunes his guitar up?

Because he never lets it down.

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

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