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Guitar Jokes

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

Whats the difference between a guitar a tuna and glue

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue... I knew you would get stuck on that

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar.

I told him his accusations were bassless.

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a crash.

A real Fender bender.

Why didn’t the guitar drive to the store?

Because the piano had the keys

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

So I sold my guitar...

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."



All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

What do you call a Bigfoot shredding guitar in the woods?

Yeti Van Halen

Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who?

Martin, luthier king.

I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I replied: ‘Is that a fret?

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

What's orange and plays the guitar really well?

Fantana

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully a chord outside of h...

A guitar can never break 2 strings.

It can only become a large ukulele.

\[Mitch Hedberg RIP.\]

I sold my Kia Soul and bought a guitar and amp.

I guess you can say I sold my soul for rock n roll…

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

Bass guitar is so easy to learn...

...Even bass* players can do it.




*For bass players the joke is you’re dumb.

What is God's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus

Jesus paid Saint Peter a visit at the pearly gates

“How’s it going, Pete?”

“Kinda weird. Just had this nice older guy with a guitar come in, he said he was looking for a lost shaker of salt.

I said I don’t know where it is, but I thought I saw Mary Magdalene with one. He then just chuckled, said 'I knew it!' and walked away shaking h...

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

An algorithm.

What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?

Amanda Lynn

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Are you a guitar?

Because I want to wrap my hands around your neck.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...
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