UPJOKE
luteelectric guitaracoustic guitarbass guitarukuleleamplifierbluesviolinplectrumjazzsitardouble bassguitaristharmonicasaxophone

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

Whats the difference between a guitar a tuna and glue

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue... I knew you would get stuck on that

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

Why didn’t the guitar drive to the store?

Because the piano had the keys

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

since we live in Birmingham, I thought it would be a good idea to learn how to play home sweet Alabama on my guitar and play it for my sister.

She wasn't impressed, but our kids loved it!

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

A ship sinks, there are three survivors…

…a Chinese guy, a British guy and an American guy.

They meet on a deserted island. Soon, they realize they have to find a wat to get off the island if they are going to survive this mess. They get together on the beach and tasks are divided. The Britton searces the island for wood to make a ...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

What's orange and plays the guitar really well?

Fantana

I’m selling a guitar for £5

No strings attached.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

What do you call a sticky guitar?

A-gloustic

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

There's a TV show on later that will teach you how to make your guitar sound better.

Stay tuned.

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

What instrument do fish play?

The bass guitar

Poor ringo

The Beatles are sitting around a table in a diner. all of them are happily sitting there with their arms around their wives, all except for poor old Ringo.

  “Guys? I’m really getting the blues being all lonely here. How do you suggest going about getting a woman?” He asks, drumming his finge...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Did you hear about the guitar that had a car crash?

It had a Fender bender

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

I had a weird day today

First I found a can full of cash on the street, and then a man with a guitar started chasing me

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

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Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

Blind people can’t play guitar

because they can’t C sharp.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“Yeah, I play a little guitar!"

TIL Damien Marley has a guitar he plays at live shows that was passed down to him from his father Bob

Now that's what I call an heir guitar!

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What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

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A bandleader for a traveling music troupe decides to hold auditions one day

and encounters a man who claims that he's found a perfect new member for his troupe. To the bandleader's surprise, the man pulls an octopus from his bag, and explains that the octopus is a musical genius who can flawlessly play any instrument. Hoping to test the octopus, the bandleader hands it a gu...

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

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