I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

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Trying to get my dog to play a guitar...

But she’s just being a bitch.

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

What do you call strawberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

My friend said he's learning bass guitar...

...Something about this sounds fishy.

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering A minor.

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

I paid 75 dollars for my guitar at a pawn shop...

About five times.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a t...

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

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I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

I’m proud to say I’ve taught myself to play the guitar in just a few months.

Want to know my secret? Stay tuned...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele...

... then whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say “I play a little guitar”

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

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What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

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So, once upon a time......

A horse sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is ...

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There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

So I was paying for my lunch the other day

And there were 2 cash registers. It was halloween at the time and they were selling ghost cookies. I said to the cashier "Could I have a ghost cookie please?" And a woman at the other cash register said the same. Then I said "I guess you could say they're selling like ghost cookies!"

*strums ...

My friend played the guitar for a broadway musical.

He thought it was worse than the time in fifth grade when he played a tree.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Rhythm and blues

Never sign a contract for guitar lessons.
Too many strings attached.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

What's the difference between glue, tuna and a guitar?

You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna

"A few pennies, sir?" asked the homeless man.

I looked into his guitar case and said, "I'll pass, mate. There's not even enough for a sandwich in there! But thanks, anyway"

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

Did you know that Rick Astley only tunes his guitar up?

Because he never lets it down.

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

I walked into the guitar shop & couldn't decide which plectrum to get

The guy at the counter: Why are you so picky?

Me: Don't come at me with that plucky attitude

Dad: Let's go home don't pick a fight

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

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The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus in a tank

The man says to the bartender “I bet my octopus can play any instrument. If I win, I get free drinks all night. What do you say?” The bartender agrees. “Take him over to the piano. We’ll see how good this octopus really is.” The man walks over to the piano, lets the octopus out of the tank, and the ...

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A drunk walks into a bar holding and octopus.

Drunk walks up to the bartender, places his octopus on the bar next to him and says, I’ll bet you this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him he’ll play it. Drinks free for me all night if I win. Bartender agrees; he hands the octopus a guitar, and he starts playing the gui...

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

How can you tell when there's a guitar player at your door?

They dont know when to come in and they're using the wrong key.

I once met a very misfortunate polyamorous musician

He was in a no strings attached relationship with his guitar.

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

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What's the difference between Prince's guitar and Donald Trump?

One's a sexy Fender.

What does Elecric Guitar And A Wife Have In Common?

You Pull One String They Make A Loud Sound

That Will Make You Lose Custody Of The Kids

Plz Karen

Your new tinder bio

I only know how to play a little bit on the guitar, but I definitely know my way around a G-string

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

You can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass!

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

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