UPJOKE
luteelectric guitaracoustic guitarbass guitarukuleleamplifierbluesviolinplectrumjazzsitardouble bassguitaristharmonicasaxophone

Guitar Jokes

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a crash.

A real Fender bender.

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

Stealing guitars

Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?

Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.

Whats the difference between a guitar a tuna and glue

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue... I knew you would get stuck on that

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good News/ Bad News

A man walks into his doctor's office. The doc says "Have a seat." The man sits down and the doctor says " Well, I have good news and bad news. Which one would you like first?"
The man thinks for a second and says "I guess ill take the bad news first. Let's just get it over with."
The doctor re...

since we live in Birmingham, I thought it would be a good idea to learn how to play home sweet Alabama on my guitar and play it for my sister.

She wasn't impressed, but our kids loved it!

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

Why didn’t the guitar drive to the store?

Because the piano had the keys

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

I hit a minor for the first time today

I think I will like playing the guitar

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

I’m selling a guitar for £5

No strings attached.

What's orange and plays the guitar really well?

Fantana

What do you call a sticky guitar?

A-gloustic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

A ship sinks, there are three survivors…

…a Chinese guy, a British guy and an American guy.

They meet on a deserted island. Soon, they realize they have to find a wat to get off the island if they are going to survive this mess. They get together on the beach and tasks are divided. The Britton searces the island for wood to make a ...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

There's a TV show on later that will teach you how to make your guitar sound better.

Stay tuned.

What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

What instrument do fish play?

The bass guitar

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

Found a stone shaped like a guitar pick at the beach yesterday...

It's for rock music

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.