A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

[Dirty] Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?


How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

What do you call karate kid with high-end guitar amp?

Marshall artist

What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?


When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum...

I knew it was a good pick.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

What is it called when you break a guitar amp in a car accident?

A Fender Bender

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

What does a Spanish-speaking guitar say when it’s given instructions?

C Major

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"


The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a nude and a guitar accessory shaped like a penis?

One's a dick pic.

The other's a dick pick.

What do you call a biscuit that's terrible at playing the guitar?

A dodgy jammer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've just been fired from my job at the guitar store for sexual misconduct.

I was spending all day fiddling with G-strings.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

What's the difference between a guitar and a banjo?

A guitar can get you laid, whereas a banjo can get you laid with your sister.

What does Al Gore play on his guitar?


What did the banjo say to the worried guitar?

Don't fret

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between sex and a guitar?

It isn't against the law to finger minors on a guitar.

I'm surprised the FBI isn't monitoring r/guitar

Everyone is always talking about fingering minors over there

How do you call a bunch of strawberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar but you can’t TUNA FISH!

unless you play bass

I think I need glasses for playing the guitar.

I can't even C#

A local music shop is giving away free guitars!

No strings attached!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

Why are Guitar Centers built on one floor?

There are no stairways allowed

The Baby Guitar Felt Sick.

He Felt Like He Was Going To Uke.

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

My son told me I need to stop playing wonderwall on guitar

I said maybe..

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

What did the guitar say to the ukulele?

Uke, I am your father.

What’s the difference between a baby and a guitar?

My guitar doesn’t turn blue when I string up it’s neck.

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

I always thought about playing the guitar

But there were just too many strings attached

A guitar player was panicking because he couldn't play his open strings

His instructor told him don't fret

To give away - One broken guitar...

No strings attached.

The bacteria on U2's guitar player are total badasses.

They are living on The Edge.

What's God's favourite guitar chord?

What's the devil's favourite chord?

As a chemist, i'm not very good at the guitar...

...anyway, here's van der Waal

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.


In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says

"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

Just got a guitar for my little brother.


One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

Im so good at guitar,

That my neighbours decided to throw a brick at my window so that they could hear me better!

I sold my guitar to a man with no arms

I said to him "How will this work?"

And he replied "I'm not sure, I'll play it by ear"

A horse learns the guitar

So there once was a horse that wanted to learn how to play the guitar. So he goes around looking for someone to teach him, and soon he finds someone to teach him. After a white, the horse get REALLY good at playing the guitar so he tells his friend Duck about how he learned the guitar.

So the...

What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.

Doc, will I be able to play guitar after my arm heals?

Doc: Of course

Dude: Sick! I couldn't do that before!

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...