I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: First offender?

Attorney: No, your honor. First a Gibson. Then a Fender.

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A restaurant owners walks down the street and hears a homeless guy playing a guitar

He’s stunned by how beautiful his song is. It’s amazing; serene, gentle and uplifting.

He decides he wants to have the homeless guy play in his restaurant so he approaches him and asks for the name of the song.

The homeless guy tells him the song is called ‘Big Titty Mama’.

The...

What was Michael Jackson’s favourite guitar chord?

A minor ;)

I’m proud to say I’ve taught myself to play the guitar in just a few months.

Want to know my secret? Stay tuned...

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

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What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor.

Had the FBI kick open my door during guitar lessons today

All I did was finger a minor

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

Did you know that Rick Astley only tunes his guitar up?

Because he never lets it down.

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

I walked into the guitar shop & couldn't decide which plectrum to get

The guy at the counter: Why are you so picky?

Me: Don't come at me with that plucky attitude

Dad: Let's go home don't pick a fight

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

What's the difference between glue, tuna and a guitar?

You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

How can you tell when there's a guitar player at your door?

They dont know when to come in and they're using the wrong key.

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

I printed and taped the word “Just” in my guitar case.

I guess you could say, Just in case.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

What a strange day indeed

What a strange day this has been: First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

Every time I see a white guy with a guitar at a party I ask myself...

I wonderwall he’s going to play?

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Wait for it

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the mus...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

Looking to join a Heavy Metal band...

...I play the lead guitar.

Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?

Gsus

I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

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What's the difference between Prince's guitar and Donald Trump?

One's a sexy Fender.

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

What does Elecric Guitar And A Wife Have In Common?

You Pull One String They Make A Loud Sound

That Will Make You Lose Custody Of The Kids

Plz Karen

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

A grumpy, drunken, old cowboy was riding his horse near the Mexican border when he noticed it chewing on a strange, stout cactus.

Before long, the pony started behaving strangely, walking slowly and irregularly and not responding to the cowboys commands.
The cowboy became progressively more frustrated, as well as more drunk and more mean as he continued to glug himself into the depths of his whiskey bottle.
The horse ev...

You can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass!

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Russian soldier

The US and Russia have gone to war.  Several rowdy American soldiers have taken a Russian soldier as,a POW. After several days of failing to extract any useful intelligence, the soldier is told that if he can perform three tasks he will be set free but if he fails then he will face firing squad. 1st...

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

An interesting title

One time I was carrying a guitar, and fell down the stairs, and accidentally wrote a Nickleback song.

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 year...

What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?

B-minor

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the guitar shop?

He made off with a lot of lute.

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum...

I knew it was a good pick.

What do you call karate kid with high-end guitar amp?

Marshall artist

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

I made up a dad-style musician joke:

Q. What is Donald Trump's least favorite guitar chord?

A. G7

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

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3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

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A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

There was once a billionaire philanthropist with a curious idea....

"What would happen if he gave modern musical instruments to tribal people who have never been in contact with the outer world? He decided to do just that, and to return after 10 years. The tribesmen were given an electric guitar, bass, a drum kit, digital keys, everything needed to make music with o...

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

Why the long face?

There’s a horse in middle school, he doesn’t really have anything going for him, he’s watching MTV, sees jimmy hendrix playing, wants to be like him, asks his parents for a guitar, they deliberate but then give him one, he plays, gets really good, then gives up
Few years later, he’s in high schoo...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Guitar lesson

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been fired from my job at the guitar store for sexual misconduct.

I was spending all day fiddling with G-strings.

What does Al Gore play on his guitar?

Algorithm.

What do you call a biscuit that's terrible at playing the guitar?

A dodgy jammer

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a nude and a guitar accessory shaped like a penis?

One's a dick pic.

The other's a dick pick.

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