UPJOKE
luteelectric guitaracoustic guitarbass guitarukuleleamplifierbluesviolinplectrumjazzsitardouble bassguitaristharmonicasaxophone

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

What's orange and plays the guitar really well?

Fantana

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus.

He approaches the bar tender and says "I bet you a drink that it can play any instrument."

The bartender agrees and walks behind the bar returning with a trumpet.

The octopus examines the instrument for a minute and suddenly begins playing the instrument as good or better than Miles Da...

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

My friend told me he's worried about his guitar playing addiction.

I told him don't fret.

I’m selling a guitar for £5

No strings attached.

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

What do you call a sticky guitar?

A-gloustic

An electric confession!

A woman is on trial for beating her abusive husband to death with his guitar collection.


The judge asks her "First offender?"


She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

There's a TV show on later that will teach you how to make your guitar sound better.

Stay tuned.

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

I had a weird day today

First I found a can full of cash on the street, and then a man with a guitar started chasing me

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

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A horse is hanging out in a barn watching MTV.

He sees a guy on stage playing the guitar and says, "I want to learn the guitar!" So he calls up a music teacher and tells him he wants to learn the guitar. Only problem is, he's a horse. Music teacher says "no problem, come on in and I'll teach you guitar." Horse goes to see the music teacher and l...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

When’s the only time you can get away with fingering a minor with multiple witnesses?

When you’re playing guitar

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“Yeah, I play a little guitar!"

How many guitarists does it take to play Wonderwall?

Apparently, all of them.

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

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A bandleader for a traveling music troupe decides to hold auditions one day

and encounters a man who claims that he's found a perfect new member for his troupe. To the bandleader's surprise, the man pulls an octopus from his bag, and explains that the octopus is a musical genius who can flawlessly play any instrument. Hoping to test the octopus, the bandleader hands it a gu...

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

A man went into a music shop

A man went into a music shop looking for a new instrument.

The owner introduced him to a lot of different instruments: flutes, trumpets, drums and guitars but none of them caught the man's interest.

The man nearly gives up when he spots a saxophone hanging in the corner. He tries it an...

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

Did you hear about the guitar that had a car crash?

It had a Fender bender

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

If you can't think of a good guitar pun...

Don't fret.

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

You know I really want a new guitar.

But for now I'm too baroque.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Found a stone shaped like a guitar pick at the beach yesterday...

It's for rock music

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

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What is a priest's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus......you sick bastards.

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A costumer came up to me asking to buy a new bass....

So I told him "sir, this is guitar center. You can buy guitars from us. If you want to purchase a bass, you'll have to go to bass pro shop."

The Bell Ringer

A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" Hunchback: "I have a plan - but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is." .. So they climb all those stairs to the ...

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

What do you call a female police officer playing guitar?

She riff

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

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