I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered A minor

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

Why was the guitar late for work?

He got caught in a jam.

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

Did you hear about the guitar that had a car crash?

It had a Fender bender

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

What do playing a guitar and running a marathon have in common?

I can’t do either of them.

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

Michael Jordan is wheeled into the hospital for emergency surgery.

He’s brought into the operation room and meets his doctors, but he notices something strange. In the corner, there’s a stage being set up. An anesthesiologist is repeating jokes to herself and wiping her brow. The MRI techs are handling a soundboard in the back. The head surgeon is tuning a guitar b...

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

If you can't think of a good guitar pun...

Don't fret.

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

So a cow is watching someone play guitar on TV

He says "I wanna learn to play like that." and he goes to a music teacher, and asks him to teach him the guitar. "Well, it might be difficult, but I think I can teach a cow to play guitar."

A month goes by and the cow has mastered the guitar. A chicken walks by and hears the cow playing, and ...

You know I really want a new guitar.

But for now I'm too baroque.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

It has been a bit of a strange day today...

First of all I found a hat full of money in the high street, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

TIL Damien Marley has a guitar he plays at live shows that was passed down to him from his father Bob

Now that's what I call an heir guitar!

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

My friends make fun of me for only being able to play one Metallica song on guitar

It's Sad But True

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

Found a stone shaped like a guitar pick at the beach yesterday...

It's for rock music

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

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What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a t...

Blind people can’t play guitar

because they can’t C sharp.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m bisexual and I play bass and electric guitar

I suppose I string both ways

I was U2's bass player in their early days

One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.

I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.

A bass guitar and an oboe had an affair.

It was very low key.

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."


THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

My wife asked me if I was ever going to stop playing Wonderwall by Oasis on the guitar. And I said...

"Hey now, you're an--" and she smashed me in the mouth.

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

I walked into the guitar shop & couldn't decide which plectrum to get

The guy at the counter: Why are you so picky?

Me: Don't come at me with that plucky attitude

Dad: Let's go home don't pick a fight

Did you know that Rick Astley only tunes his guitar up?

Because he never lets it down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

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