The 88+ Best Guitar Jokes

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

Whats the difference between a guitar a tuna and glue

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue... I knew you would get stuck on that

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a crash.

A real Fender bender.

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who?

Martin, luthier king.

What do you call a Bigfoot shredding guitar in the woods?

Yeti Van Halen

Yesterday I bought a guitar made of chocolate.

It sounds pretty sweet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between playing bass guitar and masturbating?

At least people remember you if you masturbate on stage

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

Why didn’t the guitar drive to the store?

Because the piano had the keys

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them could spare me some change.

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.

(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

I sold my Kia Soul and bought a guitar and amp.

I guess you can say I sold my soul for rock n roll…

What do you call a female police officer who plays the guitar?

SHE RIFF

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

since we live in Birmingham, I thought it would be a good idea to learn how to play home sweet Alabama on my guitar and play it for my sister.

She wasn't impressed, but our kids loved it!

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback,

but completely ruined by too much.

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

I’m selling a guitar for £5

No strings attached.

What's orange and plays the guitar really well?

Fantana

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

I’m about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player

Stay tuned

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.

(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I went to the doctor and said my family are all sick of me playing the guitar

He said, if you keep picking it they won't ever get well.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

There's a TV show on later that will teach you how to make your guitar sound better.

Stay tuned.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?

Amanda Lynn

A Priest was explaining how much he loved Jesus to a guitar player.

The guitar player replied " I love Gsus2".

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

i have a triangular-shaped pebble i use to strum my guitar

It's for rock music.

What would you call a progressive rock band that plays psychedelic Spanish guitar on your front lawn?

Pink Flamenco

What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

An algorithm.

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten: one to screw it in and nine to say, "Pssh, I can do that."

My neighbor likes to make a big deal about how SOME people prefer listening to rock music that's made using only a guitars, drums, and vocals. At first I thought he was just an opinionated music listener but...

I'm starting to think he's a bassist.

I hadn't picked up my guitar in years. But since quarantine started, I've....

Benjamin Moore

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a metal statue of a virgin playing an electric guitar?

An iron maiden

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

How do you attract a US politician with just a guitar?

B minor

Found a stone shaped like a guitar pick at the beach yesterday...

It's for rock music

How do you tell if a Guitar Shop is Shady?

The Employees tell you "there's no strings attached."

Some of you may be nervous about your first guitar lesson.

Don't fret about it.

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

What is a priest’s favourite guitar chord?

Gsus

A friend of mine was worried sick after he had lost his guitar. He asked me to help him.

“It’s ok” I said, “don’t fret”

What happens when you cross a hyiena with a guitar?

You get a Yamaha ha ha ha ha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a kebab street food restaurant

“One classic portion with extra sauce please.”

The man in the window writes down the order and yells to the back:

“One Oh fuck with a guitar”

“What?! That’s not what I ordered!”, replies the confused customer.

“Oh don’t worry. It’s just our slang for your order sir.”
<...

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

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