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Guitar Jokes

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

Whats the difference between a guitar a tuna and glue

You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish and your probably wondering what about the glue... I knew you would get stuck on that

What was the guitar teacher arrested for?

Fingering a minor

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar.

I told him his accusations were bassless.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between playing bass guitar and masturbating?

At least people remember you if you masturbate on stage

So I sold my guitar...

I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."



All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

My girlfriend asked if I could play wonderwall on the guitar.

I said "maybe".

What do you call a Bigfoot shredding guitar in the woods?

Yeti Van Halen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

My friend's worried he's addicted to playing guitar

I told him not to fret but he says he can't help it

How many guitars does a guitarist need?

Just one more.

On the first test drive of my guitar-shaped car, I had a crash.

A real Fender bender.

Why didn’t the guitar drive to the store?

Because the piano had the keys

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

Do you want to know the secret of making your guitar sound better?

If so, stay tuned.

Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who?

Martin, luthier king.

I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I replied: ‘Is that a fret?

A guitar can never break 2 strings.

It can only become a large ukulele.

\[Mitch Hedberg RIP.\]

My friend asked me how I got so good at guitar.

I told him I'm use to fingering minors.

A horse had a life long dream of playing the guitar

So there was a horse, and this horse always had a dream of playing the guitar.

So the horse calls up a music shop and he says, “Hey, I want to learn how to play the guitar.”

The music shop employee goes “That’s great we’ll set you up for music lessons.”

The horse responds “We...

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

A Blues guitar walks into a bar...

... and the bartender says "Sorry... minors aren't allowed in here."

What's the difference between a guitar player and a couch?

A couch can support a family.

I sold my Kia Soul and bought a guitar and amp.

I guess you can say I sold my soul for rock n roll…

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

Did you hear about the famous musician who was buried in a guitar-shaped coffin?

He had to have 8 Les Paulbearers.


(Co-written by u/no_need_really)

What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

What's orange and plays the guitar really well?

Fantana

What do you call 12th century guitar music transcribed into a computer format?

Midieval.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

“I play a little guitar!"

Did you hear about the European country ruled by small guitars?

I think it’s called Uke-reign.


(I came up with this I’m so proud of myself)

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

What's a pigeon's favorite guitar?

A "coo" stick guitar

Why are guys always looking at girl guitar players?

They're checking out their G-Strings

Dracula with a guitar:

anyvays here’s vondervall

An Idaho man walked 3.4 miles while balancing a guitar on his chin

setting a new World Record for carrying a tune.

I really like guitars

They just strike a chord with me

Did you hear about the autistic guitar pick?

He’s a plectrum on the spectrum.

Bass guitar is so easy to learn...

...Even bass* players can do it.




*For bass players the joke is you’re dumb.

What is God's favorite guitar chord?

Gsus

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever h...

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

Jesus paid Saint Peter a visit at the pearly gates

“How’s it going, Pete?”

“Kinda weird. Just had this nice older guy with a guitar come in, he said he was looking for a lost shaker of salt.

I said I don’t know where it is, but I thought I saw Mary Magdalene with one. He then just chuckled, said 'I knew it!' and walked away shaking h...

What do you call blackberries playing the guitar?

A jam session.

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

What happened when Stevie Ray went to a guitar playing contest?

He vaughan

What did Al Gore play on his guitar?

An algorithm.

What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?

Amanda Lynn

What do you call a thick, sticky liquid that also can’t play bass guitar?

SID VISCOUS!

I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

A woman is arrested for killing her guitar player husband

She is accused of bashing her husband's head in with his guitars because he never paid any attention to her.

In her first court appearance, the judge looks at the woman and asks: “First offender?"

The woman replies: “No. First it was a Gretsch, followed by a Gibson, and then a Fender."

Are you a guitar?

Because I want to wrap my hands around your neck.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

What’s Waluigi’s favorite guitar petal?

The Cry Baby

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

What do you call a guitar you inherit from your parents?

An heir guitar.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

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