A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

Why was the guitar teacher arrested?

For fingering a minor

(also this is not my joke I just thought it was good)

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

Why did the guitar teacher get fired?

Because he fingered a minor

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.

My son recently started bass guitar lessons.
"How was your first bass lesson, son?" I asked.
"Great!" He said. "I learned The E note!"
After the next lesson I asked, "How was your second bass lesson, son?"
"Great! I learned the A note!" He replied.
After the next lesson I asked "Ho...

Did you know Jeffery Epstien was an accomplished guitar player?

He was especially good at fingering A minor.

Why did the priest learn guitar?

So he could finger A minor.

My friend asked me who was the first band to start smashing guitars.

Impressed, I told him he was right.

Blind people can’t play guitar

because they can’t C sharp.

What's the difference between glue, tuna and a guitar?

You can tuna guitar but you can't guitar a tuna

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

I messed up during a guitar recital.

I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

If Gods favorite guitar chords is a Gsus....

The is the Priest's favorite chord A minor?

The cops questioned my guitar because

Someone told them it was a Fender.

So I walks into a guitar shop having a clearance sale

I was fretting when I saw most of the stock had sold out. Luckily the owner pulled some strings for me!

How can you tell when there's a guitar player at your door?

They dont know when to come in and they're using the wrong key.

What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

Homeless

I printed and taped the word “Just” in my guitar case.

I guess you could say, Just in case.

We named our guitar school after Michael Jackson

First lesson: fingering A minor

There’s this lady who repairs guitar parts for young musicians.

Now she has the body of an 18 year old.

I picked up guitar as a hobby.

But guitar isn’t the only thing I’ve learned to finger because of it.

Why couldn't the fisherman play his guitar?

Because he lost his tuna

Why are guitar shops always on one level?

Because No Stairway.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

They say girls go crazy if you can play the guitar.

Well she left when she heard I was looking for A flat and had tried to get my fingers in A minor. All I really needed was Gsus.

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What's the difference between Prince's guitar and Donald Trump?

One's a sexy Fender.

When I was younger I wanted to play the guitar really badly

Now after years of hard work, practice, and determination, I can play the guitar really badly

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Seven: One to do it, and six others saying "psh, I can do that better."

Hey guitar players, what's God's favourite chord?

Gsus

Ever hear Colonel Sanders playing guitar?

Well he’s finger-pickin’ good!

Does Freddie know how to play guitar?

No, but Brian may

I just sold a guitar to a guy with no arms.

I asked him why he wanted it and he said “I’m going to play it by ear”.

How do you attract a priest who likes to play guitar?

B Minor!

What does Elecric Guitar And A Wife Have In Common?

You Pull One String They Make A Loud Sound

That Will Make You Lose Custody Of The Kids

Plz Karen

It's been a bit of a strange day...

First I found a hat full of money... Then I got
chased down the road by an angry man with a
guitar?

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

You can tune a guitar,

but you can't tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass!

I told the guy at the guitar shop "I'm not sure how I feel about this guitar"

He said, "With your hands"

Guitar is my religion.

I’m lucky if I practice it for an hour each week.

Someone ran up to me with a guitar and said they would hit me with it

I then said “is that a fret”

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

My girlfriend caught me trying to stick a tiny blonde wig and a guitar onto a wasp...

She pleaded, "Don't do that! You'll make him Sting!"

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

Why the long face?

There’s a horse in middle school, he doesn’t really have anything going for him, he’s watching MTV, sees jimmy hendrix playing, wants to be like him, asks his parents for a guitar, they deliberate but then give him one, he plays, gets really good, then gives up
Few years later, he’s in high schoo...

A person needs to write a letter, but when he picks up an instrument to write with, he realizes

He can’t write with a guitar

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?

He was a Clapton maniac.

What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?

B-minor

I bought a guitar made out of diamond..

now I can play some hard rock.

When I finally found the perfect guitar plectrum...

I knew it was a good pick.

What do you call karate kid with high-end guitar amp?

Marshall artist

What is it called when you break a guitar amp in a car accident?

A Fender Bender

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

I was trying to practice on my guitar by playing some rock and the homeowners association gave me a written warning for the loud noise

Guess paper beats rock again

Did you hear about the guy who robbed the guitar shop?

He made off with a lot of lute.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Guitar lesson

Some bloke just said he's going to smash my head in with the neck of a guitar

I said "is that a fret?"

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

They just invented a mobile computing device that also plays guitar

The "Eric Claptop"

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

A person is taking guitar lessons

and he's getting upset that he isn't learning as quickly as he'd like to. So he tells the instructor this and the instructor says, "You'll get the hang of it eventually. Don't fret."

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right ...

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So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

I learned a new guitar fingering technique and used it on A minor

Today I got sent to prison

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Which is the sexiest guitar string?

The G string.

A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded:

"DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"

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A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

I used to play guitar in my room when I was a child, and it was my dream to make it big. Fast forward twenty years, and now I play to thousands of people a week.

If only some of them gave me their change.

A guitarist goes to a bar

He orders a gin and tonic

then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.

The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"

To which the guitarist replies:

"No, Pentatonic."

I heard an Iraqi guitar tutor is offering to teach guitarists songs in obscure tunings

Lessons will be in BAGDAD

"Tell me what you want." I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned...

"I want my guitar back."

I had to return my new mail-order guitar

So I marked it "return to Fender"

What's the difference between a guitar and a banjo?

A guitar can get you laid, whereas a banjo can get you laid with your sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie was travelling in through the Middle East when his passport and wallet are stolen, leaving him stranded with only the shirt on his back and his trusty guitar.

After a couple of days roughing it on the streets, he decides to play his guitar and busk for money.

He starts strumming out a tune and a small crowd gathers round. As he continues, one of the men from the crowd starts dancing and jiving infront of him.

The hippie finishes his song and...

What do you call a biscuit that's terrible at playing the guitar?

A dodgy jammer

What do you call a prejudiced 4 stringed guitar player?

A racist bassist

I offered to get my old air mattress for a homeless guy the other day.

Thanks! He replied enthusiastucally. I then told him id throw in my air guitar aswell as I walked away laughing.

What does Al Gore play on his guitar?

Algorithm.

I'm surprised the FBI isn't monitoring r/guitar

Everyone is always talking about fingering minors over there

Piracy is killing the music industry...

You try playing a guitar with a hook.

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I've just been fired from my job at the guitar store for sexual misconduct.

I was spending all day fiddling with G-strings.

I'm OK at guitar

but I can't pick up the piano.

My friend laughed when I told him I could make an instrument sound better with fish.

He didn’t laugh for long when he saw how I could tuna guitar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between sex and a guitar?

It isn't against the law to finger minors on a guitar.

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

Why do pedophiles like to play guitar?

Because it's completely ok to finger A minor

My friends are like my guitar.

I don't have a guitar...

I built the most American guitar ever

Made completely out of mirror polished, stainless steel from the World Trade Center in the shape of a bald eagle carrying a rifle.

Only has one octave, but I enjoy playing it, from C to shining C.

A local music shop is giving away free guitars!

No strings attached!

What did the banjo say to the worried guitar?

Don't fret

What do Kevin Spacey and a guitar player have in common?

They both like fingering minors.

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