Why did the thief knife himself after he was caught stealing violas and cellos from an orchestra?

He didn't have a safe Haydn place, and he couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.

Wife: Where do you think you're going?

Me: I got a gig.

Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?

Me: I got a new one.

Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?

Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola ...

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Young sex

A 25 year old is at a bar with a coworker. He’s telling stories a out all the crazy shit his girlfriend wants to do in bed, that she wants it day and night and wont take no for an answer. The coworker replies”i mean thats gotta be pretty awesome”. The man replies dude you have no idea. It was ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You stole my viola, cello, and double bass.

You made me so angry, I'm violint now.

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

What's the difference between roadkill and a viola in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks leading up to the roadkill.

How does a viola greet a relative?

Cello!

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before jumping on a trampoline.

How many viola players does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - they can't reach that high

What did the viola say to her daughter before crossing the street?

You better C^♯ or you'll B^♭

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?

Even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

How do you keep a violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A violist's 3 wishes...

Joe is a violist in the Kansas Radio Symphony. One day, as Joe is walking home from work, viola in hand, he stumbles across a peculiar looking lamp. Being utterly dissatisfied with his life, Joe rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.



"Waddya want?" the genie asks in a Jersey accent. Joe ...

What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

A man wants to audition for a band...

The band has advertised that they're looking for a drummer. The man comes to the tryout, fully prepared with a truck full of instruments and his drum sticks. He waited in a long line to get through the door, and when it was finally his turn, he was ecstatic! The woman who was holding the tryouts ask...

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