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Trumpet Jokes

What Do You Call An Arrogant Trumpet Player?

A Brass-Hole

What do u call it when a trumpet farts?

A toot !

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it th...

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Man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."

People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
...

Why do you blow in a trumpet?

Because it sounds better if you don't suck.

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

My new neighbor practices the trumpet at 6 in the morning, then listens to thrash metal at max volume after midnight.

Don't worry though. I've let him know that if he stops doing the first thing, I'll let him stop the second too.

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

If you suck at playing the trumpet...

...that's probably why.

My neighbor who had horrible jokes passed away this week. This was one of his favorites. Enjoy a good (bad) pun in his memory.

Where do trumpet players hang out after work?

Hornpub

I taught my pet dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground today

He went from Barking to Tooting in about 15 minutes

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

What does a trumpet have in common with King Tut?

They have the fact that both toot in common

I want the trumpets from “Uptown Funk” to play in the background wherever I go.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five; one to actually change the lightbulb and four to stand around watching saying "I could do it better than him."

A priest goes in a safari...

A priest goes on a safari in Africa. He gets separated from the group and has the bad luck of finding himself alone, facing a hungry lion.
Priest: "Dear Lord, I haven't asked for much in life, but if it is of Thy all-knowing will, please concede me the grace that this lion be imbued with Christi...

After unsuccessfully trying to post here, I finally gave up and messaged the mods asking what the deal was. They sent me back pictures of flutes, trombones, trumpets, tubas and cymbals. Confused, I asked what that meant. They answered...

Your band!

Why does Jabba the Hutt play trumpet?

He likes to take Solos.

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”

One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.

A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other

I have a trumpet that tells the hour.
"The hour?" the friend asks.
Yes, yes look.... he grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy when all of a sudden you can hear...
"You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

What did the Scottish woman do when she found a trumpet buried in her garden?

She had to root-e-toot

If you suck at playing the trumpet

That's probably why

What's worse than your neighbor playing the trumpet at 4 am?

Him not quite knowing how to play the trumpet at 4 am

And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”

God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.

John: Trumpets, got it.

God: No... ah, forget it.

I'm good at playing loud on the trumpet, guitar, and drums.

But piano was never really my forte.

A good drummer, a bad drummer, a trumpeter and a clarinetist are standing im each corner of a football field

You throw $100 in the middle of the field. Who gets the money first?

The bad drummer. There are no good drummers, the trumpeter doesn’t move for just 100 bucks and the clarinetist didn’t understand the game.

What does a trumpet player use as contraception?

His personality.

What do you do with a rubber trumpet?

Join an elastic band.

For the life of me, I cannot find a trumpet for my castrated friend! I guess they really are...

Eunuch horns

Satchmo: "My trumpet is very handy. It tells me what time it is." Sanborn: "Seriously?" Satchmo launches into a jazzy riff.

Immediately, the occupant of the apartment next door bangs on the wall and hollers, "Hey, pipe down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

Last time I rode the train in London, I taught my dog to play the trumpet.

We went from Barking to Tooting.

(you may need to be British to get this joke but trust me it's amazing)

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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What did the anthropomorphic trumpet say when he saw the other anthropomorphic trumpet which was really attractive and aroused him?

I'm horny

What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet?

A prosti-toot

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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

An orchestra conductor calls 911. “Help! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?”

The 911 operator says “Simple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.”

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Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie,

and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Langon can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno ...

What do you call a trombone that was born into the body of a trumpet?

A ***TRANS***-^bone.

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

How did the jewish ram’s-horn trumpet get it’s name?

Because you can hear it from shofar away.

Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director

Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake?
"Hi, I'm better than you"

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs ...

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A drunk walks into a music store

Drunken man: "I want the trumpet and the accordion!"
The salesman answers that these are not for sale. The drunk leaves the store irritated.
The next day he comes back, more energetic: "I want the trumpet and the accordion!
The salesman is slightly annoyed, says that he will not sell them ...

What is the loudest kind of pet?

A trumpet

My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 3AM... who does that??

Luckily I happened to be up practicing my trumpet

What do you call someone wearing a "Make Jazz Great Again" hat?

A Trumpet Supporter

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Visit to the in-laws

So Barry is visiting his in-laws after a night spent drinking heavily. In his hungover state he is desperate to do a fart, and tries to edge one out carefully, but loses control and it makes a loud trumpeting sound.


And the host yells at their dog "Get out of it Spot, get out from u...

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Pissed-off drummer is tired of people saying he's not a real musician.

Goes to the music store and says, "I'll show
'em. Gimme that red trumpet and that accordion."

Music store guy says, "You can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator has to stay."

Joke translated from Russian

I young writer asks his dad to help with the title for the first book he has written. Without reading the book, dad asks his son:

<Dad> Is there anything about drum?

<Son> No, there is nothing about drums..

<Dad> Anything about trumpets?

<Son> And ...

Three nuns die in a car crash

They ascend to heaven and are met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. “Before you can enter Heaven you must each answer a question to prove your piety.”
He turns to the first nun and asks “How many commandments did God give to Moses?” The nun says “Oh, that’s easy, 10!” Ba Bada Bah! The trumpet...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and sets it on top of the counter. He says "Anyone that can hand this octopus a musical instrument it cannot play, I will give you $5,000." The first person hands it a trumpet. The octopus takes a look, then spins it around, looks at it then proceed...

A fart is just a booty call.

Especially if it's got that classy trumpet tone.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

The new tenants

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.

Renter: They are ok. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.

Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.

Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then...

Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

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I just got a blowjob!

Yeah, they pay me to play the trumpet now!

There are only two instruments mentioned in the Bible

Trumpets and saxophones when they mention the "wailing of the damned"

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

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A guy and his pet octopus walk into a bar...

Once inside the guy proclaims that his pet octopus can play ANY instrument to perfection and begins taking $100 bets. The first patron approaches with a guitar. "Let's see him play this!" The octopus grabs the guitar and starts jamming out like Jimi Hendrix. Another patron approaches with a trumpet....

What happens to an elephant that loses his trunk?

He's truncated.

My 8 year old son told me that joke this morning. He didn't know what truncate meant, he just replaced the mp sound of trumpet with the nk sound, and said trunket. He'll make a good dad some day.

What is the best instrument to keep as a pet?

A trumpet

So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in...

Jess loved to date musicians

One night, she has a date with a trumpeter. When she returned home, her housemate asked 'So was the trumpeter a potential keeper?'


'No' replied Jess 'His lips were so tight and dry. He was no fun to kiss'


The next night, she has a date with a tubist. Again, Jess returns hom...

Three nuns died and went to heaven...

They were standing before the pearly gates and St. Peter told them they must each answer a Biblical question correctly to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first nun stepped up and Peter asked "What was the name of the first man on Earth?". The nun quickly answered "Adam", and the trumpets bl...

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What is the difference between Donald Trump and a loud fart?

One is a trumpeting asshole, and the other is an asshole trumpeting

One thing at a time.

Once upon a time, a little old lady went to the doctor.

She said, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I've had an constant problem with flatulence for weeks now. It's not much inconvenience, because they're quiet, and they don't stink, but I've farted 4 times just while I explained this to ...

Which is the President's favorite musical instrument?

The Trumpet.

My neighbor kept knocking on the wall yesterday night...

Fortunately, I wasn't sleeping, I was playing trumpet!

I couldn’t sleep last night

My neighbor was bonking on my wall at 3:00 a.m. can you imagine? 3:00 a.m.? What an idiot! He was lucky I was just practicing on my trumpet.

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

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