There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

Santa, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill on the sidewalk. Who picks it up?

The drunk of course. The other three are imaginary.

My wife and I were walking out of a restaurant with a doggie bag, when we saw a young teen in shabby clothes sitting on the sidewalk

He asked if he could have our leftovers, so I gladly gave them to him.

I asked him if he was an orphan.

He said "Yes I am - what gave me away?"

I replied "Obviously, your parents."

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict an alcoholic and a chain smoker go to a hypnotist.

The hypnotist tells all three while under hypnosis, if they ever indulge in there vices again they will die immediately after.

On the way back from the hypnotist the 3 men are walking by a bar. The alcoholic can't help himself. He says "fuck it. That guy way full shit. There's no way one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two mice are walking down a New York sidewalk.

A beautiful woman passes them. The first mouse says “Wow! Did you see the ass on her?!” The other mouse responds “It was nice, but I’m a titmouse myself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house." The man, very grateful, replie...

Two blind men.

This morning I had to break up a fight on the sidewalk. Two blind men going at it with their canes.
I said: "Break it up guys,What the hell is going on here!"
Blind man 1:"You owe me fifty dollars!"
Blind man 2: "I don't understand what the hell his problem is!, I told YOU! ,"I WILL PAY YOU...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a fruit fetishist and a guy who slips on a sidewalk have in common?

"Fucking banana peels!!"

What do you get when you cross a sidewalk and a street?

You get to the other side of the street.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke I Heard From David Sedaris!

Saw him on tour last night, shamelessly repeating here:

Two Jews are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign in the window: CONVERT NOW FOR $500

"That's a lot of money," says Hershel. "For shame! My mother would kill me if I converted." Responds Eli. Hershel shrugs, ...

Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.

He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

Harvard Bridge

The Harvard Bridge in Boston that runs to MIT is measured in "smoots," after a 1958 fraternity prank where freshman Oliver Smoot was used as a device to measure the bridge.

There are various humorous side stories, such as:

1. when the bridge was rehabbed in the 1980s, the sidewalks wer...

An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.

The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?"

They answer one at a time:

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Sí."

"Ja."

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood…

…when I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

What did the sidewalk say when it fell in love?

It was cement to be.

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day....

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day. It's extremely blustery and everything is blowing around.

He approaches a woman walking the other way who is struggling in the wind. All of a sudden, her skirt blows up! It turns upward, covering her face. The woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbors were stunned when the sidewalk had a huge, ground-shaking orgasm.

I wasn’t surprised. I had been edging it for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking on the sidewalk.

One of the two men stops the other.

-Be careful ! There is dog shit right there.

-You’re wrong, it is not shit.

-Yes it is.

-No it’s not ! You know what ? I’m going to prove it.

The man sticks his finger in the brownish thing and licks it.

-Oh you were right...

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...

A former drug dealer goes to the local church to confess his sins.

„Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.“ says the man. „I have made a huge amount of money in my loge and have become very rich while doing wrong to many many others. Can the good Lord forgive me and give me another chance?“

The priest hears his confession, thinks a bit and then answers from t...

What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees an old lady dragging two large garbage bags down the sidewalk...

He takes a closer look and sees that one of the bags has a small tear in it and $20 bills are escaping from the hole every few yards. The officer approaches the lady and asks what's in the bags. "This one's filled with $20 bills", she replies. "Where did you get all that money?", the policeman enqui...

A Jewish man is walking down the sidewalk. As he goes to cross the street he is hit by a car and hurled through the air causing him to hit his head. A beautiful woman sees this and takes off her coat as she runs over to the man. She lifts his head and places the jacket under his head.

She tells the man not to move and that she is going to call for an ambulance.

But before she gets up to get her phone out and call she asks the man, “Are you comfortable?”

To which the man replies, “Eh, I make a living.”

Two fleas walk out of a bar late one night and stand on the sidewalk.

One turns to the other and says, "Eddie, you want to walk, or take a dog?

A drill was waiting on a sidewalk

A car pulled over and the driver, a hammer, asked : how much for some good time?

The drill : sorry I don't screwdrivers.

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn't. It used the sidewalk.

Why did the driver run over the sidewalk?

He wanted to flatten the curb

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.....

He was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I'm really impressed and appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you keeps digging holes, and then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy is sitting on the sidewalk smashing ants, yelling god damn ants every time, when

A priest walks up to him and asks him “what are you doing son?” The kid replies, “I’m killing these worthless god damn ants.” The priest than says to the kid, “God put all things on earth to have some sort of worth or value.” The kid stops and the Priest walks away.

5 minutes later a nun walk...

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

Three shoelaces are walking down the sidewalk when they come across a bar

A sign sits in front of the bar which reads, “no shoelaces aloud” the first shoelace says, “no sign can stop me!” And makes his way into the bar, the barkeeper notices the shoelace, and says, “hey! You’re a shoelace, no shoelaces are aloud in my bar!” And he grabs the shoelace by the neck, and throw...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk...

A lizard mom is pushing her newborn down the sidewalk in a stroller when a neighbor approaches.

"How cute! What's your baby's name?"

"Tiny," says the lizard mom. "Because he's my newt."

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

I really owe a lot to sidewalks.

They've been keeping me off the streets for years.

I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk

For keeping me off the street.

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

I just want to give a quick shout-out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

After a night of drinking a man decides to go for a nightcap

After drinking he was pretty hammered but was close to home and decided he could go for one more round.

He walks into the bar and asks for a drink, but was obviously hammered and the bartender told him, "I'm sorry sir you appear drunk and I will not serve you."

So the man walks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "O...

So an African migrant is strolling down a sidewalk in Nuremberg.

He comes up to the first man he sees and says "Thank you, for allowing me to come to Germany. Thank you for giving me health care, and a place to live, and food to eat."

The man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Albanian."

The African says "Oh, excuse me" and continues walkin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the sidewalk together...

The priest sees a young boy in the distance and says to the rabbi, *"hey, lets go fuck that kid"*... The rabbi turns to the priest and asks, *"out of what?"*

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

People really need to appreciate sidewalks more

Who else kept you off the streets growing up?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."

"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.

"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk and try to decide how to spend it.
The first boy says "we should go buy a comic book". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that once they've read it, they'll have nothing left.
The second boy says "we should go buy candy". The other 2 decide aga...

What's cold, blue and waiting on the sidewalk?

A frostitute.

(It worked better in German :P)

An economist walks by a hundred dollar bill ...

... on the sidewalk but decides not to pick it up, because if it were really there, someone would have picked it up already.

I got into an argument with a lady over the way I drive

I told her “If you don’t like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk”

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"

She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"

"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

Why was the insecure comedian always talking to the old sidewalk?

Because it was always cracking up.

(Inspired by my 7yo kid)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two potatoes standing on the sidewalk. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sticker Idaho.

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk

The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the sidewalk pissed?

Because people kept walking all over him.

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk?

She was given a ticket for littering.

Came across a body lying on the sidewalk

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.


The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”


“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.


“S-i-c-k…” the m...

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl with her new bike is standing on the sidewalk.

A policeman comes riding by on a horse. He asks the girl: „Did Santa give you that bike?“

„Yes he did!“, answered the girl.

„I‘m sorry little one, but I‘ll have to give you a fine. Tell Santa that the next bike has to have lights.“, the policeman said.

Then the girl asked the ...

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "f...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

A re-purposed religious joke for current events

A man went out without a mask, and was met with glaring eyes everywhere he went. He finally got to the store when someone confronted him as he got in.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to put on a mask. It's policy to wear one when you come in" said the guard blocking the doorway.

"No! I d...

I was arrested for blocking a bunch of children on a sidewalk

"You're creating a major disturbance." The police officer says.

To which I responded "no, I'm only creating a minor disturbance."

Two guys are walking down the sidewalk, one guy walks into a bar...

The other guy ducks.

I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house.

The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

What do you call a sidewalk that swindles you out of your money?

CON-crete

Ding, ding, ding

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the ...

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes you just have to accept the facts of a situation.....

Back in the 20s when most kitchens didn't have refrigerators but ice boxes instead, a man is driving a horse drawn wagon selling blocks of ice around town.

Rolling thru the streets he'd call out "Ice! Ice for sale! Ice!"

A lady on the 5th floor of one building he's passing yells down,...

I feel like a crushed Coke can on the sidewalk.

Soda pressed.

Two Atoms

Two atoms were walking down the sidewalk and suddenly one slips off the curb and says "Oh no, I've lost my electron!"
The other atom says "Are you sure?"
1st atom says "Yes, I'm positive!"

Two friends found a dog on the sidewalk...

...they saw a name tag, and it said "Love". Billy and Andrew looked around, but an owner was nowhere to be found, so they decided to keep it.

"Come here, Love," Billy would say, but the dog wouldn't respond at all. Billy decided to give it a new name, and since it didn't follow directions, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy came home from work early and found his girlfriend on the sidewalk with her suitcases.

"I'm leaving you" she said.
"Leaving?? Why??"
"I found out that you're a pedophile."
"Pedophile??" he said. "Isn't that an awfully big word for a twelve year old?"

I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.

"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"

A drunk white guy swerves and hits 2 black teens walking down the sidewalk

One went through the windshield, the other was flung 50 yards away.

When the police show up, they charge the first kid with breaking and entering and the other with fleeing the scene of a crime.

An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...

It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the hell, why not?” He asks for a seat outside.

He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an appl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

A drunk stumbles out of the bar, sees a nun on the sidewalk and pops her one right in the nose...

while she's on the ground crying, he says,"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.