This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

A married couple touring Israel sat outside at a Bethlehem sidewalk cafe, waiting for their friends. A peddler approached them, his arm loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales plea yielded nothing, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.” “Yes, I am,” said the wife. He pointed to her husband and asked her, “Is he your husband?” ...

I owe a lot to sidewalks

They've been keeping me off the streets for years

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

I’d like to give a big shout out to all the sidewalks out there...

...for keeping me off the streets.

Why was the insecure comedian always talking to the old sidewalk?

Because it was always cracking up.

(Inspired by my 7yo kid)

A fat girl is sitting on a sidewalk crying, then a fairy comes and says,

"Why are you crying little girl.."

The fat girl responds, "All the kids are laughing at me for being fat!"

The fairy then says, "I will grant you one wish, I suppose your wish is t-" She is interrupted and the girl says

"I'd like 3 burgers and a large Coke!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

I like to draw shapes in the sidewalk with chalk...

But the street is where I draw the line

I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"

She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"

"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

So an African migrant is strolling down a sidewalk in Nuremberg.

He comes up to the first man he sees and says "Thank you, for allowing me to come to Germany. Thank you for giving me health care, and a place to live, and food to eat."

The man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Albanian."

The African says "Oh, excuse me" and continues walkin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

Sidewalks need to be fixed!

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would...

Came across a body lying on the sidewalk

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.


The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”


“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.


“S-i-c-k…” the m...

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are two potatoes standing on the sidewalk. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sticker Idaho.

One day a woman went into labor on the sidewalk

The postman across the road saw the woman collapse and ran over to see what he could do to help. He called the ambulance however they where a considerable distance from the nearest hospital and no doctor would be able to reach them in time so the woman, in visible pain, asked if he had any experienc...

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

What's cold, blue and waiting on the sidewalk?

A frostitute.

(It worked better in German :P)

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk and try to decide how to spend it.
The first boy says "we should go buy a comic book". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that once they've read it, they'll have nothing left.
The second boy says "we should go buy candy". The other 2 decide aga...

Why can't you make sidewalks out of mushrooms?

They're too easy to trip on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl with her new bike is standing on the sidewalk.

A policeman comes riding by on a horse. He asks the girl: „Did Santa give you that bike?“

„Yes he did!“, answered the girl.

„I‘m sorry little one, but I‘ll have to give you a fine. Tell Santa that the next bike has to have lights.“, the policeman said.

Then the girl asked the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dreading another day of being teased and bullied at school, Tyrone was trudging along the sidewalk,

dragging his hand along the neighbor's fences when he felt something wet. He looked at his hand to find white paint on his fingers and got a brilliant idea. Tyrone rubbed his hands up and down the fence and slathered his face and body with white paint.

People immediately treated Tyrone better...

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk?

She was given a ticket for littering.

A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the sidewalk pissed?

Because people kept walking all over him.

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from...

I was arrested for blocking a bunch of children on a sidewalk

"You're creating a major disturbance." The police officer says.

To which I responded "no, I'm only creating a minor disturbance."

I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly."

Two guys are walking down the sidewalk, one guy walks into a bar...

The other guy ducks.

Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?"

"I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "O...

A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk

The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

What do you call a sidewalk that swindles you out of your money?

CON-crete

This little old lady is quite the entrepreneur.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that...

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A guy came home from work early and found his girlfriend on the sidewalk with her suitcases.

"I'm leaving you" she said.
"Leaving?? Why??"
"I found out that you're a pedophile."
"Pedophile??" he said. "Isn't that an awfully big word for a twelve year old?"

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "f...

A drunk stumbles out of the bar, sees a nun on the sidewalk and pops her one right in the nose...

while she's on the ground crying, he says,"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

I feel like a crushed Coke can on the sidewalk.

Soda pressed.

Two friends found a dog on the sidewalk...

...they saw a name tag, and it said "Love". Billy and Andrew looked around, but an owner was nowhere to be found, so they decided to keep it.

"Come here, Love," Billy would say, but the dog wouldn't respond at all. Billy decided to give it a new name, and since it didn't follow directions, h...

I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house.

The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.

"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"

A drunk white guy swerves and hits 2 black teens walking down the sidewalk

One went through the windshield, the other was flung 50 yards away.

When the police show up, they charge the first kid with breaking and entering and the other with fleeing the scene of a crime.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are drinking in a bar

at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the tenth floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the wi...

A man is walking on the sidewalk

when he slips on a banana peel. On the way down, he slaps a woman on the ass. She turns around and glares at him. He quickly gets up and says, "Sorry, it was

an assident"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy slams a shot of tequila and jumps out of the windows

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down nex...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question about the city.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops the car inches before it crashes through the front of a store window. Both men sit completely silent until the driver turns and says, “Look man, don’t ever do that to me again. You scared the crap o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drunk Superman

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.

...

Defective Turtle

A little boy walks into a pet store carrying a turtle. He goes up to the guy at the counter and says "Meester... I bought this turtle here yesterday but he's defective". The man looks down at the kid and asks "Defective? What's the matter with him?". The boy responds, "He's got bleesters on he's fee...

A drunkard walking down the street

The poor fellow hits his head on every street light there is to hit on the sidewalk. A policeman doing his beat sees the man hitting another post exceptionally hard and fall to the ground. He walks to the man, helps him to his feet and asks:

- Sir, are you okay? Do you need any assistance?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian, A Greek, and A Jew are Walking Down the Street.

Suddenly, there is a freak accident where a car explodes, killing all three. While standing at the gates of heaven, St. Nick comes out to greet them. They beg him to let them go back down, saying, "We have such long lives ahead of us!"

St. Nick replies, "All right. I will agree to let you go ...

A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

“Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

Your mama is so fat...

When she fell on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frog

There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a whore house and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

Why did the crab cross the road?

Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.

Fifty!

Bob is strolling down the sidewalk along Main Street when he encounters another man, out in the street, jumping up and down on a manhole cover, yelling "Fifty!" with every jump.

Intrigued, Bob approaches the man and asks him, "Good sir, for what good reason are you jumping on this manhole co...

Lamborghini

A blondie was driving down the road with her Lamborghini. She stops at a red light.
A man walking on the sidewalk sees the car.


Man: “Wow.. So beautiful!”

The blonde rolled down her window.

Blonde: “Are you talking about the car or me?”

Man: “I was talking about my...

A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

A Police Officer is patrolling the streets of his town.

Suddenly he sees something weird, a car that is approaching has a dog behind the steering wheel while on the passenger's seat sits a man.

So of course he signals the car to pull out to the sidewalk.

Man in passenger's seat has a window already rolled down so the Police Officer starts t...

Two blondes

Two blonds find a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde looks into it and says: look! There's a picture of a woman.

The second blonde looks at it and says: eww, she's so freaking ugly!

God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a nice little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom”, said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, inde...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl walks into a tattoo parlor and explains that she's always wanted a tattoo of her favorite country music star on the inside of her thigh...

She's really conflicted though, because she can't decide between her two favorites, Conway Twitty or George Jones.

The tattoo artist offers a solution: he would do both Conway Twitty AND George Jones, one on each thigh, for only $200 with a free money-back guarantee...if she doesn't like his...

I saw a man on the street dressed as Henry VIII.

He was sitting on the sidewalk asking people for money.

I thought, that can't be right; beggars can't be Tudors?

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

Two stupid people and the accident

Two people were arrested for running over and killing 12 people late at night.

When they were questioned at the police station about how it happened, they said ,'We were driving home and realised that the brakes on our car weren't working and in front of us there were two options, either run ...

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long] Little Johnny is walking along

The sidewalk, dragging a dead frog behind him. Making his way to a house, he knocks on the door and answering is a lady dressed in a rather sheer robe. She looks down at Johnny and asks, "Aren't you a bit young?" Johnny ignores the question, and simply says, "I got $50. I want your most diseased rid...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

A guy walking into a bar

sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.

“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunks are at a bar having an argument.....

Two drunks are are in a rooftop bar having an argument about politics, sports, trivia and what ever is on tv. When one drunk looks at the other and says " Did you know that the updraft is so strong between these buildings that if you jump off, it will blow you right back to the top?"

"Bulls...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying.

Confused, Peter says, "What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"

The first man says, "I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the co...

3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:

"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and thr...

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

Two Blizzard employees are driving through a city and are trying to get to an event.

They've been driving for what feels like an eternity but can't seem to find where the event is hosted. They see a young teenager walking on the sidewalk and decide to ask for directions.

After pulling to the side and stopping the teen they ask: "Excuse us, do you happen to know where the Bliz...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

Belated halloween joke

One moonless night, a man is walking home from the pub. He's whistling to himself and enjoying the cool night air when he hears a distant thumping behind him. He thinks nothing of it and continues on his way.

Soon, he notices that the thumping noise is getting louder..

"thump.. thump.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

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