What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

So an African migrant is strolling down a sidewalk in Nuremberg.

He comes up to the first man he sees and says "Thank you, for allowing me to come to Germany. Thank you for giving me health care, and a place to live, and food to eat."

The man looks at him and says "I'm not German, I'm Albanian."

The African says "Oh, excuse me" and continues walkin...

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

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A little boy and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they encountered a bow legged man.

The bpy pointed his finger at the bloke and yelled out: "Look, mother, a bow legged man!"


His mother was surprised, took her son's hand; and hurriedly walked home.


Upon arrival, she reprimanded the little boy and told him that he would receive a worse punishment next time we wa...

Why can't you make sidewalks out of mushrooms?

They're too easy to trip on.

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

Beside the sidewalk, someone left a plastic bag with a set of German team uniforms inside. Cannot believe that! Just throw it here??!

It costs 50 cents in supermarket for such a big plastic bag!

There are two potatoes standing on the sidewalk. How do you know which one is the prostitute?

The one with the sticker Idaho.

One day a woman went into labor on the sidewalk

The postman across the road saw the woman collapse and ran over to see what he could do to help. He called the ambulance however they where a considerable distance from the nearest hospital and no doctor would be able to reach them in time so the woman, in visible pain, asked if he had any experienc...

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend--another nerd--rode up on an incredible shiny new bright red bicycle.....

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked,

"WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"


The second nerd replied,

"Well, yesterday I was walking home,

minding my own business

when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

She ...

Have you heard the news about the sidewalks?

It's all over town!

I found a wallet on the sidewalk today. I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but then I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

(Emo Philips)

I just want to give a quick shout-out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Came across a body lying on the sidewalk

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.


The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”


“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.


“S-i-c-k…” the m...

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Two men stand over a disgusting mess in the sidewalk, trying to figure out what it is.

“Nasty,” the first one exclaims. “What do you think it is?”
The second crouches down and peers at the mess. “Looks like dog shit.” He says as he stands up.
The first leans over and squishes a bit of it in his fingers. “Huh, definitely feels like shit.”
The second once again crouches down, t...

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Dreading another day of being teased and bullied at school, Tyrone was trudging along the sidewalk,

dragging his hand along the neighbor's fences when he felt something wet. He looked at his hand to find white paint on his fingers and got a brilliant idea. Tyrone rubbed his hands up and down the fence and slathered his face and body with white paint.

People immediately treated Tyrone better...

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk

3 boys find a 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk and try to decide how to spend it.
The first boy says "we should go buy a comic book". The other 2 decide against it, realizing that once they've read it, they'll have nothing left.
The second boy says "we should go buy candy". The other 2 decide aga...

Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk?

It's all over town.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl with her new bike is standing on the sidewalk.

A policeman comes riding by on a horse. He asks the girl: „Did Santa give you that bike?“

„Yes he did!“, answered the girl.

„I‘m sorry little one, but I‘ll have to give you a fine. Tell Santa that the next bike has to have lights.“, the policeman said.

Then the girl asked the ...

I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk?

She was given a ticket for littering.

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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A man is pulling a line of string along a sidewalk

A woman asks him as he walks near, "Excuse me, why are you pulling that string along?"

The man replies, "Have you ever tried to push a string?"

What's cold, blue and waiting on the sidewalk?

A frostitute.

(It worked better in German :P)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why was the sidewalk pissed?

Because people kept walking all over him.

I was arrested for blocking a bunch of children on a sidewalk

"You're creating a major disturbance." The police officer says.

To which I responded "no, I'm only creating a minor disturbance."

Never realized how much I take sidewalks for granted.

After all, they've been keeping me off the streets for years.

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A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from...

Dont you hate it when a bunch of trashy women walk in a line and block off the sidewalk for everybody else?

I guess thats why they call it a horizontal line.

Two guys are walking down the sidewalk, one guy walks into a bar...

The other guy ducks.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Two guys are walking when they come across a dog on the sidewalk, licking his balls. One guys says, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "You better pet him first to make sure he's friendly."

Today a girl stopped me on the sidewalk and says, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how pretty do you think I am?"

"I'd say you're about the average but I don't want to make this a mean joke."

A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer

He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"

She: "I will do that right away, officer."

The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.

He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"

She: "That was yester...

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A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "O...

What do you call a sidewalk that swindles you out of your money?

CON-crete

A Cop and His Trained Dog Stop me on a Sidewalk

The dog sniffs around me for a bit and barks to the officer.
The officer walks up to me and says, "Where are the drugs? The dog says he could smell them off you."
I reply, "Drugs? What drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

A guy came home from work early and found his girlfriend on the sidewalk with her suitcases.

"I'm leaving you" she said.
"Leaving?? Why??"
"I found out that you're a pedophile."
"Pedophile??" he said. "Isn't that an awfully big word for a twelve year old?"

"Ahmed, you're parking too far away from the sidewalk."

"Who cares, its gonna explode anyways."

A man is walking on a sidewalk past...

An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "f...

A drunk stumbles out of the bar, sees a nun on the sidewalk and pops her one right in the nose...

while she's on the ground crying, he says,"Not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

I feel like a crushed Coke can on the sidewalk.

Soda pressed.

Two friends found a dog on the sidewalk...

...they saw a name tag, and it said "Love". Billy and Andrew looked around, but an owner was nowhere to be found, so they decided to keep it.

"Come here, Love," Billy would say, but the dog wouldn't respond at all. Billy decided to give it a new name, and since it didn't follow directions, h...

A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house.

The owner had left a note. "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.

"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Drunken Fools

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State
Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last
week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds
around the building are so intense tha...

A drunk white guy swerves and hits 2 black teens walking down the sidewalk

One went through the windshield, the other was flung 50 yards away.

When the police show up, they charge the first kid with breaking and entering and the other with fleeing the scene of a crime.

God and Tom Brady

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a nice little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom”, said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special, inde...

Why did the crab cross the road?

Actually, it never did. It used the sidewalk.

A blonde is sitting in the middle of a field in a rowboat...

Another blonde walks up on the sidewalk and says:

"You give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim I'd come over there and kick your ass!"

A Police Officer is patrolling the streets of his town.

Suddenly he sees something weird, a car that is approaching has a dog behind the steering wheel while on the passenger's seat sits a man.

So of course he signals the car to pull out to the sidewalk.

Man in passenger's seat has a window already rolled down so the Police Officer starts t...

Two blondes

Two blonds find a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde looks into it and says: look! There's a picture of a woman.

The second blonde looks at it and says: eww, she's so freaking ugly!

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A girl walks into a tattoo parlor and explains that she's always wanted a tattoo of her favorite country music star on the inside of her thigh...

She's really conflicted though, because she can't decide between her two favorites, Conway Twitty or George Jones.

The tattoo artist offers a solution: he would do both Conway Twitty AND George Jones, one on each thigh, for only $200 with a free money-back guarantee...if she doesn't like his...

Two stupid people and the accident

Two people were arrested for running over and killing 12 people late at night.

When they were questioned at the police station about how it happened, they said ,'We were driving home and realised that the brakes on our car weren't working and in front of us there were two options, either run ...

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

The Ice Cream Truck

On a hot sunny day, the ice cream truck was driving slowly until the driver saw a woman chasing frantically down the sidewalk, screaming "Hey, Wait!"

He stops, parks and opens the window, with a smile.

"What'll it be lady?"

She tries to catch her breath, but she manages to tell ...

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery

One Sunday ,in the pulpit, he said

"If I hear one more person confess to adultery I'll quit."

However since everyone liked they came with a code word so that he didnt know. So Someone who had committed adultery would say they had fallen.

This satisfy the old priest until he die...

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Two Friends were out drinking in a bar for their weekly drinking session.

Their names are Brad and Josh. They have been drinking at the same bar on the same day of the week every single week for 4 years now and the bartenders usually just close the bar and leave the doors unlocked for them to leave when they want to.

Brad lives in a bungalow just across the street ...

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A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

A joke from my childhood

Three vampires entered a "special" club. The first vampire is wealthy. The second is middle class, while the third is poor.

The first vampire said to the waiter, "I would like the freshest human blood you have."

The second one said, "A cup of animal blood for me, please."

The th...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

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Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying.

Confused, Peter says, "What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"

The first man says, "I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the co...

There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

3 men were standing at the Pearly gates when St. Peter asked them what happened...

The 1st man says:

"I walked into my apartment and found my wife naked with her clothes all over the floor along with another man's clothes. Enraged, I ran around the apartment trying to look for him but I couldn't find any trace of him. In my anger, I was able to lift our refrigerator and thr...

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

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Two drunks are at a bar having an argument.....

Two drunks are are in a rooftop bar having an argument about politics, sports, trivia and what ever is on tv. When one drunk looks at the other and says " Did you know that the updraft is so strong between these buildings that if you jump off, it will blow you right back to the top?"

"Bulls...

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Vodoo Dick

A woman complains to her friend that she hasn't been laid in years and she feels so lonely. Her friend suggests that she visit the Haitian store and she will get help. The woman is curious so she goes to the store and bashfully explains her situation to the store owner. He pulls out a wooden phallus...

A guy walking into a bar

sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.

“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the ...

Two Blizzard employees are driving through a city and are trying to get to an event.

They've been driving for what feels like an eternity but can't seem to find where the event is hosted. They see a young teenager walking on the sidewalk and decide to ask for directions.

After pulling to the side and stopping the teen they ask: "Excuse us, do you happen to know where the Bliz...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

A policeman is walking an illegal prostitute back to his police car...

On the way there, the policeman bumps into his captain. The captain asks: "what's going on here then?" The policeman replies: "I found an illegal prostitute on the sidewalk sir" The captain says: "I can see that, but why the hell are you the one in the handcuffs?!"

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I wa...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them...

Belated halloween joke

One moonless night, a man is walking home from the pub. He's whistling to himself and enjoying the cool night air when he hears a distant thumping behind him. He thinks nothing of it and continues on his way.

Soon, he notices that the thumping noise is getting louder..

"thump.. thump.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] [Long] Little Johnny is walking along

The sidewalk, dragging a dead frog behind him. Making his way to a house, he knocks on the door and answering is a lady dressed in a rather sheer robe. She looks down at Johnny and asks, "Aren't you a bit young?" Johnny ignores the question, and simply says, "I got $50. I want your most diseased rid...

Fork please?

A homeless man walks into an expensive restaurant during their busy lunch hour. The manager spots him and asks him to leave.

"But please sir, may I just have a fork?" said the bum.

Figuring that the cost of a fork was worth avoiding a scene, he hands the man a fork and the man return...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

A man walks into a bar with a dog

He sets the dog on the bar and the bartender says "hey buddy you can't have that in here." The man explains to him that it's okay because the dog can talk and is well behaved. The bartender(thinking the man is insane) offers a bet, $100 if his dog can talk.

The man accepts the bet and turns t...

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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

Jimmy has a go-cart

Father Martin was walking down the sidewalk one morning and saw little Jimmy approaching on his go cart. As he rolled closer, one of the wheels popped off and the cart came to a screeching halt.
"God damn!" hollered Jimmy.
Father Martin ran over and knelt beside the cart. "Jimmy, Jimmy....

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Getting $25 for free (hint: use a duck)

Once, my father gave me a dollar and told me to use it wisely. So I went outside and walked down the street, wondering what I should use it for. Before long, I came across a man on the sidewalk who was carrying a beautiful duck. I asked him if he'd give me the duck for the dollar I had, and he did. ...

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

They sit at the counter, and the guy calls the bartender over.

"I'll bet you a beer that my dog can talk."

"Sure bud, whatever you say."

The guy turns to his dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?"

"RUFF!" Barks the dog.

The bartender chuckles a bit, "Okay, that's pr...

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Not mine but made me lol.

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down nex...

How do crabs get around on land?

They use the sidewalk.

Being seduced by the younger sister

So apparently this guy was engaged to a beautiful woman. He got along well with her family but he could not deny that her younger sister was drop-dead gorgeous and he felt a strong attraction to her. A week before the wedding, he gets a mysterious phone call from the sister asking him to come over...

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Parrot Joke

A lady walking to work evryday passes by a pet shop. Out on the sidewalk sits a parrot on his perch. As she passes the parrot goes "HEY LADY." she looks at him and says "yes" the parrot replies "You're fucking ugly." The lady gets her panties in a knot and walks off in a huff.

The next da...

So there’s a man who drives a truck...

He is a pretty normal guy, except that he absolutely hates lawyers. Every time he is driving and sees a lawyer either in a parking lot or on a sidewalk, he swerves to try and hit him.

One day the man is driving along and sees a priest on the side of the road looking for a ride. The man pulls...

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates....

.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will
depend on your answer."

The first guy ...

Would you like a free coupon?

A man is selling lemonade from a sidewalk stand. A boy rides by on his skateboard.

"WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE COUPON?!" the man shouts at the boy. The boy is so startled that he falls backwards off his skateboard.

The boy wasn't wearing a helmet and cracks his head open on the sidewalk. Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender asks why he looks so glum. "I've been searching everywhere for the legendary tower of knowledge, but it doesnt seem to exist." "Legendary tower of knowledge huh", asks the bartender, "I've never heard of anything like that, what it supposed to be?" "Well, it's supposed to be like a bib...

A Woman Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor...

...and says to the artist, "I'd like a tattoo of Johnny Cash on the inside of my left thigh, and a tattoo of Hank Williams on the inside of my right thigh."


She sits in the chair and the artist goes to work. When he's finished, he shows her the results with a mirror, but the woman is u...

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Probably the grossest joke I've ever heard.

late one evening a guy is closing up the restaurant he works at. He's sweeping floors and wiping tables, when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door and standing there is the filthiest bum he's ever seen. The bum says, "say fella, could you give me a fork?" Well the guy figures, what the hel...