Motorway Jokes - 45 Hilarious Motorway Jokes

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”

The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

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A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.

The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near...

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The M4 motorway walks into a bar...

The M4 motorway walks into a bar.

"Oi, barman, I'm the M4 motorway. 500,000 cars drive over me every day, I'm hard as nails. Get me a drink" he orders.

The barman, rather surprised that a talking motorway has walked into his bar, pours him a whisky and he sits down at the table.
<...

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Motorway Sex

This couple where told off for fucking on the motorway
They where doing 69 in a 50 zone

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

A man is driving on the motorway

His wife calls him and says, “babe, be careful out there, radio just said that there’s a rogue car driving the wrong way on the M12!”

The man shouts over the phone, “Can’t hear you babe! Everyone’s driving the wrong way!”

A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed in the motorway

Queues on both sides.

A man was driving along the motorway

When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".

There are 2 nuns in a car on the motorway

The driver takes a sharp left
“I haven’t come this way before” says the passenger
“That’ll be the cobblestones”

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturns on the motorway...

Police confirms there will be no congestion for eight hours.

An electron is breaking the speed limit going along a motorway...

...When he is pulled over by a Proton. Proton: do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: yes, but now I have no clue as to where I am.

A businessman is hurrying home on the motorway after a hard days work...

when he is stopped by a policeman.
"Do you know you were driving 30 mph over the limit?" asks the policeman.
"Eh, actually no, officer, it's a big car and it just sort of coasts along... you know."
"And what were you planning on doing if you met Mr Fog?" demands the policeman.
"Well," sa...

I just saw a BMW driver using his indicators correctly on the motorway. Twice.

Should I report the vehicle as stolen?

Paddy was speeding down the motorway

When the blue lights of the police appeared in his rear view mirror.

Pulling him over, the police man said "I've been waiting for you all day!"

Paddy replies "well, I got here as fast as I could!"

A report came on the news that a maniac was driving the wrong way down the motorway.

I thought I had better give my grandad, who was visiting me, a call and warn him.
He said, "There's not just one, there's hundreds of them."

A coach full of musicians has broken down on the motorway

Police have said to expect some lengthy jams

Were you born on a motorway?

cause that's where accidents happen.

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."

"Genoa?"

"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

The police pulled up beside me and my Yamaha on the hard shoulder of the Motorway today.

Apparently it’s not the place to play a keyboard.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive...

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90...

A blonde lady drives a Ferrari on the motorway with 19 km/h

She’s pulled over and the police officer asks why she’s driving so slowly.

She says because A19 is displayed everywhere. To which the cop remarks that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.

Then he asks why the passenger looks so pale and unwell.

She responds: I have n...

Anyone see the news? There's a massive hole on the motorway!

Police are looking into it.

An old lady is driving on the motorway...

when a cop drives by and sees that she is knitting whilst driving. So the cop trying to stop this madness realizes he needs to do something. So he shouts over to the lady "Pullover!"

The old woman replies "No, its a cardigan!"

A truck full of wigs tipped over on a motorway today.

The cause is unclear but the police are still combing the area..

What did the Guatemalan man do when he saw a deer run across his car’s path on the motorway?

He accidentally ran over it in His panic.

bah dum tss

A lady saw a man on the news driving the wrong way down the motorway...

A lady saw a man on the news driving the wrong way down the motorway. She phoned her husband, who also drove that route home, to warn him.

Lady: Be careful on your way back, there's a man driving the wrong way down the motorway.

Husband: Just one?! There's bloody hundreds of them!

Two elderly couples share a car

They're driving on the German motorway. Their speed is exactly 81 km/h. A police officer stops them. One of the elderly chaps asks:

'Good day officer, were we speeding?'

'No, not at all. But why are you going so slowly?'

'Why, can we drive faster?'

'Of course, 130km/h eas...

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day and she said,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"
"why is that?" I said
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

A B-road walks into a Bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

5 minutes later an A road walks into a bar, he orders a pint, sits down, and starts reading the newspaper.

The B-road moves to the opposite side of the bar, peeking frightfully over the top of his newspaper at the larger, higher maintenance A-road.

Later, a motorway walks into a bar, h...

First day driving on your own

It's a joung guy's first ever drive on his own after getting his licence.
He is driving on the motorway when his Mum calls him and say:"honey be careful, I heard on the radio that an idiot is driving on the wrong side of the road!", and he replies:" are you sure it's just one idiot, becose it loo...

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Here's a joke from Bulgaria, translated for your convenience.

One a motorway near the coast in Varna a musclebound mafioso (refered to as mutra in Bulgaria) is driving with his subordinates in his brand new Mercedes S63 AMG. When he nears a traffic signal, he gets rear ended. Pissed off, he gets out to have a look. Turns out that an elderly gentleman in a rust...

Crows

One day, about a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles, and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types...

One wish

Paul is walking on the beach when he founds a metal lamp, he starts to clean it and a Genie appears
- Finally, - says the Genie - 300 years waiting!, Ok human, I can grant you one wish, ask whatever you want, but be aware that my power is limited.
- Ok, let me think for a moment and... Hey! Wh...

The Smoking Motorbike Rider

I was driving on the motorway one day when a man on a motorcycle drew up alongside me. He gestured for me to wind my window down.

I looked at the speedometer and I was doing 100mph!

I wound the window down and the rider held out a cigarette saying "Can you give me a light?"

Amaz...

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot....

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
Th...

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An eskimo visits Wales...

An eskimo visits Wales, and as he's driving along the motorway, his car breaks down.

The mechanic turns up and looks under the bonnet.

"You've blown a seal." He says.

The eskimo replies "So what? You bugger sheep."

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo

when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the pen...

Problem at the airport

Mr and Mrs Smith were going on holiday to Spain. As usual there was lots of traffic on the motorway, and they only just got to the airport on time. They parked the car, got out their suitcases, and took the bus to the terminal. At last they reached the check-in desk.

As they got there, Mr...

A man is driving down the motor way in the fast lane with a trailer full of monkeys

he notices his friends jeep in the adjacent lane. He slows down and ushers his friend to pull down the window.

"John I'm in a massive rush, if I give you $50 could you bring these monkeys to the zoo?"

"No problem" replies John

About 4 hours later, the man drives the o...

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Always drive in reverse when you're drunk (True story)?

This is a true story. Many many years ago, before drink driving laws were as strong as they are today, a friend of my Dads, lets call him Dave, was leaving the pub, keys in hand and a hefty number of pints on board.

"Jesus, am I all right to drive" he wonders as he misses the ignition with th...

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My collection of elephant jokes

**Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?**

A: Because they're *really* good at it

**Q: Why should you never walk in the jungle between five and six?**

A: Because that's when the elephants get out of the trees.

**Q: Why are there pygmies in the jungle?**
...

Pull over

An old woman was driving and knitting on the motorway. She was serving across the lanes when a police car overtook her flashing all the lights.

As it drew level a policeman wound down his window and shouted to her "Pull over!".
"No" she shouted back. "Pair of socks!"

Couple police jokes

1) A hole has opened up on the motorway, the police are looking into it.

2) Someone has stolen the toilets at the police station, the police have nothing to go on.

3) A lorry carrying hair gel has tipped under suspicious cirumstances, over scattering it's content all over the road. The...

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A man and his wife have been recently wed, however the man's work calls for him to leave the country for six months.

Now, before this point, him and his wife have been having a pretty *intimate* relationship, as it were, and the wife wasn't too pleased about not seeing her husband for six months - mainly because she'd have nothing to satisfy herself with. She expressed her feelings to her husband and on the day be...

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Odd Signs From England

Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STE...

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