A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today

Police are combing the area

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What did the man who had sex with an instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

An old man is driving on the Freeway, when his wife calls him

"Honey, be careful, there is a madman driving on the wrong side of the freeway. I just heard this on the radio".

*"Not just one honey, I see hundreds of them, they are all driving on the wrong side"*

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I broke down on the freeway and roadside rescue came and helped me out.. "What's wrong with it? i asked" "Shit in the gas tank" he said..

"How often do i have to do that?" i said..

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway, when his phone rang

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

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Why did the raccoon cross the freeway?

To visit his flatmate.

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

How do you get a turtle across the freeway

Two friends were talking and one asks the other, “how do you get a turtle across a freeway?”

The friend looked confused and asked how

The other one says, “here’s a hint, take the f out of free and f out of way.”

Once again confused the friend says, “there’s no f in way.”

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway... Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting...

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn,and yelled,"PULL OVER"
"No!"the blond yelled back," its
a scarf.

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

A man is going 100 mph in his new car on the freeway

And a cop car starts to chase him with the sirens on
So the the man starts to go even faster until he realizes he should just stop.

When the cop comes up to his window he asks”Listen man it’s been a long day if you can give me a good excuse I’ll let you go”

So the man responds wit...

A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, “ Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn’t speeding but she was going a lot slower ...

Did you see that guy on the freeway cutting off everyone but big rigs?

He was semi courteous.

A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

A guy is driving home from work on the freeway

On his way home he gets a call from his wife

"I'm watching the news right now and a man is driving the wrong way on freeway. I just want you to be safe." Says the wife

"Honey you won't believe it, but there are hundreds of people driving the wrong way." Says the husband

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

Yo momma so fat...

she don’t work the street corner, she work the freeway!

Two Cheese Trucks collide on the freeway

De-brie flew everywhere

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and say...

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets ...

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Lorena Bobbitt got in a bad car accident on the freeway today

some dick cut her off

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway

maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look"...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

A man is driving down the freeway when the traffic comes to a standstill...

He looks ahead to see what the problem is and notices an overturned truck. When he gets a better look, he notices that it's a truck that was filled with penguins who are now all waddling around the freeway.

He sees two police officers frantically trying to shepherd the penguins to safety and...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road...

A police officer was driving through an empty freeway in the woods one day, when he stumbled upon the corpse of a large animal laying on the side of a road, with a pickup truck parked nearby.

He parked his car, opened the door, and looked at the animal, a grizzly bear, with some of its limbs ...

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So I was driving on the freeway..

So I was driving on the freeway and as I drive over this bridge, I am pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the window and after asking for my license and registration he asks me, “So, you were going pretty fast back there, mind telling me why you’re in such a rush?” I tell the cop, “Sorry offic...

This musician kept gradually slowing down in front of me on the freeway

What a ritard.

A guy goes speeding down the freeway at 2am on a Sunday morning, when he gets stopped by a cop.

Officer: Son, i've been waiting for you all day.

Driver: Sorry officer, i got here as fast as i could.

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A woman is listening to the radio hears a news report. A man is driving down the freeway the wrong way...

...causing chaos for drivers. She anxiously rings her husband. "Honey are you on the freeway??" He replies angrily "yes!!! Why??!!"
"Be careful," she says "there's some moron driving the wrong way down the freeway!!".
Her husband replies angrily, "one moron??!! There's fucking hundreds of them...

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What do you call a dog with no back leges and two steel balls running down a freeway?

Sparky.

Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror..

I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

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A woman pulls over a man on the freeway

She finds that he was drunk driving and had weed in his car. She goes to arrest him and says this:

"Anything you say can and will be held against you"

The man then exclaims "BOOBS"

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A man drives in a car on the freeway and gets stopped by the police.

They ask him "we are looking for a rapist!". the man replies: "im sorry, but i can't help you."
the man sits in the car and watches the policeman go back the their vehicle. then he thinks - fuck it. he goes to the police car and knocks on the window. the police opens and the man says: "ok, i'll d...

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(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

A CHP officer noticed a car going extremely slowly down a freeway…

It was going a little over 10 mph according to his radar gun, and as it was completely screwing up the rest of traffic, he decided to pull it over.

He notices that the driver is a blonde woman, and proceeds to go through the typical routine.

"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?" h...

[Warning: Nerdy] Two self driving cars lost control on the freeway and crashed, killing 4.

Experts say it was caused by a race condition.

Two old women were driving down the freeway...

at 10 miles per hour, eventually the police came and pulled them over. Once the officer got up to their window he asked "Miss are you aware that you are traveling at 10 mph on the freeway?"

"Why yes officer that is the speed limit after all."

The officer was taken back from her statem...

A cop pulled me over on the freeway.

He said "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

I said "No sir."

He told me "I clocked you in at 80 mph in a 65."

I tried to reason with him, saying "well officer, you see, I was just trying to keep up with traffic."

He looked at me puzzled and retorted "there's n...

My wife opened my car door for me today.

It would have been a nice gesture if we weren't going down the freeway at 70mph.

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My favorite joke I'm sure you've heard it before.

So Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car driving down the freeway when a cop pulls them over. The cop comes to the window and asks,

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No but I know exactly where I am."

"You were doing 120mph in a 60mph zone!" Say...

Followed by the cops

So I was driving on the freeway and I noticed this cop following me. I sped up to 50 mph, and he followed, then to 60 mph, and still he followed, then I sped up to 90mph and he still followed me with blue lights flashing.

So I was like "oh no", and pulled over.

The cop walked up to my ...

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

An old man...

Was going down to an old 'Vette dealership. His whole life he had wanted an old Corvette Convertible and he has just enough money afterwards for a full tank of gas. So he starts driving and hes going the speed limit.

"Man this feels great!" So he give it a little more.

"This is amazing...

A man walks up to the pearly white gates of heaven

God looks down on him and speaks.

“We don’t know of anything particularily good or bad you have done in your lifetime, so it is up to you to tell us a story that will persuade us in a certain direction whether it be heaven or hell.”

The man looks up shakingly and responds with a story...

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first...

One day a snail goes to the dealership

The dealer is longwindedly going on about all his options and the snail says he doesn’t care what car it is, he just wants the fastest one on the lot.
The dealer takes him to the fastest car they have and the snail only has one question, “Would it be possible to get the letter ‘S’ painted onto a...

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Little Tommy is sitting in class whilst the teacher is going over vocabulary words....

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious."

Now Tommy, an Aussie, is waving his arm up and down, and no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Little Tommy can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his...

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

A man buys a new Mercedes

A man in his mid-forties bought a new Mercedes and was out on the freeway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 130kph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue li...

A woman found herself in a traffic jam...

on the freeway in Washington DC. Traffic was locked up for over an hour when she saw some men walking towards her car carrying buckets. She leaned out of her window and asked them what was going on up ahead. The men explained that terrorists had taken over the capitol and they were holding Congress...

So There's This German Driving Game...

...with all these servers for multiplayer. One server has this automatic cheat-detection system that bans players if it thinks they're hacking at all.

Well unfortunately, there's this one stretch of one particular freeway where the road is so bad it blasts drivers off into the sky. The cheat ...

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Fred

A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.

He asked the biker, "What's your name?"

The biker replies, "Fred."

The cop asks again, No, what's your full name?"

The biker again says, "Fred."<...

A warning to be careful about drunk driving..

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.

On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint ...

[long] A snail in a fast car

By some quirk of fortune a snail gained sentience and ended up winning the lottery. With his new found wealth he was pondering what to do so he hatched a plan. He headed off down to his nearest Porsche dealership and when he arrived 2 weeks later he crawled up to the salesman.

"excuse me" the...

I don't know why people complain about using your phone whilst driving.

I can drive on the freeway and post this comment at the sa

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man ...

Once upon a time there was an incredible Gardener.

So the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like he gets it right, every time. He’s the best. So one day, he looks at a yard he’s working on and he’s like… 18 bags. So he goes to the store, buys 18 bags of mulch...

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Israeli Hell

A person dies and is judged for his sins.

“Well,” says the angel, “Sorry, dude, but you are going to hell. But as a bonus for not being a complete putz, you are granted the choice to which hell to go. Your options are: the Soviet hell, the Nazi hell or the Israeli hell.”

The sinner thi...

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Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks hi...

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside.

*poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?”

“I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a ...

So the Pope arrives at the airport...

And a driver picks him up.

At one point the Pope turns to the driver and says:
\-Can you hurry up please, I have to get to this really important meeting.
To which the driver respondes:
\-Yes, but only a little bit your holyness, I can't break the speed limit.


Five...

A Chinese and a Nigerian official meet each other at a meeting.

They soon became good friends and exchanged their business cards.


"If you ever come to China, call me and we can hang out!" says the Chinese official.


"Really? Cool! Same to you. If you ever come to Nigeria, call me and we can hang out!" says the Nigerian official.

6 mon...

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A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her with another woman.

In a fit of rage, she runs to kitchen, grabs a steak knife, and cuts off her husband's member.



Still in a fury, she grabs her husband's cock and the keys to his Ferrari and begins zooming down the freeway at top speed. To make sure there's no chance her husband will ever have it rea...

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill...

...with a touch of laryngitis - but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn't want him to do any physical labor - as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through t...

I don't get no respect.

Last week my car broke down on the freeway. I asked a guy for a tow. He gave me a finger.

Idiots

A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the...

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GM and Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we w...

The Pope is giving a speech at Yankee Stadium...

He gets off his plane and hops immediately into the car with his driver in the front. The Pope looks at his watch and realizes how late he is.
"Hey, Mr. Driver, can you go a little faster, please?"
"I'm sorry your Holiness, I've been told to drive the limit for your safety."
"Oh for the lov...

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[Long] One of my favorite jokes from BoJack Horseman

Okay so there's this gardener right?
So the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like he gets it right, every time. He's the best.
So one day, he looks at a yard he's working on and he's like... 18 bags. S...

22 Miles Per Hour

A cop is driving down a freeway and he suddenly sees a car going slow, like incredibly slow. He thinks "people who drive at super slow speeds are just as bad as driving super fast on a freeway." He takes out his radar gun, and takes the speed of the car. It reads 22 miles per hour. The cop decides t...

I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride.

We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, "Daddy! We're so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants."

Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, "Those are ants my dear, we hav...

A man is on his way home from work...

He gets stuck in traffic. So he calls his wife and says "Honey, im stuck in traffic right now, and it doesn't look like it wil be clearing up anytime soon. Im probably gonna be late." So the wife says, "Ok, baby, but be careful. I heard on the news that there is a crazy driver driving on the wrong s...

Bill Gates in a car

A software engineer, a hardware designer and Bill Gates are driving in car on the freeway. Suddenly the car breaks down, the engines stops.
The software engineer says: “I think that car ran out if gas. Let’s walk to the nearest gas station and get some gas, put it in the car and then it will st...

This cop spots this blond driving

This cop spots this blond driving on the freeway knitting!

Pull Over! he yells.

No! She yells back, Cardigan!

The Pope is finishing a trip to USA in LA

As he finishes his last speaking engagement he is picked up by a limo, and climbs into the backseat ready for the journey to the airport.
While sitting in the back of the limo he starts thinking this is a pretty beautiful car, and it's been a long time since I have driven, so he winds down the p...

First joke I ever learned

An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.

"Thank goodness you're home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!"

He responds, "*A* Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!"

I always go the extra mile...

because I always miss the exit on the freeway.

Another penguin joke

This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here.

A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car.

...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a pay...

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A trucker walks into a diner and orders a sandwich.

After a few minutes he gets his order and starts eating quietly, bothering nobody.

Three bikers enter the diner and the smallest one walks over to the trucker's table and picks up his sandwich and takes a big, drooling bite. The whole time he chews he just stares down, mean and ugly, at the t...

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The Unknown Celebrity

The Pope travels to America. Upon arriving in America, a limo comes to pick him up. The Pope, having a simple background, had never driven a limo before. So he excitedly asks the driver if he can drive the limo to the hotel. The driver, flabbergasted, had never heard such a request before and decide...

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Bowels no move

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about ...

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It's a Miracle, I tell yeah!

A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest.

"Anything to drink today, father?", the officer asks.

"No, just water", replies the priest.

"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebu...

3 old lady's

3 old lady's are driving in the car. Two in the back and one driving. The lady driving notices that there is a cop with sirens on trying to pull them over. So they pull to the side of the road. As the officer approaches them he doesn't look surprised. The officer says to the women driving. Mam do yo...

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