Wall Street Jokes - 34 Hilarious Wall Street Jokes

The Wolf of Wall Street

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by me in 2010, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

Wall Street execs to redditors:

"This isn't a game. Stop!"

What's the difference between Titanic and The Wolf Of Wall Street?

Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend was potty trained when The Wolf Of Wall Street came out.

The funny thing about Wall Street is that it is the dealer and not the customer who is called broker.

Src: Dallas News , ca. 1929

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

What do you call weight lifting on Wall Street?

Capital gains

What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street?

A large fortune

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What did wanker do on wall street?

jack off all trades

What do Wall Street and King Midas have in common?

Goldman Sachs

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

Now that New York's in lock down, what will the Wall Street traders be doing?

Insider trading.

A Rich Wall Street trader visits a village

During his stay, he sees a young man sleeping everyday and doing nothing outside his house. So he decides to persuade him to change his life and goes on to talk to him.

Trader: Hello young man, looks like you have nothing to do. I suggest you come with me to New York.

Man: What happ...

What did the wall street investor call the hooker?

A pump and dump.

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

So the “Wolf of Wall Street” has the f word used 569 times making almost 3 times a minute

That record was broken by my dad this afternoon while trying to assemble an ikea tv stand

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane that was halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on their way to America. Suddenly, the plane began to start shaking violently.

A voice on the intercom said, "We lost an engine! Going Down! Passengers take a pa...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

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Wall Street stockbroker loses millions in one day....

So he decides to go to the bar after work to drown his sorrows. He ends up getting really drunk and pukes all over his suit. He's worried his wife will be pissed when she wakes up the next morning and finds his smelly, vomit soaked clothes. His friend at the bar explains, "Dude, don't worry that ...

New CEO, 3 envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new ...

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

Crooked street in SF is the second most crooked street in the USA...

Wall street being the first...

Why girls are evil

Girls cost time and money: time\*money

Wall Street says time is money: money\^{2}

So girls are money squared

The bible says money is the root of all evil: sqrt.money

Evil is the square root of money

money\^{2} = sqrt. money

take the square root of money\^{2}...

How was your job interview yesterday?

Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting foron the table....

He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop...

He thought himself as actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "Th...

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A young cowboy goes off to college.

Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

“Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story!

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

Once upon a time, a man appear...

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers...

Young Chuck

One fine old day, Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money ...

What paper do you read?

The Wall Street Journal - Read by people who run the country.
The Washington Post - Read by people who THINK they run the country.
The New York Times - Read by people who think they SHOULD be running the country.
The Boston Globe - Read by people whose parents used to run the country, and ...

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A Stockbroker moves to Scotland

A Wall Street Stockbroker decided one day he’d had enough of stress and moved to rural Scotland. His cottage was miles away from the next one and he found the tranquility relaxing.

After a few days he answered a knock at the door, before him stood a Scotsman in a kilt; 6’9 tall, ginger hair ...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

College money...

There was a kid that went to college, and his Dad sent him enough money for the whole year, well the kid blew through that in the first half of the first semester.

He didn't want to just ask his Dad for more money because he knew he probably wouldn't give it to him.

So he calls his...

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