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Spent Jokes

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

A Senator spent all night with a hooker.

As he was leaving, the Senator put $2000 on her bedside table.

She said, “Thanks, but I only charge $200.”

“$200 for the whole night? How can you make a living on that?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” she purred. “I do a little blackmail, too.”

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

I just spent 25 cents on a wig

It was a small price toupee

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More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research!

More money is spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research! By 2040 the elderly will have perky tits, stiff cocks and no fucking idea why!

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

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My wife left me because I spent our entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She could not take it any longer.

I spent 30 minutes trying to take off my wife's bra today.

I should never have put in on in the first place.

Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

I spent an hour looking for that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots.

Then I realised she's at work.

Einstein spent 10 years studying gravity.

It must have weighed heavily on him.

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

My dad spent all day putting a clock on his belt

It was a waist of time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

If you've spent ages figuring out how to hang herbs and spices off your belt...

You've probably waisted thyme.

What do you call an orange that spent too much time in the sun?

A tangerine

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.

I spent a lot of money on women and cars and whiskey…

The rest I wasted.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.





\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I had never tried it on in the first place.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

Before moving to England I spent some time in Poland...

It definitely helped me polish my English.

I spent the afternoon walking around with my fly wide open

I finally realised it after I caught a girl dressing me with her eyes

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

I spent months inventing a wingless plane

sadly the idea never took off.

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

I spent the whole morning building a time machine

That’s 3 hours of my life I’m never going to get back

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I just spent $50 on Ebay for a penis enlarger

Those bastards sent me a magnifying glass

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

An ex stonemason spent his days pining for his old life.

He took it for granite.

I’ve spent my whole life searching for an invisible dolphin.

But now I don’t see the porpoise.

A man was always travelling by plane everywhere. Because of that, he spent so much time on airports he developed an illness.

It was terminal.

I spent most of the night laying in bed wrestling with my blankets...

But I think I won, cause my blankets are still laying there and I am not.

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After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

My friend spent Valentine's Day with her bird.

I said if she likes it then she shoulda put a wing on it.

That's why she prefers the bird.

\[This is all true.\]

“I’ve spent so long trying to think of a synonym for ‘ambitious’ that I’ve given myself a headache.”

“Aspiring?”

“No thanks, I’ll just get some fresh air, that’ll clear it up.”

I spent hours looking up at the stars, wondering if the universe was infinite

Fine night

This time of year reminds me of that time I spent Christmas on the road ...

I stopped into a little diner for breakfast, and ordered the Christmas Eggs Benedict. The waitress came and delivered it on a shiny metal plate. I said, "This is fancy." She replied, "Well hon', you know there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...

It was a complete waist of time.

I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night.

But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.

Just spent £100 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

Huge Waist.

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I spent the past four years in Yale.

Now I can’t even get a yob as a yanitor. Fucking yudicial system.

I spent years looking for my mother-in-laws killer

They were all asking for more money than I could afford.

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I spent my adolescence watching porn on dial up.

Now I have a fetish for buffering.

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

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A man has spent well over an hour at the sex shop comparing...

the various butt plugs for sale. Each one he would pick, look at with a discerning eye, and weigh it with his hands before moving on to the next one.

"Ah, he's shopping for someone special," the salesperson thought. "Probably an anniversary gift for his lover."

Finally, the man makes h...

To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.

But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.

I spent the whole day shopping for shrubs

Boy, am I bushed!

Did you hear about the guy who spent six months making a belt out of watches?

He said it was a waist of time.

(as told to me last night by my 10 year old).

Little Jimmy has spent the last few days eating over his friends house...

The first night, he ate dinner over the McNally's house. The table was set and before everyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the second night, he ate dinner at the Goldman's house. The table was set and before anyone ate, they all said a prayer.

On the third night, little Little Jimm...

A homeless man was asking me for the £20 note in my pocket, I thought to myself, do I really want this money to be spent on drugs?

The answer was no so I gave him the twenty

A doctor is checking on his patient after she’s spent the night in the hospital and asks how her breakfast was.

“Well, doctor,” the old woman says, “the eggs were fine. The toast was fine. But the nurse left a tube of that Kentucky Jelly in here and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

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I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.

I tapped that ass all night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend...

...and the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

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A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute

The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activi...

I've just spent the last 20 minutes talking to someone about size 15 Chuck Taylor shoes.

It was a lengthy Converse-ation

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

I spent years searching for the perfect mustache

It was right under my nose the whole time.

I Spent All Week Trying to Come Up With a Joke About The French Army...

...but I decided to just give up.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

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I spent all day searching for an anti-diarrheal

I'm just trying to keep my shit together

My husband's spent the past decade training to get into the Olympics, and after much blood, sweat, and tears, they've finally accepted him!

He starts cleaning the toilets tomorrow.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today. Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.

Myneckisaur.

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

I spent my children's college fund on a boat...

I'm going to call it the scholarship.

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

I've spent my isolation reading the thesaurus.

Because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking!

Thinking the accusation was ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

She said: Your meat.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort! child proofing my house.

but the kids still get in!

I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.

At least I think it was 43 minutes.

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.

The estate agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

An old man on his deathbed spent his entire life clinging to his money

Joke: An old man on his death bed has spent his entire life pinching pennies and clinging to all of his money. Friendless, he is surrounded by his priest, doctor, and lawyer. Just before he dies he tells them, "I know most people say that you can't bring money with you after you die, but I want you ...

You're probably wondering why I spent 9000 hours browsing wikipedia

I swear, I can explain everything.

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

I have spent every single minute of this day on reddit

It’s 12:10 am

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I’ve spent the last month working on a super detailed drawing of Oedipus.

It’s really been a motherfucker.

I spent a week straight in prison.

The sentence lasted for a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had spent all day drinking in a bar

By 10 at night he was incredibly drunk but still wanted more. However, he had run out of money.

"I've got to have another drink," he told the bartender. "Can't you give me one on credit?"

"You know the rules," replied the bartender. "No credit. But I'll tell you what I'll do. It's a ...

The first humans spent many hours seeing what the sun did in the sky

Then they decided to call it a day.

I just spent a ton of money on a new gaming rig

It set me back about £2,000

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent all day calling my mates to tell them about the 3 way I had last night with twins

One guy asked if I could tell them apart.

I said absolutely! Chris was a blonde with medium sized breasts, and Pat was a dude.

I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers.

But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put
him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at
a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he
was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said
the bull...

I spent Valentine's Day the old fashioned way

Running around in a diaper shooting arrows at people

11% of my life has been spent watching things load

12%

A farmer spent over $12 million to see the effects of marijuana on cows...

The steaks had never been higher.

I spent a quarter on a gum ball machine.

I am really surprised how cheap the machine was!

A mathematician spent his whole life trying to triangulate the location of hell.

He finally did cos sin.

A wealthy lawyer spent four weeks every year in his luxury treehouse in the hills.

Every summer, he invited one of his friends to stay with him for a couple of days. One summer he invited a Czech friend to visit him. They spent a wonderful time there, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as they were picking some berries for their breakfa...

I spent 20 years searching for a genie’s lamb, but to no avail

I fear I shall never cure my dyslexia

What’s the most you‘ve spent on a nice bottle of wine?

About 15 minutes.

How to get rich

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of th...

There was an Irish girl who spent her weekdays sowing her wild oats...

...and went to mass on Sundays praying for a crop failure.

A husband returns and tells his wife he spent her money at the strip club

The wife is angry and asks? "You went to the strip club and spent my money? I told your to spend my money on some fruit from the grocery store!"

And the husband sighs and says, "No, you told me to spend it on a pair of melons. Do I look like a mind reader to you?"

I’ve spent a month lifting and I still haven’t gotten stronger

I guess it’s not working out

I thought my friend spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee..

Yo mama so dumb

that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

I just spent a hours waxing my car

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I recently spent some time child proofing the house.

But the little fuckers keep getting back in.

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