While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

Last month I went on a once in a lifetime vacation...

Never again

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dumb American is on a vacation to the Netherlands

When he came a cross a Dutch man in the bar who asked him if he knew what logic was. No said the American. So the Dutch man asked if he had a fish bowl. Yes said the American. So the Dutch man asked:
So if you have a fish bowl you probably also have a fish?

Yes said the American

So ...

What's an Elephat's favorite vacation spot?

Tuskany

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she'll give up her virginity today if this gets 100 upvotes

Please don't she's on vacation without me

How does a Pirate go on vacation?

In his ARRRRRV.

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

This month I feel attracted to vacations.

I think it's due to the force of July.

I’m taking a vacation to incest island.

I heard that you should take the kids!

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man travels to Spain for vacation and decides to go into a restaurant.

After sitting there for a while trying to decide what to eat, he sees a waiter bring out a bowl of soup to the table next to him.
He tells his waiter "I'll have what he's having"
The waiter politely explains "that is the bull testicle soup and we only serve it once a day after the big bull f...

The Dominican Republic is such a great vacation spot

People are dying to see it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appoint...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me vacation sex was the best...

Worst postcard ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers...

I'm about to go to the Dominican Republic on vacation

I think I'll bring a body bag just in case

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!



As the two people from different regi...

A middle aged couple on vacation

In the coldest months of winter a middle aged couple from the north of USA , had missed the summer so much they decided to go to Florida , and stay in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

The husband had a longer holiday so he decide he would go a day earlier to surprise hi...

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends meet after a couple years, and they start talking about vacations.

The first one says: "3 years ago, I went to the Maldives for Christmas, and guess what, my wife got pregnant!"

"That's awesome!" Says the other guy.

"And two Christmases ago" continues the first guy "I went to Hawaii, and she got pregnant again!"

"Wow, I'm so, so happy for you"...

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

A man goes on vacation and leaves his cat with his brother

He's gone for a few days and decides that he misses his furry friend, so he calls his brother up to check on her. His brother answers the phone.

"Hey! I'm just calling to check on how Fluffy's doing without me"

His brother on the other end gets quiet before saying, "I dont know how t...

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

A man goes on vacation and comes back home with stomach pain...

He goes to see a doctor, and after some testing, the doctor informs the man that he has worms in his stomach. The man begs the doctor for a remedy; so the doctor tells him to go to the market and get the sweetest watermelon he can find. After that, the doctor tells the man to go home, remove his clo...

A penguin goes on vacation.

A penguin has decided that he has had enough of the cold and wants to go on vacation.

He books his flight to a big city and rents out a car to go sight seeing.

After a while of him driving around his car starts making a weird noise.

He grows a bit concerned and takes it into the...

A man on vacation in the Caribbean decides to go horseback riding.

He visits a local farm that rents horses to ride around the countryside. The owner of the horse, a very religious man, explains to the visitor that in order to make the horse go, he’ll have to say “Thank God,” and to make the horse stop, he should say “Amen.”

During his ride around the villa...

Husband and Wife went to Mexico for vacation

When returning to the US, driving through Tijuana, the husband sees a guy selling a beautiful skunk. Astonished with it's beauty, the husband begs the wife to let him take it home.

The wife, although also finding the skunk marvelous, is afraid that the US Customs and Border Protection will no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

An Australian asks a travel agent what's the cheapest possible vacation to London that lets him see everything.

"I have a whole evening in Dubai on the way back? Very well, I've always wanted to see the world's tallest building." He packs his bag, wakes up at 6, rushes to the airport, takes off at 9, crosses Pacific 14 hours nonstop, runs to his connection, flies 10 more hours and never slept a wink cause of ...

"My wife went on vacation."

"Jamaica?"

"No, she went of her own accord."

A man took his wife to a graveyard for their vacation,

The wife says “I wanted to go to an island! Who takes someone to the graveyard for a vacation”

The husband responds, “People die to come here, but here you are complaining”

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

Why are teachers so rude during summer vacation?

Because they have no class

A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation. They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.

“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.



“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

My blonde wife is staunchly opposed to my kids having a vacation.

She’s convinced they cause autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

Johnny is looking after the cat while Mom and Dad are on vacation

After being away a few days, Mom calls Johnny to check in :

Mom: "Hi Johnny, how's the cat?"

Johnny: "I'm really sorry Mom, but she died."

She was very upset and angry at this news and she said to Johnny:

"That's a horrible way of breaking such news! Why couldn't you have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving wi...

What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Raise for you

A worker, tired of working for the same pay for years goes to his boss and asks for a raise.

"A raise? What for? You hardly even work here." said the fast-talking boss.

"What do you mean I don't work. I've been working here for years." said the frustrated worker.

"Look, I'll pro...

Where did Michael Jackson like to vacation at?

Ta-Hee-Hee

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

What did one wig ask the other wig before going to a vacation?

With which hairline are you flying with?

Two germans are on vacation

France had closed the border at Germany, so they couldn't get through. The germans enter through Belgium instead.

Howard decides to go on vacation.

In the middle of his trip, he calls his brother Fred to see how the family cat is doing.

“She broke her neck, she’s dead.”, Fred says.

Howard is shocked “Well, you could have told me in a lot easier way. You could have said that she was stuck on the roof and the fire department was g...

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his family on vacation...

He goes down to the concierge desk and informs them that he has children in his room and he would like to request the following...


"Please ensure that no long distance numbers can be called."

"Of course sir, done."

"Please ensure there are no alcoholic beverages in the min...

I recently booked a vacation to the South of France on credit but I need to win the lottery to pay it back

I can't afford Tolouse

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

If Papa Roach goes on their final vacation

is it to their last resort?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are sitting by the pool on vacation.

One of the men says: "Last night I had sex with my wife three times, and in the morning she said that was the best sex we've had"

One of the other men proclaims: "We'll yesterday I had sex with my wife 5 times and do you know what she had to say this morning?"

The two other men shook t...

How do vegans say, if they wanna go on vacation?

Lettuce go to the peach

I just booked a vacation at the Sandal Resort and Spa

It's the singles version of Sandals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

An scotsman went to norway for vacation

He was going in a taxi , when suddenly a moose crossed in front of them
Scotsman: What was that?
Driver: It was a moose
Scotsman(in heavy accent): Take me back to the airport right now. If the mouse are this big then I don't wanna even see the rats.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

I could have been hired to NASA but I was on vacation...

Later, I was mourning the death of an Opportunity.

My boss tried to fire me for using my paid Christmas vacation to work as a mall Santa

Apparently my contract had a Santa clause

Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.

They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea pas...

Always watch your luggage when going on vacation

It might get stolen.

At least that was the case with me.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However...

Courtesy of my 11yo - where do sheep go on vacation?

The Baaaaa-hamas!

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

We'll call it "The cognitive and behavioral fun time vacation for people with ADHD"

'Cause apparently "concentration camp" isn't politically correct

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi took a vacation to Mexico

While there, he met a Mexican priest on the street. They get to talking about this and that and start to have nice conversation. It's decided that they'll go to a place that the priest likes for dinner together. After they're seated, the Rabbi gets curious about something. "Padre, are there any Mexi...

My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.

I said "Brochure."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American goes on a vacation to Mexico.

After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served the gentleman at the next...

A man is planning his vacation,

As he does so, a friend swings by and offers to help:
-Hey man, may I suggest the Maldives? Had an amazing time there.
-I'm not taking any advice from you! Back in 98, you suggested Rome, I went there and my wife got pregnant, in 2007 you suggested Brazil, I went there and my wife got pregnant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Americans, Frank and Joe, are on vacation in Australia...

It's their last day there and they have a few hours to kill between checking out of the hotel and getting to the airport for their flight. Frank says, "Listen, Joe, I heard about this great new act at a strip club that's on the way to the airport. A really hot Korean girl, Augusta Kwon, she's visiti...

Where does Perry the platypus go on vacation?

dubi-dubi-Dubai

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man on vacation goes to a casino and loses 10,000 dollars.

It starts raining, so the rich man needs to get to the hotel fast. He sees a taxi and says to the driver "How much to get to the sunny beach hotel?"

"10 bucks" the cab driver says.

"I don't have any money on me right now, but I have millions in the bank and if we go to an atm..."
...

An american has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks:

“Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:

“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

A couple is going on vacation to the Maldives.

The woman steps out of the airplain and says: "Wow this is beautiful, im speechless!"
The man replies: "Perfect we are staying 6 month."

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is undecided where he should spend this year's vacation

He asks his grandfather for advice.
Grandfather: 'When I was your age, I went to Paris. I went to a bar and everything was for free. I was totally drunk, climbed on the counter and pissed on the floor. After that I spanked that waitress' ass.'

The young man is excited: 'Wow! That sounds gr...

A German friend told me this one. A couple went to an exotic island for a vacation.

They booked at a local hotel. Inside, there was a native waiter, who seemed very eager but had a strong accent.

Everything was fine until the couple went down for dinner. The girlfriend had dropped her fork. The waiter immediately saw this and asked them, "Do you want a f\*ck?"

The cou...

To prepare for her UK vacation, the blonde went on a high-calorie weight gain diet.

She'd heard she could pay for things there in pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vegas Vacation

Three male work buddies decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break time on their first day back...

If you ever want a fun vacation, you should consider going to Disneyland Syria

I hear their rides are the bomb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was flying to Finland for a vacation.

He packed his bag and went to the airport; as he was going through security, he was asked what he had in his bag.

"Just some clothing, a camera, some hiking gear, and a camp knife."

"Sir," replied the TSA agent, "I need you to step to the back of the line."

The man was going to ...

There’s a college guy that decides to take a vacation in France.

The guy arrives checks into his hotel and goes to grab a bite to eat. He sees a French guy with all these beautiful women all over him and thinks it’s odd because the guy isn’t very attractive. He just shrugs it off and finishes his meal.

Later that day he heads to the beach and sees the same...

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How coul...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I‘m European and have a quick question since I‘m about to leave for vacation in the USA. My phonecharger won‘t fit into a wall outlet there.

Do I need an adapter for my buttplugs too?

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian go on vacation to Saudi Arabia

...and once there, they are caught drinking smuggled alcohol. They are arrested, and each sentenced to 100 lashes by the whip as punishment.

Now the officer assigned to do the whipping says "It is my favorite wife's birthday, and she asked that I show a little compassion as I work today. I wi...

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

I can count the times I was on a vacation in Chernobyl on one hand

This summer, it will be my 15th time going there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife planned a surprise vacation

I was looking through some papers on her desk for something and saw she had booked us a vacation over my birthday. I was REALLY REALLY excited at first, but then I remembered she has really shitty hand writing and her C's look like G's.

Anyways, were going to the Cayman Islands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A class of engineering students were given free plane tickets to go on vacation

Once they were on the plane, the pilot announced that they were on the plane the students had built. The whole class freaked out and rushed off of the plane, except for the professor who calmly stayed in his seat. When the flight attendant asked why he was so calm he replied, "I know the ability of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hillbilly family takes a vacation to New York City

While there, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
...

Where do marsupials go for vacation?

KOALA Lumpur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is on vacation in Spain...

A lady goes on vacation to Spain and decides to go to a bull fighting match. She finds it mildly entertaining but is somewhat distressed at the violence inherent in the act. After the show ends she goes to a restaurant near the arena and asks the waiter what he would recommend. He passionately recom...

Whats a writing utensil's favorite place to go on a vacation?

Pencil-vania!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her.
On...

Just went on vacation in another country and met a local named Lavee. Nice enough gal but when she gets angry she becomes

Livid Lavee the Local

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

My wife told me I ruined our vacation.

How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

To Times Square.

A man goes on vacation for a few weeks...

A man goes on vacation for a few weeks and leaves his cat with his brother.
After a few days, he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing. The brother tells him, “I’m sorry, but the cat died.”
The first man gets angry and says, “How could you just break it to me like that? You knew I’m ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on a vacation to Taiwan...

I asked around for tourist attractions

A peculiar man came up to me, inquiring about some \*discount\* sex shop

When in Taiwan, am I right? Needless to say I was intrigued.

He said to me, "go down to da beach,

aska bout da tongue twister packege

my friend will mak...

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.

The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

A man wants his house painted white while he's on vacation.

Looking through the newspaper he sees an ad for the Wong Brothers Painting Company.

He hires the Wong Brothers to paint his house white as he's preparing to leave for the week.

When his vacation is over he comes home and his house is *pink*.

Angry, he goes to the Wong Brothers...

Jesus and Moses return to earth for a vacation.

They are walking around a lake, and Moses says, "Well J-Naz, it has been a hot minute or two, but let's see if we can still perform miracles." Moses raises his arms, and the waters in the lake part, showing a dry pathway on the bottom of the lake.

Jesus says, "That's pretty gnarly Momo, I bet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my dad where he thinks I should take my outdoor-loving girlfriend on vacation. He said Alaska.

It’s been a month now and bastard still hasn’t told me.

On vacation this summer my wife took an early morning walk on the beach while the kids and I ate breakfast.

When my wife got back she said there was a beached whale and we needed to see it. My son said "well it's not beached anymore, you're standing right there."

Worst son-burn ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland

and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my weenie a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th te...

Joe wenton vacation to Cuba and asked his best friend to care of his mom and his cat.

After a week in Cuba, Joe gets a call from his friend.

Joe: Hey what's up man, how's everything back home?

Friend: Your cat died.

Joe: What?! You can't just call me and tell me my cat died.

- You could have made a first call and say: "Your cat is stuck in a tree and won'...

Winter Vacation

After being snowbound for two weeks, a Buffalo man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip in Minneapolis.


They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was ...

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

I was packing up for vacation

When my wife yelled from down stairs "YOU BETTER NOT BE TAKING EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK". I yelled back "thanks for reminding me i will go get the wrench"

A boy goes on a vacation.

A boy living in USA with his family decides to take a vacation to his relatives living in Iraq. He decides to bring his dog as well. One day before he was traveling, his dog became ill and he had no choice but to leave him at home with the family. When the boy arrives at his aunt's house in Iraq, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vacations

In Amsterdam you get stoned and have sex.

In Dubai you have sex and get stoned.

A family of 6 turtles goes on a vacation...

They start walking towards the beach, on the 2nd day it starts raining. The turtle family realise that they forgot the umbrellas back home.

It was decided that the dad turtle would run back home and come back with the umbrellas.

‘No way’ the dad turtle said, ‘you guys would finish up...

My family was having trouble deciding on a vacation destination

So I said Phuket, let’s just go.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.