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Screen Jokes

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Errors are red, the screen is in blue

I think you just deleted system32

My 2 year old son dropped my phone and cracked the screen.

So I sold it and bought a new one.



Not sure what to do about the phone though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

What do you call a French cat meowing at you through a computer screen?

Vidéo *chat*

What does an air freshener vending machine, say on the screen when it's empty?

"Out of odor"

If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen.

He could have been protected from harmful rays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so fat, they did a story on how fat she was on the channel 3 news

I switched to channel 7 and you could still see her ass in the corner of the screen

Saudi Arabia never screen The Flintstones.

But Abu Dhabi do.

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

if school was a game, there would be loading screen tips reminding you to

stay behind cover and only move when the enemy is reloading

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The print screen button doesn't work!

It may be out of paper.

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.



Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"

Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"

Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."

\*After seeing the screenshot\*

Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"

Blonde 1:...

Hear about the screen printer who misspelled the order of concert posters?

Must have had an extra stencil crisis.

how many apple employees does it take to replace your broken screen?

none. "you need to buy our new model which will cost you ONLY $999"

Why does the arrow on the computer screen use profanity a lot?

Because it was a cursor.

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

Why are computer screen co-ordinate systems always in a good mood?

Because they are down-right positive!

My daughter just cracked my new Iphone Xs screen, so I’m passing it back to a lucky commenter. Info below.

Girl, 7-year-old, can do basic math and alphabet, good at housework, overall a good child.

Just look very closely into the darkness of your screen

Do you see the joke? (Dark mode users only)

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children.

They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Still finishing his screening paperwork, a man is called back for his doctor appointment...

The doctor walks into the room, and notices that the patient is struggling to grasp the pen as he fills out his paperwork.


Doctor: I see here that your appointment is due to hearing loss, though I can't help but notice you've got a little carpal tunnel. Have you had that looked at?
...

I've come up with a new screen resultion!!

The idea was thrown out, but I don't understand why, it was 0k

What did the Greek philosopher name his religious themed screen printing shop in France.

Sacre' T's

I absolutely hate screening films for the Grasshopper Film Festival

Everybody's a cricket.

I never really understood what the "blue screen of death" meant

But when my self driving car had one the name started making a lot more sense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

What happened when the fly tried to go through the screen door?

He strained himself.

What's the best screen grabber for Windows 10?

An Android phone.

My girlfriend said she was staring at her computer screen not knowing what to write.

I told her she must be literary exhausted.

[This actually happened. I laughed for 20 minutes :(. ]

Every time my phone screen goes black...

I wonder if it'll ever come back.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

A drone with a screen showing random changing numbers was flying toward me.

It struck me as odd.

I'm starting to doubt my marriage

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:

\- 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, ma...

Did you hear about the screening of that documentary movie on Menstrual cycle?

The audience gave it a standing ovulation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just came home from a film festival where we spent 90 minutes watching a cockroach crawl around the screen...

I couldn't figure out if it was a bug or a feature.

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

What do you call someone who's bad at screening for breast cancer?

A bad mammograma.

My friend got mad at me for screen peeking when we were playing against each other today

...it was online chess

I Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked

So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

As a middle aged man I love going up to pretty young women who are staring at their cellphone screens and asking

Are you my tinder date?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is in a coma

and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman’s vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says ’come down to the hospital, i think i know how to get your wife out of this coma.’ so the husband hurri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Small penises are like iPhones with cracked screens...

They serve their purpose but nobody really wants one.

Some drug screens involve taking a strand of hair and analyzing it for illicit substances. It's called a follicle test.

Of course there are guys who try to beat that by shaving their head, but that doesn't work because the lab will just take a pubic hair instead. That's called the phallical test.

What do you call a room full of men watching the Super Bowl on a big screen TV?

The Patriots

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

Why do they like to watch Star Wars on the big screen on aircraft carriers?

They're all about force projection.

What do the game over screen in the Legend of Zelda and disgruntled redditors have in common?

Link is dead

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

**"Error. Not long enough."**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Simple Pregnancy Test App

You just have to urinate on the sceeen. If the screen gets covered in piss you are not allowed to have kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.

When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs...

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

My friend asked me why I haven't texted him in such a long while, I replied, "My phone screen broke and now it's completely unusable...

so I lost touch."

One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta...

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